"Sweet Jesus," Brian whispered to himself as he sat on the tiled floor in Nick’s master bathroom. He had wanted some privacy and this was the best room to be alone. Nobody bothering him. "Dear Father please help me, help Nick get through this. I beg you please." His voice held a large portion of desperation as he prayed to the Lord to give them strength to get through this day. He had spent endless nights praying for Nick’s well being, even before the cancer, but when his friends health wasnīt getting any better he was feeling his faith faltering more and more. What was he doing something wrong? Why wasnīt God listening to his prayers?
"Please God make Nick well again. Please." Bowing his head down, Brian mumbled over and over again the words. He prayed that they would wake up from this nightmare, finding out that it was nothing but a very bad dream. He was fighting with his faith, having a hard time understanding why his friend had to suffer so much. “Oh Lord what do you want us to gain from this?" he whispered, feeling tears burn in his eyes.
He couldnīt see what good was coming out of Nick being sick. It was so unfair. Brian, if anyone, knew how much the young man had to put up with being in the public eye since he was 12 years old. He had a hard time growing up on the road, away from his parents and a normal teenage life. Nick was much too emotional, too nice to be in this profession and he had, with pain in his heart, watched Nick getting used by countless numbers of people that he had trusted. This had left the young man with a bad self confidence, even if he was one of the worlds most popular popstars.
He was becoming more and more withdrawn, turning to clubbing and drinking, having a new girl every night. This had Brian seriously worried. He saw the pattern of destruction and was each day more and more certain that Nick would end up like AJ if nothing would be done in a rehab program. During the Black and Blue tour they drifted away from each other, in fact it had already happened on the second leg of the Millenium Tour. Brian had done his best to try and talk to Nick but all he got back was the finger and an attitude. His friend was in no mood being told what to do.
This had left Brian on the option to lay low. Especially after the arrest since Nick didn’t want to talk to him at all. Until that day when his friend had told him that he was sick. Brian shuddered at the memory. It seemed so recent, but it was almost five months ago. Five months since he was told the terrible news.
And now their secret would be told to the whole world. There were nothing to hide anymore. He shivered violently, despite the warmth in the bathroom. This day had come too fast.
Closing his eyes Brian whispered, "Dear God please give us strength to get through this day. I beg you Father. Amen." In his mind he wanted the Lord to listen to him, wanted him to understand how much Nick meant to him. He couldnīt bare to loose him. They all needed Nick.
Smiling to himself he was reminded of all those days when Nick had been there for him, cheering him up when he felt homesick or low. He had always been there with a prank up his sleeve. Laughter. Everybody thought that it was him, Brian, who cheered up the situation, but the Kentuckian knew better. Nick was the one that glued the group together. He was the one that was there for them whenever they were feeling down or sad. Then he would sneak up with a warm hug. Like a big teddy bear.
Sighing deeply, he felt remorse. Where had they been when Nick had needed them? How many times had they been selfish, pre-occupied with their own lives and they had neglected those signs that had been there so evident, yet hidden. AJ had told him that Nick had spent his New Years Eve all alone and that hurt him so much.
Why was Nick being so lonley? Where were all of his friends?
Brian felt torn. One side of him wanted to be there for his little brother. The other side wanted, needed desperately to be there for Leighanne. After all there were just a couple of months before she would give birth to their first born.
He would be a father.
His heart ached from happiness when he thought about this upcoming event. It would no doubt be the best thing that had ever happened to him. If only Nick would be able to see his son. To hold him in his arms.
A tear trickled down his cheek. He let it fall. It felt good to cry. To let out those pent up feelings that were hiding in his heart. He had done his best to try to be stoic. Not let on how sad he felt that his friend had cancer. This was all for Nick’s sake. He had to act tough or else he was afraid that Nick would give it all up. Give up life.
More and more tears rolled down his cheek and soon he started to cry. Crying silently in his lonliness. It was like todays press conference was reminding him of how fragile life could be. How easily things could change. For the first time the last months events was starting to sink into his heart. It was all becoming a reality.
"Brian?" Kevin’s voice pierced through the door. "Bri are you ok?"
"Ye..yeah." he croaked, wiping off the tears with the back of his hand. There was no need for the others to see how upset he was. It wouldnīt do Nick any good. Not at all.
"You sure man?" The knocking was persistent. "Let me in." Concerned was etched in the older mans voice.
"Iīll be out in a minute," Brian called back, standing up. His limbs hurt from the uncomfortable position he had been in. Swiping his pants off he tried to make himself presentable. They were soon going to be on MTV, Carson would record from their Tampa studio since Nick was much too weak to go to New York and he was planned to do the biopsy first thing tomorrow morning.
"Brian let me in."
Kevin wasnīt fooled with Brian’s acting and he couldnīt help but smile to himself. Kevin was always there. Ready to pull them up from the self pity or being down on their selves. Kevin had been there when he had wanted to talk about his open heart surgery. He had been there when he had broke up with Samantha. Kevin had been there for both Nick and AJ through out the years and he was the one that got AJ into rehab. He had been there for Howie when the Latino had a hard time on the road. Being their designated big brother. Someone to lean onto when the winds got too rough.
