Lily wanted her mother. She called for her mama over and over again, but her mother didn’t come. The young doctor in the white lab coat tried to soothe her, hoping that she would calm down.
“Come on, sweetie. Everything’s going to be fine.” He stroked her hair as he settled her into the MRI bed.
They were running MRI and CT scans on her to be certain she wasn’t internally bleeding and hadn’t suffered from some sort of brain injury when she’d been held captive. So far, her X-rays had come back negative for any breaks, and her blood tests were normal. It appeared that her aunt had fed her despite the fact that she’d kidnapped her niece. To the doctors that took care of little Lily Evans, it seemed as though Summer Evans had really hated her sister, but that hatred hadn’t extended to her niece.
“Mama,” Lily cried even as she slid inside the big, white machine. “Want Mama! Daddy! Pease!”
“The poor kid,” one doctor remarked to another. “She’s been through hell and back.”
“I know,” the other replied. “I can’t believe we’re lucky enough to take care of her. Who knew they’d bring her here?”
When the MRI was over, the doctor, who had been personally assigned to watch Lily at all times, lifted her into his arms and stroked her back, murmuring quietly to her. “It’s okay, Lily. We’re going to take care of you.”
He carried her back to the room she’d been assigned to and ran into the resident in charge of Lily’s case.
“How did her tests go?” the resident asked. “Do we have the results yet?”
“Yeah. Blood tests, X-rays, MRI, CT scans look good. I think she’s okay, Doctor.” The younger doctor continued to try to soothe her. “She just needs her mother, now.”
The resident nodded. “Of course. Well, let me do one more examination, and then we can release her to the family.”
Once Lily was thoroughly examined again, she was deemed ready to go home, and one of the nurses dressed her in the clothes that one of her relatives had brought for her. Then, she was carried out to the nurses station.
Brian and AJ waited there, and both snapped to attention when they saw Lily.
“Hey, there, Lily.” AJ smiled when she started babbling at them. “We missed you, too.”
Lily held out her arms to Brian. “Bwi-Bwi!” And practically fell into his arms, crying.
The nurse looked apologetic. “She’s been crying for her parents all through the tests.”
The two men exchanged glances before Brian looked back at the nurse. “So her tests…?”
“Were fine. She’s healthy and suffered from nothing more than separation from her family.” The nurse held out a clipboard with paperwork to him. “I know you’re not her parents or guardians, but, under the circumstances…”
AJ took the paperwork. “Yeah, I don’t think Autumn or Nick would mind.” His voice caught at the end when he thought of Nick. Clearing his throat, he scrawled his signature across the bottom of the forms and handed them back to the nurse. “Thanks so much.”
“No problem. I really hope things work out okay for you.” She held up a lollipop for Lily. “Here you, go, honey. Maybe this will help a little.”
Lily blinked at the sight of the candy, but, when she didn’t reach for it, Brian took it anyway. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he slipped the candy into her hand.
“Thanks. We should get going. Back to the fourth floor.” He smiled at the nurse before carrying Lily back to the elevator, AJ walking beside him. “I’m glad she’s okay.”
“Yeah.” AJ tugged on one of Lily’s curls, making her smile at him. “It’s good to see you again, munchkin.”
Lily held out the lollipop to him. “Take, pease?”
“Aww, you’re going to want that later, kiddo.” AJ curled her fist around the candy. “Keep it.”
Pulling her hand back, Lily laid her head against Brian’s chest with a little sigh. “Mama, Daddy? Pease?”
Brian looked helplessly at AJ. “Sure thing, Lily. In just a bit.”
When she snuggled in closer, Brian tightened his hold on her as though she would, once again, be lost to them. “Love you, Bwi-Bwi an J.”
“We love you, too.” AJ sighed as they climbed aboard the elevator and hit the button for the fourth floor.
