'Please God let this operation go without any complications,' Brian prayed silently, staring at the closed doors where Nick had been wheeled in on a stretcher moments ago. He knew there was no use in standing in the hall but he couldnīt bring himself to go back to the sick room where the others waited for him to tell about the surgery. Running a hand over his face in a tired gesture he prayed that his friend, his little brother would be well again. Suddenly his prayers were interrupted by a hand tugging at his shirt sleeve.
"Brian! You..you think that w..we should g..g..go now?"
The older man jerked. For a moment he had been all alone, wrapped up in his own world and thoughts, all forgotten about Aaron that was standing next to him. Catching a quick glance at his side he saw the tears that filled the boy’s eyes. "We..we have to go ba..back to the others." His voice was thick with emotions as he choked back a sob trying desperately to find his bearings. It was crystal clear that the whole situation upset him greatly.
"Mmm...I guess you’re right. Let’s join the others." Brian forced a smile although it did nothing for the mood the teen was in. Noticing this, Brian put a comforting arm around his shoulder, "AC.. Iīm sure everything will be ok." He was doing his best to sound as convincing as he could but Aaron didn’t acknowledge. Instead a deep sigh was heard.
Brian continued with a light tone, "Hey buddy, you wanna go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat? You know..a sandwich or something?
The teen shrugged, yet said nothing back. He bit his lip like he was doing his best not to break down and start crying. Brian squeezed Aaron’s shoulder a bit. "Maybe we should get some ice cream..chocolate fudge. Doesnīt that sound good?"
"Whatever."
There was no happiness in the boy’s brown eyes and no matter what Brian would say or do he didnīt get any response back. Aaron had a habit of acting as stubborn as his older brother, especially those times when he was troubled over something. Finally he opened his mouth, "Brian," the tone was slow, "Iīm not hungry, letīs go back to the others instead. You know I promised to call mom."
"Ok." Brian nodded in agreement. It sounded like a good plan and he didnīt feel like standing in the hallway looking at the closed doors where he knew that they were preforming surgery on his best friend. His friend who he loved like his own brother. He was also greatful that Aaron had expressed that he wasnīt hungry since food wasnīt high on his priority list either. He had a quick meal on the plane, but other than that he just felt sick thinking of food.
The walk back to Nick’s room was in silence. Aaron hung his head not saying anything and usually Brian would have said something, a joke or a comment, to lighten the situation but no matter how hard he tried he couldnīt bring himself to do so now. His mind was all blank. The memory of Nick’s expression as the doctor was telling him about the surgery was something that was burned into his brain. The look of fright when the surgeon told him about the increased chemo as well as the line that was going to be attatched to his thigh was indescribable. More and more Brian realized that this was no easy procedure and that the battle Nick was in for was rather serious and hard. There had also been a brief look of despair and defeat for a moment and the tears that had rolled down his friend’s face made his stomach clench and didnīt actually improve the situation at hand. He had done his best to try and think positive but dreadful thoughts kept popping up in his mind, disturbing him all the time.
What if something went wrong? He had studied about Nick’s disease on the net and liver cancer was not something to take easy upon. What if they found another tumor? What if he never woke up? What if he died? Swallowing hard Brian had to fight to keep in his tears. Looking at the teen walking beside him he saw the same scared expression as he knew he had himself. A young nurse coming out of a room, holding sheets in her arms, smiled briefly at them. He knew that she recognized them but she didnīt say or do anything more. He felt greatful that the ward was taking precautions and that none of the personnel acted like they were top celebrities even if he knew that outside the department were journalists and fans waiting to get news about Nick’s well being.
The moment they stepped into Nick’s room questions rinsed all over them like raindrops in a thunderstorm. The questioning was mainly led by Kevin and Howie since AJ sat silent in a corner of the room not adding much to the conversation. Aaron sat down on Nick’s bed, picking up his brothers favorite Knicks T-shirt, hugging it like it was his own brother. The action made the rest of the guys feel sad but soon their attention was turned to Brian once again.
"What happened?"
"How is he?"
"What did they say?"
The more they asked the harder Brian had to answer and soon he felt the limit of it all. "STOP IT!" Brian snapped a bit more irritated than he intended to, "Let us at least come into the room before you start with the interrogation." He shook his head, "Whatīs the rush?"
"Jeeze.." Kevin sneered, "There’s no need for you to be so snotty."
Brian glared back at him. "Whatīs your problem?"
Kevin opened his mouth, but was cut off by Howie who said in soft tone that only he could muster, "Calm down you two. There’s no need to start an argument. This whole situation is making us all pretty tense and we need to relax." Turning to Brian he continued, "Sorry about asking so many questions but what did the doctor say anyway?”
