It was quiet in the house, mainly beacuse it was still the crack of dawn and no one had stirred from their slumber yet. Not even Howie, who used to be up early, either from coming back from some party or waking up for his morning run. The dark haired man was very concerned over the way his body looked and fitness was always high on his schedule. He was also the only one in the Backstreet gang that was a morning person and this was something he had been teased about many times before.
Nick however was not. He hated waking up early and together with Kevin he was the one that slept the longest and was also hardest to wake up. Today was another matter. The red digits on clock read 5:45 and Nick was the only one that was awake in the house. He had a very restless night, both from the pain in his abdomen as well as the thoughts that haunted him in the night. Now he was clearly awake and he was ready to get dressed to go out on the boat with Aaron.
Yawning loudly, he picked up a pair of jeans and a tee from his closet. Slipping into his faded jeans he noticed that the pants were several sizes too big. They were slipping from his hips, dropping down onto the floor. He held up his pants in the waist a bit puzzled since he didnīt think that he had lost that much weight. Ever since he started the treatment programs he had stopped wearing clothes that were tight against his waist. The steroids he had been prescribed in the beginning had made his stomach swell even more than before which resulted in not wanting to wear anything that could press against his stomach. Jeans and pants were pretty much out of the question. Instead he was practically living in trainers and sweatpants.
This morning he felt a bit chilly so he needed to get something warm on. After finding a belt that he could use he put on his red tee shirt with the black dragon and then he grabbed a pair of shorts since it would get hot outside as the day passed. Trunks were out of the question since he wasnīt allowed to swim in the ocean after the biopsy due to the infection risk.
Nick sighed.
Piece by piece everything that he liked was being taken away from him. The Ocean, the water was his paradise and now he was too sick to even enjoy it. Not being able to go out with the boat and swim and dive into the sea. It sucked but Nick had no other choice than to accept it.
He shivered violently. It felt cold in the room and this had him searching for a thick sweater to put on. After finding one he ran his hand through his hair like he had done so many times before during the years. This time there wasnīt the resistance of the hair, instead his head was almost bald from the treatments he had been going through. It still hurt alot to look in the mirror and he wasnīt sure that he would ever be able to look at himself without feeling disgusted. His hair, the golden hair, had been his crown was almost gone. Even if Nick didn't spend that much time in front of the mirror he still had liked the way his hair looked, especially when it was high lighted. Now there was very little trace of the strands that had coated his head so thick and rich. With a deep sigh he tied a bandana on his head, a black one, and then put on his sneakers.
It was better to be fully dressed before going outside since any noise could stir the guys into getting up. Especially Brian who was a very light sleeper. It was quiet in the corridor and he sneaked away to the bedroom that he knew that Aaron had occupied. The kid was snoring soundly which had Nick grinning. He would have to tease his little brother since Aaron had loudly told everyone that he didn't snore. Now however he had the evidence and for a moment he wished that he had a tape recorder so he could tape the moment, save it for the afterworld to come. A stirring from Aaron's bed had Nick getting into action. Hunching down beside the bed he shook the teen on his shoulder, "Aaron..Aaron."
There were no movement whatsoever. Aaron was sawing lumber. A second time a bit louder Nick called out, "Aaron!!" Still nothing. Looking at his watch he decided that he had to take action so he shook the kid even harder, "Aaron wake up." This resulted in some stirring and then the teen rolled over to the other side of the bed, letting out a grunt and then a loud fart.
Nick burst out laughing. This was his little brother. Now he really wished he had the tape recorder set, to show Aaron's girlfriend Jasmine. When the smoke cleared in the room he shook his brother. "Get up..NOW!"
This time it resulted in some action. The kid was drunk with sleep and with closed eyes he pulled the blanket closer to his body muttering hoarsly, "What time izzit?"
"Almost six.. and you better get up now."
"Six?" Aaron sounded disoriented, "in the afternoon?"
