[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
Chapter 105


In the dark of night
Those small hours
Uncertain and anxious
I need to call you…


Much later that night, Claire sat in the living room of her own apartment, flipping through her scrapbook, the new Backstreet Boys CD playing softly in the background. She often looked through her scrapbook when she got emotional, and tonight, she was definitely emotional. The song… the message in Nick’s liner notes… it was all too much.

In front of her, pasted into the scrapbook, was a picture of Nick and her that had been taken on their six month anniversary, by one of the waiters at the restaurant Nick had taken her to. They were sitting close to each other at the table, his arm around her, radiant smiles on both of their faces. Claire could see the amusement twinkling in both of their eyes and couldn’t help but smile now, remembering how they had made fun of the fanciness of the stuffy French restaurant, talking in bad Pepe Le Pew accents and laughing over the waiter who had called her “Mademoiselle.”

That had also been the night he had proposed to her, she reflected – liked she could ever forget. Why couldn’t that happiness have lasted? she wondered sadly, remembering how excited she had been over the thought of getting married. What had made her so unhappy with their relationship near the end?

I missed this, she thought. I missed just being with him like this. I never saw him near the end. She knew that wasn’t the whole reason… but it was definitely a reason. If she was going to be with someone, she wanted to be with them. Not all the time – she wasn’t the clingy type. But the long distance thing was difficult. Maybe Jamie had been right to break up with her when he had – maybe they wouldn’t have lasted through college anyway simply because of the distance factor. Everything for a reason, she mused again. Maybe she just wasn’t cut out to be the wife of a superstar.

Tonight, though, she wasn’t so sure. She couldn’t stop thinking about Nick. A part of her wished Jamie would come knocking at her door right now, just so she could hug him and kiss him and reassure herself that he was the one she was supposed to be with. But she doubted that would happen. “We’re not doing anything Friday night,” she had told him early in the week. “It’s Backstreet Boys day, and Laureen and I are having a girls night.”

Jamie had laughed at her for at least half an hour, but in the end, he’d agreed to set up a “boys night” with his friends Greg and Jerr, whom she didn’t like much anyway. They were probably still out drinking, and she wouldn’t see Jamie till at least the next afternoon, unless he was still too hungover then to do anything. Alcohol had always had a bad effect on him.

Knowing Nick, he was probably out partying with the guys too, celebrating the album release. They would most likely be out into the wee hours of the morning, and they had every right to be. They should be proud of their work. The CD really was good, and though she still wasn’t a fan of most of their earlier, bubblegummy songs, she couldn’t deny that she liked the new material. She needed to call Nick and tell him.

Maybe I’ll call now, she thought. Normally she would think it too late, but there was no way Nick would be in bed now, not on this night. He probably wouldn’t answer his phone either, but maybe that was for the best. She could leave a voicemail message, saying how much she liked the album, and leave it at that. She still felt awkward about “Siberia” and his code to her, and the thought of talking about either to him right now made her stomach hurt. What would she say?? It would be better if he just called her back later, giving her some more time to process it all first.

Satisfied with this decision, sure that Nick wouldn’t answer his phone because he was out partying, Claire picked up hers and speed-dialed him. She listened to the phone ring, waiting for his voicemail to kick in.

After a click, she heard his voice… but she knew instantly it wasn’t his voicemail message. All he said was, “Hello?”

Her heart skipped a beat.

***


Rooms full of strangers
Some call me friend
But I wish you were
So close to me…


In the past, album releases for Nick and the guys meant a chance to let loose and party hard, a time to blow off steam and celebrate the many months of work they’d put into their newest pride and joy. This had started to change for some of the group when Black & Blue was released; Brian and Kevin both had wives by then and didn’t stay out as late as they once had. By the time the next album came around, Brian also had Baylee, and AJ was sober and not quite the wild party animal he’d once been. But Nick, who, when their very first album was released, had been well underage, continued to party into the early morning hours when each subsequent album dropped, and Howie was always right there alongside him. Not even early press appearances the next morning had stopped them from staying out late.

But here it was, barely even two a.m., and Nick was already back in his hotel suite. Alone.

