AJ sat in the drivers seat, staring out the rain spattered windshield at the dark, brick building. He pulled another cigarette out from the pack he had thrown onto the dashboard, flipping his Zippo lighter open with a flick of his thumb and forefinger.

He inhaled deeply, feeling the smoky nicotine fill his lungs. As AJ sat for a few moments inside Nick’s Durango, he debated on going into the sports bar. The emotional pain he was feeling had become too much to handle. AJ knew that he had limited his intake of beer to one per day but he and liquor were good friends and being in a bar by himself may prove too tempting to keep himself out of trouble.

“Judas McLean,” AJ berated himself as he blew the smoke out between his teeth. “Just one drop of whiskey won’t kill you......just stop at the one and you’ll be okay.”

Instead of exiting the vehicle, AJ rested his forehead on the steering wheel, closing his eyes. His thoughts started drifting and suddenly he saw images of Nick flashing in his mind.

A young and healthy Nick Carter, barely sixteen.

”You know Kevin will kill us when he finds out you let me smoke.”

“Jesus Kaos, quit being such a pansy. Kevin ain’t gonna find out cause no one is gonna tell him....besides, why should you care, he don’t own you....now when you finish off that cigarette I think I’ll introduce you to my little friend maryjane...

AJ stiffened in his seat as chills ran down his spine after recalling that event. Nick had always looked up to him - or so he thought - and the things he had done with the kid sometimes were either immoral or illegal or both. He and Nick had snuck into strip bars too many times to count; shared beers far too often on their downtimes after shows and yes, he had even taught Nick how to smoke cigars, cigarettes and pot at the tender young age of sixteen.

As he rubbed a hand over his face in a tired gesture, a thought lept into AJ’s brain.

He had taught Nick how to smoke!

”Shit I caused the cancer,” he muttered as tears sprung into his eyes.

Wiping his eyes, AJ tugged at the drivers door, not paying attention to the car that was pulling into the parking space beside the Durango; until he had to take a quick step back against the vehicle to prevent being run over.

”Watch what the hell you’re doing,asshole!” AJ yelled as he smacked the hood of the offending car. Not waiting for a response, he turned and trudged toward the entrance.

“Jay! What are you doing here?”

AJ froze in his steps; shoulders sagging. Screwing his eyes shut, he sighed heavily.

The owner of the voice approached the rebel singer, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Why are you here?”

AJ dipped his shoulder, shrugging the hand away. “Because I needed to get away from Kevin,” he rasped.

Brian threw Howie a worried glance as he approached. “But a bar Jay? And why on God’s green Earth do you feel that you need to get away from Kevin? What did he do now?”

AJ started walking toward the entrance, replying, “Because Train is doing what Train always does and I needed a change of scenery.”

Brian couldn’t be shook off as quickly as AJ was hoping. The persistant Kentuckian quickly stepped between the tattooed singer and the door, his eyes widened when he took a look at his band brother. “You’re crying? Did something happen to Ni---”

AJ quickly wiped the unchecked tears from his cheeks, stepping around Brian and jerked the door open to the sports bar. He took the first available stool at the bar and slumped his body onto the padded seat.

“Please tell me what is going on,” Howie pled as he took the empty seat to the right side of AJ; Brian the one on the left.

“Jack and Coke and a pack of Marlboro reds,” AJ called out to the bartender as the burly man passed him.

”Jack and Coke?” Brian echoed AJ’s order. “Something’s really got you bothered......c’mon you gotta talk about it.”

The bartender returned placing the short glass ontop of a paper napkin that was printed with cheesy sports bar pictures. “Seventeen fifty.”

AJ leaned over to his left side, grabbing his wallet out of his back jeans pocket. As he handed the bartender one of his credit cards he said, “Run a tab.”

“A tab? Seriously Jay, you need to talk to us about what’s going on,” Howie grumbled as he watched the bartender hang the credit card on a clip above the cash register.

Ignoring Howie’s request, AJ expertly beat the new pack of Marlboros onto the ball of his open palm.

“Ah, Jay, did you hear D?” Brian questioned as he watched AJ draw a cigarette out of the fresh pack and place it to his lips.

“Yup.”

“And?”

AJ took a generous swallow from the glass. “There’s nothing to talk about,” he muttered.