"NOOO dumbass," Nick laughed. "In the morning of course."
"Oh.." Aaron was silent for a moment before rolling over to face Nick, "What are you doing up this time?" A cloud of worry etched on his face as he sat up quickly, "Did something happen?"
"Other than you farting and snoring..no." Nick grinned widely to his brother, then he pointed with his thumb towards a chair. "You have to get dressed so we can get going and you better hurry before anyone wakes up." He added in a hushed tone, "Hurry up..but be quiet so no one hears us."
"I do NOT fart or snore," Aaron snapped. Nick smiled. "So where are we going then? To your doctor?"
"Nooo.." Nick narrowed his eyes. God couldnīt the kid stop talking and referring to his sickness all the time? A bit annoyed he said, "Weīre going out with the boat."
"The boat? Coolness" Aaron's face lit up as he was still trying to clear the fog from his brain. "Wow weīre really going then?"
"Yep."
"Awesome," Aaron grinned, then his face suddenly froze" Do the guys know that weīre going?"
"The guys?" Nick felt annoyed. "God AC I am an adult and I do whatever I feel like when I feel like it. We don't have to ask the guys permisson to do anything."
"Why do we have to be so quiet then?" Aaron asked with a grin. He knew that he was winning points when Nick annoyed slapped him on his head.
"Donīt be such a smartass!"
"Ouch man..that hurt." Aaron rubbed his sore head.
"Serves you right." Nick said throwing the clothes on the bed. "Are you coming along or not?"
"Ok..sure.." The teen said. "Give me five and Iīll be downstairs for breakfast."
"Ok." Nick walked towards the door, stopping for a moment, "and AC there is no breakfast, weīre getting some sandwiches at the harbor."
"No breakfast?" Aaron's stomach gave a loud growl. "Man I'm hungry."
"Canīt be helped, we better jet now, so come down as soon as youīre ready." With those words Nick walked out through the door. Less than five minutes later Aaron joined him downstairs.
Nick, who was doing his best to act like nothing was bothering him was feeling totally exhausted and the sad part was that was before they were even out with the boat. Pushing the unsure feelings away he decided that he would not show Aaron how bad he really felt. Instead he did his best to keep his posture so when Aaron came down the stairs, with a happy smile on his face he smiled back.
The Show Most Go On!
It was already warm outside and it was looking like it was going to be another of those hot days. Nick jumped swiftly onto his boat, Aaron however hesistated for a moment.
"Come on..what are you waiting for? Better days?" Nick urged as he started to untie the boat.
"Nick, what do you think the guys will say when they find out where we are?" Aaron asked a bit nervous.
"What they will say?" Nick repeated. "Buddy I donīt care what they say. Like I said before I think Iīm mature enough to say what I want and what I don't want to..donīt you think so?"
"Yes but.." Aaron fidgeted again, "What if something happens?"
"Nothing will happend AC," Nick said with a smile. "Now are you getting into the boat or are you swimming aboard?"
Aaron jerked. "Ok..ok Iīm coming." With that he jumped into the boat too.
"Great." Nick laughed and Aaron couldnīt help to think that he rarely saw Nick as happy as he was when he was on a boat. He had become a real sea lion. His brother moved down to the steering wheel and then started the boat. It wasnīt a big boat since the luxery version was still down in Marathon, just waiting to be used.
The wind wasnīt as still as it had been the day before, but it was not so windy either. Aaron sat down on the side of the boat, next to the steering section. He watched as Nick with smooth moves guided the boat out from the harbor. There was no sign of the nervous, yet reckless young man that had two years earlier steered the boat onto the reefs down in the Keys. It had caused a commotion and their dad had come to the rescue. To Nick's shock his little incident hit the tabloids and it was soon all over the world. Nick was a much secure captain these days.
As the hours passed they were enjoying themselves cruising in the Tampa bay. Soon they found a calm area to put the anchor down and they sat down and hooked up for fishing. In silence both of the brothers sat side by side, fishing, waiting for the fishes to take the bait.
