Nick groaned. Never in his 23 year old life had he puked this much as he had done during this hell night. Every bone in his body ached and no matter what he did the nausea wouldnīt let up. The medication he got a little over an hour ago had done little good and he was still heaving up his guts like there was no tomorrow. It hurt his stomach so much since all he could bring up was bile and a transparent foul smelling substance. It smelled and looked so bad that it made him gag over and over again.
A vicious circle that he couldnīt break.
"Iīm so..sorry," he choked out, heaving for the umpteenth time that night. His body was wracked with spasms and chills, making him feel small, like a young kid.
"Thatīs ok honey, just let it all up," the fat middle aged nurse said softly, while holding the curved emisis basin in front of him. Rubbing his back in small circles she whispered soothingly, "Everything will be fine, just relax."
Nodding he tried to hold back the tears that blurred his vision. "It..it hurts so..so bad," he sobbed, holding his hand over his stomach, trying to supress the cramps that made his innards feel like they were being ripped out. "Mom?"
"No honey, your mother went outside to make a phone call," the nurse smiled as she helped him to lay back down in the bed. "I will go and talk with the doctor on duty and have him order another medication for the nausea. A stronger one. Hopefully this will do the trick." She patted him on his cheek, "Try to get some rest and if you want something just press the button. I’ll be back soon."
"Ok," he whispered, too weak and drained to make his voice heard. His lips felt so dry that he would have killed for something to drink. Yet he knew that he wasnīt allowed anything else but ice chips since any substance just made him sicker. Closing his eyes he tried to think positive.
'Think positive thoughts Nick..think,' he urged himself while trying to quell the nausea and dizziness that was lurking behind the corner. Threatening like a beast to hit him whenever he expected it the least. His mother had thought him to always look at the bright and positive side of all situations, including a time like this. Miserably he decided that this was going down as one of the worst nights in history and not for all the money in the world he wanted a repeat performance. Yet there was very little he could do about it.
His body didnīt give him much respite and when he wasnīt heaving his guts up he was wracked with gut wrenching cramps that made it impossible to lay still. To his dimay he suffered from a very upset stomach which had resulted in several bed changes making him even more embarrassed than he ever thought was possible. He was actually greateful that there were very few to witness him in this position since the mere thought of someone finding out about his "situation" made his ears blush. The nurses had been kind to him, soothingly telling him that it was ok and that this was something that happened to most cancer patients on chemotheraphy. It was one of the nasty side effects that he could do without.
Wiping away the tears from his cheeks, he wanted someone to be by his side. Not wanting to be alone. His heart ached when he had watched the fright in his mother’s eyes and even if he knew how much he hurt her by being this sick he still wanted her to be there for him. To stroke his face, whispering that everything would be just fine. But no such thing had happened.
Instead she had been totally hysterical, running in and out of the room yelling at the nurses that her baby was in pain and that they were pure incompetent that they couldnīt stop her son for being sick.
He felt so embarrassed and he didnīt know what was worse. Him being sick like an infant or his mother yelling at everyone that were doing their best to help. If he hadnīt been so weak he would have told them to shut up but then she would have been upset with him and the last thing he wanted was her to be mad. He wanted, no he desperately needed her by his side since he was afraid to be alone. Such contradictions.
But that was impossible.
His mother was a bundle of nerves and the way she acted she couldnīt give him comfort, instead he had to face this battle alone. The three nurses that had been surrounding him had tried to give him the comfort that he so desperately wanted. But that was not enough. It would have felt good if it had been his mother that had wiped off the sweat on his forehead and rubbed his back when he felt ill instead of a total stranger.
But what else could he expect?
In the past it had always been his dad that had been there for him when he was sick being on the road. Strangely he hadnīt giving it much thought since she was mostly busing taking care of his siblings, attending one event after the other with them. Instead it had been his father who had been at his side in all kinds of situations. It was Bob who had been to the pharmacy in a strange European country, not understanding a word, asking for pain relivers for Nick throat that was so sore that it was bleeding. He was the one that had stayed up all night rubbing lotion on Nick’s blisters when he had been out too long in the sun when they were on vacation in Mallorca. It was Bob who used to rub his back in small circles, whispering comforting words when one stomach bug after the other had attacked him on one of his tours in Europe. And it was he who wiped off the sweat off his forehead when he was too weak to do anything but lay in his bunk, moaning while fever chills wracked his body.