Five minutes later, they walked into the waiting room that the hospital had designated for the group. Everyone was either slumped in a chair or paced the room, desperate for news, any news. Brian’s eyes lit on Leighanne sitting in a chair, Baylee asleep in her lap. Next to her Howie and Leigh talked quietly. Across from them, Jack leaned forward in his chair, his hands clenched together tightly. Nick’s siblings had arrived in the five hours it had been since the cops had shown up at the home on Long Island to find three people suffering from bullet wounds. While Nick had been rushed into surgery, his brother and sisters had circled together tightly in the waiting room, praying. Their father was due to arrive in another couple hours.
As AJ settled in a chair next to Leighanne, Brian carried Lily over to the far corner of the room where a lone figure sat staring out the window. Though everyone had looked up when Lily had been brought into the room, no one said anything.
“Autumn?” Brian sat next to her. Immediately, Lily noticed her mother.
“Mama!” She scrambled out of Brian’s arms and into her mother’s.
Autumn clutched her daughter close to her and rocked, tears slipping from her eyes. “Oh, Lily. Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay.” She gripped Brian’s hand. “Thanks for watching out for her.”
“No problem.” He rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. “You had to talk to the cops, I know. It’s the least AJ and I could do. The doctors cleared her, said she’s in perfect health.”
“God.” Autumn could feel Lily’s tiny body trembling as she wept into her mother’s shoulder. “It’s okay, baby. You’re with me now. You’re going to be okay, now.”
When Brian had gone back to wait with his family, Autumn continued to rock Lily and stared at the view of the ocean she had from the window. The last five and a half hours had been absolutely surreal for her.
The cops had helped her up and away from Liz’s lifeless body. Apparently, during their struggle, Liz’s fingers had squeezed the trigger, releasing a bullet into her own chest. She’d been dead before Autumn had regained consciousness in an ambulance. Luckily, all she’d suffered were a black eye and a deep cut on her arm that had required six stitches.
An hour after she’d been released from the ER to wait on news of Nick, one of the doctors had approached her with news of Summer. Autumn hadn’t even expected Summer to be alive, but, apparently, she’d lived through the bullet wounds. Unfortunately, or fortunately, she’d died on the table in surgery. Being her next of kin, Autumn had been given custody of the body.
She let her eyes close now as Lily slept in her arms. The sun was beginning to set, another day was ending, and her world seemed even more confused today than it had seemed the day before. Today, her sister and her best friend were dead, and Nick was struggling to live through surgery.
Earlier, one of the doctors had come out of surgery to speak to her. His scrubs had been stained with Nick’s blood, and Nick’s prognosis, he told her, was looking very dim. If he made it through surgery, he would be monitored closely in the intensive care unit. He’d lost a great deal of blood. One of the bullets had narrowly missed his lungs, and the other had seemingly lodged in his liver.
Autumn squeezed her eyes shut and prayed for him to live. He wouldn’t be hovering between life and death if it hadn’t been for her. If he hadn’t cared for her, loved her, he wouldn’t be suffering now, she thought. He would be alive and healthy. But it seemed that everyone she came into contact with suffered.
Her sister had suffered because Autumn hadn’t cared for her enough. Liz hadn’t cared about her at all, but, if Autumn had known better, Liz wouldn’t have been pushed to hurt and kill. Lily had been kidnapped, and it had, once again, been Autumn’s fault for not protecting her child. She wished she could go back to the beginning and make it all different.
But she couldn’t.
***
He was swimming in dark waters. Weightless and free, he pushed through the thick water and wished there were a light that could show him where to go. It didn’t occur to him that he needed to breathe air.
There was a sense of urgency burning in his heart, a need to get somewhere. Fast. Something was not right, and he worried that he wouldn’t get there in time.
When the pain flashed in his chest, his legs stopped moving. His hands clutched at his throat as he fought to breathe past the pain. Suddenly, the water began weighing him down, sucking him in. The burning sensation in his chest spread to his lungs, so that every breath he drew in flashed fire.
Helpless to do anything, the water pulled him down into its deep, dark depths.
***
“Mrs. Carter?”
