Closing the door behind him, Kevin let out a long breath of relief. It was like heīd been holding all the air pent up inside of him and as soon as he was alone he was being able to relax again. The whole day had been one hell of a ride. A true nightmare. Not for all the money in the world he wanted to re-live it again. It had hurt too much.
The yard outside the gates were surrounded by nosy reporters and they had all asked him the same question: Will Nick survive? Calmly he had over and over again reassured them that the young man would be fine, although he more and more doubted his words each time he uttered the phrase. Who was he to say something like that? If it was up to him Nick would be nursed back to health in no time...there was no doubt about it.
He had done endless interviews and he was actually grateful that the press conference they had scheduled last week had been called off. This whole circus would be too taxing for his friend and it was better that he was in the house resting for the upcoming surgery. He knew that Nick would have wanted to be out there, meeting the crowd, reassuring them with his smile that he was all right and that he was going to survive, but this was not the case. Instead he was too weak to even move and Kevin had seen the tears in his eyes when he had told Aaron about the surgery.
The one thing that they didnīt want happening was coming closer each day and they had to start facing the facts. Nick was really sick and he wouldnīt get better as long as he didnīt get the proper treatment. And the treatment meant nothing but more pain and suffering.
Kevin shivered despite the warmth in the room.
The day had been just as crazy as it had when AJ announced that he was going into rehab. Maybe even more. Everybody, the press and fans had wanted the latest scoop of the story and he knew that the news about Nick’s disease was stirring up alot of people. Fans all over the world, were upset, devestated over the news and Aaron had reported that the message boards were swamped with people talking about the terrible news.
Even though Kevin had known about the disease for some time now he could barely utter the name. The word cancer sounded too final, like a old man waiting for his deathbed. But this time the victim wasnīt old. It was a 23 year old in the prime of his life. Everytime Kevin saw Nick he was reminded about the reality and he got more and more scared when he saw how fast his friend was crumbling into nothing. It also scared him how fast a life could change and what the result would be in the end.
The press had found out about it before they had a chance to have the press conference and there were mixed feelings regarding this. A strange sort of relief had washed over him. Now they didnīt have to to hide the dark secret any longer and could be truthful to the fans. Once management had got wind of what was going on with the press they wanted to gather the men up to have a meeting, just like when they had announced about AJīs drug abuse.
But Kevin had steered it off, saying that Nick was in no shape to deal with something like that, besides both AJ and Brian were out of town. To his surprise management didn’t press and the way seem to be accepting the facts had him scared.
The reason behind this sudden take was something that Kevin was wondering about. Did it have to do with them caring for Nick or was it that they saw that the group and the incident was getting enough publicity as it was? Maybe they thought that a news like this would cause the group to get even more symphathy and in that turn it would show on the record sales? Kevin knew he was being sarcastic, but spending ten years in the business had him being suspicious to every move that the management did. Early he had found out that no one ever did anything without wanting something in return. It had been a hard lesson, but nessesary and Kevin like the rest of the men had developed a hard time trusting people.
When it came to management he knew one thing. Being let off an obligation wasnīt something that they took lightly. Resting was something that you were just allow to do only when you were buried, six feet under the ground!
His thoughts drifted back to the riot that was still outside, where reporters from all kinds of channels and newspapers were camped out, waiting for the latest in the ‘Nick incident’. Like there would be any? Kevin, once again, being the spokesman for the group had told them that he would inform them how the surgery went. He had also asked them to be gentle with the news since he knew that many of Nick’s fans were young and would be devistated if something like this came out the wrong way. To his surprised the press had obliged. The news hungry eyes that Kevin often had seen in the reporter’s faces was not as devlish as they used to be. It was like when the wolves got a hint of what was wrong they were not after their game any longer. Instead, they had actually shown some kind of sympathy and many had been shocked. Cancer, or more precisely Hodgkins Disease, was not something that they had expected.
Alcholol, drug abuse, even an eating disorder; Yes.
Cancer; No.
Letting his thoughts drift back to his little brother he shivered again. Signs of sickness were there, getting more clearly each day. The sunken face combined with the bloated stomach told him that something was seriously wrong. The attacks of fatigue that seemed to sweep over Nick ever so often were also signs that reminded him of the past. The past with his own father.
