His head felt so heavy and his eyes were so sleepy. The medication that was being pumped into his blood stream was making him all loopy and he´d fallen asleep while taking another dose of the chemotherapy. Even if this medication was strong and made him more exhausted that he´d ever been in his life, counting ALL of the shows in the past, it was still a good drug. Mainly because it took away the pain as well as served to lessen the nausea that was otherwise way too severe for him to handle.

Someone was talking beside him, but he couldn´t make out their voices since his mind was too fuzzy and all he wanted to do was to sink further into oblivion. The noise from the IV pump was the only thing he could recognize and strangely it felt a bit comforting. Maybe it was because he was used to the sound by now. At first everything that had to do with chemo was scary, but now he was so used to it that he didn't even react when they told him that it was time for his next session. Throwing up had always been one of the worst things he ever did, but these days it was like any other habit. It was uncomfortable but nothing that he had control over and when he stopped fighting the sickness it had in some peculiar way lessened too. The shrink that he talked to told him that he had stopped fighting the treatment and then he had also surrendered his body, lost the control, and in the process his tension had lightened up. At first he´d thought it was just psychology crap but now he started to wondered if that shrink actually knew what he was talking about.

Slowly everything was becoming much clearer and there was a distinct sound of two people talking. Fighting the sleepiness he did his best to open his eyes and once he did he looked into a pair of blue eyes, that he´d seen many times before. The voice accompany them gave no doubt to who it was.

Brian Littrell!!!

"Brian?" Nick stared in surprise at his friend who smiled friendly at him. He felt so disoriented that for a moment he wasn´t sure if he was dreaming or not. Wasn´t Brian at home?

"Hey Dink. So you decided to wake up now? Still as sleepy as always." His long time friend grinned at him with a toothy white smile. "Nothing has changed since back in the days when we were touring."

"What are you doing here Jackass?" He grinned back.

"Getting insulted by you." Brian pretended to be hurt and sulked a few seconds before adding, "What does it look like dork? Visiting you of course."

"Why aren't you at home?" Nick had a hard time gripping the situation. His head felt so fuzzy. A disturbing thought popped up in his head. "Something happend with Leighanne? The baby?"

"No..No..She..I mean they are fine." Brian shook his head as to state that he was telling the truth. "Lee is doing great. As a matter of fact she is big and round, looking like a hippo."

"A hippo?" Nick giggled. "Really?" It felt so good to be back with Brian again. Laughing and joking. Just like they did in the old times.

"Yup." Brian nodded before holding a finger to his mouth in a hushed expression. "Shhh..but don´t tell anyone, especially her, that I told you so."

"Tell what?" Howie came into the room. Spotting that Nick was awake he smiled towards his friend. "Hi Nicky, glad to see you up and about." Gesturing towards the cell in his hand he continued, "Sorry just had to take a phone call. Business you know."

Nick laughed. This was so much like his friend. Doing business even if he was on a sick visit. "Sure." Gesturing towards a free chair he said, "We we´re just discussing how much Leighanne looks like a freaking hippo."

"Huh?" Howie looked confused. Then he smiled. "She does?"

"Yeah, at least Rok thinks so."

Turning towards his now embarressed friend who was soon becoming a dad Howie said with a calm but firm voice. "I don´t know but I don´t think that your wife would be too happy to hear such a thing."

"Probably not." Brian looked like he regretted his words. "I know that I should be greatful for it all, you know, but everything she does these days is crying and worry about stuff." With a sigh he mumbled, "that and eating chocolate and watching soaps and laying there, complaining and feeling sorry for herself." He groaned. "This is not the wife I married and if she is turning into this pregnant bundle of emotional hormones I don´t know how she will be when the baby is born."

Nick listened. Yet he had a hard time taking in the words. Sometimes they seemed a bit slurred and his head hurt more and more. Must be the chemo that was dripping through his veins.

"Are you alright?" Howie placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Yeah..yeah." Brian looked up briefly, but he looked everything but alright. "It´s just that..just that I don´t know if I´m ready for all this."

"Ready for what?"

"You know.." Brian looked at Howie, worry in his eyes. "The baby and all."

"Oh that!" The latino smiled. "You´re just nervous."

The Kentuckian shrugged. "Maybe you´re right." He twiddled his hands. "In anyway I´m not sure that I´m doing the right thing."