Autumn’s eyes opened, and she found the doctor she’d spoken to earlier sitting next to her. Immediately, she sat up. “What is it? What’s happened? How’s Nick?” She looked over her shoulder to where everyone else sat, their faces tense as they waited for news.
“Mrs. Carter, you need to relax.” The doctor spoke quietly. “Your husband came through the surgery better than we expected, but that’s not saying much. We managed to remove the bullets and tried to repair his liver. The problem is, he’s lost too much blood, and, though we’ve given him transfusions, it might not be enough. He’s been moved to the ICU where we will observe him constantly. Mrs. Carter.” He placed his hand on hers as his kind brown eyes met hers. “If he can make it through tonight, his chances for living improve from ten percent to almost seventy percent. The next few hours are very crucial.”
Autumn nodded, partly relieved that she hadn’t lost Nick. Not yet. “C-can I see him?”
“We’ll let you know as soon as he’s settled in. We can only allow one person at a time in to see him, and, at the moment, only family.” He glanced around the room at the anxious faces. “I’m sorry, it’ll just be family for the time being.”
Autumn sighed in relief before shaking her head. “This,” she gestured to the rest of the people in the room. “This is his family.”
“Mrs. Carter-”
“Dr. Reynolds. Just about everyone in this room is his family.” She managed to smile at Nick’s siblings. “Those are his siblings, and Howie, AJ, and Brian are his brothers. This is family.”
The doctor considered for a moment before nodding. “All right, then. One of the nurses will take you up to the ICU as soon as he’s been settled in.” He patted her hand again. “He’s a fighter. We nearly lost him on the table, twice, but he pulled through each time. I have high hopes for him.”
“Thank you, doctor.” Autumn waited for the doctor to leave before she buried her face in her hands. He was going to make it. He had to make it. She didn’t even want to consider any other option.
“Autumn.”
She looked up to find Angel standing in front of her. “Angel. Everyone heard, right? He’s hanging on. He’s going to make it.”
Angel scowled, even while tears shone in her eyes. “My brother wouldn’t be in the hospital, fighting for his life, if it weren’t for you. I wish he’d never met you. You’ve done nothing but ruin his life with all of your issues! I never once thought he was completely happy with you, and now look. He could’ve died! He still might. If he does, I’ll never forgive you. Never.”
Leslie and BJ put their arms around their sister, Leslie shooting Autumn an apologetic look. “She doesn’t mean it. She’s upset, we all are.”
“I do mean it!” Angel called over her shoulder as her sisters led her away. “I’ll hate you for killing him!”
Autumn could hear everyone else whispering around her and wondered if they, too, blamed her. She covered her face with her hands and let the sobs pour out. After a while, she felt someone take the seat next to her, but she didn’t look up.
“I’m really sorry about Carter.” Jack’s voice was low as he stroked her back soothingly. “I didn’t really hate him, you know. I guess I was just jealous that he took you away from me.” He sighed. “I can’t believe all this happened the way it did. God, Summer and Liz in cahoots?”
Autumn lifted her tear-streaked face to look at him. “I need him to live, Jack. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.”
“He’ll make it. If I was in his position and the woman who loved me was freaking out about me dying, I’d hang on just to keep her heart from breaking.” Jack smiled when Autumn’s eyes widened. “What? You thought I wouldn’t know that you’re in love with the guy?”
She shook her head. “I-I’m not. I care about him. A lot. I don’t—God. I don’t love him.”
Jack cupped her cheek with his hand. “Honey, you hold your emotions way too deep inside of you. This guy is holding his heart out to you on a shiny platter, and you’re denying yourself. Nick deserves better, and so do you. You can deny it all you want, but you’re in love with him. Why else would you be so worked up right now?”
“Jack, I-” But whatever she would’ve said was forgotten when a nurse entered the waiting room.
“Mrs. Carter?”
Autumn stood, Lily still in her arms. “Yes?”
“If you’ll follow me, you can see your husband now.”
Jack took Lily from her and gestured her towards the door. “Go. I’ll take care of her.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks, Jack.” She bent to kiss his cheek. “For everything.”
“I owed you. Now go.”
