But fate had wanted it differently and he was living the hectic life of a popstar in one of the most popular popbands in music history. He was a celebrity, a millionare and had to endure the downside of fame, that came within this territory, whether it was dealing with screaming hysterical fans or nosy journalists.
Today was one of those days when he wanted to be ‘John Doe’ especially since the line of fans waiting to see a glimpse of their idols were very long outside the studio and journalists kept calling them 24/7. It was like they had no other obligations than to tend to the media and fan’s needs and this had Brian very annoyed. He knew he was labeled as ‘the-most-hard-to-meet-Backstreet-Boy’ and there was more than one person that had thought he was stuck up and not interested in the fans. The truth was that the reason for his action was that he had to keep a low profile so that he could stay sane. He needed his own personal life to be outside the business or he was sure the industry would eat him alive. This was more out of survival instincts than being cold hearted.
They had been in a meeting all day with their record label. The issue they were discussing was about the album as well as the bands future and the guys and the record companys opinions differed rather forcefully. To tell the truth Brian didnīt have the energy to follow much of the conversation since all he wanted to do was go back to Nick’s place and get a few hours of well needed sleep. Even if he knew that the group’s whole future was at stake there was much more important things on his mind.
Leighanne had called during one of their breaks and she had been very upset, crying on the telephone. The reason for her distress was that she had been to see the OB doctor earlier in the day and her specialist had told her that her cervix was soft and had started to dialate half an inch and this together with her high blood pressure was cause for concern. Her specialist had wanted her admitted so they could take run some medications through an IV as well as monitor her to see if she was having small contractions and they had told her that there was a slight risk that she could go into premature labor with their baby boy. This was no good since she wasnīt due for another six weeks and every day that the baby could stay in the uterus was valuable time.
The news had shook up Brian pretty bad and he felt totally torn in his descions. One part of him wanted to stay with Nick while the other part ached to go back home and be with his wife and unborn child. None of the other guys knew about the news he received today and he didnīt think it was the best time to tell them either since they were much too wrapped up in talking legal contracts and other obligations.
"Brian!" He could feel a hand on his arm, "Have you heard anything that has been said?" His cousin’s southern drawl pierced into his thoughts and he blinked several times, as to clear his mind. "You alright?" Clearing his voice he nodded, "Uh..yeah..I was just thinking." He half expected AJ to throw in a punchline, something witty like he always used to do like, ‘Donīt hurt yourself.’ This never happened since their age was starting to show and they had become much more serious and mature. The only one that could still throw a line like that was Nick, although Brian doubted it since his young "brother" was much more serious these days, especially since he became sick with cancer.
After regaining his composure he smiled paley. "Iīm fine." The words didnīt sound too reasurring since all of the guys looked at him like he was some kind of UFO. They had concern written on their expressions and no matter how hard Brian tried to look as everything was just peachy it didnīt fool good ol' Kev.
"I think itīs time to take five."
No one disagreed.
The meeting had been going on much too long and they werenīt even near coming to an agreement. The record label wanted the guys to finish doing their album right now when they were hung up, especially with Nick’s illness, but the guys wanted to wait. There was no way that Nick was in any shape or form to go into the studio and start working on an album when he couldnīt even sit up for ten minutes straight without getting tired. But the management seemed to think otherwise and they wanted to "cash in” on Nick’s illness. It was strictly business for them.
Kevin who was as always the "spokesman" of the group defended their opinions that they had to wait until Nick would get better since anything that could tax him out might be worse for his health. When management had said that they were going to disappoint millions of fans and told them to do the album without Nick, Kevin had stated in his calm authoritive tone that they had been five all these years and they would remain this way. Five or None was when Nick remained well enough to record was their last offer. No negoatiations.
Managment was far from happy and had pulled a stunt that if they didnīt do the album they were suppose to do in their contract within limited time they would all get sued. Personally. It had been pretty ugly there for a while and Brian was actually happy Nick wasnīt there to hear it all. He would be much too worked up.