With a deep sigh Brian started to reveal the information that he had been told and several gasps were heard through out the room, especially when he mentioned that Nick would have a chemo pump inserted into him.
"You canīt be serious!" was Kevin’s comment. "Nick will be so sick with that pump." He ran a hand over his three day old beard while he muttered, "Oh God!"
"I wish it was all a mistake," Brian swallowed hard. "The doctor saíd that they needed to give him an increased agressive treatment to be able to fight the cancer as best as they can." Adding he continued, "That way he would stand a pretty good chance to beat the disease once and for all."
"That sounds pretty good," Howie commented just to be interrupted by a loud voice coming from the corner of the room.
"Fucking bullshit!"
"What???" Four pair of eyes turned towards the angry young man in surprise. "What makes you say that?"
"Because that’s what it is. A bunch of bullshit. A lie!" This whole act startled the rest of them.
"How can you say something like that?" Brian demanded, suddenly very mad.
"Itīs all a fucking lie." AJ glared at them one by one. "You all know it....but you’re in so much denial that you believe yourself." He was standing up by now and Howie reached out his hand to calm down his friend but there were no use as AJ quickly shrugged the arm away. A hurt expression could be seen on the Latino’s face as he quickly moved his arm out of the way.
"Donīt," AJ warned in a threatening way. Then he looked at them all again, standing up this time. "You all know that Nick’s odds are very bad and that all they are doing with the chemo is to stall the inevidentable. Making him suffer even more."
This time it was Kevin taking tone, "What the hell are you implying?"
"Iīm not implying anything." Anger was making AJīs face all red. "I just stated the facts. Sarah had a classmate that got Hodgkins and a tumor in her liver and guess what??? She died!"
"That was totally uncalled for," Brian barked, nodding at Aaron to state his point, but the younger man made no sign of noticing this and instead continued.
"You are all so fucking scared about the truth and Iīm so sick and tired of all of you." He pointed to them. "You all pretend that Nick has some kind of flu bug that will go away like nothing had ever happened. You are all in fucking denial!"
"Bone.." Kevin raised his voice again as to tell his friend that he had enough.
"I donīt give a damn what you all think," AJ said glaring at Kevin who looked like he wanted to punch him out to get AJ to shut up. "If you for once stopped to pretend that everything was so damned fine and opened your eyes you would see that Nick is getting sicker and weaker by the minute..hell he is all skin and bone. How the fuck do you think that he can manage such a difficult surgery? And even if he pulls through the after effects with that chemo crap just makes him sicker. What kind of fucking life is that to live?"
"At least he is alive.." Howie started getting a glare from AJ.
"Yeah right!"
Kevin was being pushed over his limits and he rose a hand to stop AJ "Thatīs enough of your bullshit!" He was the one to call it quits and he stared at the younger man with an expression cold as ice, "Now you fucking stop it!"
"Why?" There was a challange in his voice. "Why? Are you so damned scared about the truth?"
"Thatīs not truth AJ and you know it." Now it was Brian that was cutting into the conversation, intent to stop it so Aaron wouldnīt be hurt anymore than he was.
"I wasnīt talking to you," AJ retrorted to Brian before turning back to Kevin. "You if anyone has seen what cancer does to people. Why are you so fucking scared to hear what I have to say?"
"Iīm not scared," Kevin’s voice shook with emotions, "but you hurt people with the way youīre talking." With his head he gestured to Aaron who sat quiet on the bed, hugging the shirt like it was his only friend, looking lost and forlorn. "You better watch what youīre saying."
AJ glanced at Aaron and felt his stomach clench as he was taking in the picture of Nick’s little brother crying on the bed. He was no coldhearted beast and swallowing hard he wanted to stop yet there were so many words that he wanted to say. So many emotions that were bottled up inside of him and that he had to get rid of before he exploded. "Iīm just telling you what I see yet you act like you donīt seem to care." He drew his breath back like he was trying to gain new strength. "When are you all going to realize that Nick might never come back.....that he can fucking die in that room?" A single tear broke free from his eyes, rolling down his cheek, but as hastily as it had errupted, he was just as quick as he wiped it away with the back of his hand. "Fuck!"
The air stood still as everybody waited for the explosive arguing to take place like it usually did after someone had spilled a comment like that. But instead there was a silence so deafening that it felt like it was going to choke them all. No one said anything as the reality of the words that AJ just uttered was slowly sinking in. Even if they didnīt want to admit it, AJ had said the words that had been on everyone’s mind all morning, even the otherwise so positive Howie.
The clock kept ticking by and all that could be heard in the room was Aaron’s quiet sobbing as he had buried his face into brother’s Knicks shirt silently whispering, "Please Nick..please..you gotta make it..please you canīt leave us now..we need you!"