When their lives were eating them up from inside.
"I told you I was fine, didnīt I?" Brian said hoarsly turning on the faucet, splashing his face with cold water. Apparently Kevin must have accepted his words since he heard someone calling from the another room and Kevin running away.
He sighed deeply as he wiped his face off. Doing his best to look presentable. There had been so many times when he had to go on to do a concert when he felt low or ill. Yet he always found energy and managed to go through the show without collapsing or breaking out into a cry. When he had been come back from the heart surgery there had been many times when he had been on the brim of passing out. After some shows he had even needed the oxygen tank and he did thank God that he was alive today. Without the many prayers that he had received he didn’t know what the outcome would be. And today he hoped that people would pray for his little brother too.
Another knock interrupted his thoughts. "Kev I told you that I would be out in a sec." He yelled back, annoyed.
"OPEN UP!" This time it was AJ that was yelling to him, banging the door like it was a matter of life or death. "Open the door!"
'So much for privacy,' Brian thought a bit irritated as he opened the door, "Jeeze canīt a man....." He stopped abruptly when he saw the fright in AJīs eyes.
"Itīs..itīs Nick," the younger man stuttered like he had seen a ghost.
"Nick? What is it with Nick?" Brian yelled, expecting the worst. When AJ just stood there, not saying anything more just stuttering, Brian got scared for real. "What is it AJ?" He grabbed his friends both arms, shaking him. "What is it?"
It all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity.
"Heīs..heīs ble..bleeding." The skinny man was so pale that Brian feared that he would pass out. It was almost like AJ was in trance.
Brian shook him harder. "Bleeding..where??? AJ???"
He didnt have time to get any response before Howie came running, "Quick I need a wet towel."
Without thinking, Brian grabbed a white towel hanging on the rack and then wet it, handing it to Howie who ran off again with the towel and a bunch of napkins in his hand. Both AJ and Brian followed in tow. Brian expecting to see his friend bleeding to death.
Once Brian entered Nick’s bedroom he was met with Kevin sitting and holding the young man, whispering soothering words while he was doing his best to cover Nick’s nose with a a handkerchief, colored red from blood. On the floor laid several soaked napkins.
Brian stopped dead in his tracks.
"Nickīs nose started bleeding," Howie explained as he handed the wet towel to Kevin. The older man went into doctors mood and guided Nick to try to lay down on his side. Then he pushed the towel on Nick’s nose.
"Shit what a blood bath," AJ whispered at the scene infront of them. Brian nodded, not knowing what to say. Dr. Andersen had told them that nosebleeds were a side effect from the treatment and Nick had several epsiodes, but none as bad as this one. And on a day like this.
Without thinking Brian prayed in his mind, "Dear Father, why are you doing this to me? To Nick? He doesn’t need anymore suffering. God why can’t you spare him? Why on a day like this when he needs all his strength?" In slow motion he heard Kevin shouting for more towels and this time it was AJ who reacted, like he had been shot from a cannon.
Brian stood there paralyzed, unable to do anything but watch.
It was like a warscene. Nick being wounded and his friends coming to his rescue. It wouldn’t be too far fetched since the blood that Nick had shred was alot and his bedspread was stained with blood spots.
Kevin kept murmuring something to Nick and for a moment this reminded Brian about when his friend was young and they were on tour. Kevin had many times been there for Nick, whispering soothing words. Encouraging him to manage. Telling him that everything would be just fine. Just like he did now.
"I canīt understand why it isnīt stopping," Howie said as he tried to wipe Nick clean from all the red substance he had shred. The blond was a total mess and Brian thought that if the fans would see him now they would pass out.
Nick looked more dead than alive.
"Maybe we should call a doctor," AJ suggested from his corner of the room.
Brian watched as Nick, too weak to say anything, shook his head vigorously as Kevin did his best to have him to sit still. He felt ashamed that he couldnīt do anything to comfort his friend, but suddenly it was all hitting too close to home. What a patient advocate he was!
"Yes Nick, maybe itīs the better." Howie said as he handed Kevin more napkins. He too was doing his best to comfort the young man. But Nick didnīt listen.
"No, No, I canīt." he objected. "I need to do that press conference."
"That can wait," Kevin said as he held Nick’s trembling frame. "We can do that another day. We have time."
That silenced Nick and what would take place next would be something Brian would remember for many years. "No Kevin," he said with a weak voice, face streaked with blood and tears. "No Kevin we donīt. I canīt afford to postphone this." He drew a shaky breath as he uttered, voice filled with tears, "Please..I donīt have that much time." He looked at them with eyes pleadingly, "Please..."
There were silence in the room as the four men took in what their little brother was saying, knowing all too well that it could be the truth. The awful truth.