Well, he supposed he wasn’t entirely alone. Veronica was there; she was back in the bedroom, sound asleep, while he sat up on the couch in the main room and blearily flipped channels. Which was exactly why he felt alone.

She had gone out with the guys and the other women after the Virgin signing, but when Leighanne and Brian had left the club at eleven to go back to the hotel and call Leighanne’s parents, whom they’d left Baylee with, Veronica had opted to ride with them. “I’m really tired,” she’d told Nick apologetically when he’d protested, pleading with her to stay. “I think I’m just gonna head back and read for a bit before I go to bed.”

No amount of coaxing had persuaded her to stay later; she wasn’t into clubs anyway, as she’d told him, and she didn’t want to drink anymore, and like she’d said, she was tired. He’d known he shouldn’t be, but Nick was annoyed. He’d club-hopped with the others for a few more hours, sulkily knocking back drink after drink while he watched Kevin and Kristin cuddle in a booth, whispering things that only each other could hear… AJ and Mary grind against each other on the dance floor like they were the only two people in the room… Howie flirt with every attractive woman who came up to him…

Kevin and Kristin had split at one, and by one-thirty, Nick had been right behind them. He’d entered the suite to find Veronica asleep. He could feel his own fatigue setting in; it had been a long day, and his busy Backstreet Boy schedule took more out of him these days than it had in years past. He was tired… but he didn’t feel like sleeping. Instead, he had raided the mini-bar and migrated to the couch, where he’d been slouched for the last half hour, scowling at the unappealing selections the TV had to offer.

He was in a bad mood, and he didn’t even know why. The day had gone well, and though they wouldn’t have any estimates on record sales for a few days yet, the people he’d talked to seemed to like the new album. So what was bothering him? Was he really that upset that Veronica had left early? Or was it something else? Maybe it was just the alcohol; the happy buzz he got when he started drinking was long gone, and now he was just drunk and depressed. He hated feeling like this.

Suddenly, his cell phone started to vibrate; he could hear it lightly rattling against the hard socket of his prosthesis through his pocket. He leaned slowly to the side to dig it out and wearily looked at the screen. He had to blink a few times before he could make out the name on his caller ID, but as soon as he did, his movements quickened. He hastily flipped open the phone and put it to his ear.

“Hello?”

***


In the dark of night
Those small hours
I drift away
When I’m with you…


“Nick!” Claire exclaimed on the other end of the line, not hiding her surprise well. She really hadn’t expected him to pick up. Not that she was disappointed he had… she always liked talking to him. But… well… she still hadn’t figured out what to say about the song or the notes, and she knew if she started talking about the album, she wasn’t going to be able to avoid either.

“Claire? What up, girl?” Nick’s voice responded.

Claire smirked; he was slurring his words, and she could tell he’d had a lot to drink. “Umm, not much,” she replied. “I’m not calling at a bad time, am I? It’s late, and I don’t wanna keep you if you’re out.”

“Nah, you’re not… I’m in. Just chillin’ in the hotel.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, in that case, I wanted to tell you – I bought the album today, and I gotta admit, Mr. Popstar… I really like it,” she said honestly.

“Really? Cool, cool. I’m glad ya like it,” replied Nick, his voice casual. “So what’s your favorite song?”

Claire hesitated, biting her lip to hold back the smirk that was starting to form. Finally, she couldn’t help herself; she had to say it. “‘Siberia’,” she answered mischievously, waiting for his reaction.

It took a few beats for it come. Then Nick started singing, “Then my heart did time in Siberia… was waiting for the lie to come true…” Despite his obvious intoxication, his voice was clear and perfectly on pitch (from what she could tell anyway). It gave her chills, listening to it projected into her ear through the phone, knowing he was singing live on the other end. “Yeah, so what’dcha think of that one?” he asked when he cut off, his voice colored with amusement.

“Well…” Claire struggled, not knowing what to say. Finally, she went with the old standard of making it all into a joke. “It’s catchy,” she said, “and clever. Good beat… good story… That girl, man… what a stupid bitch. Just a note left on the stairs? Who would do that?”

