"Oh my baby..my beatiful baby," she whispered as she stroked his hand gently; A tear stung in her eyes but she quickly wiped it away afraid that someone would come in and see her in the vulnerable state that she was in. Sheīd been sitting next to the bed for more than five hours, refusing to let anyone enter the room since she was the best fit to take care of him. After all she was his mother and she opted to be there for him when he woke up. Alone.
But there were no signs of him waking up, his body too pumped with the heavy drugs that filled his veins. His restless moves and the occasional deep frown on his forehead told her that the drugs didnīt do it all and that he was still in some kind of discomfort. Feeling his forehead she noticed that he was much too warm for her liking and soon as one of the nurses came in for the hourly check up she would tell them that she suspected a fever.
Wincing, her hand came in contact with the soft skin on his head and she was instantly reminded of the reason for why he was laying here all helpless. It was the cancer that was slowly eating him up. Making him loose the lovely thick golden hair that he had since he was a little boy. Her heart was filled with tears upon looking at the shadow that her son had become. His baldness made her feel sick to her stomach and the fact that he was all skin and bones made her wanna scream, but instead she kept a calm surface, not betraying anything of the turmoil that filled her inside.
The fatigue and the stress that sheīd been experiencing over the last days and weeks, were slowly catching up with her. She had done her best to act like nothing was wrong since it was the only thing she could do. If she let those feelings of despair out she feared a breakdown was close and that was not something that Aaron or any of her children would benefit from, therefore she kept playing the charade. All the while hoping that it was just another nightmare and that she would wake up from it and it would be like it had always been. Nick well and healthy and everybody happy and smiling. Her psychologist had said that she was in denial and needed help. To that she had told him that he was talking a bunch of crap and that she could deal with it all without any interference from someone else. Then she had fired him. And now she was inclined to prove everyone that she could handle the pressure. That Jane Carter was a strong woman that didnīt break down over her son's illness.
But now she wasn't so sure any longer...
The news that her son was struggling for his life and had nearly died hit her like a ton of bricks. The thought of loosing him made her feel ill to her stomach and she had to do everything to remain her usual calm self. The irritation that she had felt earlier was more a result of desperation than anything else. Dealing with emotions had never been her strong suit, especially when it was strong feelings like love, sadness and hate. Her escape route had been pretending that everything was status quo and to spend her time in LA with the rest of the family. Her attempt to get Nick to move with her to LA had failed and had instead lead them to have an unsolved conflict.
She knew that people thought she was a cold hearted bitch, even her own husband had those thoughts, but it couldnīt be more wrong. It wasnīt her fault that she ever since childhood was thought to always look at difficult situations from a positive light, as she called it herself. Bob, like her former psychologists (she fired them all) called it denial, but this she refused to listen to. Instead her attitude to always act like nothing was wrong had proved to be a big help through out the years. How else could she deal with a stressful schedule with all of her children being in the entertainment business in one way or the other?
She was a successful manager more than a mother and this was a skill that she intended to keep because if that didnīt work out what was she then? A failure?
Every time the topic of Nick's disease came up she did her best to stay away from it all, staying out of his vision since being too close could lead her to having to deal with too powerful and strong emotions which she wasn't ready to handle. Reality often had a tendency to sneak up on her when she least expected it and even if she knew deep down inside that it was her obligation as a mother to take care of her son she still did everything to avoid it. Nick reminded her too much of the cruel and naked truth.
Tears were starting to roll down her cheeks when her thoughts were interrupted by a groan. instantly she focused on her son who acted like he was starting to wake up. "Nick?" she whispered but got no answer back. Instead his eyelids fluttered and he moved restlessly in bed. Moaning.
"Nickolas honey. Do you hurt?" Her voice was soft yet she had to will herself to keep calm since her instinct told her that he was suffering.
Mumbling something unheard she saw that he was struggling to wake up. Her first thought was to get a nurse that could deal with his pain since he was showing more and more signs of being in distress. The moans kept coming closer and the deep wrinkle on his forehead told her that he was feeling anything but well. A hand came up to touch his chest and she could see that he was trying hard to breath evenly.
"Hun hold on. Donīt fight the tube," she whispered when he was tugging at the cord. "Itīs there to help you breath better." Her own voice was thick with emotions and she did her best to bite back the tears that were threatening to spill over. There was no need for Nick to see how devastated she felt, especially not when he was in critical condition. He made no move to let up his hand from the tube and she could see that he was struggling to pull it out.
"No..No Nick, I said leave that alone." Firmly she took his hand in an attempt to make him stop damaging himself and when she was going to let it rest on the bed she could feel him taking a firm hold. The motion was unexpected and her first instinct was to pull her hand away, but the grip was too strong.