Autumn hurried past everyone but stopped when Brian took hold of her hand. “Autumn.”
She could’ve wept just at the look in his eyes and the looks on everyone else’s faces. “Brian.”
“Tell him…” His voice broke. “Tell him we’re all praying for him. And you.”
Her eyes filled with tears again. “I will.”
When the nurse showed her into Nick’s private ICU room, Autumn stopped in the doorway and just stared. There were so many wires and tubes running into his arms, his nose, the back of his hand. An IV bag dripped clear liquid into a tube running into the vein inside his elbow, and a heart monitor beeped away, recording his heart rate. There were several other machines in the room, but she had no idea what their purpose was. At the moment, she didn’t care. Her eyes were on Nick.
He was so pale, she thought as she took the seat next to his bed. The hospital gown covered the bandages on his wounds. She took his hand in hers and found it was cool. She wished he would open his eyes and talk to her. Say something, anything, just so she would know he was going to be fine.
She’d heard somewhere that talking to unconscious loved ones sometimes brought them back from the edge. Foolish as she felt, she couldn’t stop herself from bringing his hand to her cheek and talking to him.
For a while, she just babbled about how Lily was okay and had been asking for him. She thought he would like knowing that. She told him about how Liz and Summer were both dead, and how strange it was that she was in charge of burying her twin, who’d hated her so much. Then, she fell silent and tried to think of what else to say.
The words burst out of her before she could think them through. “Nick, everyone’s waiting for you to wake up. The guys, Leighanne, Leigh, Baylee. Your brother and sisters are here, and your dad’s supposed to arrive in an hour or so. Brian said Kevin’s on his way out, too. I bet you’ll be thrilled to see him.”
“Nick, I’m so sorry that you’re laying here like this. It was all my fault, from the start. I should’ve never gotten you involved in my life, never allowed you to care for me so much. Part of me wishes we’d never gotten married, but then Lily wouldn’t have a father.” Her voice cracked. “Nick, please, please don’t leave us. Everyone needs you so much. You couldn’t possibly know. They’re all so worried about you.”
There were tears sliding down her cheeks, and one plopped onto his hand. “Don’t leave me, Nick. If it weren’t for you, I’d be dead now. If you don’t make it, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t think I’ll ever be fine. I’m begging you, Nick. Please hang in there. Please, God, don’t die on me.” She pressed her lips to his hand. “You mean so much to me, more than I thought you ever would. If you wake up, I swear I’ll make everything right again. I’ve screwed up so much, but I’ll fix it if you just open your eyes and let me know that you’ll be fine.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she clutched his hand and laid her head on the bed next to him.
***
They took turns that night, sitting with Nick, praying for him, asking him to just wake up. At one point, Brian joked that, once Nick had gotten his lazy ass out of bed, Brian was just waiting to beat him in a one-on-one game that was long overdue. AJ swore that if Nick woke up, he’d quit smoking. When Kevin arrived, he simply couldn’t find the words to say and ended up quietly sitting by his bedside, weeping and praying.
Autumn’s turn came around again at about seven the next morning. She told herself to be happy that he’d made it through the night because his chances for living had drastically improved, but she was still terrified that something would go wrong.
Kevin knocked on the window of Nick’s room a half hour later, trying to get her attention. When she spotted him, he gestured her outside.
“Hey, Leighanne sent me.” Kevin let himself reach out and take Autumn’s hand. A small part of him still resented her for causing the trouble that had led to Nick lying in a hospital bed. Nothing that Brian, AJ, or Howie said had yet to completely squelch those feelings. “She said that Lily’s fussing and that she’s crying for you. I think you might need to feed her.”
“Oh.” Autumn nodded, well aware of Kevin’s feelings towards her. “Okay.”
“And someone from the hospital morgue came looking for you. They need you to sign a few forms and decide what you want to do with your sister’s body.” Kevin noticed the flash of pain in her eyes at the mention of her sister and didn’t say anything.
