Nick held his breath as his frail hands took hold of the sides of the steel walker. Although his therapist was by his side, a hand holding onto the cloth belt that was wrapped around his waist, he still doubted his ability to get into a standing position from the wheelchair. He had failed so many times.

“Take your time,” Anna coached softly.

Sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth, Nick slowly rose out of the chair only to fall back before he could make it to a full standing position. “Shit....” he cursed quietly.

“Just take your time Nick.....think it out, you’re hurrying too much again this morning.”

Nick shook his head in dismay. Why would something so simple and automatic as standing up take too much concentration and effort?

Anna squated next to the wheelchair. “Nick, don’t beat yourself up over this, you’ve already done this so you know you can do it, you just have to take your time....”

Nick slapped his palms angrily on the armrests of the wheelchair. He opened his mouth to reply and then suddenly decided against it. Without telling the therapist of his intentions, he leaned forward and started to rise out of the wheelchair leaving Anna to spring up and quickly grab her patient’s waistband. “Geeze Nick, when you decide to do something you don’t waste any time do you?”

“Nope,” he huffed.

“When you’re ready, I want you to walk the parameter of the rehab area,” Anna directed.

”The entire area?” Nick groaned.

“Yes, you know the drill.”

Sweat dotted his face as Nick looked at the path in front of him. He had walked this floor several times already this week and although it was taking less time to manage, it still left him sapped of any strength by the time they were finished and it took every ounce of strength left in him to keep his head up before he made it back to his room.

“Can I do just five steps today?”

“Awww, how come you don’t want to do this?” Anna asked in a sympathetic voice.

“Cause I know I can and I kinda feel like it’s pointless. I mean I can walk and stuff and I can get out of a chair and sit down again, so why do I have to keep doing this?”

“Because Dr. Andersen won’t let you go home until you prove to her that you’re safely ambulatory, that’s why.”

“It’s not like I’m gonna be home by myself,” Nick protested, taking a shaky, shuffling move forward.

“True, but what about when you want to be by yourself?”

‘Like that will ever happen,’ Nick thought darkly.

As if Anna was reading Nick’s thoughts, she told him to stop and try to turn around.

Nick shuffled slowly with the walker, barely lifting his feet to walk. He thought about asking her why she decided to stop, but knew it would be better to accept the offer of being led back to the safe haven that the wheelchair provided.

After a few long moments of adjusting his body into a comfortable position in the wheel chair and before Nick could open his mouth to speak, Anna had briskly wheeled the chair over to a set of wooden stairs with a hand railing that led to nowhere.

”Stairs Anna?” Nick croaked.

“Yup, those are stairs Nick,” Anna replied lightly.

Nick’s mouth dropped open as he stared at the task that was placed before him. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”

“You have stairs in your house don’t you?”

“Yeah....sure I do, but I honestly don’t see the point in all of that...”

“Dr. Andersen’s orders Nick, remember, you can’t go home until she is certain you can take care of yourself,” Anna reminded him as she bent over to lock the wheels on the wheelchair.

“Ah there you are!”

Nick sighed a heavy sigh of relief when he heard Dr. Andersen’s familiar voice approaching him from behind.

“We’re just about to start working on the flight of stairs,” Anna announced as she lightly placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Right Nick?”

“Anna, you don’t need to be sending that poor man through all of that nonesense,” Dr. Andersen

Anna’s face flushed red with embarrassement when the older doctor dismissed her plans with Nick’s rehabilitative therapy.

“Nickolas, how do you feel today?”

“Um, good I guess,” Nick replied with a weak smile.

The older woman looked down at her patient; glasses perched on the end of her nose. “So how would you feel about being discharged by the end of this week?”

”Seriously?!”

“Well, I feel that we’ve done all that we can do for you for now and your good friend Mr. Richardson has made some arrangements for you....”

Nick groaned at the phrase.

“What’s with the....?” Dr. Andersen imitated Nick’s groaning.

“Awww, it’s nothing, you just mentioned Kevin making arrangements for me.”

“That’s a good thing,” Dr. Andersen reminded.

“You don’t really know how anal Kevin can be,” Nick corrected.

“Nonesense, you don’t realize what a good friend you have in him.”

Nick scratched his shoulder as he thought about what the doctor had just stated. “Yeah, I know I have good friends.”

“Well Mr. Richardson is working with the discharge planning nurse and will be getting things squared away at your house and I think that the attempts to learning how to ambulate the steps with your weakness is absolute rubbish since you will be staying on the main floor of your home.”

Nick looked at the doctor with a puzzled expression.

“He said something about setting up your study as a bedroom.”

“Peachy,” Nick mumbled as he envisioned his prized study room with the video games and his computer empty!.

“Don’t look so sad, I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Anna replied as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sure it’s not but you really don’t know Kevin,” Nick agreed quietly. “So why can’t I go home today?”

“Nickolas, we’ve been over this several times already, you do remember don’t you?”

“Yeah doc I remember, don’t worry the drugs haven’t totally fried my brain yet,” Nick snapped.

“You have to gain strength, prove to me you can eat solid foods and you have another round of chemo this afternoon.”