"Doing what?" Nick was doing his best to follow the conversation but it was starting to get too much. Maybe it was the fact that he was getting tired and his head felt like one gigantic mushroom or it was because the nausous feeling had started to make itself known and he didn´t know how long he would last until he would need the guys help with a basin. Or it was the fact that everything was so confusing, Brian being there and all. Whatever it was it was making him confused as hell. His brothers were once again talking about stuff that he had paid little or no attention to earlier and which he had no idea to cope with either. Stuff like marriages, children, family had never been high on his list.

"Don´t worry Brian." Howie hugged his friend's shoulder. "You´re just going through what every young man becoming a dad will do in a situation like yours. It´s called cold feet.

"Cold feet?" What kind of jibberish was Howie talking?

Brian didn´t act the same as Nick. "Yeah? And how do you know? I mean you have never been in a position like I am right now." He looked doubtfull.

"Real life and a big family." No further explanation was needed.

"OK." Brian ran a hand across his face in a tired gesture. "I know that I should be happy, but no matter how I try I can´t be." He sighed. "There are too many problems on my mind. I worry about if the birth will go allright and if Leighanne will be fine and.."

Howie interrupted him, "That´s just natural."

Brian held up a hand. "No wait." He draw back his breath before continuing, "I worry about if the baby will be fine and then how it will be to be a dad and then I worry if Nick will li.." He stopped himself, looking a bit uncomfortable.

There were silence in the room. A silence so heavy that you could hear a pin drop.

Nick was taking it all in and then said slowly. "You don´t think that I will live do you?" There were anger in his eyes. "Is this the reason why you come and see me? In case I will die before you get a chance to say good bye to me?"

"No..No!" Brian looked a bit chooked. "What makes you say that?" He shook his head several times. "It´s not that...It´s..Its.." He had a hard time finding the words.

"Then what is it?" Nick snapped, suddenly changing his mood drastically. "I thought that you came to visit me, not just making sure that I was alive or not." He looked hard at Brian. "But I´ll guess I was wrong. That I was misstaken on you, Brian Littrell."

Shocked over the sudden change of his friends personality Brian stuttered. "I was..I mean I am.." Now words came to his mind since this change had him both concerned and scared. His joking friend was suddenly transformed, almost to somebody else.

"If this is the kind of friend you wanna be..then..then." Nicks voice shuddered. "I have just one thing to say to you. GO!!! The words were harsh and unexpected.

Surprised over the sudden outburst both men tried to get their friend into other thoughts by talking calmly to him. "Nick calm down." Howie, the peacemaker was at it again, placing a comforting hand on his friends thin shoulder. "Brian didn´t mean it like that."

Nick looked up, shrugging his friends hand away. "Don´t" he warned. "Besides how can you tell what Brian means?" He looked at the older man. "You´re not him are you?"

Confused over these strange questions Howie tried to find another soloution. But failed. "Nick I.."

Too late.

"I said go!" he said coldly before adding, "I don´t want your pity. All I am is trouble for you anyway!"

"It´s not pity." Howie tried to do his best make his friend less tense. "And it certainly ain´t trouble. Nick we care for you and we wanna help you and.." He was cut off by a furious Nick.

"I said GET OUT!!! Both of YOU!!!"

"Calm down." Howie hadn´t given up hope.

"I am calm." Nick bit his teeth together. "It´s you that can´t follow orders."

Nick felt so confused. It was like he was talking but still he wasn´t. His brain felt like mush and there were thousands of strange thoughts popping up in his mind. Making it hard to think, making him feel wierd and annoyed. Irritated over everybody in the world and especially his two friends that he thought he was nothing but a nuissance. One big problem!

"I didn´t mean to.." Brian stared but was once again rudely cut off.

"What part of get out didn´t you get?" He glared at them, hostile shining in his eyes. "Let me re-phrase this. I want you two to GET OUT!!!! NOW!!! Or I will call for someone!"

"Nick don´t.."

"Leave..leave now. I´m tired" The tone was suddenly tired. Deafeated.

Howie felt he had to do what he could to stop this strange fight. "You can´t do this. Brian have come a long way to see you and.." he stopped as he saw Nick was starting to get up from his bed. "What are you doing?"