She sighed. It had to be done, and there was no avoiding it. “Uh, well then, I guess I’ll go down and take care of it. Can you sit with Nick?”
“Of course.” Kevin moved towards the door but stopped when Autumn called him.
She tried to blink back tears and didn’t quite succeed. “Kevin, you told me that I would hurt him. All those months ago, you knew that Nick wasn’t safe with me. And you were right. I’m so sorry that I hurt him, that I’m the reason why he’s fighting to stay alive, and I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. If there was any way that I could go back and change it, I would.”
Kevin didn’t think, just acted. In a second, he’d gathered her into his arms and held her as they both struggled with tears. “Don’t say that. If it were you in there, Nick would’ve never forgiven himself. If something had happened to you, I don’t know that he would’ve ever been okay. He loved you, and he would think he did the right thing by protecting you.” When she lifted her face, her expression was surprised. He kissed her cheek. “You didn’t pull the trigger, Autumn, and you shouldn’t blame yourself. And I shouldn’t blame you either,” he added, finding that it was true.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me,” she whispered, but he shook his head.
“I don’t think Nick would be too happy if I hated the woman he loves.” He smiled a little. “Besides, you’re good for him, despite evidence to the contrary. I’d pick you over any of his other girlfriends in a heartbeat.”
Autumn managed to smile. “Thanks, Kevin. I know how hard it must be for you to see him like that. To know that, if it hadn’t been for me, he would be fine right now.”
“It’s hard no matter what the circumstances,” he replied. “Stop blaming yourself. Anyway, I think you need to go. Lily was screaming by the time I left the waiting room.”
“Right.” Autumn started off down the hallway then turned back to him. “Thanks, Kevin. Really.”
He merely smiled before going into Nick’s room.
***
Almost two hours later, Autumn returned to find the waiting room buzzing with activity. There was cheering, and everyone seemed to be excited.
When Leighanne spotted her, she pulled Autumn into a hug. “Autumn, you’re not going to believe it!”
“What? What is it? Is it Nick?”
Leighanne nodded but before she could speak, Autumn was whirled away by Brian.
“Hey! Did you hear the news?” He grinned and squeezed her into a hug.
Autumn pulled away. “What happened?”
“Nick woke up! It was only for a few minutes while BJ was in there, but he woke up! He’s going to be okay. He knew who he was, what day it was, and he wanted to know if you were okay. He fell asleep before we could tell him you were fine, but,” Brian did a happy dance, “he’s gonna be fine!”
She was crushed in a sea of hugs and kisses by everyone else in the waiting room. Eventually, the room emptied as some people headed back to the hotel to change and get some sleep, and others went up to the ICU to try to see Nick. Autumn settled Lily on her hip, and, stopping at the nurses’ station to leave private instructions, she, too, left the hospital.
***
I’m just trying to figure out
What’s wrong with your head
Every time I look around
You’re somewhere else instead
I want to ask you why
But every time I try, you cry
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jack walked into the bedroom, carrying Lily on his hip.
Autumn folded the last of her clothes and settled them in the box. Pulling out a strip of tape, she closed the box. “Yes, I know what I’m doing. This is what’s best.”
“For who? You?” Jack shook his head. “I think you’re making a big mistake.”
“The biggest mistake I made was getting Nick involved with my life. The best thing I can do for him is to get out of it.” She picked up the box and carried down the stairs. “I know you think I’m crazy, but this is right.”
Jack sighed. “Have you ever thought that maybe the best thing for you, Nick, and Lily is to stay together?”
“Jack, I’ve gone over this a thousand times in my head.” Autumn pushed her hair back into a ponytail. “In a perfect world, we could be a family, but this isn’t a perfect world. If I wait for him to come home, he’ll convince me to stay.”
“He’d be right.”
“Jack.”
And I want you to know
When you’re floating in space
And I want you to know
If you ever come back down
And I need you to know
“I’m sorry, Nick, but she’s gone.” Brian’s expression was grim as he stood by Nick’s bedside. “She cleared out of the hotel before we realized it.”