It was like he was gripping onto something in a vain attempt to stay alive and her hand happened to be in the way. She tried to remain calm but the emotions were starting to dwell up inside her and now it was her turn to have a hard time breathing. Tears burned in her throat, choking her and she had to get out of the room or she would loose her calm surface. The reactions that she was trying to suppress could lead to something she wasn't ready to deal with and then it was better to escape than battle the feelings.
His blue eyes opened slowly in a struggling attempt to stay awake. The look she was giving him was one of pain and she pulled her hand away with a gasp. Quickly she wiped away some strained tears from her cheek before adding, "Iīm going to tell one of the nurses that you are awake." With that she stood up quickly. His eyes kept looking at her with a mixture of pain and relief and it was like they looked through the depths of her soul. This was getting too much for Jane and she walked briskly to the door, "Iīm getting someone." With that she swung the door opened and fled out of the room.
Escaping from the pain that was starting to overwhelm her. Making it too much for her to handle
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Waking up Nick found his throat feeling like a desert. It hurt to swallow so bad and there was a tickling sensation in his lungs that made him want to cough and gag. Once he was fully awake to comprehend that he was lying in his hospital room with tubes stuck into him from all kinds of directions he wished that someone would come in to the room and have mercy over him. Giving him something for the pain which was about to rip him apart. He wished for another dose of those strong drugs that were injected into his IV and that made his head feel all fuzzy and his body tingle with sensation.
He knew that they were pumping him full with morphine which was not a good sign but right now he could do anything to get away from the pain that held his body hostage.
A noise suddenly caught his attention. He wasnīt alone in the room. Someone was beside him, crying. Silently. He also recognized the smell of perfume when he felt another ripping sensation in his chest that had him gasping. Instinctively he tugged at the tube stuck in his throat, trying to pull it out in a vain attempt to be able to speak. Suddenly there was a soft comforting hand and he could hear his mother's soft voice talking to him.
He felt confused.
What was his mom doing in his room? Wasnīt she supposed to be in LA with Aaron? He had a vague memory that they had been fighting and she hadn't talked to him much lately. The conversation usually went through his dad who was the middle man. There were so many questions that he wanted to ask but the tube didn't allow him to speak. Instead he gripped her hand hard, not wanting to let her go since it felt so good that she was back with him again. Heīd missed her. When his mom tried to loosen his grip he held on even tighter, afraid that if he let her go he would loose her forever.
Tears were stained on her cheek and he could tell that she had been crying even if she would quickly wipe away the tears, afraid that he would see how vulnerable she felt. This made him want to reach out for her. To tell her how much he missed her and that he loved her. But instead she stood up, quickly and left the room before he had a chance to say something. His attempt to call back for her failed when all that could be heard was a moan and he had to steal himself from the start of a coughing fit. No words came across his lips and with despair he watched her disappear out of vision. Out of his life.
Another searing pain in his chest made him aware of how much he hurt and he fumbled with his hand for the button so he could call for some help. His mom had told him that she would go and look for a nurse but he didn't know if he could wait that long. Shifting restlessly in the bed he found himself getting restrained from all the tubes and lines connected to his body. Holding back a groan he tried to think of something else besides the pain that ripped through him.
There was a vague memory of a strange dream where heīd been walking through a tunnel searching for a light. The memory of him finding peace haunted him and for a moment he thought that maybe it hadn't been a dream. It felt like it was something heīd experienced but then how could that be possible since as far as he knew he had been on the surgery table and not walking in a tunnel. He didn't have enough time to think the thought through when a female voice cut in his mind.
"How are you doing Nickolas? Your mom said that you were starting to wake up." Checking his IV line the blonde nurse continued, "Are you in any pain? Discomfort?"
Upon hearing those words he had to bit back a sarcastic laugh. What? Was this nurse trying to be funny? Cause if she was she wasnīt doing a very good job at it. Since he was in no state answering he moaned loudly hoping that she would get the message and give him something. She must have been a mind reader or very good at reading his body language since she assured him that he would get some more of that good and heavy stuff that had filled his body earlier
He had to smile to himself since it felt so good when the drug shot through his veins and into his system, making him relax. Before his thoughts drifted off to a comforting bliss his mind was on his mom again. He wished that she had been there for him. holding his hand, instead of going away. Even though he cussed her mentally for leaving him he still knew that deep inside she cared for him. The tears had been proof of that. Deep inside he also knew that running away was her way in dealing with a lot of hard emotions and he couldnīt blame her. Heīd probably done the same if he was in her shoes. Denial was something that they had lived with all their life, otherwise they wouldnīt be able to make it in the hard entertainment industry.
His eyelids were getting heavy again and soon he found it difficult to stay awake. Darkness was starting to surrender him and he could feel himself relaxing and soon he was fast asleep. Pain free