"Nick?" Aaron asked when they had been quiet long enough.
"Yeah AC," Nick said with a sigh. He could tell by the way his broher sounded that there would be a question, possibly about the guys or his sickness.
He was right!
"Donīt you think that the guys will wonder where we are?" Aaron didnīt want to sound like a spoilsport but he thought that his brother was looking very tired. Even if Nick had done his best to hide it he had also spotted that he was suffering with chills and he had also seen the hunched over position that could only mean that there was pain in his brother's stomach.
"God AC canīt you stop for a moment?" Nick sneered. He didnīt mean to sound so irritated but he was tired of everyone acting like he was a baby. He was a grown man, sick nevertheless, but a grown man that had the right to do and act as he wanted to, as long as he didnīt do anything stupid. "Iīm sorry," he said when he saw how sad his little brother became. "Just chill."
Aaron wasnīt satisfied with that answer. "But Nick you know that you..eh..you are.." he didnt have a chance to end the sentence before Nick interrupted him.
"That I am sick, you mean." He sighed deeply. "Yeah I know, man I know." There was something defeated in his brother's tone of voice and that made Aaron feel unsure of his own actions. Nick was right, after all. He was a grown up! It was just that the way his brother had started to look he thought that Nick was doing his best to hide how awful he was feeling. And now he feared that his stubborn brother would keel over any minute.
"I am just so sick and tired of everybody reminding me about the cancer." There were tears in Nick's eyes. "I just wish that everyone could stop bugging me..leaving me to tend to my own business and not telling me that I am sick all the time." A single tear rolled down a cheek, but Nick was fast wiping it away.
Aaron felt bad. He didn't want his brother to be sad. "Donīt cry Nicky," he said, hugging his brother around the waist.
At first Nick didnīt repay the hug, but then changed his mind, hugging his little brother back. After a while Nick let go of his brother. "Dude we better pay attention to the fish or we wonīt get any dinner." He smiled, even if the smile didnīt reach his eyes. "You know bro you donīt have to worry. I left a note to the guys and I know they'll understand."
"Ok." Aaron nodded, watching as Nick turned back to the fishing again. It was end of the discussion.
Nick braced himself for the scolding that he knew would come. Even if he was 22 years old he often felt like a small kid in front of the rest of the guys, even in front of Bone who was only two years older. The guys had always had this effect on him. During sleepless nights Nick had thought about this, wondering why he felt this way and he had come to the conclusion that it had to do with that they would always see him like a little brother. No matter what he did he was always considered the Backstreet Baby.
This was no different.
The moment Nick and Aaron stepped into the house he felt that the guys wouldn't be happy with him. There was a thick uncomfortable tension in the air. Pretty much the same as it had been that time when Nick had escaped with a girl while touring and had been out partying all night. The guys, especially Kevin, had been so upset that there was no ending it. At that time Nick had thought that it was unfair since AJ had thrown a similar stunt some months before and no one had even raised an eyebrow. Maybe this was the reason why Bone could get away with drug abuse for so long, while he was scolded if he came back from a party drunk at the age of 21!
Stepping into the kitchen he was met with Howie and Kevin staring back at him. For a brief moment he was happy to see that neither AJ or Brian around and he stuttered uncomfortable, "He..hey guys."
Kevin was the first one to talk, "Where the hell have you been?"
"Didnīt you get my message?" Nick tried desperately to let his voice sound less shaky but it didnīt work very well. From the corner of his eye he could see Aaron backing away and then disappearing into the bathroom. He sighed. Now he was alone again. Not that he minded it, it was just that no matter what he said to the two elder man they wouldnt really listen to him.
"Yes, but how the hell can you just run away without telling us?" Kevin was all worked up, his face all red from anger.