It was something she did often in awkward situations, as a way to lighten the mood and cover up her own insecurities. She had come to realize that this habit made her seem more confident than she really was, and as much as she liked that, she knew that sometimes it was just an act. Sure, she’d always been more outgoing than shy, and she really was an easygoing person who liked to laugh and joke around. But underneath her self-assured and sunny façade, there was a woman who was just as plagued with doubts and fears as anyone else. It was only at certain times, and in front of certain people, that she let the façade melt away. Nick was one of those people. She wondered if he would be able to see right through her now, even without actually seeing her.

Nick laughed dryly. “I think I know somebody,” he slurred, his voice rising and falling like the slopes and drops of a rollercoaster. “She’s not a stupid bitch though. She’s just… confused. Temporary insanity; isn’t that what they call it?”

“I plead the fifth,” Claire cracked, though still chewing on her bottom lip. Nick didn’t sound angry; on the contrary, he sounded as if he’d forgiven her. But he also seemed to think she might still change her mind, come around, come back to him. And that bothered her. They were supposed to be over, and she’d moved on. She was with Jamie now, and though she regretted what had happened with Nick, she had no intention of leaving Jamie to go back to him. They just weren’t meant to be, she’d already decided. She thought Nick had finally come to the same conclusion and was moving on as well, but… maybe all of that was just an act on his part. His own little façade.

“So where’s Veronica?” she asked, wanting to change the subject.

“Here. Sleeping.”

“Oh. Did you guys go out tonight to celebrate?”

“Yeah… but she came back early. I just got back a… a little while ago…”

“Oh,” Claire replied again, wishing she could find something more creative to say. Nick didn’t sound very happy, but she was hesitant to ask him about it. It just didn’t feel right to go probing into his new relationship. Maybe someday, when enough time had gone by, they would be able to talk about their significant others just as friends would, but for now, it was too soon. They were friends, but they were also still exes, and that complicated things.

Oh, does it ever complicate things, she thought, remembering the arguments she and Nick had had when they were together, which always seemed to involve Jamie somehow. Jamie, her friend. Jamie, her ex. Jamie, her now again boyfriend. Perhaps Nick had seen something all along, something to which she had been blind up until a few months ago.

“Laureen and I had a girls’ night in,” she told him, deciding to get off the relationship tangent altogether. “We went out and bought copies of your CD together and then went back to her place and had our own little listening party. You shoulda seen her; she was so cute, all excited about the album. And she loved it too, Nick! I’m sure all your fans will.”

“Thanks,” said Nick, sounding slightly happier. “Tell Laureen I said thanks too.”

“I surely will,” promised Claire, and suddenly she knew it was the right moment to bring up the other thing she had not yet brought up. “Hey, speaking of thanks… I was kinda shocked to see my nickname in your liner notes! Thank you… for thanking me. That was sweet.”

“Nothin’ I didn’t mean,” Nick mumbled, and Claire wondered if that applied to everything he’d put in his liner notes. “Did you happen to crack the code?” Yep. That was exactly what she had been thinking of.

“We did…” she answered slowly, biting deeper into her lip. She wished she could leave it at that, but he was prompting her, and she had to say something. Something honest. “Nick, I don’t know what to say. It was… really sweet. But…”

Nick cut her off there. “You don’t have to say anything else, Claire. Don’t give me any ‘buts.’ Just know that I meant it… it’s the truth.”

She nodded silently, glad that he couldn’t see her, for she knew that if he looked into her eyes right then, and she his, she would start to get teary again. And she didn’t want to. She hated crying. She hated feeling as guilty and as confused as she had all evening, ever since she’d listened to the album and read its jacket. He was making her regret leaving him, making her yearn for what they’d had. But what could she do about it?

The truth was, even if she got a wild hair and decided to drop everything right that minute and fly to New York to be with him, they would find themselves in the same place they had been before they’d broken up. She’d be in New York… while the rest of her life was back in Florida and the rest of Nick’s had relocated to California. They’d be faced with the same issue – deal with the distance, or sacrifice everything to be with the other.