Brian placed a hand on AJ’s forearm. AJ instantly drew his arm away. “This ain’t no freakin’ gay bar!” he hissed, glaring at the older man.

“Somethings wrong and we want to help Jay,” Howie demanded softly.

“Please.....if you tell us whats bothering you we’ll leave you alone,” Brian promised, ignoring the quick eyes widened glance from Howie.

AJ sighed heavily, pulling the unlit cigarette from his mouth. “I’ll talk, but not here......”

Nick sighed as he impatiently flipped through the channels on the television set. Boredom was a constant companion in his life lately and he had grown tired of anything that the tv offered.

‘Why the hell did I send them away?’ Nick thought dismally as he laid his call button back next to his pillow. He puffed his cheeks out as he stared at the IV pole that was situated next to the bed.

“I am so freakin sick of IV’s!” he said as he glared at the clear bag that hung at the top of the pole.

Turning his head away from the IV pole, he closed his eyes for a moment until he heard the sound of someone entering his room.

“Hello sunshine, how are you feeling today?”

Nick’s heart lept in his chest and he stared at the woman, mouth agape. His favorite nurse was standing in front of him, dressed in cartoon patterned scrubs. “Cyndi! Where the hell have you been?”

The nurse smiled at her patient. “I took a two week vacation and went to the Bahamas, I thought I told you....didn’t I?”

”Nooooooo.......” he paused for a moment and then lightly slapped the palm of his hand on his forehead. “But then again my mind has been like swiss cheese lately so you probably told me but I forgot.”

“Aww I saw that in your chart, getting the side effects from the nausea meds I see.”

“Yippee....”

Cyndi moved over to the sink on the other side of the room, scrubbing her hands and then snapping a pair of purple latex sensitive gloves on. She scooped up a bag and IV tubing and approached Nick’s bed.

Nick stared at the items she laid on the bed stand with suspicious eyes. “What’s that for?”

“Dr. Andersen ordered this,” Cyndi explained as she hung the thick bag on the IV pole.

“That better not be what I think it is.”

“Dr. Andersen ordered this for you and you are to continue doing this when you get discharged home.”

”Wait a minute! I thought I was done with that shit!”

“What shit?”

“Is it that bullshit nutrition stuff? She told me if I ate what I was given and proved I could eat and keep it down she wasn’t gonna make me do that stuff anymore!” Nick protested with pleading eyes.

“The lab report that Dr. Andersen got back from the past 48 hours were really crappy Nick.”

“But that doesn’t tell me why she would make me do that shit again,” he muttered, folding his arms across his chest.

“Your labs indicated that your body isn’t getting enough nutrients.”

Nick looked down at his body and stared up at the nurse with a sarcastic expression etched on his face. “Do I look like I’m not getting enough here?”

Cyndi shook her head. “You know you’re not fat.”

“Well I sure as hell look it now, don’t I?”

“Nick you know that it’s edema, quit clowning around,” Cyndi replied as she playfully swatted her patient on his shoulder. “Do you want me to lift your gown to get to that port or are you doing to do it for me?”

“Can I refuse to get this stuff?”

Cyndi took a step back; eyes boring into Nick’s eyes. “You know you can.”

“Then I’m refusing!”

“Then what you’re telling me is that you’re being a stubborn male and you don’t want to try and get better? Did you hear me when I said your labs were looking pretty crappy and she wants to have you on this to build up your stamina?”

“I think it’s totally pointless.....”

“How about I call your patient advocate and see what he has to say about this.”

“Fine! Go ahead and call the entire state of Florida for all I care!”

“Hun, you don’t see what this is doing to you? You are becoming totally irrational......”

Nick folded his arms across his chest, jutting his jaw out, pouting like a small child. ”I am not being irrational!”

“Are too!”

”Am not!”

“Yes you are!”

”NO am not!”

Exasperated, Cyndi snapped the gloves off and threw them in the trash can. “I can’t deal with you being like this anylonger. Take a nap Nick, it might work wonders for you. I’ll come back in a little while to check on you.”

“And I’ll look forward to it,” Nick spat.

A few moments later, Nick heard a set of solid, familiar footsteps.

“Well, well Nickolas, Cyndi tells me you are being quite the child this afternoon,” Dr. Andersen stated as she breezed into the room.

