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Chapter 112


She looks into my eyes, and I’m alive again
And when she says goodbye, I just die again
That’s when my restlessness begins
Please don’t let it win
I’m so tired again
But underneath the haze
One thing still remains the same

She’s the only love I’ve known
And now she’s gone away
She’s the light that brought me to the edge
Will I ever love again?


Being single again had its ups and its downs.

On one hand, without Veronica, Nick realized he was alone again, and that could be a lonely feeling. On the other hand, he realized some days after her departure that Veronica had helped heal some of his wounds as well.

Before she came into his life, the only person he had been with since cancer had taken his leg was Claire. And when Claire had left him, he wasn’t sure he’d ever find anyone else who would want to be with him. Veronica had changed that notion, proving to him that there was hope for love after Claire, that there were other women out there who could admire and accept him. He still missed Claire, and now that things hadn’t worked out with Veronica, he still wondered if he’d ever find another true love… but somehow the horizon seemed brighter this time around.

After all, he was Nick Carter, and after weeks on tour, it was clear that there were still plenty of girls out there who adored him. Some of them seemed to admire him even more, now that he was “so strong” and “such an inspiration.” Whereas during the years he’d been battling his illness, he had tried to avoid the spotlight at all costs, Nick found himself enjoying the attention once again. He loved traveling from city to city, performing show after show, hearing hundreds and thousands of fans screaming for him again and again. It was much harder to lie around wallowing in self-pity when you were on the road and expected to be chipper and energetic on stage every night, and so he didn’t.

Near the end of the US tour, late that fall, Nick fell back into the habit of picking up groupies. It was a habit he’d learned from AJ years and years ago, before AJ had gone to rehab and cleaned up his act. During the Black & Blue tour, after Mandy and before Leah, he’d slept with many groupies he’d met at clubs or occasionally outside the concert venues or hotels or even backstage at meet and greets. It was something the older guys frowned upon and no one ever talked about. It was not something Nick was particularly proud of. But it happened. It was way too hard for a guy in his early twenties to resist the temptations of hot, scantily-clad women throwing themselves at his feet night after night, and at least several times a week, one of them ended up in his hotel bed or on his tour bus.

Fast forward five or six years, and it was still hard for a guy, now in his late twenties, who had lost his leg and his self-confidence, to resist the temptations of women who made him feel wanted. Suddenly, they were just as much of a novelty now as they had been in those early days, and once again, he found himself waking up next to strange women whose names he often times couldn’t remember. He knew that most of them were just gold-diggers or fans who only lusted after him or women who just wanted to say they’d slept with a Backstreet Boy. But he didn’t care. In a way, it made it easier. At night, he didn’t feel so alone, and by day, once they’d gone their separate ways, he was free. Free from the emotional attachment that came with any kind of real relationship.

It wasn’t a healthy routine, but for the time being, he didn’t care. Until he found someone he could have a lasting relationship with, it would have to do.

***

The US leg of the tour came to a close in early December, and the five Backstreet Boys went home for a well-deserved holiday break. Brian and Kevin spent Christmas in Kentucky, as they always did, while Howie and AJ headed to Orlando. Nick had expected to spend the holiday in one of those places, but on Christmas Eve, he found himself in the Florida Keys instead, with his father, brother, and sisters.

He’d gotten the call from Aaron around Thanksgiving – their father had moved out of the house and gone to the old complex in Marathon; their mother had remained behind in LA. After years of familial strife, Bob and Jane Carter were finally calling it quits. They were officially separated now, and Bob had filed for divorce papers a week before Christmas. The Carter family were now divided, on different coasts – Leslie had stayed in California with Jane, but the twins had moved to Florida with Bob. And after a few weeks, the eldest Carter sister, BJ, turned up in the Keys as well.

Nick supposed he should have felt some grief over the whole divorce issue… but instead, he found himself oddly numb to it all. His family had been so fucked up for so long that this was no big surprise. In fact, it was probably a blessing. He was on better terms with his dad, and now he’d be able to see his family without Jane hovering over him all the time, trying to interfere with his life.

When Bob had called to invite him down for Christmas, Nick had surprised even himself by accepting. He hadn’t spent Christmas with his own family in eight years, but with Jane out of the picture, the thought didn’t sound quite so horrible. He hadn’t seen any of his siblings in months, and so he declined Brian and Kevin’s, Howie’s, and AJ’s offers of Christmas with their families and went to Marathon instead.

It had been nice to see his dad and three of his siblings, even if BJ had spent Christmas Eve plastered, and even if they had had their Christmas dinner catered in. But when the new year rolled around, Nick was glad to be leaving Florida again.

One week into 2007, he was back on a plane with the guys, headed for Germany to kick off the European leg of their tour.

