What’s Next To Come?
How everything could go from feeling so perfect and right to so hazy and confusing in a matter of five short days is beyond me. It happened though, things doing a seemingly complete one-eighty. Flip-flopped, reversed. Now, I don’t know where things stand. I went from feeling on top of the world to crashing back down in to wondering if it was all just an act pretty much overnight.
It all started Monday night. Monday night was what I thought to be the start of something incredible. The beginning of a closer relationship with Nick. Up until that point, all we’d shared were close, long hugs and sweet, soft kisses. The tender kind that just make you melt on the inside and make your knees weak. Things were amazing. Nick was my perfect match, having so much in common and getting along great. Even keeping things simple and innocent, taking our time and I felt like we had a real connection. Even though, I yearned to take things just a tiny bit further to show our feelings for one another. To prove that our relationship was advancing. I knew he wanted to be a virgin until marriage, which I respected. He said he’d do everything else though. It was just a matter of time and waiting patiently, which I was willing to do. After all, taking things slowly was something new and refreshing. Building a relationship the way one should be built.
On Monday night, right before bed, as Nick and I were tucking ourselves in for sleep, it was like any other night. Out of nowhere though, he started to jokingly tickle me. Me, being the most ticklish person on the face of the planet, squealed and squirmed. He held me tightly in place though and before I knew it, Nick started kissing me while tickling me. The kisses felt so unbelievable. I was floating. But every now and then, he would tickle me in the middle of it all. I tried to ignore it, and it worked for a few minutes, but soon the sensation would hit and I would start to laugh again. Somehow, I ended up sitting on his torso, leaning up to savor the kisses he was offering, once in awhile giving just the tiniest bit of tongue for just a split second. These were the most intense kisses we’d shared in the two months of us seeing one another. We were actually close to making out, things still sweet but feeling like so much more. But then would come the tickles again, and I would squirm and laugh on reflex, trying my hardest to just focus and kiss him back with the attempts only working half way.
“Are you going to kiss me or worry about me tickling you?” Nick asked with a chuckle.
“Are you going to kiss me or torture me?” I retorted back with a giggle, kissing him some more.
Nick smiled at me as we brushed lips some more, the tickles slowly dying down as we just kissed, him holding me in his arms so securely yet so softly, his hands running up and down my back and sides. The feeling he gave me was a sense of security. Like nothing on earth could happen to me because he wouldn’t let it. Like he truly cared and soon, I could confess my feelings of love for him because he too would be doing the same within the next few weeks.
The kisses continued for a few more minutes until he slowly rolled me over to his side, keeping my head nestled on his shoulder with one arm wrapped around my back side and one of mine wrapped around his chest. I could hear the rhythm of his heart beating , feeling so content and happy.
“Goodnight, babe.” he said softly with one last kiss on the forehead.
“Goodnight, sweetie.” I whispered back.
And soon, we both drifted in to a deep slumber to last hours until the sounds of the alarm woke us both up saying that it was time for Nick to get ready for work, kissing me softly on his way out giving me something to dream about for several more hours.
~*~
Tuesday night rolled around eventually. After going to Nick’s hockey game and then out to dinner at Olive Garden and to my fathers house for a quick visit, we went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I anticipated going home to see what would happen, hoping that there was a repeat of the night before. If there was, it meant that we truly were getting closer. I was ready to see what the night would bring.
Sure enough, after getting in to bed, Nick started the tickling routine again. Only this time, after a few minutes, the kisses became more intense than before. We were actually making out with passionate, long kisses. I was floating, the feeling like nothing I had ever felt before. This was what I had dreamed of for so long with him. He gave me a feeling of comfort, and I would have done anything with him at that moment, while in past relationships, I was reluctant and pushing the guy away because I second-guessed their intentions.
In the middle of the kissing, Nick slowly started to slip his hand up the back of my shirt, rubbing my bare skin with his smooth hand. His hand slowly started to creep up further and further until he was fumbling to unhook my bra.
“Am I making you nervous?” he asked me as he looked in to my eyes.
“Not at all.” I replied with complete honesty.
The kissing continued as he lifted my bra up and started to rub my breasts within his palm. As he lift my shirt up, he soon began to suck on them as I enjoyed the sensation of us being so close. I rubbed his face and then his back and shoulders affectionately, wanting to lean up and kiss him but afraid to do so in fear that it would ruin the magic.