'Stop it,' he yelled to himself mentally. 'It wonīt do you any good thinking these negative thoughts!' He was a realist, a person that was down to Earth and never was fooled by anything. The business had shaped him out to be this and in turn he had become more and more negative. It was better to think the worst before hoping for something good. Howie, the band’s most positive person, had caught him thinking like this and he had pushed on a program of mental Yoga in his hands. At first Kevin had dismissed this as genuine and sheer crap but then he had tried it. And to his surprise found out that it worked.
The yoga was also an excuse for him not to think back in time. To forget the painful memories when his dad had so brutally left him stranded. But now with Nick sick, reality had started to catch up with him and he had to face his demons. Whether he liked it or not!
"How did it go with the reporters?"
Howie’s soft voice startled him and he looked up to see the Latino coming down the stairs. He was holding a tray in his hands and Kevin frowned over the untouched dinner. Not answering the question he asked, "He didnīt eat?"
Howie shook his head, "No." There was sadness in his otherwise so happy eyes and Kevin didnīt want to push on to ask more about Nick’s condition. Mainly because he didnīt know if he could bare the truth.
"What did they say?"
Jerked back to reality again Kevin frowned, "Who?"
"The reporters. The press."
The older man shrugged. What could he say? Talking about the disease hadnīt been easy but he had as always put up a professional front, even though he had to swallow hard to keep from bursting out crying.
"Did they want to talk to the rest of us too?"
"Oh I donīt know." Suddenly Kevin felt like he had aged hundreds of years and it was like all the energy had drained out of him. Not wanting to talk about the day anymore he brushed past the younger man, hoping that he would catch his drift and stop with the questioning. It was taxing him out too much, leaving him burned out. Emotionally.
He could feel Howie’s eyes in his back as he walked into the kitchen. Opening the refridgerator he scanned over the shelves, searching for something edible. It was more an act out of escape than out of hunger. Pretending to be busy, he was hoping that Howie would get off his case and leave him alone. It was not a mature thing to do but he needed his own privacy, needed to sort out his thoughts.
The walls were closing in on him and the more he tried to push back the situation the more it was threatening to strangle him. Suffocate him like a snare wrapped around his neck. Dealing with his father’s sickness and Nick’s was making the snare becoming tighter and he had to stop before he couldnīt breathe any longer.
He could feel a gentle hand on his shoulder, squeezing it hard. "Are you ok?" There was genuine concern in his friend’s voice and he felt bad for brushing him off.
"Mmmm.." He stared into the refridgerator even closer and almost like in slow motion pulled out a plate with left overs from yesterday. Chinese! It was Nick’s portion and like always practically untouched since the young man was not eating much these days.
This was so different from the past when Kevin had threatned to put a lock on the refridgerator if Nick didnīt stop snacking. The blonde had ignored him, continuing eating and Kevin had gotten pretty upset. But if he had known that a year later Nick would be all skin and bones he would have let him eat. Eat for all it was worth.
Guilt washed over him when he thought about how mean he had been to Nick over the past years. It wasnīt out of being evil, but the blonde had a way of ticking him off and he had called Nick bad names several times, not caring how the kid had felt. His thoughts were once again interrupted by Howie’s calm voice. "I asked you what the reporters asked you about but you were spacing out, man."
"Wha..ok." Kevin looked up again from his hideout place. He stuck a piece of fried shrimp into his mouth. "Well they said nothing important..you know asking about this and that." He straightened up and balancing the dish and a Heinecken on his right hand he shut the door with his left and then walked over to sit down by the kitchen table. Howie followed his moves in silence.
"No I donīt," he said slowly, "you gotta fill me in."
Kevin cussed silently. 'Dammit didnīt D' ever take a hint?' He was becoming more and more like Nick each day. Like a dog in a leash. Ironically Howie had got on his nerves by acting like Nick.
"Not now, later." Kevin dismissed his friend by putting the fork into his mouth and the absently scanning through the morning paper. Howie said nothing, but he did nothing to get up to leave the room. When the silence had been too uncomfortable he asked, "Is Nick still resting?"
Howie nodded.
"And Aaron?"
"Up in Nick’s room, playing video games."
"Ok." Looking up he saw Howie sitting opposite him, licking his lips like was about to say something difficult. He waited, knowing what would come next...and true to his words it came...
"Listen Kev, if there is something that is bugging you, Iīm here for you."
