Brian shifted in bed for the umpteenth time that night. He had tried almost every trick there was in the book to get to sleep but none of them had worked. He had tried drinking warm milk, shifting pillows, yes even counting sheep but he still remained wide awake
It was the previous day’s events that came crashing against him like stormy waves hitting the rocks. Nick had tested positive for liver cancer and he would go in for surgery the next day. Then he would be in for some serious treatments. The news was too surreal to believe and even if it was out in the world news he still refused to believe it.....until he had called Howie.
His friend had confirmed it all and the moment it sank in that it was real and he wasnīt imagining things, it felt like someone had stabbed him with a knife. Driving it into his heart. It didnīt help matters that Howie had told him that Nick was locked up in his room, refusing to eat or talk to anyone. The only one that had passage was his little brother Aaron. Information like this scared him. Nick often wanted to be alone when he was feeling down or sick, but when it came to something serious like this Nick would need everybody by his side. The last thing he wanted his friend was to be alone.
Brian felt like a bad friend.
And some kind of patient advocate he was! He had left Nick when he needed him the most, when he was suppose to be there to support him. Never in his wildest fantasies had he thought that Nick would test positive for cancer again...he didnīt think that the cancer would spread this quickly and certainly not to the liver. Liver cancer was something that old people or alcoholics encounter not his little brother Nick.
With a deep sigh Brian drew a hand over his face, trying to sort out the feelings he felt. Nick had trusted him, telling him about his disease long before anyone else and and he had let him down. By leaving him when he needed him the most. But Leighanne had called, crying, telling him that her doctor was concerned over her high blood pressure and she had begged him to come back to her. To come back home. Since she was his wife, the one he loved the most in the whole world, and she was carrying his firstborn it was natural for him to do as she wanted to. To be by her side. But now he wasnīt so sure anymore...
Groaning he turned to his side to look at his alarm clock on the oak bedstand. Picking it up beside the book by Norman Mailer he looked at the red digits. 2:54 am. Early morning and he hadnīt even gotten one eye shut the whole night. Not that Brian was that unused to living a nightlife, especially a year back before the hiatus, but he didnīt like when the reason for his sleeplessness was disturbing thoughts invading his mind.
The bed creaked when he shifted again, afraid that his wife would wake up from the noise he glanced worriedly over at her side. She stirred, but showed no attempts on waking up and he stroked away a strand of blonde hair. She looked so peaceful and his heart was filled with love upon watching his beautiful wife. The last thing he wanted was to wake her up and reveal for her how bad he felt. He didnīt need to put any guilt on her for not being able to be there for Nick.
Satisfied he noticed that she was still sound asleep, he could relax again. His wife was due less than two months away and the doctor had told them that she thought that the baby would come sooner than expected. No one was more happy about it than Leighanne who had gained a lot of weight and couldnīt wait to get rid off the excess pounds. He also longed for the baby, although he felt scared too. Being a father was a big responsibility and there were times when he didnīt think he could handle that task, yet he longed so much that it ached inside of him.
He just hoped that Nick would be there to share his joy.
His eyes clouded when the thoughts went back to his friend down in Florida. He had left Nick in bad shape and now he felt regret over this. What had he been thinking? He wished that he could be by his friends side but as things were going this was an impossibility. At one occassion he had asked Leigh if she wanted to come with him to Florida, to Nick’s place, but she had refused, telling him that she wanted to be close to her parents and friends. He had even toyed with the idea of buying a house for them in Florida but when he had seen the annoyance in his wife’s face he had let the thought fall. She was making it very clear that it was in Atlanta and nowhere else she wanted to live. The house over in California was something that Brian had practically begged her to get. Leighanne Littrell was such a home girl.
"What is it Brian?" His wife’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. Looking over at her he was met with her concerned blue eyes. "Why aren’t you asleep? Are you alright?"
"Hush," he told her, not wanting to go further into the subject. "Iīm fine and itīs nothing honey." He stroke her cheek lightly with his hand. "Now go back to sleep."
But Leighanne wasnīt easily fooled. "No Brian, I want to know what’s bugging you." She took away his hand and looked him straight in his eyes. "Itīs Nick isnīt it?" The tone held a mixture of concerned and annoyance. There were also a hint of defeat.
He sighed. Was he that easy to read? Like an open book? Not wanting to make up another story he said slowly, "Yes Honey..Iīve been thinking about the surgery and all.." He was silent for a while before continuing. "What if something happens?" The words burned and he wished that he never had to utter them but it was on his mind. What if something went wrong? What if something happens. "What if he dies?"
Without even thinking what he was doing, he started to tell his wife all that he had on his mind. She listened in silence as he spilled his guts, telling her about the worry that he felt and the angst that was eating him up from the inside and out. She listened, hugging him when he started to cry, but said nothing in response. When he was finished with his talk she looked at him, pain filling her eyes. "Oh honey it isnīt easy is it?"
"Noo," he choked back, quickly trying to wipe away the tears that had rolled down his cheeks. She stopped his action with his hand, yet he continued with a bitter laugh, “Some friend I am. Leaving Nick when he needed me the most." He could have bit his tongue letting out the last words. Here he was putting on guilt on her, the guilt that was his and looking up at her he searched for any trace of distress in her beautiful blue eyes. Finding none he relaxed.
"Youīre the best of friends and Nick knows it, donīt you dare to think anything else Brian Thomas Littrell." Her tone was firm.
Running a hand over his face in despair he mumbled, "I donīt know what to do anymore."
"Yes you do." Leighanne’s tone was filled with emotions. Slowly she looked up at him, "You know what is the right thing to do." Surprised, he glanced up at her serious expression and was about to resond when she placed a finger on his lips, hushing him down. "Shhhh.." she whispered, "You need to see Nick. And I think Brian that you should go. Go to him."
The words hit him in his solar plexus. There were a mixture of relief and doubt as he listened to his wife. Did she really mean what she was saying? He knew that it must have hurt her to utter those words since he knew that she wanted him to stay with her.
He sat up straighter in bed. "No I canīt. You need me." He placed one around his wife’s shoulders. "The baby needs me too."
She shook her head, "No Brian. I can manage besides I have mom and Lucy and Sophie here for me. And the doctor said that all I should do is rest and that will be way too boring for you." She chuckled lightly. "We will be just fine.. Go..go and see Nick. He needs you even more than I do, at least now."
Upon hearing these words, Brian felt nothing but admiration for his wife. Here she was in the last trimester of her pregnancy telling him to be there for Nick, even though he knew that she wanted him by her side. Afraid that she would change her mind again he said quickly, "Leigh I think youīre right. I need to go to Nick, but I wont be long. Just a few days." He smiled towards her in reassurance, "I promise." He hugged her tightly "I love you."
"Donīt worry. Iīll be fine. Just you go." Leighanne forced a smile back on her lips but her eyes were clouded with pain. Pain over that her husband was once again choosing his little brother before her.