Once they were out in the hallway Brian felt a hand on his shoulder, "Cuz is something wrong?" Kevin’s eyes were filled with seriousness and a hint of concern. "You look troubled."
Brian, never good at hiding what he was feeling inside, bit his lip. His heart was heavy and he felt like his whole life was starting to break apart....piece by piece. First Nick’s disease then Leighanne’s problem pregnancy and now the fight over the upcoming album. It was all getting to be too much and he seriously doubted if he would be able to handle it all professionally. Last day’s incident over at the studio had only been a fortelling on what to come and there were signs that had Brian wondering if he was on a verge of a nervous breakdown.
He needed time to be alone and think!
"Iīm fine..this meeting is kind of taxing me out though."
AJ who pressed a cigarette to his lips nodded with agreement. "I know what youīre talking about. Man all these dudes ever care about is money and they donīt give a flying fuck about us or Nicky for that matter feels about the situation." He shook his head while lighting the cigarette with his gold lighter. "Itīs fucking crazy man and Iīm happy Kaos isnīt here hearing all this shit!" As to state his opinion he blew smoke towards the management that was standing talking further down the hallway and added with loads of disgust, "Fuckers!"
With a frown of disgust Kevin shook his head, turning his back towards the rebel to face his cousin again. "I know this whole affair is stressing us all out but Brian you seem to have alot on your mind.." He didnīt have a chance to end his sentence before AJ cut in with a snort, "Donīt we all?" Irritated over being interrupted with his attempt to find out what was bugging his cousin he sneered, "Jay Iīm not talking to you. Why donīt you go and find something else to do." His tone was crisp like a midwinter night.
AJ, not liking to be told off like a three year old set his eyes into Kevin’s and opened his mouth to say something obscene back when Howie cut in. "Yes J, come on." Patting his friend on his back he tried to cool him down, "Letīs go out and get some fresh air. This whole place stinks."
"No wonder," Kevin muttered shaking his head "and put that cigarette out when you leave will ya?"
AJ ready to get into a battle snapped with an irritated glare."Whatīs biting your ass?"
Kevin wasnīt late in retrorting, "You,"
Howie, the bands peacemaker saw a fight coming on and quickly said, "Jay come on lets go." When AJ started to refuse, still too worked up over being treated like a kid he hardened the grip on his shoulder, "NOW!" With a displeased grunt the younger man shrugged his shoulders and then mumbled a silent “Ass” before shutting the door behind him.
As soon as the two men were out of sight Kevin let out a deep sigh. "Damn he can be so freaking annoying," he complained, "you would think the guys would start to mature some day..but no."
Brian smiled paley. "Yeah itīs like he is taking Nick’s place lately." The two of them chuckled before Kevin grew serious again. "Really man..whatīs the matter with you? Did something happen? Is it this whole situation that’s getting to you? Because if it is Iīm telling you that youīre not alone."
Brian, feeling a bit uncomfortable, fidgeted nervously while biting on his fingernail. "No..itīs not that," he said when Kevin’s eyes had pierced through his soul long enough.
"Then what is it? Nick?"
He shook his head again, knowing that it was stupid not to spell out what was really bothering him. Leighanne and the baby. The reason for not spilling anything was because he thought that the rest of the guys had enough their minds and that he didnīt have to add any more by taking up his own problems too. Besides he needed some time to think and had told Leigh that he would call her later on in the evening. His mind was more and more set to going back home and he knew that she would be very happy with his decision. But would Nick and the guys be that way too?
"Leigh?" Kevin kept pressing on, making no attempt to stop in his mission to find out what was making his friend so gloomy. Noticing Brian’s eyes darken he set his hand to his face, "God Brian, donīt say that something has happened to her?" His mind started to recall the phone call a few hours earlier when Brian had hastily left and returned looking like a zombie. After that conversation his cousin had remained quiet and withdrawn all the time wrapped up in his own thoughts. Heīd thought that the change in mood mainly was beacuse Brian always hated these kind of meetings but now he knew better. "Is it the baby?"
