Nick had taken up on AJ’s request of him sleeping and he’d been dosing on and off all evening. He’d fallen asleep while talking to AJ and when he’d woke up his friend was gone. When he tried to ask one of the nurses that came in regularly to check him where AJ had gone, he found that he was too tired to even open his eyes and therefore decided that sleep was what he needed and soon he was off to dreamland again.

Sleeping had always been one of his favorite hobbies. It was something he didn’t have the luxury to do so much in the past, being on the road and all. There was often early wake up calls, and sometimes he only got a few hours of shut eye in a night. The only time when he got the time to catch up on his sleep deprivation was when he was on a break or when he was in a plane or a bus, but even then he was usually too worked up or overtired to be able to relax.

Now days it was like he was trying to catch up on the sleep he lacked in his past. It sucked feeling like he was going to faint every time he sat up straight in bed and standing up anytime now proved to be a real hassle. His last trip back home had proved to be nothing but a failure and he didn’t like the way he had to be so dependent upon the other guys. They had their own lives to live and even though they had assured him time after time that they would be there for him, he still knew that they needed to move on. He wanted them to do that.

This last visit home had ended so abruptly and it scared him more than he wanted to admit. What if it had been the last time he ever set his foot in his house? What if all the fighting with this cancer had been for nothing and now he was coming to an end. What if this was the final chapter of his life?

He hoped that it wasn’t like that, but he wasn’t so sure any more. The look in his friends eyes had told him that he was in a serious condition and the way the hospital staff buzzed around him like bees to honey, told him that thing’s were not going too great either. They kept coming into his room, taking all kinds of tests and then leaving again. It was freaking annoying, that was what it was, Nick decided, but on the other hand he guessed he didn’t have much of a choice and therefore did his best to endure the painful procedures.

He’d spoken to Doctor Andersen and she’d come clean and told him that the procedure when they were going to use his own bone marrow wouldn’t be sufficient and therefore they didn’t want to do it in the condition he was in now. The words struck like he’d been jabbed in his stomach with a knife. So this was how the story was going to end? The doctor had spoken to him about possible bone marrow transplantation from a match but upon hearing this he had rejected it. One of his siblings could be the donor but the chance of his survival was so slim right now and Nick didn’t want to put someone he loved through that procedure since it could mean a risk and there was no good guaranteed outcome.

Shivering, Nick pulled the blanket up toward his neck. Chills wracked his body and he decided that it was as cold in the room as if he’d been living in the North Pole. It was no doubt from the high temperature that the nurse told him he was running. Wanting to shrug the pain away Nick wanted to pretend that this was nothing and that he didn’t have cancer and that it was just a bad case of a cold, but he couldn’t. It was time to face the truth. That he was dying.

This was the reason why he wanted to talk to Aaron. He missed the kid so bad and he wanted to tell him how much he loved him. Even though he loved all his family and missed them despite the feuds that had been going on lately, it was as if Aaron always was the closest to him. Nick guessed that it was because Aaron was more like him than he’d thought at first and he knew that his little brother could just as easily head down the rocky path of destruction, just like he’d done before he got his verdict that changed his life. The cancer.

The mere thought of never being able to hug his little brother again sent tears to his eyes and he did his best to blink them away. Nick had never had a hard time crying, but he didn’t like doing it in public. The only people he let see his true feelings were his “brothers” and in some way even his family, and those rare occasions when he’d showed it to the public only when it had all been too much for him to take. It had been when he was so exhausted that he was on the verge of passing out, or when something had happened that really tore his life up; just like the arrest earlier on in the year.

Thinking back Nick couldn’t believe that he’d been sick for almost a year. AJ had told him that Brian had called and said that it wouldn’t be long now until the first Backstreet baby would be born. This was awesome news and Nick hoped, prayed that he would still be around so that he could hold the little baby in his arms when the time came. He couldn’t believe that his best friend was about to start a family and even though things had changed between them he always knew that Brian was the one that understood him the best. He was his guardian angel, the one he could talk to when things got too rough in his life.

Nick sighed.

His head ached even worse than before and he felt nauseous. The drugs he’d been given had done little to take the edge of the pain he was feeling and he felt like he’d been hit by a Mack truck. Rolling to his side Nick tried to find a comfortable position only to notice that the blood pressure cuff he had attached to his arm made it hard to move and with another deep sigh he rolled over on his back again. This sucked so badly and he had to constantly fight the tears that were threatening to spill over.

Feeling miserable he bit back a sob and did a futile attempt to hold back his tears when he gave up and instead let the salty tears flow freely down his cheeks. Moving his hand slowly, to his face he found that it came away wet and it felt actually good to at last surrender to the mental anguish inside of him.

It was cleansing to cry.

Nick had no idea how long he’d been lying there, crying and feeling sorry for himself when the door opened and Nurse Catherine came into his room. Quickly he tried to wipe the tears away, acting like he hadn’t been bawling his eyes out seconds ago. This was a habit he’d learned in the past and even though he knew that it was ridiculous he couldn’t help it. “Oh hi Nick,” she smiled. “I didn’t know that you were awake.” Moving over to his beside she noticed that he’d been crying, but did nothing to acknowledge it, keeping his privacy. For this Nick felt grateful and he smiled back at her.

