The morning couldn't come fast enough for Nick and when the sun peered through the blinds in his room, he couldn't help but feel relieved. It was a new day and even though it would be filled with all kinds of tests it was still a better day than it had been yesterday.

Nick hadn't slept one bit, and even though he was so tired and exhausted that even holding his eyes open proved to be a real battle he still couldn't settle his thoughts long enough to fall asleep. The memories of the conversation he had with his doctor kept coming back to him and he'd tossed and turned like a spinning ball all night.

The news about Aaron being his match left him both happy but also scared. Happy that the bone marrow transplant was a possibility and could actually work. Happy that there was finally a chance for him to survive. But he also felt so scared. Scared that his tests would come back shitty and that he would be so close to make it and yet so far away. Nick was scared that the cancer had spread too much and that he had reached stage 5; the end stage and there would be nothing more that could be done for him.

Strangely there was something else that he was scared of, actually death frightened him, but when he should just be happy but he was also scared of living. That he would actually make it and become well again. Those feelings seemed so out of place and he hadn't dared to tell anyone but Brian about it. His friend had been in a similar situation when he'd done his heart surgery years ago and would be the only one who could understand the different thoughts that were going through his head. When Nick had told Brian about this a few months back, the older man hadn't acted surprised at all and he could still recall the conversation they had a couple of weeks ago.

"Hey Bri..." Nick said as he had looked up at his friend who was sitting next to him in the plastic chair, reading the Times. Brian had come down from Atlanta for a visit and even though Nick had felt both tired and shitty, he had been happy that the Kentuckian had taken the time to come and see him, even though he knew that they would soon be expecting their baby.

"I thought you were asleep….yeah what is it?" Brian had asked, looking up from the newspaper he was reading. There had been a frown on his friend’s forehead as he went on, "You need something? Feel sick again?" Automatically the older man had reached for the emesis basin when Nick had stopped him.

"No...It's okay, I don't need it."

"You sure?" Brian had given him a doubtful look. "You said you felt nauseous before and I thought that you..."

"I know but I feel fine now." The incident Brian referred to was after lunch when the chemo had done another number on his stomach.

"Yeah I'm sure."

"Oh okay," Brian had given him a smile. "You try and get some sleep, you look exhausted." He then patted Nicks arm. "I'll be right here so you can relax."

A small nod before letting out a sigh. Nick had been thinking hard about how he could ask the question that had been on the tip of his tongue all day. He wanted to know if Brian had ever felt scared of making it, scared of survival. But he was also scared how Brian would react. Good or bad? When he couldn't hold down his question anymore he asked for Brian’s attention. "Brian?"

"Yes?" The tone in his voice most have gotten Brian’s attention since his friend had responded instantly. "Something wrong?"

"No." Why did they always think that something was wrong every time that he called for them? Probably because it usually was. Finally Nick had found the courage to spill what was on his mind. "You know I've been laying here all day, thinking and there is something I gotta ask you." He held his breath as he waited for Brian to show his acceptance.

"Okay what is it?"

Nick had spat out the words as if they burned him. "You know when you had that heart surgery a few years ago? Were you ever afraid that you wouldn’t die?" When Brian’s only response had been a frown Nick had felt that it was best that he clarified his question. "That you were afraid that you would actually make it?"

Words had never been Nick’s cup of tea and the more he did his best to try to explain what he had meant the more stupid it had sounded and he started to stumble on his sentences. When he had gotten totally beat and thought he could never make his words clear Brian when stopped him.

"No it's okay. I know what you mean. You wanna know if I was ever afraid to live?"

"Yes!" Nick's head had bobbed up and down, happy that his thoughts had finally gotten through. "I know that this must sound stupid to you but even if all I want is to survive there are also a part of me that is frightened to death to do that. You know I've been living with death for so long that if I actually make it...will I be able to actually live again?"

Nick had expected Brian to joke it all away but instead he'd gotten a serious look. "No Nick. That's not stupid! That's actually a very common thought and to answer your question; yeah I was! At times I was so afraid that even if I would survive, which I was certain I would," Brian added with a small smile "I was scared shitless that I wouldn't be able to perform again and that I couldn't sing anymore. I was so scared that I would have to leave the group. Leave you guys."

Nick had listened in silence and when his friend had been done with the story he was asked the question that he had been most afraid of and that made him want to end this conversation abruptly.

"Nick what are you most afraid of?"

Dammit! Nick had wished that he hadn't brought up this subject but it was too late to turn back. He'd swallowed a couple of times before answering truthfully, "I'm scared that people will just see me as that poor singer who got cancer. You know like a freaking package that you have to feel sorry for." He'd laughed nervously as if he wanted it all to be one of his stupid jokes but Brian must have thought differently since he had made no fun out of it. Swallowing again Nick had continued, "I'm afraid to wake up and realize that life has gone totally past me while I've been laying here sick. That I will get treated differently and that no one remember me as just me." He'd choked back tears and tried to make a smile that had come out more like a scowl.