Nick pointed a defiant finger at Cyndi as she entered the room behind the doctor. “She’s the one that’s being a child, not me!”

Dr. Andersen smiled slightly at her patient’s antics. “So why wouldn’t you co-operate when Cyndi wanted to set up your nutritional IV?”

“Because you promised me that I wouldn’t have to do those stupid things again!”

“Nickolas, I didn’t promise anything like that. In fact, as a rule being an oncologist, I have never promised anything to any of my patients. Cancer is a very unpredictible disease and it would be foolish to promise my patients anything I couldn’t possible predict or deliver.”

“You promised no more of those stupid bags....I heard you say that!”

“Why are you fighting this so much?”

Nick smoothed the wrinkles from his blanket. “Because it’s retarded that you want me to do this crap when I’m eating.”

Dr. Andersen sat on the edge of the bed. “Why is it retarded?”

Nick sighed in an over-exaggerated tone. “Cause I’m eating and it don’t make sense to me to make me do that.”

“I agree, you are eating, however---”

“Do you want me to get fat?”

Dr. Andersen shook her head. “No I wouldn’t want you to get fat and there is no possible way for that to happen to you.....”

“Well how do I look to you right now!?”

“Nick we went over this earlier,” Cyndi interrupted.

“Nickolas, you are not making sense to anyone with what you’re thinking,” Dr. Andersen said calmly. “This is the reason you need to do these nutritional feedings.”

Nick cocked his head to one side. “You want me to do these because I don’t make sense?”

“Exactly!”

“Now you’re the one that’s not making any sense.”

“Nickolas, you’re blood work is way off the charts and it is showing to me that your body is not getting enough nutrients and it is effecting things one by one and your temper is one of them if you haven’t noticed yet.”

Nick crossed his legs and uncrossed them under the blanket and then jerked his arms across his chest again. “My temper is fine.”

“And then there is the issue of you getting forgetful.”

“I’m not forgetting things, today is Monday.”

“Um actually it’s Wednesday, but that’s beside the point,” Cyndi volunteered.

“Monday - Wednesday no big shit.”

“Then you are getting irrational and it’s from the malnurishment.”

“Do I look malnourished to you?”

“Nickolas, this isn’t something that is visible to you or I, it is in your labwork and your mental status, besides a host of other things....”

Picking up the television controller, Nick switched on the tv.

Dr. Andersen pulled the device from her patient’s hand. “You need to pay attention to what I am saying to you. This is a very serious conversation I am trying to have with you!”

“I am done having conversations about stupid shit,” Nick growled as he tried to get the device back from the doctor.

“I can place a call to Mr. Littrell,” the doctor warned.

“You know what he’s gonna say so why bother?”

“No I don’t know what he’s going to tell me so why don’t you tell me.”

“He’s gonna say that I have to do the J-tube feedings even though I know it’s a waste of time and money.”

“Why would you say it would be a waste of time and money?”

“Because I am not going to get any better.”

“With that attitude, I would agree with you. Nickolas, like it or not, you have to understand one thing.”

Nick gave an impatient look at the doctor.

“If you don’t do these nutritional feedings you will lose your strength and what little health you have maintained up to this point and I will not be able to do the bone marrow transplantation to try and save your life.”

The words that Dr. Andersen spoke finally caught Nick’s attention and he locked eyes with the doctors.

“You will die.”

Tears instantly pooled into the ocean blue eyes. “I-I don’t wanna die,” he whispered.

“I know you don’t sweetheart, this is why I want you to do these nutrient boosters. It’s only going to be for a week and you can do them while you are at home, one of them will be done at night while you sleep so it won’t be any inconvenience for you.”

Nick wiped the tears from his cheeks. “How many are you talking about me doing?”

“Twice during the day the bigger one during the night while you sleep. It’s the only way to do this since you detest drinking the Ensure supplement.”

Nick’s eyes brightened. “What if I drink the Ensure?”

“If you drink the Ensure at breakfast, lunch and dinner then you would only have to do the larger night time J-tube feeding.”

Nick screwed his face up at the thought of drinking the Ensure three times a day. “I guess I could handle that, I just really hate the J-tube ya know.”