"Mmmphfff," Kevin responded gruffly with his mouth full of chicken. He chewed slowly, swallowing down the last piece before continuing. "Donīt you worry, there is nothing wrong with me." He was lying himself blue, but there was no way he would spill his guts. The wound was too fresh.
" ou sure?" Howie was doubting his words which didnīt come like a surprise to him. Sweet D' had ruled out to be the band’s psychologist and they all came to him with their troubles and worries. Usually Howie just listened and asked questions and before they knew it their own problems had been solved. Nick had claimed that when Howie got old he should start his own practice as a counsellor since he was so good at taking in other people’s perspectives.
There had been times when Kevin had asked Howie for advice, but today was not such a time. Today all he wanted was to be left alone.
"Yes D' itīs nothing, I said so didnīt I?" There was a hint of irritation in the dark man’s voice. Noticing how harsh he sounded he added softly, "Sorry D'"
Howie said nothing, but his eyes revealed the concern that he felt for his friend. Not wanting to add more to the situation Kevin turned back his attention to the plate in front of him. It wasnīt the tastiest food that he had ever eaten. Nick had a strange taste when it came to food and mixing fried shrimps, sweet and sour chicken as well as onion rings wasnīt his cup of tea. He wasnīt surprised when the young man had wanted nothing of it and he didnīt think it all had to do with the sickness either. To tell the truth neither did he. But eating was a way to keep himself pre-occupied from Howie’s questioning. A way to hide from the emotions that were hounding him.
This reminded him of the action that Nick used to take on, especially while touring. Now he understood that eating had been a way for the blonde to hide his true feelings and he felt a pang of guilt as the reality dawned on him. There had been more than at one occassion when he had been on Nick’s case. Telling him to stop eating or he would end up looking like their former manager Lou Pearlman. Nick hated Lou and naturally this had upset the young man even more. Another pang of guilt surged through him. Saying those things had just been the tip of the ice berg.
With deep regret he recalled the nicknames that he had given his friend, especially when they were on the 100 hour tour!
Pork chops!
At that time it had seemed so innocent and they had all laughed hard at the anger that Nick was showing upon being called that name. It hadnīt been meant to be mean, more like a joke that got out of hand. They had been bored on the plane and then Kevin had started and soon he got the reporters in on the joke too. This had sent Nick in for a tantrum and he became so mad that he left the room and refused to come back out until they touched ground in Sydney.
Now, more than two years later all Kevin could think of was what a jerk he had been. He had acted so immature and when he had heard from Brian, months later, how hurt Nick had been over the nickname he had assigned him he felt bad. Really bad.
It didnīt help that he had been teasing his friend when he was very vulnerable. He had just broke up his longtime relationship with Manda and the last thing he needed was someone to spite him. Flying was not very high on his list either and on top of everything Nick was batteling a gruesome case of the flu. He was not in his best health, but when was he ever while touring?
Even if it had been so long ago Kevin had never had the opportunity to appologize for his bad behavoir. Mentally he decided that he would try and talk to his friend as soon as possible. To appologize for all the times he had acted like a jerk, hurting Nick both consciously as well as unconsciously.
He had to do it. Before it was too late...
"Kev?..Kevin?? Buddy???" Howie called out for his attention, shaking his arm so he dropped the fork that he was holding in his hand. His thoughts had drifted away, spacing out as AJ used to call it, mainly referring to Nick.
"Huh?" Kevin "woke up" when the fork hit the floor. "What did you do that for?" he asked accusingly as he bent down to pick up the fork.
Not answering the question Howie looked intensely at him, like he was counting the seconds before Kevin would break. Start spilling his guts! "Are you alright?"
"What?.." Kevin ran a tired hand over his face, "Yeah.... yes Iīm fine." He waved off Howie’s concern, "and I will be even better when I get to eat."
Howie was not about to change the topic. "No Kev, I mean are you really fine?"
He shurgged a bit irritated, "Mmmm."
"You really mean it?"
"Yes D'!" This was starting to get annoying. Howie playing a shrink. His friend was right about the assumptions but there was no way that he would reveal the pain that he felt in his heart.
The day had been filled with stirred up emotions and he needed to sort them out. Sort out his own life. Make peace with his father, but mainly with himself. He had to work on the feelings that he had buried so deep in his soul and that were starting to surface when he least expected it. The last thing he wanted was to re-live the pain that he was going through after his father’s death. But he knew that he had to dig through the past to be able to see into the future. But he was too afraid. Too afraid to be hurt again.