Nick was starting to feel his temper rising, "What the fuck do you mean?" he snarled. "The last time I checked I was old enough to make my own descisions." Nick spat out the words. "I am so sick and tired of all of you deciding what I can and canīt do. Iīm not your damn baby that you can fuck around with whenever you please." The tone came out a bit stronger than intended too, but he meant every word that he said.
"Calm down Nicky," Howie countered. "Kev isn't pissed at you, itīs just that he and me got so scared when we read your message and we were afraid that something bad might have happened."
"Nothing bad would have happened," Nick said annoyed. "Didnīt you read the note? All it said that we were out with the boat and we would be out until around dinner time." Nick drew his breath back. "So here are we now..whatīs the problem?"
"Nick youīre on medication, strong meds and that is something not be taken lightly." Kevin explained with that soft voice that sometimes can be too degrading.
"Like I didnīt know that," he sneered.
Kevin ignored Nick's comment. "Your Doctor called today and can tell you that she wasnīt happy. Apparently you missed out on an important appointment when they were going to discuss further treatment for you."
Nick agitated snarled, "And how the hell do you know that? Youīre not my patient advocate."
"No Iīm not," Kevin sighed tiredly like all the air had suddenly gone out off him. Popped like a balloon. "But Brian is and he told me."
"So he did, did he?" Nick was making a mocking tone of his voice. He had no idea why but the exhaustion combined with the annoyance he felt was making him act nasty. He knew that the guys were just acting like this because they were concerned over him. It was just that it was all starting to get too much and he didnīt know how to handle it all anymore. "Well he had no right to say something to you about my treatments. Where the heck is he anyway?" Nick looked around the room, no Brian at all.
"He had to leave for Atlanta." Howie was the one that cut ïn for an explanation.
"He did?" The words were so unexpected that Nick didnīt know what more to say.
"Yes, Leighanne called." Kevin said quietly. It was something in his older friend's voice that had Nick picking up his attention. Something was not right, he could just feel it.
Kevin continued, "Her doctor wanted Brian to come home since she was experiencing high blood pressure and had been feeling down lately. They also found some sugar in the urine and were a bit concerned over her and the baby's well being."
"OH!" Now Nick felt like a jerk. Here he was being so preoccupied with himself that he never stopped to think that Brian was becoming a father soon and that Leighanne might need him at home. He wanted to slap himself mentally for being sucha a dumbass. All the anger he had felt previously had rinsed off him like water on a goose.
"And AJ went with him as support," Howie filled in. "He was also going to see Sarah, but then he will join us soon again. We have decided that the album is on hiatus for the time being..until things slow down with Leighanne too."
"Oh.." was all Nick could say again. Words felt too much and he felt the tears build up behind his eyes. His life was breaking down on him again. They were all leaving him, almost and now the album was on hiatus again. Aaron was going back to his family and he was going to start up chemo again. His life sucked so much that if someone had offered him a trade he would gladly have accepted. As long as that person didnīt have cancer too.
"Nick..Nick.." Kevin was calling out his name and he jerked slightly.
"What?"
"You were spacing out again. Are you ok?" He could feel a hand on his arm.
Not wanting to reveal how sad and miserable he felt he said with a fake smile plastered on his lips, "Yeah..Iīm a bit tired that's all." Nick faked a yawn. "Listen I think Iīm going to bed for a while," he said feeling like he couldnīt stand straight for another minute. The fatigue had washed all over him quickly and he wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep his miserable life away.
"Yes you look very tired," Kevin agreed. " You sure that youīre all right?"
"Yep." Nick moved to go up the stairs, "You donīt have to wake me up during dinner since weīve already ate on the boat."
"Ok," the both men agreed and after a short good bye Nick went up the stairs. Intending to get some well needed rest and privacy. Once he was out of reach for anyone he almost sank down on the floor. The exhaustion that he felt had him all taxed out and he wasnīt sure how he managed to get into bed but once he was situated he closed his eyes, starting to drift off, to another restless sleep.
