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“Applesauce, peas and carrots, and, oh, here we go. Diced pears.” Autumn stowed the jars of Gerber baby foods in her shopping cart and looked down at her list again. “Milk, cereal, eggs, waffles…”

Pushing her cart down the aisles of the grocery store, she couldn’t have been more relieved to have some time off—even if it was only half a day. She’d been in and out of meetings, salons, interviews, and awards shows for the last three weeks. Each time, she’d been on display to promote her first film Rein of Silence, and, though the hype was exhilarating, she was also exhausted. All she wanted to do was finish her shopping and run home to spend quality time with Lily.

Turning down the next aisle, she froze. A camera crew was surrounding a group of people who were arguing with each other over a box of cereal, and she couldn’t help but stare. She had a second to wonder if they were filming a commercial before someone tugged on her arm.

Surprised, Autumn turned to stare up into a familiar pair of blue eyes. “Nick?”

His eyes narrowed before recognition sparked. “Autumn! Oh, good. Follow me,” he whispered, pulling her and the cart around to another aisle. They made it down three aisles before Nick stopped and leaned against a rack of tomato sauces. “Whew. I thought I’d never escape them. Thanks,” he added, aiming a thousand-watt smile at her.

She was sure she’d been blinded by it and frowned. “What the hell was that?”

“You mean you don’t know? Are you sure you’re in the business?” Nick asked her.

“You know, that’s the second time you’ve asked me that since I’ve met you, and I still have to say yes. What’s going on?”

Nick yanked a baseball cap out of his back pocket and tugged it on along with a pair of dark sunglasses. “What’s going on is that my siblings and I are filming a reality show about how dysfunctional we are. Believe me, when I say dysfunctional, I mean dysfunctional.”

“They were your siblings? Those…those people making all that fuss over a box of cereal?” Dismay was scrawled across every feature of her face, and he tried not to wince.

He sighed. “Yeah, I’ve got four younger siblings, and that’s what we’re currently doing.” He looked down at her grocery cart. “Hey, I hope I didn’t interrupt your errands or anything.”

Autumn narrowed her eyes at him. “Oh, no, of course you didn’t. I always yank myself out of the cereal aisle and away from what I’m supposed to be getting when I go grocery shopping.” She leaned in close to him and whispered, “It’s a secret ritual I have. But, shh, don’t tell anyone.”

Nick grinned. “You know, I’m appreciating the sarcasm. Really.”

“Well, I’m glad someone’s having fun.” She rolled her eyes. “Look, I really do have to get on with my shopping and get home. I’ve been on my feet all day.” She started to push the cart down the aisle again.

“Oh, yeah! I saw a preview for your movie the other day, and I was really surprised by it.” He hurried to keep up with her.

“Surprised by it? Didn’t I tell you to watch for it?” She reached for a bottle of ketchup on a high shelf.

Nick plucked it off for her and held it out. “Well, yeah, but part of me was kind of skeptical. I mean, there’s a lot of people who are always bragging in this city about how they’re gonna make it big, you know.”

“And I seemed like one of them?” Miffed, she turned away from him and strolled into the vegetables. “Thanks a lot.”

“No! I mean, yes! I mean…Damn it, Autumn!” He watched as she selected bell peppers and tomatoes. “You know, any way I answer that question, I’m going to turn out the bad guy, so I won’t answer. I’ll just say I was pleasantly surprised by the preview, and it looks like a great film.”

Pleased by his sincere-sounding compliment, she looked over at him. “Thanks. Don’t worry, Nick,” she added. “I’m guilty of suspecting you, too. I didn’t really believe the whole ‘I’m a singer’ thing either. My publicist set me straight, though. Her and that website, what was it? LiveDaily?”

He grinned. “Yeah, that’s the one. I saw those pictures of us.” The grin disappeared. “I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable that they were calling you my new love interest.”

“Uncomfortable?” She shook her head. “I wasn’t uncomfortable. Publicity is publicity, Nick. I should be thanking you for having fans that are spreading my name everywhere.”

“You’re welcome, but the real credit is, of course, due to those diehard fans.” He sighed dramatically. “I don’t know where I’d be without them.”

“Right.” Autumn grabbed a head of lettuce and placed it in the cart. “So, tell me about this reality show. You and your younger brothers and sisters just sit around and argue all the time and get recorded doing it?”

“Basically? Yeah.” He didn’t want to think about it, knowing the camera crew was probably freaking out over the fact that he’d disappeared. Not to mention the fit he was sure BJ was throwing over his absence.

Autumn patted his arm. “Well don’t sound so excited about it, Nick. I can hardly be near you when you’re bubbling over about your show,” she mused sarcastically.

“I am excited, but it gets a little annoying after a while, too. It doesn’t matter, though, because viewers are giving us great ratings for our fights.”

“Great ratings, huh? You don’t want anything more out of it than that? You don’t want a better career than just pushing and shoving with your family?”