Still he wanted his mother to be there for him when he really hurt even if he always got the same response; "Honey I would love to be there with you, but I have to take Aaron or BJ to this event. Iīm sure that Bob will help you out." She was too busy taking care of the others, being the "perfect mom" to know how much it hurt him inside. With jealousy he had watched her being both comforting and soothing to the others when they were ill. Just not never there for him.
Jane had a positive personality. She tried to see the good in all situations, sometimes so hard that she stuck her head in the sand, not wanting to see any problems. A smile was never far away and she never ceased to tell anyone how proud she was over her five beautiful children. To the public she was the Perfect American mother that managed to raise five wonderful children as well as being a business woman. He knew that many people admired her for this and he did too, in a small extent. Beacuse there were a side too, that wasnīt as glamorous.
It was like she was afraid seeing him sick or sad. Being vulnurable.
Whenever her "baby" seemed down or something was wrong she tried her hardest to cheer him up. To her he was obligated to look happy, smiling even when he felt like the whole world would collapse. When he complained she kept telling him how fortune he was to be in the position that he was and that there were many youths that wanted to be in his shoes. This was one of the reasons why he hadnīt told her about his cancer until it was too late to hide everything.
But even when he felt hurt by her actions he still knew that she was doing her best to help him out. Her positive thinking had helped him a long way on the rocky road and he knew that this was her way of caring for him. She only wanted him good. Wanted him the best.
In an early age Nick had learned to trust his own instincts and to solve his own problems in the best way he could. Smiling and thinking positive. Those times when he couldnīt cope any longer he turned to the guys or to his dad. Usually they were there for him, giving him a hand and to say the least he had become mildly surprised when his mother had volunteered to stay with him at the hospital. Heīd felt relaxed being together with her and they had actually chatted a bit in between his naps until his body had decided to betray him and she became just as scared as she had always been.
He didnīt know what was worse, having the aches and the lingering sickness or seeing the hurt in her eyes when she looked at him. It made him want to do everything to spare her the pain, after all she was his mother and he loved her.
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He must have dosed off for a few minutes since the next time he opened his eyes he found a nurse as well as his mother standing by his bedside. Both with a concerned expression on their faces.
"Hey baby how are you feeling?" Jane asked gently before feeling his forehead. With a frown she turned to the other woman, "He seems a bit warm to me."
The redhaired nurse that didnīt look much older than him felt on his forehead before stating, "Itīs from the chemo. It can make him a little warm." She picked up a syringe and started to prepare him for another injection.
"Really?" Jane snorted. "Well I have raised five children and to me it looks like he is running a fever."
"Itīs one of the side effects of the chemo, elevated body temperature," the nurse explained before turning her attention to Nick, "Hello Nick. Iīm Anna and Iīm here to give you some medication for the nausea."
"Hey," Nick mumbled, for a moment feeling bad that he looked like complete crap when such a good looking nurse was tending to him. But soon his thoughts were forgotten when he heard his mother sneer in the back.
"Where did all the other nurses go?"
Groaning Nick wanted to sink through his bed. Why did his mother have to be such a bitch?
"They had other patients to tend to," Anna said while she injected the syringe into the IV line. "This might burn a bit as it goes through your vein. It can also make you want to urinate but donīt worry it the feeling will quickly disappear, making you sleepy instead."
"Ok." God did he feel stupid, yet there were very little he could do but wait for the medication to take effect.
"Will this really make his stomach problems go away?" There were serious doubt in his mother’s voice and he knew that she was questioning the young nurse’s compitence.
"Yes, I hope so." She pulled the syringe out of the line and then placed it on the table in front of her. "Heīs been giving a rather strong dose and usually this will work out fine, but itīs important to know that each individual responds differently to the medication." Her voice was a bit shaky as she looked into his mother’s eyes.