"Awe Nick." Brian had given him a warm hug when he'd ended his 'I-feel-sorry-for-myself-speech..' "You don't have to be afraid of that. You will always have people that love and care for you and IF we treat you differently then you can always kick our ass." Those had been the words that Nick had remembered most from the five minute long speech that had preceeded.

Chatting with Brian always made him smile and ever since he first met the Kentuckian back in '92 Brian had been the person he had turned to whenever things got out of hand. That was the reason why he'd made B his very own patient advocate. That was because he had trusted him more than his own family. Brian was also great at understanding him even if talking about feelings had never been that easy for Nick. And the best part was that he always took him seriously and so he had done that day too.

Nick hid a yawn behind the back of his hand when the door opened and a young orderly named Susan stuck her face in. She was a substitute while the black male orderly Jack was on vacation and even though she was nice to him she always made him feel uncomfortable. The wide smile she had on her lips he'd seen so many times before and it testified that she was more there for him as Nick the Backstreet Boy then Nick the patient.

It didn't help that he'd been told that several of the young orderlies and nurses were fans of theirs and that they sometimes fought over who would be the one to get to go into his room. At first Nick had felt embarrassed over the news but now he thought it was stupid and it made him feel a bit uncomfortable that people actually fought to take away his bed pan and he guessed that Susan was one of those people.

"Good morning," the brunette said as she walked towards his bed with a tray in her hands and a wide smile pasted on her lips. "I thought you might want this." Walking over to his bed, she set the tray down on the bedside table. "I’m going to raise your head up. Did you sleep well?" she asked while she pressed a button so his bed went up to a seated position.

"No, not really."

"Why?" The smile faded from her face. "You had a rough night?" A bit of confusion clouded her eyes. "The night nurses didn't report anything special and they said that you were asleep. Is there something I'm missing?"

"No." He shook his head, not wanting to tell her what had been on his mind all night. The question about life or death. Changing the subject he instead asked, "So what's for breakfast?" It had been so long since he ate anything other than that nasty Ensure or had been fed through the IV that it felt like an eternity that he actually could taste something. The last time he'd eaten anything solid had been when he'd been home and he and Howie had that late night conversation over a meal of hot spicy shrimp. Unfortunately he had to pay for it the day after but it had all been worth being able to feel normal for a few hours.

"Doctor Andersen has ordered you to have liquids so..." she lifted the lid on the tray with a swift move. "Voila´" A cup of orange Jello presented itself with a bowl of clear broth and apple juice.

"Oh joy! My favorite breakfast," Nick muttered. This was not what he'd expected but it sure beat the Ensure that had been his life companion for so long. Picking up a spoon he dug into the orange jello and tried to swallow it without gagging it up seconds later. When his stomach had calmed down a notch and he was certain that there would be no return he asked, "So anything special planned for today?"

"Oh I don't know." Susan looked unsure. "But I can ask your day nurse if you want. Or perhaps doctor Andersen?"

"No that's okay." Nick forced a smile. When she sat down next to him on the chair he didn't know where to look. This girl made him feel uncomfortable and he found himself wanting her out of the room. It was as if he'd been thrown back several years in time and he was back on the road with several fans following his steps all the time.

She smiled back at him like she'd done every day since he had first met her. Oh how he wished that Jack would be back from his vacation soon. "So tell me Nick, how was it being in the Backstreet Boys? Was it great and all?"

The question caught him by surprise. So far none of the staff had talked to him about his life as a Backstreet boy. They were all professionals and unless he wanted to talk, which he normally didn't, they never once revealed that he was a celebrity. That was until Susan came along.

"Eh..uh." Uncomfortably Nick shifted in his bed. She made him feel a bit embarrassed. Normally he would have snapped her head off, saying that it was not something he wanted to talk about but today he felt like it was important that he was reminded that there was a life outside the hospital too. "It was okay…..no it was great."

She kept asking him questions, all the time while her eyes were shining like a kid on Christmas morning. Nick answered them as well as he could even if it felt strange talking about the band and the guys to a total stranger. A stranger that may have to wipe his ass someday.

"You know," she said breathlessly. "You know I saw you guys perform Black and Blue both in Miami and Fort Lauderdale and...you really rocked."

"You did?" "Yup and it was so great. You guys moved so great on stage and I love the way you sing." Susan talked with so much enthusiasm that Nick couldn't help smiling.

"I'm glad you think that."

"I couldn't believe my luck when it turned out that I was going to work on the same floor as you were on." She must have seen his face cloud since instantly she added, "But oh don't worry. No one knows that I'm working with you."

"Okay." Now Nick felt like he wanted her to leave. She was starting to get under his skin. But Susan showed no movement of leaving instead she asked, "So when will you finish the next album then? Will it be out soon? And how about the solo album? Is it put on ice for now?"

Upon hearing this Nick didn't know what to say or how to act. The happiness he'd felt when he'd talked about his time in the band was all gone and now he felt thrown back to reality. The reality that told him that he might never be able to set his foot inside a studio again, much less sing in one.