Instead, he shrugged. “That’s what we do. It’s just part of life.”

He sounded very nonchalant about it, but the look in his eyes spoke volumes. “You hate it, don’t you?”

“Who, me?” Nick shook his head. “I love it! I’m getting paid to be a jerk with my sibs, and all of America is watching us duke it out over stupid things. I can’t think of an easier job.”

“And you like easy? That’s not what you seemed to be feeling a little while ago when you dragged me across the supermarket, away from your work.”

He could tell she wasn’t going to let him off easy, so he decided he’d try the Nick charm. “Listen, Autumn. I’m sorry I hijacked you and all, but the cereal war was getting a little crazy. I just needed a way out, and you helped me. Thanks and all, but I think I should probably get back to them.”

She nodded. “Of course, you should go do what you love. It must be nice to do nothing and have the world at your feet.”

If she only knew. Nick shrugged. “Of course. And, uh, I think I’m supposed to be at the premiere for your movie, so I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, see you there,” Autumn muttered, glaring at his retreating figure. Did he really think she was stupid enough to fall for that lame excuse for an evasion of her question? “Don’t worry about him, Evans. Like he said, it’s his life.”

But she couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for him.

***

Sometimes, I just want to run away from the cameras, the fans, my family. I love them, don’t get me wrong. But when a camera is shoved in your face from the minute before you wake up to the minute after you go to bed and all the times in between—it’s enough to drive a sane man crazy. And I never claimed to be sane.

When we were touring with Millenium, I loved the hype, the crowds, the sheer rush that would just fill me up with all this energy. I was on top of the world and couldn’t be happier. I loved the cameras, and, if Brian hadn’t stopped me a couple of times, I would have danced naked in front of them. Back then, nothing mattered but the music, the guys, and our fans. I didn’t have to worry about drinking and driving, considering I wasn’t even legal then. And Mom? She was the greatest woman in the world in those days.

The entertainment industry has claimed more than just my life.

There are days when I wake up hoping that I’ll have traveled into a time warp during the night, and I’m back in those early days again. The days when the biggest thing I had to worry about was the next prank to pull on Kevin or how to bug the hell out of Howie. They’d tolerate me, sometimes even laugh along. Now, I go months without seeing them. They used to be my family, but not anymore.

When we first went on hiatus, I was thrilled. I could finally rock out to the beat of my own drum—literally. Well, we all know how badly that went. I sucked a lot more than I’d thought I would. Of course, it didn’t help that every time I heard Timberlake’s songs on the radio it felt like someone was pouring salt in my open wound. Then the whole shit with my parents went down, and I’d never felt more alone in my life.

After that, I just wanted to go back to that feeling of safety I had when I was with my big brothers—Kevin, Howie, AJ, and Brian. But I couldn’t go back because none of us are the same anymore. Our lives don’t even seem to intertwine as much anymore. Howie’s off doing something with real estate and managing a couple artists. AJ’s raising more than a few brows with his personal life, but being just as crazy as he is, I don’t say anything, except that I’m proud of him for his whole sobriety deal. I wish I had that willpower.

I remember when Brian was my B-Rok, when the world couldn’t get between us. And then Leighanne happened, he got married, and they had a kid. Not that I’m not happy for them, but I miss him. I miss fooling around with him or just having those serious talks in the middle of the night on the road. I miss Brian, but he’s doing what he loves.

When Kevin told us that he wanted to move on, get out of the Backstreet family, it felt like a ton of lead bricks had just dropped on my heart. I didn’t let it show, though. No way. Kevin wanted us to be happy for him. You could tell when you looked in his eyes. He’s dying to be a dad, and he wants to do things that he’s psyched about. It feels like the end of the legacy, though. Kevin, as much as I make fun of him, is the one guy who could really sit me down and know exactly what was going through my mind. Whenever I was upset, Kevin would know. It was kinda scary sometimes, but I love him for it.

Things are changing, and I feel like I’m being left behind by the family I chose. Maybe that’s why I started hanging out with Bean and the guys. They drink themselves to oblivion for the hell of it. I pretend that’s why I’m doing it, too. It’s not because I want to forget everything and everyone. I mean really. Why would I want to forget that I’m Nick Carter, and the only press I can manage to get these days is negative, whether it’s the snide comments about the god-awful reality show or the stupid charges I’m always getting slapped with? Nah, that’s not it at all.

The entertainment industry is fickle. I thought I’d always be on top, but I’m not. Not even close. One day, you’re at the top and nothing can bring you down. The next, you’re last week’s news and no one really gives a damn about you.

I wanted to tell Autumn Evans that. I wanted to tell her that she should savor it while it lasts because her stardom isn’t going to last long. I decided against it, though. She should be able to enjoy the ride—I did. Until I got chewed up and spit out.

Now…now, I’m nobody.