The words couldnīt have hit harder. Brian had to do everything to keep his head and he desperately tried to hold back the tears that burned in his eyes. When he was younger he was being very emotional but these days he mostly kept all the feelings inside himself. It hurt less that way. Today however it was like the damm broke and he was genuinely scared that he had reached the bottom. There was only so much stress that a man could face at a time. With a nod he started to tell about Leighanne and the situation that they were in for.
It felt so good to let it all out and Kevin listened without making any comments.
"And now I donīt know what to do..I feel like Iīm in a mousetrap and canīt get out. Leigh needs me and I wanna go home to her but at the same time Iīve signed to be Nick’s advocate and he needs me too." Brian let out a sigh of despair, his shoulder hunched down. Before he could react he felt Kevin lay an arm around his shoulders.
"Iīm so very sorry bro," he said with genuine concern. "But you have to do what feels the best for you."
"If it was that easy..but I donīt know." Brian knew he sounded desperate yet he couldnīt help it. He didnīt want to see either of the parts being hurt.
"I know..I know.." The older man looked at his friend. "You wanna hear what I think?”
Shrugging away from Kevin’s warm embrace Brian looked at him, "Yes."
"I think you should do what your heart wants to. Donīt think of what other person wants you to do. I know that you feel very much for Nick and that you want to be with him but I also know that Leigh and the baby mean very much to you too so I think you should go back home.
"You really think so?" Brian said slowly, "I donīt know..I feel like Iīm letting him down if I leave."
"No, youīre not. Nick will understand, besides he is doing much better and we and his family are all there to support him and once everything clears up back home you can come down here again. Besides heīs just a phone call and a couple of hours flight away."
"Ok," he ran his hand through his hair, "I guess youīre right. I will call the airport and book some tickets and then I will go back after the meeting then."
"Sounds like a plan to me," Kevin smiled but his smile didnīt reach his eyes.
"All I have to do is tell the guys and hope that they understand." He felt a twinge of worry.
"They will....they know how much your family means to you," his cousin reassured, "Now go ahead and book those tickets."
Brian nodded. He felt like a kid waiting for his parent to tell him what to do. But it felt good at the same time. Like a relief. Once again Kevin had proved to be there for him, not only for Nick who he had been jealous of many times when he thought that the kid had gotten too much attention. Today however he didnīt feel like that. Instead he was grateful for the rock Kevin proved to be. The rock that was there to lean against when his own life was too rough to handle.
He didnīt know how long he had been laying there but every bone in his body hurt and everytime he tried to open his eyes it felt like his world would go into one endless spinning circle and he was on a roller coaster ready to be slung out of his bed. Taking a steady grip in his bed he willed himself to be still long enough to comprehend what was going on around him but it was too hard to do and all he could do was groan at the misery he was in.
Fever raged in his body and the chills wracked him so hard that he was chattering teeth. Heīd recognized the signs of running a pretty high fever and it was confirmed when there was always someone by his side and they were doing everything they could to lower his temperature. His mind felt so mushy and strange like he was walking on thin clouds and every move made him groan out from discomfort. The sounds around him were jumbled and blurry, almost in the same way when you dive and get water in your ears. God knows heīd done it enough times to know what it felt like.
Shivering, he tried to get his teeth to stop chattering since it hurt his head too much. The headache was coming on stronger and it was accompanied by a nausea so bad that he just wanted to curl up and die. People kept talking to him but he didnīt have the energy to answer, much less raise his hand to tell them that he understood. Instead he just laid there feeling them prodding and poking at him, making his chills even worse when they put a cooling blanket over him. It was like he was in hell.....but a cold hell and it sucked just as much.