Without warning, and out of nowhere, Nick started to make a kissing trail down my chest, torso, stomach until he was down to my pajama pants.
“I’m going to see if I can make you nervous.” he joked as he slowly lifted me so that he could remove everything that was on my bottom half and then slipped beneath the covers completely.
I laughed softly, but the laugh turned in to a soft moan of pleasure as I felt his tongue caressing my clitoris. It was such a pleasant surprise and felt so unlike anything I’d ever experienced. The sensation was unreal yet I knew that I wasn’t dreaming. After all, how could one dream up something that felt so alive?
As Nick continued to lick and suck, my soft moans and breathing became more intense. Once in awhile, he would stop to see if I was okay.
“Very okay.” I would mumble, not wanting him to stop.
And he would disappear again to finish the job he’d started, and when the time came, I bit in to a pillow and grasped the bed rails of our headboard so that the screams of my orgasm wouldn’t be too loud. Without much success, I can honestly say that he gave me my first one as I let myself go completely. And as he came up from under the thick comforter, his face dripping in sweat, I had a content yet tired smile on my face, as it had taken a lot out of me.
“It’s hot down there.” he laughed as he came back up to me enveloping me in this arms, which made me laugh as well. I leaned in and kissed him, “You realize you’re kissing yourself, right?”
“No, I’m kissing you.” I told him, and to prove my point that I didn’t care where his mouth had been, I gave him a more intense kiss as I reached to then removed his boxers to return the favor, “Is it okay?” I asked, just to make sure. After all, he’d had the same respect for me, which was something I’d never had before.
“Yes.” he told me
I started to kiss him as I grasped his member in my hand completely ready to do exactly what he’d done for me. I went under his shirt and rubbed, ready to kiss all the way down from his nose to Little Nick.
“You’ll have to be gentle,” he told me, and I stopped kissing him for a moment to look in to his deep brown eyes, “You’re the first I’ve ever let touch me there.”
My eyes widened in surprise as I asked, “Are you serious?”
He replied with a, “Yeah.” and then jokingly stated, “Unlike Miss. Experienced here.”
My smile faded and I told him, “Not by choice,” and he looked at me with confusion, “I was more or less raped.” I confessed to him. This was a dark secret I had never told any guy I’d dated before.”
I lay my head on his chest as I continue to rub him down below trying not to let the tears I felt coming fall at the memories of my past bad luck..
“Are you okay?” he asked me.
Picking my head up, I smiled at him, “Yeah, I’m good.” I informed him, and I honestly was because the past was the past and I was here with an amazing man who made me feel special and I was certain wouldn’t hurt me in the same ways.
Him saying to be gentle because I was the first made me decide that I would save giving him a blow job for another time. I continued to do the job with my hand though, still kissing him without stopping even for a breath. Every once in awhile, I would feel Nick tense up momentarily. He never complained though, so I decided I was doing everything right. Everything was perfect. Even more so than I’d imagined it would be in all the day dreams I’d had about when this day would come and how it would go down. We kissed as I helped him relieve himself with one hand and with the other, I caressed his back and sides from under his shirt.
“Could you stop for a moment?” he asked out of nowhere, and I smiled and let go as I waited patiently for him to take a few deep breaths to compose himself giving him a few smooches. He laughed a somewhat embarrassed laugh, “I always heard your first time sucks because your like...ahhh...freaking out.”
I couldn’t help but smile at how adorable he was and how nervous he really was. Just by the way he was acting made me realize that he wasn’t being dishonest about his past experience. I really was his first, which made me feel so important and exceptional. He’d been with a girl for several years before and hadn’t done anything like this with her, but here I was, girlfriend of two months and we were already advancing things. I felt that his feelings were strong and I was just as different to him as he was to me. We were on the same page with our feelings matching on a high level.
“Okay, I’m good.” Nick said after only another minute longer, letting me know that it was okay for me to continue.
I did, determined to finish him at some point during the night. I didn’t even care if it took hours. I was ready to be patient wanting to make his first time memorable and wanting to come back for more in near future nights to come. And although Nick did have me stop a couple more times so he could compose himself, I did my job, knowing he was close when he whispered huskily.
“Tighten your grip and finish.” as he grabbed a t-shirt to catch the cum from his orgasm.
I did as told and even after the effects, I held on for a few more moments to let him know I was in no hurry to pull away. We kissed more and I felt confident that he was satisfied, feeling no need to ask. For a long time after, we just kissed passionately with a mix of the soft kisses from the beginning to the ones with tongue showing our matured relationship that had hit the next level. Nothing had changed though in the sense that he still every so often would tickle me in the middle of our making out.