Susan must have sensed that she had crossed the line. "I've gotta get going since there are other patients that need their breakfast." She smiled at him. "Hope you feel better soon." And with that she hurried out of the room.

Once Nick was alone he had all the time in the world to ponder what he'd just experienced. It had been so strange talking about the life he had outside when he didn't know if the life would be there for him, waiting when, if, he got outside again. Would the guys still want him in the band? Had the chemo damaged any vital parts in his body so he couldn't sing and dance anymore. Ever since he'd been sick he'd refused singing a note so he knew that his voice was so rusty now. It was as if he let the music take over he wouldn't be in control of what was happening to him and the feelings that was cooped up inside him would let loose. And there would be no telling what the result would be.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************************** There were full action at the Carter’s household and Jane was up bright and early, taking care of the men by making a large breakfast. The conversation around the large oak table was unusually silent and all that could be heard was Jane’s talking about how happy she was that all of Nick's band brothers had been there for him.

Aaron choose at that moment to stare down into his plate and he stirred the soggy cereal in an almost hypnotizing way. He didn't want to talk to his mom, not since yesterdays conversation and even though he felt that the words that had been spilled had been a bit harsh he still couldn't take them back. What surprised him was that AJ had the same opinion and he had voiced it out too.

The teenager knew that his mom and dad cared for all of their children but he also thought that they had a strange way of showing it. Receiving presents was their way of showing their affection and there had been times when he, Aaron but also Nick had cried, telling them that they didn't want another toy or a car but that they wanted their attention instead.

Aaron grew up in the business and he had to think back several years before he remembered the whole family doing anything together and when that happened they often went to a talent show when either Nick or later on Aaron would have to perform when he'd much more preferred that they go down to the beach and done stuff like other families did. He'd talked to Nick about this and even though this was a topic that was seldom discussed he still knew that his big brother felt the same about this. When he was younger they use to go on their boat as soon as Nick was back from a tour and those were the events that he remembered best. Those were the times when his parents actually spent time with them but these past years those moments had become so rare that it hurt thinking about it.

"Honey is that all you're going to eat?" Jane said with as she pointed towards Aaron´s plate. All she got in response was a snort. When the other men looked up from their plates Jane started to tell them how skinny Aaron was now days and how he needed to eat so he wouldn't become ill.

No one said anything at first and Aaron felt embarrassed over his mothers "fake" concern. Howie was the one that broke the silence.

"Aaron isn't skinny. He’s perfect. Remember how Nick was all skin and bones when he was his age?" They all laughed until AJ muttered into his plate, "Kind of like now."

Kevin shot him a hard look before turning back to Jane, "Speaking of Nick. You ready to go and see Nick today?"

There was a brief silence while they are awaited for the answer and Jane forced a smile on her lips. "Yes that's what I'm here for, isn't it?" She ruffled Aaron’s hair. "Air you better hurry up and get dressed or else you're going to miss seeing your brother."

"But mom," the teen objected, not wanting to stand in the middle when his mom and brother would continue the battle that had been going on for so many years. Seriously he doubted that he Nick that he'd seen over the past few days would be fit to do anything, but with his mother you never knew what she would do. Aaron knew that she was still sour over the fact that Nick had thrown her out when she visited him the last time, even though she'd been ready to arrange for him to come and live with them.

"No buts Aaron. You're coming with me to see Nick!"

AJ was the one who settled the fight that was about to torn up with a, "Me and Prick here," he gestured with his spoon towards the blonde, "have talked about going down to Sarasota today and watch the boat races. Is that okay with you Jane?"

The teen gave away a grateful smile. AJ had saved him. He could see his mother blush with annoyance but then she seemed to remember the conversation they had earlier and she nodded with approval. "Very well, do that then." She looked around in the room, "Anyone else want to come with me?"

Howie opened his mouth to volunteer when Kevin cut him off, "I’ll go."

"But didn't you say that Kristin was going to come down from LA today?" Howie started when Kevin gave him a hard look and he shut up instantly.

"Jane I'll go with you." Kevin reassured the older woman. " I promised Nick to come up and see him today so it will suít me just fine."

Aaron couldn't help but grin. It was amazing how well these guys knew each other and he wouldn't be surprised if they knew Nick better than anyone else. That was including his own family.

"That's very nice of you." Jane gave him a thankful nod while Kevin shrugged in reply.

"It's no problem. I'd do anything for Nick."

Aaron couldn't help but see the face his mother did upon those words. It was like an electric shock had gone through her body and he noticed that the comment made her silent. It was as if she was contemplating her own actions when it came to his big brother and their relationship. He didn't have much time to ponder before AJ had placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on squirt. We don't wanna be late to the boat races."

"Okay." With that Aaron pushed his bowl aside and then jumped off the chair. It felt good to do something normal for a change and AJ was a great time to spend time with. He just had one wish. One wish that would maybe never be fulfilled. To spend some normal time with Nick. To be with his brother.