***

AN: I want to dedicate this next part to Tanja, our Danish pal who plagiarized one of my fanfics and at least eight others from my site by changing the Boys’ names to that of the group Busted and posted them on a Busted forum as her own. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery… I’m not sure plagiarism is “imitation” as much as it is direct copying and pasting or, to put it bluntly, STEALING. But nevertheless, I like to give people who flatter me with feedback cameos in my stories, and so I thought I should give dear old Tanja a cameo too, in return for her “flattery.” And Tanja, if you happen to read this, just a word of advice – if you decide to steal this story too, don’t forget to change your cameo’s name here – I assume you’ll change Claire to you, and the Busted fans might get confused if there are two Tanjas in the story. Oh, and by the way… if you do steal this story or Broken, and I find out, there will be HELL to pay. Don’t mess with my babies, or I will do my best to make your life miserable. :) And now, back to the story!



Nick awoke slowly, opening and closing his eyes sleepily as he struggled into consciousness. The features of his lavishly-decorated hotel room faded in and out, until he finally decided he was ready to wake up. He pulled himself into a sitting position, looking around. He was used to waking up in a different hotel night after night, but he had to stop and think – where was he?

He scratched his head, his fingers raking through tufts of tangled hair. Copenhagen, he finally decided after a moment. They were in Denmark, and they had today off – no concert that night. That meant a few hours’ free time before they had to catch a flight to the next city, which was… Oslo? He couldn’t remember for sure, but he knew they were headed north to one of the Scandinavian countries next, either Norway or Sweden. Sometimes he got them mixed up.

Nick was feeling pretty good until he felt the mattress move. Startling, he turned and looked down to find a woman stretched out on the other side of the large bed, sound asleep and naked, her bare breasts peeking out of the twisted covers. Nick stared at her for a few seconds, trying to remember her name. Then he looked away and lowered his head to his hand.

He was ashamed. This had to stop, these one-night stands on the road. It wasn’t right, taking advantage of these girls the way he had been. This one couldn’t have been much older than twenty… still young, compared to him, still naïve. He’d met her at a club the night before, bought her a few drinks, and… well… it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what had happened after that. Here she was in his bed, and he couldn’t even think of her name.

With a sigh, he pushed back the covers on his side and swung his leg over the edge of the mattress. He immediately reached for his prosthesis, disconnecting it from its charger, and hastily put it on, knowing he was just going to be taking it off again in a few minutes. He needed a shower; he felt dirty.

He was just about to go into the bathroom when he heard the creak of the mattress and turned to see her stirring. “Mm… Nick?” she murmured, pronouncing his name with a thick Danish accent. She blinked blearily up at him, her hair falling in her eyes. Then she sat up, not bothering to cover her naked upper body, and looked around. “Last night was… fun,” she said, smiling.

He forced a smile back, though it pained him to do so. “Yeah,” he said flatly. “Listen, um…” He trailed off, still searching his brain for her name. He had to have learned it at some point the night before…

“Tanja,” she supplied after a moment, smirking.

“Tanja. Sorry.” He blushed sheepishly.

“No worries, Nick Carter. I don’t expect you to remember, for as much as we had to drink last night. My head gives me pain too,” she groaned, closing her eyes as she gently massaged her temples. After a moment, her eyes popped open again. “I need a cigarette.”

She leaned over the side of the bed and hoisted her extraordinarily large purse up onto the mattress. The bag was bulky, seemingly chock full with stuff, but after rummaging through it for a few seconds, she emerged with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She expertly slid a cigarette out of the pack and flicked the lighter. Once… twice… The lighter wouldn’t light. “Oh no,” she sighed. “It’s busted.” She looked up at him hopefully. “Do you have a light?”

“Uhh, hang on.” Nick found his backpack and dug around in it until he found what he was looking for – a lighter that looked like Bowser, of Super Mario Brothers fame. He wasn’t sure why he carried it around with him because he didn’t usually smoke, but it did come in handy every once in awhile. “Here ya go,” he said, flicking it until it sparked. Tanja held her cigarette to the flame that appeared and then took a long drag.

“Would you like one?” she asked, offering him the pack.

Why not, thought Nick resignedly, taking one for himself and lighting up. It wasn’t like this situation was shady enough as it was. He put the lit cigarette to his mouth and inhaled slowly, feeling the calming smoke fill his lungs. It relaxed his nerves, and as he exhaled, he said, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

He didn’t want to get back on the bed with her, so he perched in a chair instead, and they sat smoking in silence for awhile. Finally, Nick put out his cigarette and stood. “I’m gonna take a shower,” he said. “We’re gonna be heading out pretty soon, so, uh…” He trailed off, wishing he could think of a polite way to tell her to leave. This morning after business was terrible; he didn’t want to sit around and talk to some random girl he barely know. Shouldn’t have slept with her then, Nicky Boy, he chided himself.

“Oh… yes... I should be going too,” replied Tanja, nodding. “I just need to… find my clothes…” She looked around as she finished her cigarette and then started picking up articles of clothing from the floor.

“Take your time,” Nick said with a casual wave, stepping over a used condom as he made his way into the bathroom. He hoped she would be gone by the time he got out of the shower; she seemed nice enough, but he didn’t really want to face her again. She, like all the other girls, just reminded him of how pathetic he was. He couldn’t seem to get over Claire enough to maintain another steady, meaningful relationship, and most chicks tended not to get turned on by a guy with only one leg, so he slept with the ones whom he knew still wanted to get in his pants no matter what – the fans. The groupies. It really was pathetic and wrong, but he did it anyway.