Like all good things must come to an end however, the kisses died down in intensity as he wrapped an arm around me. I lay my head on his chest as he kissed my forehead, then planting a few more on the lips. We smiled at one another.
“Goodnight, babe.” he told me softly.
“Goodnight, sweetie.” I answered with a yawn even though I was still wide awake from the recent events of the night.
I fell asleep that night feeling so confident and on top of everything. I was on cloud nine sure that from now on, this was how things would be. Unlike the past though, I was also certain that our relationship would have a sturdy foundation based on what really mattered rather than just what happened in the bedroom at night. And the next morning, I was also just as sure as he kissed me goodbye when he was leaving for work.
~*~
Ever since Wednesday morning, things have been different. That night wasn’t so bad, as he sat with me on the couch and held me close for a few minutes as we watched TV.
“I’d love to stay up, but I have to get to bed.” he said, kissing me goodnight.
I understood this, because he did have to be up in a mere six hours to get ready for another sixteen hour day. But things for the past week have continuously gotten more and more distant and I don’t know why. I’m always sad and afraid to come home from my own job for the fear of another rejection and of being ignored. I question weather or not Nick really even likes me anymore since that night. Every time I go to give him a hug or a kiss, he seems reluctant to give me one. Sometimes, he even pulls away completely when he sees me coming, stepping around me. It hurts. My heart feels hollow and as much as I want to cry because of his actions, I just can’t because I refuse to allow myself.
I asked him if he still likes me after a friend of mine started the conversation for us through a text message.
“Tell me how much sense this makes. I live with you, but I don’t like you.”
Point taken, I suppose. Feelings do change though, and not always for the better. Actions speak louder than words and lately, his actions are proving nothing. Here my feelings are growing by the day and I’m afraid his are doing a complete opposite. I want to tell him exactly how I feel, but I am afraid to. I have issues with communicating due to the physical and verbal abuse I’d suffered from in previous relationships whenever I tried to communicate. The scars still remain.
I’ve talked to several people about what’s happened. One says it is just a coincidence and not every night will be like that. We live together, and things change when you live together.
Another person who I’d talked to said that Nick is probably afraid that he is the one who screwed up. He is probably embarrassed that it was his first time and is worried that he was bad and that is why he’s backed off. She said she is friends with several guys, and they all worry about that, and if it was Nick’s first time, then he is probably extremely nervous about everything and likely wondering the same things in his head as I am, terrified that my feelings have changed. She said that I should remind him again how much I enjoyed myself that night to reassure him that I was happy with how things went because she guessed that I hadn’t told him again other than that night. She’s right about that, but how do you just bring that up out of nowhere when you’re sitting on opposite ends of the living room? She told me I should write it down...possibly in a little card. I might try it.
This woman also informed me that Nick is a very shy guy and extremely insecure and sensitive for a guy. I can sense the insecurity because of comments he’s made to me, and can even kind of see how he might be shy. Sensitive though, I don’t know because I’ve never seen that side of him. He wouldn’t ever let me see that side of him. It’s those qualities that make him part of who he is and why I find him so sexy and fell for him so hard. I’m insecure too though, and sensitive as well...and I guess shy when it comes to him because I like him so much and care for him that deeply. With both of us being like that, telling our feelings is hard. One of us needs to break the ice. Who will it be though? I’m afraid that I will hold in all of this frustration of what’s been going on since that night for so long that I will snap, lose it, and start to just scream and yell.
I’m still just very confused. I love Nick so much and I am afraid to tell him. I want him to tell me first so that I know he means it and wont freak when I tell him though. What scares me the most is that he will never feel the same because of the past week. What my friends tell me makes a lot of sense, and they are likely right, but I’m still afraid that he feels nothing for me when a week and a half ago, he said I was his best friend. What I am most afraid of is losing him because of what we did and he decided he just doesn’t like me in that way.
I’m afraid that Nick regrets something that I found to be one of the most special nights of my life.
One way or another, only time will tell what the future holds for us.
Until then, all I can do is wait...
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is my first attempt at writing something close to being a visual. Please let me know what you think. The feedback will be so appreciated, especially since I haven't written in so long. Maybe I would feel inspired to work on 'Not So Bad' then. lol. Anyways, let me know what you think.