Nick nodded. He’d been awake for two days, and all he’d wanted was to see Autumn. Now, he was absolutely certain he never would. “It’s okay, Brian. She probably just went back to LA. Lily needs a little stability right now, you know? I bet that’s what Autumn was trying to do.”
“I tried calling her, but she’s not picking up.”
“Her phone might be off. She forgets to recharge it sometimes.” He remembered how many times he’d scolded her to not do that. “It’s no big deal.”
Brian nodded, clearly not convinced. “Okay. I heard the doctors say that you need another surgery.”
“Yeah.” He hated the idea of it but knew there was no way around it. “They have to completely repair my liver. There’s still damaged tissue that needs to be fixed.” He shrugged a little. “It’s not a big deal. Just an hour or two under the knife again.”
“I know how much you hate the idea of surgery.”
Nick met Brian’s eyes and remembered that he’d avoided going to the hospital when Brian had undergone heart surgery. “Yeah, I do. I also know if I don’t get it done, my liver could collapse.”
“So, when’s the surgery?”
“Tomorrow afternoon.” Nick wished Autumn and Lily were here. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so nervous. Maybe then he wouldn’t have this sickening feeling in his gut that nothing was ever going to be right.
“You’ll be fine.” Brian patted his shoulder. “We’re all here for you.”
Nick smiled in response and laid his head back on the pillow. Wishing.
I wanna breathe you
I wanna feel you near
This is my confession
I wanna see what you see
When you cry those tears
Give me just a second
What am I to do?
Maybe it’s obsession
But this is my confession
“Can you buckle her into her car seat?” Autumn fit the last of the boxes into her trunk and turned to Jack. Lily bounced in his arms. “I just need to run inside, do one last check.”
He nodded, still sure that she was making a mistake. “Take your time.”
Autumn walked back into the house. There was no need, she told herself, to feel so empty, broken, and lonely. She and Nick had never really been a real couple anyway. It had all been pretend. Fake relationship, fake marriage. Fake feelings.
I’m in love with you.
She squeezed her eyes shut to block out the sound of Nick’s voice as he told her he loved her. It wasn’t real, he didn’t really love her. She was doing him a favor by leaving.
The last trip through the house was hard. Every room held a memory, and she gathered them all and locked them in her heart. As she passed her bedroom, she spotted the picture frame. She’d had one of the family’s candid shots from the Vanity Fair piece mounted and framed.
Picking it up off the dresser, she studied it for a long time. Then, she carried it to Nick’s room and placed it on his bedside table. It was the only trace she would leave behind that said that she had lived in this house for a few short months.
Part of her wanted to steal one of his shirts, just to have something that carried his scent. It would comfort her on the long nights she knew awaited her.
Forcing herself to be stronger, she took nothing and walked down the stairs and out the door.
I confess
Every time I come around
Something’s always got you down
And I don’t understand why
And if you want to tell me
I’ll be the angel on your shoulder baby
I’ll be the man that you confide in, but I
Can’t seem to run
Get you out of that place
A part of his mind knew that Autumn was out of his reach forever. Even as he lay in a bed three thousand miles away, he knew that she was putting thousands more miles between them. He’d been so close to having it all, the family, the love, the perfect life, and then, in a fingersnap of time, he felt it slipping away from him.
The doctors told him he was going to be fine, that his recovery was going much better than they’d expected. The news stations and entertainment shows ran stories about the whole fiasco, and he made himself listen to every detail. When they flashed pictures of Autumn and Lily on the screen, he memorized every detail of their faces again, as though it was the only time he’d ever see them.
Perhaps, somewhere deep inside, he already knew the truth.
I wanna breathe you
I wanna feel you near
This is my confession
I wanna see what you see
When you cry those tears
Give me just a second
What am I to do?
Maybe it’s obsession
But this is my confession
Lyrics from “My Confession” Nick Carter
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ta-da! I'm seriously on a roll with this story, and it will be finished in the next 18 hours or so LOL Anyway, here's the next chapter! It will be surprising, to say the least, but I hope you enjoy!