NOOOOO Wrong answer!!! Nick wanted to yell at her not to get into the trap that he saw his mother had set up for her. It was clear that she didnīt like Anna at all and he had seen his mother crush people that were much stronger just like that.
"What?"His mother’s voice was hard, "I hope that youīre not saying that you donīt know how my baby will react to the medication. That you donīt know what you are giving him?"
Now the nurse was getting nervous. Her eyes flickered as she said, "No Mrs. Carter I was just stating that every patient can respond differently and that I donīt know how Ni..I mean Mr. Carter will respond." She wasnīt prepared for the fight that Jane was aiming for. "But I believe that this will make him feel better."
Looking at his mother he found her standing there, arms folded, lips pursed like a mark ready to go into full battle. "Little girl, Iīm NOT interesting in what you are thinking. My son is paying a great deal of money and I want the best of treatment there is. Not some girl that is barely dry behind the ears to administer him his shoots." Staring hard at the nurse who seemed to crumble in front of his mother’s eyes she continued with much authoritiy. "I hope you are not using my son as a guinea pig!"
The nurse, shocked by Jane’s acting, shook her head vigorously. She was very surprised over the uncomfortable scene the rich woman was making. "NO..NO I can assure you that Mr. Carter is getting the best treatments. Dr. Andersen is a highly respected oncologist."
Nick felt so bad for her. His mother could be such a rag when she wanted to and to tell the truth he wouldnīt want to be an enemy with her either. "Mom," he whispered hoping that she would understand that he didnīt want a fight. That she would surrender peacefully.
But she did no such things instead she held up a hand in air to stop him. "No Nick..I know what Iīm talking about. Trust me." Turning toward the poor young nurse that looked scared out of her witts she snarled, "You better be telling the truth since if I find out that you are not giving my son the best treatment there is I will personally sue this hospital."
Anna looked like she was ready for an escape. "Ye..Yes," she whispered her eyes scanning the room for a refuge.
This last words were too much for him. He was starting to get enough of his mother’s constant nagging at everyone. If he had the strength he would have told her off yet the medication was starting to take itīs toll on his body. Making him sleepy. "Mom please.." he started just to get cut off again.
"Hush Nick, Iīm just helping you out."
"But Mom you donīt need to.." Once again she didnīt listen, interrupting him as he talked.
"Baby Iīm your mother and I know what is best for you." When he didnīt seem to get too excited she added, "Honey you will get the best there are out there..I will personally see to that so that you can get well again." She smiled at him, "As soon as this nurse leaves," she pointed at the scared girl, "I have an susprise for you." Kissing his forehead she whispered, "My baby boy deserves the best."
Nick felt like a small child. Her strong purfume was ready to choke him and he wanted to scream at her to leave him alone. Instead he gritted his teeth knowing that when his mother started there were no way of stopping her. He just had to bare with the situation. The medication was making him drowsy. Yet he couldnīt make his body relax long to fall asleep. His mother was making him nervous.
As soon as the nurse had left the room he could hear his mother sneer,"Quack!" Turning towards Nick she asked, "Did your tummy finally settle?"
"Mmmm." His brain felt like mush. He was so tired that every word was making him confused and disoriented and he was fighting hard to keep his eyes open.
"Oh honey," she stroke his head softly, "You have no idea how scared I was when I saw in how much pain you were." Her eyes were filled with tears.
Feeling bad for making his mother so upset Nick quickly said, "Mom itīs ok. I feel so much better now. If I can just sleep I will feel.."
Not listening her eyes were suddenly filled with happiness. The tears were all washed away and intead she said with the widest smile, "I have the best news for you."
"Huh?" He couldnīt help to wonder, fear, what she was up to now.
"Honey like I said, I didnīt want to say anything while that tacky nurse was in the room." There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice before she quickly changed her tone. "Sweetie I have called one of the best oncologists in the world! His name is Dr. Blake Griffith and when I told him about your situation he volunteered to take you in. Isnīt it great?" Her eyes were shining like a child waiting for santa. "And I havenīt told you the best thing. Itīs on the west coast, In LA! Isnīt it wonderful?"