Faith was playing a game on him. He had to experience it all again, through Nick, and this time he could do nothing to escape. He had tried to ignore the issue of Nick’s sickness as long as he could, but now he couldnīt act any longer. His friend was going into surgery and there was no way he could just pretend that Nick was sick with one of the endless flu bugs that seemed to grace him all the time.
Being smart he had managed to fool them all, make them think that he could deal with Nick’s sickness when he in reality was scared out of his witts. Howie’s searching eyes told Kevin that the Latino was onto his secret. Irritated that Howie was onto him he sneered, "Oh stop it!"
But the younger man wasnīt scared off that easy. "You know you gotta talk to someone about all those feelings that you have pent up inside of you. It ainīt healthy to carry such a burden.
Kevin glared. This was hitting closer to home that he cared to admit. It was making him feel uncomfortable and standing up he pushed the plate away. He had to get out of the room before he would break down. Fall to pieces. Crying!
"Youīre not going to eat that?" Howie nodded towards the plate that Kevin had pushed away. "Not hungry?"
He shook his head. "Not anymore." With that he walked briskly out of the room. Howie was right. There were so many bottled up emotions that he didnīt know where to start. He had to let it all out, yet he couldnīt. Not for Nick.
He and Nick had a strange relationship. They were often in fights and people used to say that it was beacuse of the large age difference but Kevin knew better. The truth was that they were so much alike, yet totally opposite each other. He had always admired Nick for being so carefree and the young man was so close to him. He had practically grown up on the road as Nick’s big brother, almost like his dad and such things made their footprints. Spending 24/7 with a hyper teen had not been easy but he loved Nick for the natural person that he was.
Memories of him comforting a homesick Nick flashed infront of his eyes. Traveling and touring, sometimes with no parents nor family, had often sent Nick through a ride of emotions. He was desperately homesick and at more than one occasion he had found the teen sobbing in his bed, wanting to be an ordinary teen. There was one special time when they had been on the road and Kevin had heard someone crying in the bunkbeds. Instead off dismissing it all for being a moody teen, he had sat down next to him and asked what was wrong. Soon Nick had spilled his guts, telling him how much he longed for his family and in the end he told the kid that everything would be just fine. Nick had looked up at him, big eyed asking "you sure?" A a response he gave the kid a warm hug, telling him that sometimes he felt that way too. Homesick and alone. Nick had looked up with a pale smile and it was the first time that they had connected. Nick being thirteen at that time.
Kevin had more and more grown to like the boy. He was often a pain in the butt, but he had something special too. Something that stirred up his inner feelings. During the years Kevin had grown to love the boy and even if Nick was as close to Brian as could be Kevin still loved him like a brother. He was often looking out for the kid, sometimes too much for Nick’s own liking and to the teen he had become a control freak. But the truth was that Kevin so afraid that something would happen his little brother. Something that would hurt him forever.
Even if they had some gruesome fights Kevin was there for him through thick and thin. Whenever Nick fucked up, and that was often, especially during the Black and Blue tour, he was there for him. Giving advice that often became neglected. But he was there and that was the main thing. He was there the first time that Nick got drunk. When his heart was broken by Manda, the first occassion ( yes there were many) and he was there when Nick was in fights with all of his "brothers". He was also there when Nick got arrested, if not in person but with his soothing voice. He was the one that Nick had called first and he had listened to Nick’s pain being spilled all over the phone. There were so many hidden feelings and Nick had cried for so long. Kevin shuddered at the memory. He had never known that Nick had been so sad inside. Sad and alone.
At that moment he had promised himself to always be there for Nick, but had failed a few weeks after when Nick had turned to Brian first to tell him about the disease. That hurt him. A bit.
Wiping a tear that was starting to roll down his cheek he said mentally cussed himself for being so emotional. Instead he had to stay strong, stay tough. He had to let Nick see that he hadnīt given up on him, even if he was more and more doubting that his friend would make it. Ok the tumor was operable but still the fact remained that Nick was sick. Very sick with Hodgkins Disease and Kevin more and more doubted how long he would last. It was like the cancer had invaded his friend’s body, using it as itīs shelter and refusing to leave despite what ever treatments they were doing.
If they didnīt find the right "cocktail," the sufficent treatment, he knew that his friend would be lost. Just like his father had and this was something that Kevin would not allow to happen. Not now..Not ever.