I’m a loser, he thought as he took off his artificial leg and literally hopped into the shower. He could smell the cigarette smoke rising off his skin as the hot water ran over it, and he shook his head. The people closest to him would be so ashamed in him if they knew he’d started acting like this again… drinking every night, banging groupies, smoking. All of those things were habits of the old Nick Carter. The often-arrogant popstar who’d once thought he was on top of the world. The new Nick Carter, the one who had been knocked on his ass by cancer, knew better. He knew what was really important in life and wasn’t. These vices… the booze, the smokes, the skanks… they weren’t worth it. They weren’t worth jeopardizing his health and his future over. He knew all of that, and yet, he still kept doing it. He was an asshole.

He stood under the hot spray for a long time, as if the steamy water would wash away the dirtiness on the inside as well as out. And as he stood there, savoring the feel of the soft, soapy water flowing over his body, he thought. He thought about Claire. He wasn’t sure why she suddenly popped into his mind, because he hadn’t talked to her since sometime over the holidays, but she did. He wished she were there, on tour with him. If only things had worked out between them… they would be married by now. She’d be touring with him, and he’d be showing her the world. Each morning, he would wake up to her, not some random groupie.

He knew Claire would be appalled if she could see what he’d been doing. He was a better person when he was around her. Without even trying, she had made him better; she had completed him. Sometimes he felt so incomplete without her… and it had nothing to do with his leg now. He’d tried to move on, but it had been over a year since Claire had left, and he still found himself missing her. Would he ever find another woman who could make him feel the way she had?


She walked into my life, and my world was still
She reached into my soul, and all my doubts were killed
That’s when my loneliness subsided
She gave me the will
I could fight it
But nothing can erase the one thing that remains the same

She’s the only love I’ve known
And now she’s gone away
She’s the light that brought me to the edge
Will I ever love again?


After nearly twenty minutes, he finally turned off the water and got out of the shower. He came out of the bathroom a few minutes later to find Tanja sitting on the floor in front of his suitcase, sorting through it!

“What the hell are you doing?!” he cried immediately, dropping his dirty boxers and starting towards her.

Tanja looked up in surprise, her face paling. “Uh… n-nothing,” she stammered. “I was... I just… You see-“

“Are you going through my stuff??” he asked angrily, looking more closely at the scene in front of him. Her own bag was sitting next to his suitcase, looking more crammed full than ever. “What did you put in there??” he demanded, pointing to the bag.

“Uhh…”

“Lemme see it! Right now!” he shouted. When the girl didn’t move, he snatched it up himself and took it over to the bed. There he proceeded to dump its contents all over the bedspread. Right away, he spotted several of his own possessions, from articles of clothing (including a pair of boxers) to his wallet, sketchbook, and even the Nintendo lighter. And mixed in with that were other items which he quickly discovered could not be hers. He found a badge belonging to an employee at a cabin resort in the Alps; the picture of the woman on the front was clearly not Tanja, and her name was Amy. There was also a credit card; of course, this one did not have a face to judge from, but the first name of the cardholder was Jaydee, not Tanja. His wallet was not the only one in the bag; there was another, clearly a woman’s billfold. The leather was branded with the name Stephanie, and he flipped it open to find it fully loaded with more credit cards, a checkbook, and pictures of a little boy.

Nick shook his head, disgusted at the realization that she must have pickpocketed all of these things. But there was even more still. A bus pass for a woman named Whitney. A set of car keys with a personalized keychain that said Susan. A heart-shaped locket engraved with the name Melissa. And even an envelope of newly-developed photographs, all of the beach and the ocean. A form from the store that had developed the film was stapled to the envelope, and he was not surprised to find that the name of the customer was not Tanja.

“You… you don’t understand-“ Tanja started, her accent growing thicker as her voice rose with desperation, but Nick shook his head and cut her off.

“Let me guess – you got some film developed for a girl named Julie?” he asked sarcastically, holding up the package of ocean prints. “And this necklace… a present for your friend Melissa? And I guess you were just borrowing your buddy Susan’s car?”

Tanja didn’t say anything else; her head was down so that he could not see her eyes.

“No,” Nick continued, “you were probably trying to steal it. Just like you must have stolen all of this from these people. Like to pickpocket the American tourists, huh? Well, I’ve got news for you – I’m not just some tourist, and I will be pressing charges for this.”

Less than an hour later, Tanja was being led away from the hotel in handcuffs, arrested on charges of credit card theft.

“What the hell happened, Nick??” cried Kevin, who had come to see what all the commotion was.

Nick just shook his head. “I’ll explain on the plane,” he muttered, not at all looking forward to telling Kevin that while he’d been sleeping with his wife in the suite next door, Nick had been banging another not-so-innocent groupie.

That was the last one-night stand he had in Europe.


So just tell me what I should do
I left everything for you
And I can hardly breathe
Cause I know I lost you from my world
From my…

She’s the only love I’ve known
And now she’s gone away
She’s the light that brought me to the edge
Will I ever love again?

- “She’s” by Ryan Cabrera


***