Nick couldnīt believe his ears. What she saying? Had she called another doctor? Without his knowledge? His temper rose and he had to bite back to control his anger. What business did she have to do something like that?
"Dr. Griffith has treated many promintent Hollywood celebrities." She laughed like a school girl ready for her first prom. "Darling donīt you see..This will be great. You will be able to stay near us. With our family and we can visit you everyday."
Nick felt like he would choke. "No mom..I donīt want to go." His voice was weak since drowsiness was settling in and he had a hard time talking. Why was she doing this to him? Tears pricked in his eyes.
Jane didnīt take a no for an answer. "Baby donīt you see..you will be with the best of the best. Not some quacks that doesnt know what medication to give you." She pointed at the IV line running to his side. "You deserve so much better than being stuck to something like that." There were disgust in her voice.
"Mom I need that one..that is my food," Nick tried to reason with his mother but he knew it was fruitless on the way she talked like he wasnīt in the room.
"Dr. Griffith is very prominent in research too and he had tried different methods too," she smiled at him, "Imagine you will get a doctor that people line up to be come to. Iīm so happy..for your sake."
"No..No.." He could feel the desperation setting in. "Donīt you understand..I donīt want to go..Moom!!" He pleaded so bad even if he didnīt have the strength to open his mouth, much less talk. "Dr. Andersen IS the best and I like her." He looked at her, stubbornly. " This is my home and I ainīt going to some damned hospital in LA!" His body started to shake from the exhaustion he was feeling as well as from the tension creeping up inside off him. He felt so helpless.
Couldnīt his mother see that he wanted to stay here in Florida?
Jane Carter was not pleased with her sons outburst, "You have to look at the positive side." Her tone held a different sound, a more authoritive one, "Nick you have to listen to me. That female doctors of yours might be good but now we are talking about the BEST. Dr Blake even treated Elisabeth Taylor from her cancer." She smiled. "Imagine baby, you are getting true celebrity. You could end up in the cover of Peoples magazine!"
So that was it! Even when he was lying in the hospitalbed with tubes sticking out from everywhere she was still thinking of media and business. He shook his head even harder, making his stomach doing sommersaults in the process. "NO..NO I ainīt going to leave Tampa. EVER. So stop running my life!"
Piercing her mouth hard, in a thin line, Jane snarled, "You have always been too stubborn for your own good." Folding her arms she continued, "Very well Nickolas, if you want to stay here you can do that. I am NOT going to force you. If you are willing to loose your one opportunity to get healthy Iīm NOT going to stop you." She looked hard at him, "God Nick, I wish that you stopped thinking of yourself for once." With that the tears started to roll down her cheeks.
Now Nick felt bad. He was making his mother cry. Again. "Mom..I didnīt mean to sound so angry. Please forgive me." His voice started to shake when he grabbed for his mothers hand.
Wiping her tears away she said with a sob, "I wish that you could have just listened. It would have been so perfect. You could have lived with us instead of being cooped up in this southern..southern hole."
Her words were meant to be soothing, yet they felt sarcastic to him and he let go off her hand immediatly, "Mom.." he said with a slow tone. " Mom that place that you call a hole is my home. And I ainīt leaving." The medication was really kicking in and he was so sleepy that he had a hard time keeping his eyes open.
Jane opened her mouth to say something nasty back but stopped herself in the process. Taking a good look at her son she noticed how exhausted he looked, "Darling..Iīm sorry. I can see that you are tired." She stroked his cheek gently, "Itīs my fault I made you this upset. I should have known."
Looking up briefly Nick felt a hope lit in his heart. Was she finally listening to him? Did his words come through to her? But as fast as the hope was lit as fast was it gone.
"You are much too tired to think. Now get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day. We will talk about this when you feel more rested and Iīm sure that you will look at it from a different perspective." Smiling she continued, "Honey you deserve the best and you will get it."
Too tired to fight his mothers argument Nick could feel his body finally giving in. He wanted to say something, wanted to scream yet all he could do was nod and close his eyes. Letting sleep finally come.