And just as before, Claire wasn’t ready to make that sacrifice. Especially not now. She was with Jamie now, and he remained everything she’d always expected the love of her life to be. Not only was he sweet and funny, charming and attractive, and completely devoted to her, but he also led a normal life, had a stable career, and lived in an apartment only a few miles away from hers. He could spend time with her in the evening and on weekends. He could take her on dates without hiding his blue eyes and dark curls with sunglasses and a hat to avoid being recognized; she could go out with him without worrying about being questioned or followed, cameras flashing in her face when she just wanted to be with him, and him only. He could provide her with the stability and normalcy she craved. Nick, though he exceeded her expectations in many ways, could not, and in her mind, she knew she wasn’t meant to be with him, despite her heart’s occasional protests.

She tried to remind herself of this, tried to ward off the tears with common sense, and had just nearly succeeded when she heard him swallow hard over the line.

“I love you, Claire,” he said then, his voice thick. “I love you. I love you…”

Every time he said it, fresh tears sprang into her eyes, as if there were tiny pumps hidden in their ducts. Stop! she wanted beg him, but she couldn’t. Nor could she say the words back, not the way he meant them. She couldn’t... She just couldn’t…

***


In the dark of night
By my side
In the dark of night
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were…


For a few moments, Nick did not breathe. His scarred lungs began to scream for air, but still he held his breath, clutching the phone to his ear, listening, straining to hear any whisper of a word from Claire’s end of the line. But there was nothing. She did not speak. She stayed silent, other than the slightly ragged sounds of her breathing, magnified into his ear through the phone’s speaker.

He slumped. He should have known better than to say it, but in his inebriated state, he couldn’t help it. It was the honest truth. He loved Claire Ryan, and try as he might, he could not stop. And he wanted her to know… in case… in case…

In case what?

“Did you hear me?” he asked loudly into the phone, wishing she’d just talk. “I said, I love you!”

“I heard you.” Her voice was short. “I love you too, Nick… as a friend. My arms are always open too… for a hug from a friend. But that’s it. That’s all we are now, Nick. That’s all we can be.”

“No,” Nick protested. “No, no… We’re meant to be more than that. Remember? We’re meant to be together.”

“I have to go, Nick. It’s late. I’m tired. I’m gonna go to bed,” Claire said, her voice flat.

“You should go to bed with me,” Nick mumbled, raking a hand through his hair. His head felt light and floaty, and even the weight of his hand did little to ground it.

“Goodnight, Nick,” came her curt response, and then he heard a click.

“Claire? Claire?” he murmured, finally lowering his phone and looking at it. He tapped it a few times, as if that would somehow bring her back. Then he gave up and tossed it down, letting his tired body slump over sideways on the couch. He rested his head against its padded arm and closed his eyes. He was sleepy. He wished he could hold her as he drifted off, the way he had when they were together. “Claire…” he mumbled her name through closed lips, digging his fingers into the soft leather sofa like claws.

“Nick?”

The sound of her timid voice caused him to startled. He pulled himself back into a sitting position, swaying a little, and looked over at her, blinking rapidly.

Veronica was standing just inside the room, dressed in her nightie, one of her bare legs crossed shyly over the other. Her thick hair was wild with tangles, her dark eyes bleary from sleep. “Are you coming to bed?” she asked softly.

He studied her for a moment, still seeing Claire in his mind, looking as she did when she woke up – rumpled and endearing in her ratty gray sweatpants and one of his too-big t-shirts. But her image soon vanished, and there was Veronica still. “Nick?” she whispered his name again, her brow furrowed.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m comin’…”

He followed her back in the bedroom and tried to undress. When he fumbled with his shirt buttons and nearly toppled over trying to get his pants off, she quietly came over to help him. Then they slid into bed, back to back, a foot or two of mattress separating their bodies.

As soon as his leaden head sunk down into the soft pillow, Nick started to drift off. He did not even notice that Veronica had not spoken a word to him the whole time they’d been in the room together. Nor did he notice the ragged, tremulous breaths of someone trying hard to cry silently coming from her side of the bed. And by morning, the tearstains on her pillow would be dry.


In the dark of night
These faces, they haunt me
Well, I wish you were
So close to me
Yes, I wish you were
By my side

- “By My Side” by INXS


AN: Thanks to Susan for thinking of these lyrics when I first titled the story… they’ve been a LONG time in coming LOL


***