“Yeah I woke up just recently.”

“Okay. Good.” She placed her hand on his forehead and Nick could see by the look on her face that it was not good news. No doubt he was still running a temp. Without any further notion she picked up a thermometer and then placed it at his ear. Nick didn’t have to wait long before the device beeped and he could tell by the frown on her forehead that the news was just as bad as it had been before. “Everything’s fine?” he asked when he thought the nurse had been silent much too long.

“You’ve got quite a fever there,” she said as she wrote down the numbers on her pad. “103.5”

“Damn!” There was nothing more to say and now he got the explanation why he was feeling so weak today. No wonder that he’d start crying!

“I’m going to give you your pain medication,” the nurse instructed with a serious expression on her face. Uncapping the shot, she injected the fluid straight into the IV line. It burned a little in his veins at first, but it was nothing that he couldn’t handle.

“I’m also giving you something so you can sleep a little better,” she went on as she picked up another syringe and then injected the fluid into the line again. Nick was starting to become used to this procedure and he was actually happy that he had a port so he didn’t have to be stung with needles all the time. At least that was a little light in the misery that he was going through.

“Sleep better? All I do these days is sleep!”

“I know it can be hard,” the nurse patted him lightly on his hand with a comforting gesture. “Dr. Andersen ordered this for you so you will be able to relax and get a good night sleep. Your body needs time to heal so you can fight off this infection. Fight off the fever and get healthy again.”

“So I can be healthy?” Nicks blue eyes stared back at her as he spat. “Lady, I’ve got cancer, not some freaking cold.”

“I know that it can feel hopeless at times,” Nurse Catherine said as she sat down beside him on the chair while she waited for the medication to take effect. There was compassion in her voice and she stroked his hand slowly. “But you need to rest so your body can gain strength.” She sounded like a broken record, even though he knew that she meant well.

“Really? You don’t say?” Nick knew he was being major sarcastic but if he gave in the cancer would win and for him attitude was what had gotten him through somehow in life.

The nurse smiled at him, not paying attention to his approach. “You asked if you could make a call to Los Angeles. Did you do that?” Sometimes it was better to change issues than to press on too hard.

“AJ is going to call him since I’m not allowed to have a phone in here.” This was critique but also the truth. Nick had passed on the task to his friend who hopefully fulfilled his request and maybe the blonde squirt would soon be on the plane to see him. It felt like forever since he’d seen Aaron, not since that time when he gotten into a fight with his mother and his family had left in a hurry. He’d talked with them on the phone on occasion but for some strange reason it just made him feel uncomfortable and sad and he didn’t like the way his family sounded like they would break down the minute he spoke to them.

That was the reason why he refrained from speaking to them.

Nicks eyelids were getting more and heavier and soon he found that he had a hard time keeping his eyes open. The sleeping meds were doing their trick and he felt his limbs go all weak and soon his thoughts drifted far away and he fell asleep.

AJ speed dialed the number to the Carter's from Nick’s home telephone. Nervously, he bit his nail since the signals were taking too long and he’d almost hung up when a voice could be heard on the other side.

“Carter’s residence.” It was their maid and AJ presented quickly his reason for making the call. It didn’t take long before he heard Aaron on the phone.

“Aar here. Wass up?” He sounded so much like his older brother that AJ had to hide a smile on his face. This was a young Nick, even though he wasn’t as innocent as his big brother had been at that same age.

“Hi, this is AJ McLean.”

“Jay?” Aaron interrupted him, sounding happy at first but then instantly changed his mind. “What happened? It’s not Nick is it? He..he’s no..not de…dead..is..is he?” The tone was so shaky and his voice raised several octaves.

“No man, calm down.” AJ did his best to reassure the young boy that he didn’t come with bad news, even if it wasn't exactly good either. “It’s nothing like that, but Nick hasn’t been doing so great lately and he misses you and I think it would be a good idea if you could come and visit him.” The older man paused before adding, “He needs his family around him. He needs you kid!”

There was quiet in the other end before the young teenager asked, “He's bad off isn’t he?”

AJ didn’t know if he should lie or not. If he told Aaron the truth Nick would be so mad since he did everything he could to protect his little brother from the harsh world out there. And if he told him that everything was just swell he would be lying and when Aaron came to visit his brother he would find Nick in a worse condition that he’d ever imagined and therefore probably get a shock. This led him to try and divert the question as best as he could.

“All I can say is that he misses you a lot squirt. It would do him good if he got to see you." He hoped that Aaron left it with that but just like his stubborn brother this kid wasn’t going to back down. Stubborness ran in the Carter family.

“You didn’t answer my question! Nick is very sick isn’t he?”

AJ sighed. What was he going to say? This was usually both Kevin and Howie’s duty, but neither of them were available right now. “Okay kid; let me put it like this. Nick isn’t doing his best right now and I think it would be a good idea if you could catch a flight down here. He misses you. He’s in the hospital.”

The teenager on the other line breathed in deeply. “It’s that bad, isn’t it?”

AJ paused a moment before finally adding, “Yeah it’s bad Aaron, very bad.” Nick would kill him for this, but it was worth it. He couldn’t lie to his friend’s family any longer. They had the right to know the truth before it was too late.