"Getting up!" He looked at them. "If neither of you are going then at least I have to leave the room." Placing his bare feet on the floor he stood up to stand when he felt the whole world come crashing against him. There were a low buzz in his ears and the world around him made a double spin and he felt his legs go weak. The edges around his vision blurred and before he knew what hit him he felt everything go black on him.

"Oh shit!" Brian as well as Howie rushed for his aid when they saw Nicks legs suddenly gave away under him and he was heading towards the floor. Quickly they manage to grab him by placing an arm under each of his armpits and with a motion they hosted him back on the bed. He was heavy but not as heavy as he´d been before. Nick had lost lots of weight which they could actually be happy for in a situation like this beacuse otherwise he would have dropped straight to the floor. Maybe hurting himself in the process.

"I´m calling a nurse." Howie stated, when they were safe with Nick on the bed. Pressing the call button he waited a few seconds for someone to call and then got nervous. "I´m getting someone." With that he was out of the room.

Brian was too busy to take notice since he was doing his best to retrive his friend from the fainting spell. "Come on Nick..come on." He slapped his friends face several times. "Wake up now."

> Nick stirred a few times before opening his baby blues. "What you´re doing here?" He wanted to know.

"God yo´re awake." was Brians first words in relief before adding, " What do you mean what I´m doing here? Don´t you remember? That I´m here to visit you."

Nick wasn´t making much sense. But then was he ever?

"Uh..I don´t know." Nick held a hand to his forehead and the gesture immediatly trigged his friends concern.

"Are you allright? Are you awake" There were worry in Brians face as his friend was spacing out again.

"Yeah..yeah..how can I be not, especially the way you´re slapping me in my face." Gone was the annoyed glitz in his friends eyes and instead a smile was toying at his lips. "I thought you were trying to give me a black eye."

Confused Brian looked at him. "So you´re not upset with me anymore? Wanting me to go?"

"NO!" Nick looked shocked. "Did I say that? He rubbed his forehead. "Should I be mad?"

"Eh..uh..I don´t know..you tell me?" Was this the same Nick as he had a fight with minutes ago? Was it true that he had no memory of meeting Brian before? Or was Nick pulling his leg again?"

In that moment Howie appeared in the door, a nurse in toe. "What happend?" she asked walking straight to her patient, making sure that everything was allright. She felt his forehead, looked into his eyes and then checked the IV before turning towards the men again. "Tell me what happend."

"I´ll guess I passed out." Nick mumbled, looking a bit embarressed.

"Yes your friend told me this, but he also said that there were a situation before too." She turned towards Brian, "Can you fill me in some information?"

Nodding Brian continue. "I don´t know really know where to start.."he coughed, "All I know was that we were talking and laughing when Nick suddenly got angry at me, at us..." He thought for a second, "and then he started to yell at us, wanting us to get out.."

"I did not!" Nick looked hurt.

Brian went silent and Howie choosed to continue, "We tried to calm Nicky down but he was getting more and more upset." He looked at his sick friend in bed that looked close to his tears. Swallowing hard the latino continue, "Suddenly he made a move to get up from his bed and then he blackened oit and we ran to get help and.."

Brian cut him off, "And when Nick woke up he didn´t even know that I had come to visit him.Or that he was mad at us!"

"I was never mad," Nick mumbled slowly. "I dont even remember that they came here." Holding his hand towards his head he groaned, "What is this? Am I becoming crazy on top of all this?"

"No..No." The nurse said with a calming smile. "This is a side effect of the new nausea medication that you´ve been giving."

"Great." Nick muttered. "I found a med that can help me and now I dont know if I´m dreaming or not." He groaned. "What a nightmare."

His friends as well as the nurse felt sorry for him. "The medication can make you a bit disoriented and there can be halucination too." Turning towards Howie and Brian she explained. "Sometimes the haluciation can be so real that it´s hard to tell the difference!"

"Halucinating?"

"Yes and that is probably why he fainted too."

"Oh!" Both Brian and Howie looked a bit relieved. So relieved that Nick was starting to wonder what he´d done in one of his spells. He felt like a complete jerk.

Here one of his best friends in the world, that he cared about so much was coming all the way from Atlanta to see him and he was acting like a jerk to him. Shouting for him to go back. Not that he had any idea what he´d been doing and even if they probably thought it didn´t matter it still did. They were his friends, his brothers and they were the only thing that kept him going. The only ones tghat kept him fighting for his life...and he needed them more now than ever before.