“Well if you can do the Ensure, I’ll set the orders up for one J-tube feeding at night, how does that sound?”

Nick managed a slight smile. “I guess it sounds better than nothing.”

“Good then I will write the orders as such and I will be instructing Mr. Richardson on this for your discharge by this weekend.”

“Did you say this weekend?”

“Nickolas, don’t get your hopes up here, you can be discharged to home if your lab tests are better by Friday and that may only happen if you do everything I order for you to do. Do you think you can try?”

If it were possible, it looked like Nick Carter was actually beaming. “Yes ma’am.”

Brian and Howie sat quietly as AJ played with his lighter on the table. After a few minutes of watching the shiny steel object spin clockwise and then counter-clockwise, Brian reached out and laid his hand over the top of the lighter and AJ’s hand.

“Okay AJ, me and Howie are worried about you, talk to us, please.”

AJ sighed and then swallowed trying to work up the courage to talk without hopefully losing his composure. After a moment, he reached for a cigarette - his only known security blanket - and quickly lit it before the other two could object.

“Um, it’s kinda hard to explain this,” the tattooed rebel began, avoiding eye contact. “Um, well, ya know how we all felt when Kaos told us all about this cancer shit......I guess I thought I had a handle on it but now I’m not so sure about it anymore.”

AJ paused, shifting his body in the booth, slumping down further in his seat as he stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles.

“It floored me,” Brian agreed.

“I think none of us could ever see that coming,” Howie added.

Rubbing his nose as he nodded, AJ sighed. “I guess I sorta feel responsible for what has happened with the kid.”

“Why?” Howie coached.

Tears started welling up into AJ’s dark brown eyes.

“You can’t be responsible for this AJ,” Brian replied, placing a gentle hand on his brother’s forearm.

AJ placed his hand ontop of Brian’s shaking his head and letting the tears slip unchecked down his cheeks.

“Cancer happens AJ...it wasn’t anything that anyone saw coming with Nicky,” Howie softly stated.

AJ shook his head. “I saw it.....hell I caused it.”

“Okay Bone, now you’re talking stupid,” Brian said as he gripped AJ’s forearm tighter.

Picking up the Jack and Coke drink with his free hand, AJ took a swallow from the glass. “Remember those times in the early days when Nicky was about sixteen and me and Nicky had to bunk together when you guys went out to the clubs and we had to stay in cause we weren’t cool enough to hang with you? Well I taught Nicky a lot of things that year......how to drink....how to swear and how to smoke.....”

Howie stared at AJ with a blank expression on his face. “Yeah so?”

“D.....don’t you get it!? I taught Nicky how to smoke! Because of my brilliant ideas, he’s freakin’ dying!”

“Whoa.....whoa....whoa....you did not say you caused Nick to get cancer did you?” Brian asked, his face ashen.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Brian Littrell shook his head in disbelief. “Okay now that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard coming from your mouth AJ........Doctors aren’t sure what exactly causes cancer but I think it mainly has something to do with environmental factors and genetics not who taught Nick how to smoke......”

“Yeah but Kevin’s dad smoked...”

“Uncle Jerald didn’t smoke......AJ you’re trying to blame yourself for something that happened, there is no possible way that you caused Nick to get cancer, you gotta understand me.”

AJ only stared past Brian and Howie, his mind lost in his own thoughts.

“Bone, you gotta believe me when I say you didn’t cause this......stop with the self pity party, Nick would be the first to slap the crap out of you if he knew you were blaming yourself for this!” Howie offered.

“You know, we had such busy and hectic schedules and if you remember, Nicky was always sick from the very beginning and he never seemed to get one hundred percent better each time and that was well before you even introduced smoking to the kid,” Brian pointed out.

“I guess you have a valid point there.”

“So my theory about genetics pans out, right?”

“I guess it would.”

“Jay, you need to be optimistic about this for Nick, stop beating yourself up over something you have no control over. You can’t blame yourself for something you didn’t do. Do you understand me?” Brian asked.

AJ nodded.

“How about we go back to Nick’s house?” Howie suggested.

“I don’t want to go back to see Kevin, he’s getting on my nerves,” AJ growled.

“Okay, then where do you want to go?”

The tattooed rebel squashed his cigarette into the steel ashtray. “Let’s go see Kaos.”