There’s No Turning Back
Work is slow today. As I stand here at the front counter waiting for customers to come in, I have plenty of time to think about and relive the events from the previous night. A slow smile comes to my lips out of nowhere. The sweet memories are ones that I want to keep fresh in my mind forever, and although what happened was completely unexpected, I personally would not take back any of it for the world.
It happened Saturday night. My best friend, Angie, was over for our bi-monthly girls night. We’d gone to dinner and then to the local park to hike the beautiful nature trails that make you forget that you’re in Ohio temporarily. Afterwards, we’d gone to the store to pick up some groceries and for me, a six pack of Smirnoff Ice to kick back and relax with on my one night off.
The night started off good. We watched a movie while I sipped on my alcohol and Angie on her Diet Coke. Before I knew it, it was nearing midnight and Nick still wasn’t home from work where he was usually home shortly after eleven. I sent him a text message on his cell stating that I was making sure he was alright since he was later than usual. Getting no reply, my mind really started to wander to the worst possible scenario that could’ve happened. That was, until he came walking through the door twenty minutes later.
The rest of the night went by smoothly for the most part. The three of us laughed and had a good time. By this point, I’d already had two and a half beers in me. After finishing my third, Nick made a bet with me. He said that he bed that I couldn’t finish the rest of my six pack before he drank an entire six pack of bud light. Always up for a challenge, I agreed, downing my fourth in a mere five minutes tops. On to the fifth, I chugged it as well, but not feeling very good, I took it a little slower, but not by much.
“Slow down,” Nick laughed, “Just sip it. You don’t have to try to embarrass me.”
I shrugged, but after finishing two of the 12 ounce bottles in such a short span of time, I felt completely ill.
“If I throw up, you’re going to take care of me.” I teased lightly although I was feeling like I was going to throw up at that moment.
“I always would.” Nick commented sincerely.
Within the next few minutes, I begun to feel rather dizzy and like I was dying. Being the sweetheart that Nick was, he sat down next to me and let me lay my head in his lap. He even went to get me a garbage can in case I did lose everything that I’d consumed. I moaned in pitiful agony deeming this the dumbest thing I’d ever done.
“Give it ten minutes and she’s going to puke.” Nick laughed, and Angie agreed with a nod of her head.
“I don’t throw up.” I mumbled from his lap, my eyes closed tightly to try to rid myself of the headache and stomach pains I was facing.
As I kept moving around, trying to get comfortable, Nick kept worrying that I was “going to hurt my neck” by my awkward positions, moving me around gently to make sure that I was laying in a way where I wouldn’t be hurting later on. His concern touched me, but feeling as I was, I barely acknowledged it even though it was one of the sweetest things anybody had ever done for me.
For the next twenty minutes or so, Nick and Angie talked softly while listening to music in the background. They spoke of things that I’d been worrying about for weeks, Nick wondering why I seemed mad at him. Pretending to be passed out, I listened and found out things that I’d known deep in my heart were true, but tried to block out because I didn’t want to believe them. The truth was out in the open now and I felt a single tear welling up in the corner of my eye that I willed away. I must have shifted because suddenly, Nick knew I was awake.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked of what I’d found out days before that he chewed tobacco.
“No...” my voice had trailed off, “Disappointed.”
‘Why are you disappointed?” he asked, and I could tell that there was a slight hurt in his tone by the fact that I was disappointed in him.
I didn’t answer right away, and seconds later, the conversation had been changed. It was for the better, because I really didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt me too much to think that this man I loved so much was doing something that later on down the road could hurt him. Something that with anybody else, it would have changed my feelings for them because I despised drugs, cigarettes and anything similar so much that I wanted nothing to do with any of it. With Nick though, it was different. My feelings were so strong that nothing could make them change. The only thing would be if he cheated on me.
It wasn’t long after before I felt much better all of a sudden. In fact, I was in a rather hyper mood. I guess the sugar from the Smirnoff’s kicked in because I sat up and walked out to the balcony to look over in to the night sky. Nick followed, worried that I was going to fall over the railing and down a good twelve feet due to my supposed not being able to keep balance very well. Angie followed and we all stood outside and talked for an hour and a half, Nick still drinking his beverages slowly. With each one he’d finish, he would throw it far out in to the yard surrounding the apartment complex.
“WAKE UP!!!’ he would periodically yell out, and Angie and I would giggle due to the fact that it was past three in the morning.
We all talked for the most part, leaning casually against the old wooden railing, coming back inside after awhile. We watched some TV and when Nick went to the bathroom and I thought Angie was asleep on the golden corduroy chair, I slowly retreated to the bedroom to lye down, ready to drift in to peaceful sleep.
Nick had other plans in store though. When he came from the bathroom, he went out to the living room to check on Angie and make sure she was comfortable and if she needed anything before coming to our bedroom and closing the door. It was only seconds before he slipped beneath the covers with me, pulling me in to his arms.
“Hi.” he whispered huskily, kissing me in the way I’d hoped he would again for nearly two weeks.
“Hey.” I whispered back with a sleepy smile.
Nick kissed me again, sending my stomach in to a spiral of butterflies. I was melting. He pulled me on top of him so that I was sitting on his stomach, strattling him as I leaned up so I was lying on him. We continued to kiss in such a passionate way, filling me up on what I’d been hungry for during the past weeks. We kissed and kissed, my breath catching in my throat because, well, he ‘took my breath away’.