Several times heīd tried to tell them to leave him alone. To let him wallow in his own misery but his parched throat didnīt co-operate with him and the words came out like animal-like moans. Any attempt to open his eyes were futile since it sent his stomach up his throat, making the bile burn in his throat. Honestly he didnīt think he had the strength or energy to do yet another round of dry heaving and this left him content to just laying there, hoping that someone would have the decency to give him some good drugs so the pain and the discomfort would go away.
Instead they kept talking to him, making him even more annoyed. "Nick..Nick try and open your eyes for me," a female voice cooed and he wanted to tell her to leave him alone. A bright light was shone into his eyes making him cringe. God couldnīt they see that he was suffering?
That was how it was with cancer. Well enough to eat one hour then sicker than a dog the next!
Tears rolled down his cheeks as another icy chill ran up his spine and he desperatly tugged at his blanket trying to get some heat into his frozen body. The words "pain..syringe..sleep" was heard and he desperately wished that they had decided to end his misery. He didnīt have to wait long until the familiar burning sensation felt through his veins and soon he started to sink further and further away into oblivion...
"Itīs your descision," Howie said when Brian had told the guys that he would go back home on the night flight. None of the guys had questioned his choice even if he could see in AJīs eyes that he didnīt look too pleased. Yet the younger man said nothing and Brian was frimly determinded that he had made the right choice.
After their break the meeting never really picked up the same speed as it had before and at ten o’clock they decided to call it quits. Brian had to go back and pack for his flight and they were all beat and needed to re-think the situation. Management had offered them a deal that they were allowed a break until Brian’s baby was born since they were still too wrapped up in everything about this situation and they couldnīt concentrate on working on a new album. Hopefully by that time Nick would be doing better also and they would join together as a group again.
Just when they were about to wrap it up Brian’s cellphone started ringing. They all stiffened and looked at Brian who swallowed nervously. What if something had happened to Leighanne? Or the baby? Much too afraid to answer, his hands shook as he pushed the button and while desperately clearing his voice he awaited the worst of news.
There were a piercing silence in the room as Brian answered the phone.
Upon hearing a females voice on the other end his heart started to beat even faster. Was Leigh going into labour? Was everything allright with their baby? He felt like time stood still and he couldnīt hear a word that was being said since his heart pounded too fast. Too afraid that something had happened to his family he became paralyzed and the words hospital and fever was all that he took notice of as well as the rest of the guys silence and concerned expressions. Suddenly someone took charge and he felt a hand take away his cellphone.
"This is Kevin Richardson," he heard his cousin say with his slow southern drawl. "Iīm Brian Littrell’s cousin.....is something wrong with his wife?"
Everybody looked at Kevin and they could all see how his facial expression changed as he was talking. He paled visibly and thoughts juggled in Brian’s mind and all he could think of was the worst. That she had gone into early labor and that he had lost both her and the baby. A gentle squeeze was felt on his shoulder and looking up he met Howie’s warm brown eyes smiling at him. "Itīs ok buddy..itīs ok." the Latino said with comfort.
The whole conversation felt like eternity and he wanted Kevin to stop talking so he could know what was going on, but his cousin made no such attempt. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes like hours. Finally he could hear Kevin say thank you to the nurse or doctor at the other end and the minute he hung up Brian was there with his questions.
"How is she doing? What happened? Is the baby alright?"
Kevin remained silent for a few moments before saying slowly, "Brian that wasnīt about Leighanne."
"No?" Brian could feel his heartbeat slowing down and a relief washed all over him. "Not about the baby either?" Still he didnīt dare to let out the breath heīd been holding.
"No," Kevin shook his head and the rest of them looked at him with a mixture of annoyance and fright. AJ was the first to ask. "If it wasnīt about Leigh or the baby then what is it?" They all knew the anwer but none of them wanted to hear it.
"Itīs Nick.." Kevin paused a moment before continuing, "he’s running a very high fever and they’ve taken him down to IUC......"