”Again?” Nick whined.

“Yes again.”

“But that stuff makes me look even more gross, like that’s even possible,” he protested.

“It’s the higher chemo Nickolas, I’m sorry but that is what happens when one gets prepped for the body to be ready for a bone marrow transplant,” the doctor explained. “You look...”

“Like shit,” Nick finished the sentence.

“I was going to say you look beautiful,” Dr. Andersen corrected.

Nick let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Only to you.”

Nick stared at the fluid that dripped into the clear tube from the IV bag. With each drop that fell, the only thoughts that popped into his head was that he was being filled with poison and it would only be a matter of hours before he would once again have his head hovering over the dreaded emesis basin gasping for air when the dry heaves would hit him once again.

As much as he hated what was happening with his life, Nick did as he had been told to do by Dr. Andersen and forced as much of the bland lunch down his throat as he could manage. After making it clear earlier to the doctor how much he hated Jello or anything that resembled Jello, lunch arrived disguised in the form of tasteless cream of chicken soup, a glass of grape juice, cup of hot tea and for dessert a small bowl of custard.

‘Alright, so at least it was better than an IV nutrition bag hanging from a pole, but I sure could sink my teeth into a hot slice of pizza followed by a tall glass of Coke,’ Nick thought wistfully, as he closed his eyes, desperate to find comfort in sleep.

“Nick will be happy to see you Brian, but I think he’s also going to be a little pissed too if you know what I mean,” Howie stated as he pressed the button on the elevator to the floor where Nick was on.

“Yeah but he’ll get over it,” Brian replied with a grin. “Gosh, it seems like forever since I last saw him, but I can’t stay away forever, I worry too much about him.”

“I know you do, but I guess I’m sorta surprised that you’d leave Leighanne.”

“She’s doing just fine as long as she sticks to the doctor’s orders. Besides, her mom is staying with her today and I thought it would be okay if I jumped on a charter with my friend Rick to Tampa and scoot back to Atlanta tonight. She needed some time alone with her mom anyway, they always get to jawin’ about female things and to be honest with you, I can’t sit and listen to that stuff,” Brian replied with grin and a wink.

Brian followed Howie off the elevator. Instead of taking the familiar path to the ICU room, Brian was surprised to see that they were going toward a different wing of the hospital.

“I thought Nick was still in ICU,” Brian whispered to Howie, wondering if the Latino was confused.

“He got a new room late this morning,” Howie replied cheerfully.

“So he’s getting better?”

“He’s in a new room, that’s all I know.”

“Well I can find ou---”

“Brian, just visit him okay, you don’t have to play the role of advocate all the time, just enjoy your visit,” Howie cut in.

“Geeze, a little edgy much?”

Stopping in the corridor, Howie turned to face his young band brother. “Kevin said that Nick is doing more chemo today, so I don’t know if he’s gonna be up to seeing us or not, do you think we should check with his nurse before we go in?”

Brian rolled his eyes. Howie was always the worry-wart of their group. “Nah, I’m sure if Nicky doesn’t want us in there he’ll tell us.”

Walking by the window that looked into Nick’s room, Brian stopped suddenly as he turned his body to face the window to look in on his best friend. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at Nick’s sleeping form in the hospital room.

“Oh my God,” he murmured. “Dear sweet Jesus.” Brian held a hand to his mouth as he looked at his friend sleeping in the bed. Howie quickly looked from Nick over toward Brian. “His face looks so bloated,” Brian whispered softly.

Howie nodded sympathetically. “I know, it’s the meds his doctor has him on right now.”

Brian closed his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to will the tears away. ”I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this,” he apologized in a hoarse whisper.

Howie placed a hand softly on Brian’s shoulder, patting it gently. “You don’t have to go in there just yet if you don’t want to.”

“Huh?”

“Nick’s sleeping, it’s not like he’d know we came by...”

“I didn’t come all the way down from Atlanta to look in at Nick through a glass window,” Brian interrupted in a harsh whisper.

Howie stepped back as if Brian’s words burned him. “No...no, I was only gonna suggest we go down and grab a cup of coffee, just to let you collect your thoughts.”

Brian sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, I’m just having a hard time dealing with what I’m looking at I guess.”

“It’s been almost a month that you’ve seen him, Nick’s been through a lot so I guess we don’t notice it as much as you would since we see him practically every day,” Howie rationalized.

Brian nodded. “Let’s go get some coffee. I can’t go in there to see him crying.” Looking through the window at Nick, the tears that Brian had been fighting off finally streamed down his cheeks, unchecked.

Howie patted Brian on the back, shaking Brian from his thoughts. “You gonna be okay man?”

His body quickly stiffened as if he became chilled. “Yeah.”

“Good, cause you’re buying,” the Latino said as he turned to walk away.

“Okay......hey!” Brian smiled as he caught up to Howie next to the bank of elevators. That was always so typical of D, trying to lighten up a bad situation. Grinning, Brian looked at his Backstreet brother through teary eyes. “Thanks D.”

Howie looked puzzled as they stepped onto the elevator. “For?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Just thanks.”