In the middle of our making out, he tickled me again. I stopped him though, holding on to his hands only to let go again when I felt I was safe. It was then that he started to just caress my skin again, slowly removing my shirt, my bra and then my pajama pants so that I was lying atop him completely nude. Nick continued to trace his hands up and down my slender body as I kissed him and rubbed the side of his face with my hand in an affectionate manner while with the other hand, I attempted to undo his pants and remove them ready to have a replay of what had happened almost two weeks ago.
Once I had Nick’s lower half nude, we kissed as our bare bodies touched in a way they really hadn’t before. The smell of his cologne lingered on him from earlier, causing me to float on air and then without any knowledge of what he had planned, Nick inserted himself in to me.
Startled, I didn’t know what to think. I’d been ready for this for some time now. Again, with every other relationship, I’d made the guy wait until he confessed he loved me for a comfortable period of time so that I knew he meant it. Here, Nick had never uttered those three words but I was giving myself to him because I knew he was different. What had me hesitating was because he’d told me he wanted to stay a virgin until he was married and here he was, giving all of himself to me before he originally wanted to. Something in me told me this was wrong and I felt guilty, but the other part was saying to keep going because if felt so good.
“You’ll have to go slow with me.” he said quietly, letting me know it was his first time and that he was likely nervous.
“I will.” I promised, wanting to make it a very enjoyable and memorable experience for him.
We slowly connected in the ultimate way for the shortest span of time when Nick stopped and pulled out, kissing me and smiling as he got up slowly.
“Hold on, I’m going to get a condom,” he whispered. I held on to him, kissing him again and he added, “I’ll be back.”
Sure enough, seconds later, he returned with the equipment in tact. My heart was racing as he pulled me back on top of him, covering our bodies with the warmth of the comforter. He smiled at me again, the same smile that always made my heart melt, as he kissed me.
“Okay.” he spoke softly, as he put himself back in to me, “You sure you’re okay with this?”
I nodded. Was I ever, “Are you sure?” I asked now, even though technically it was too late.
“Yes.” he informed me.
So slowly, we made love, it being so sweet and feeling just so right and like this was how it was meant to be. Every now and then, Nick would ask me if I was alright and if I was positive of what we were doing. I told him I was, also making sure he was one-hundred percent positive. He informed me that he was and I couldn’t do anything but believe him.
“By the way, it feels better without the tent on,” he commented, making reference to the few seconds we’d gone unprotected, “But we have to be safe, right?”
“Right.” I agreed to him, but part of me wished we could do away with the condom completely. The more sensible part of me though knew we had to be safe.
Nick was so considerate, holding back when he was ready to finish and making sure he was doing his job for me until I was near my own orgasm. He said that he wanted us to go together, so he waited until I was ready too. I told him he could go whenever he was ready, but he was adamant on us orgasming at the same time on our first time together. And soon, we did. The feeling was incredible. Fireworks were going off all over the place as he held on to each other, still making out as we finished and even after.
I fell asleep in Nick’s arms that night, mine around his body as well. I was content, and he seemed to be as well.
~*~*~
I felt no regrets with what we’d done that night and even though I still feel slightly guilty for taking Nick’s virginity from him, I knew deep down that he felt the same perfection as me because if he hadn’t, we wouldn’t have done anything. After all, he’d held back for many, many years. He must have felt something different about our relationship as I did with him. Something special. A connection that was so surreal, it was as if we were meant to be soul mates and had finally come together.
But again, almost a week later, and Nick is acting different. He is back to the distant Nick that ignores me. It stings because I truly am thinking that he regrets what happened and am fearful that he will resent me for what had happened. Maybe he was testing me and I was supposed to stop him? Maybe he was testing to see if I would commend to his wishes and not allow things to happen or if I would continue to let things advance? If that were the case though, wouldn’t he have stopped himself before letting things get too far? Wouldn’t he have said ‘no, I’m not ready yet. I can’t do this.” After all, losing ones virginity is a big thing. Especially when you want to wait until marriage but then don’t.
Nick did make a comment about ‘next time’, so maybe he does intend for us to make love again in the future. It was when my long hair kept getting in the way of our kisses and us keeping on having to hold it back with our hands that me made the comment of it being in a ponytail and saying “We’ll know for next time.” I wonder if he even remembers that. I wonder if he even remembers that night. I hope he does, because it was so special to me.
Another part of me is saying that maybe Nick does love me, even though he hasn’t said it. That part of me is saying that he wouldn’t give up something he’d been keeping for so long unless he felt strong feelings of love. Strong feelings in general. That possibly, he is just shy about saying those words for the same reasons I am. But how logical is that mind set?
I truly have real feelings for Nick. I just wonder why he always becomes so distant after us becoming intimate. It always makes me seconds guess his feelings for me. I honestly don’t know if he is just shy and freaks out over what we did, wondering if I regret things or if he is the one that regrets it all. It hurts me. It hurts my heart, making it break because I am feeling like I am losing a love.
Once again, after a night I thought would change things, I am confused.
I am sad and feel lonely.
I want things to always be close and comfortable.
But maybe they just aren’t meant to be...
...maybe Nick’s feelings are changing after all, and he is deciding that I’m not the girl for him. That I’m not girlfriend material period.
Maybe he feels our whole relationship was nothing more than a...mistake.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, so I know I said that this story was finished. I lied. Both people who reviewed requested a second part, so I decided to put my creative mind to work to write part 2. lol. This may really be the end this time, it may not be. It depends on if I can come up with something or not. Sooo, with that said...enjoy part 2 and please leave a review! Thanks!!!
