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Chapter 130


AN: Thanks to Lynsey and Bianca for the song suggestions!


My life is brilliant; my love is pure
I saw an angel; of that, I’m sure…


For just a moment, a flame had burst forth from the smoking embers of hope Nick had once held in his heart, hope for Claire and his love. For just a moment, a spark of life had returned to that hope, as Claire, standing at the edge of the altar, hand in hand with her brand new husband, had met his eyes.

Something had been there, he thought. He hadn’t been able to see her eyes up close from the back of the church, but he had sensed it, an explosion of the emotional chemistry they had always shared. It had made his heart skip a beat, his breath catch in his throat, and his whole body freeze, except for the tingling surge of sudden energy that flowed through it.


You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true…


Then she had looked away, her eyes dropping as Jamie helped her down the steps in her big dress, and the moment was gone.

But he wasn’t going crazy, Nick had thought, watching her closely as she made her way back up the aisle towards him. Look at me, he’d urged her silently. Look at me; let me know it wasn’t just me and my wishful thinking.

She hadn’t looked at him.

But in a way, that had him more convinced that something, something, had happened. She had deliberately not looked at him again because she knew it too. She’d felt it too, the old surge of electricity that had sparked between their matched gazes, and she was afraid to look at him again, as she walked out of the church with the man she supposedly loved, the man she’d chosen over him.

The wrong choice, Nick had thought excitedly, as he stood to file out with the other guests. You made the wrong choice, and even if you won’t admit to it now, even if you don’t fully realize it yet, you know, deep down. You know…

But now, at the reception, the fire of hope had been snuffed out again. Everywhere he looked, it was Jamie & Claire. Jamie & Claire on the place cards at the tables, Jamie & Claire on the candle and flower arrangements, Jamie & Claire on the little bags of mints, Jamie & Claire on the banner strung over the DJ’s booth… their names were everywhere, always connected by that compulsory “and.” They were one now, a package deal, Jamie & Claire, forever tied together by the vows they’d taken to one another. Their names, engraved in elegant script on the personalized decorations, served as a constant reminder to Nick that no matter what he thought, no matter what he still felt, Claire had chosen Jamie. Nick & Claire was a thing of the past. Jamie & Claire was her future.


I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you…


As he looked around at all the Jamie & Claire’s and all the people he didn’t know, Nick felt out of place, like perhaps he was wrong to have come after all. He only knew a few people at the wedding, and most of them were in the wedding party or sitting at a table near the front of the reception hall that had been reserved for the rest of Claire’s family. Her father was sitting there now, while her mother made her way around the party, mingling with everyone, and Nick also recognized her grandparents from Baltimore, the set who had come to Thanksgiving dinner at his house.

Claire must have realized he wouldn’t know anyone because she had placed him at a table with those he did – the oncology nurses and Casey’s family. Cancer: the tie that binds, he thought ruefully, realizing that the only common acquaintances they had, those who were not close friends of one or the other, were those who had been involved in the ordeal they’d gone through together. Looking around at their faces, faces he was not used to seeing outside of a hospital, he couldn’t help but be reminded of all the bad times, bad times, which, nonetheless, had brought him and Claire together.

Despite the bad memories, despite how much it hurt to look at Meredith and Catherine Brenner and see Casey, Nick was glad he was sitting among friendly faces, rather than strangers. He joined in on their small talk, finding it interesting that, after they’d asked politely about his health, everyone avoided the one subject they all had in common. Nick was relieved, especially with Casey’s family there. He was depressed enough as it was, and having to talk about Casey would only have made him feel worse.

Of course, Claire was the only other thing they all had in common, and since it was her wedding reception, she naturally became the most popular topic of conversation. None of them really knew Jamie, and when they realized that Nick did, he was soon stuck answering their questions about how the two had met, how long they’d been dating, where they were going on their honeymoon, and so on.

It wasn’t long before he’d had enough. “Excuse me,” he told the table politely and got up, leaving in search of the men’s room or any other place in which he could hide out for awhile. He thought about just leaving, but he knew he shouldn’t. The wedding party hadn’t even arrived yet, and then there was still dinner and cake and dancing, and… ugh. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get through a few more hours of this.

The large room suddenly seemed stifling, and he tugged at the collar of his shirt as he strode towards the doors, anxious to get out into the open hallway. But as usual, his timing sucked, for just as he reached the door, he found himself face to face with none other than the infamous Claire & Jamie.

The wedding party had finally arrived, fresh from their photos at the church, and Claire’s eyes were just as large and round as his must have been, not hiding her surprise at seeing him first.


Yeah, she caught my eye as we walked on by
She could see from my face that I was fucking high
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again
But we shared a moment that will last till the end…


“Nick!” she exclaimed, a blush rising on her cheeks.

Nick was even more flustered, not only from the surprise of nearly running into her in the doorway, but with the staggering realization of how much lovelier she looked up close. She had looked beautiful from afar in the church, but now that he was right in front of her, he was blown away. Her make-up was flawless, yet not overdone, making her skin look like smooth porcelain and her blue eyes shine more than ever, and even he, who cared nothing about fashion, could appreciate how pretty her wedding dress was, as he admired the intricate beadwork on its bodice.


You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true…


He quickly looked back up, realizing it probably seemed like he was ogling her chest. Indeed, Jamie was staring hard at him through narrowed eyes, a hint of his usual smirk on his lips.

“H-hey,” he managed to croak, and immediately felt stupid, wishing he had more to say. But what was there? Congratulations? The wedding was beautiful? Yeah, right. He knew none of that would sound natural coming from his mouth.

“Hi!” Claire squeaked, breaking into a grin. “Wow, this isn’t at all awkward, is it?” Laughing, she reached out and touched his arm very lightly. “I’m glad to see you though. Thanks for coming; it means a lot to me.”

“Yeah, thanks for coming, man,” echoed Jamie stiffly and extended his hand.

“You’re welcome,” replied Nick, souring as he looked from Claire to Jamie and reluctantly shook his hand. “Congrats,” he added, though the effort to sound sincere was rather weak.

“Thanks,” Jamie said, looking happier this time, as he put his arm around Claire’s waist. “Well, we need to get in there before they form a bottleneck back there,” he added, glancing over his shoulder at the rest of the wedding party, who had congregated in the hall. “Nice to see you, Nick,” he said curtly, giving Nick a short nod as he and Claire walked past him.

“I’ll talk to you later,” she mouthed over his shoulder, giving him an exasperated smile, as her groom escorted her into the reception hall.

Nick returned the smile tightly and stepped back to let the rest of the wedding party pass. He nodded to Claire’s brother and the bridesmaids he recognized, saving a special wave for Laureen, whose face lit up when she saw him. “Hi, Nick!” she chirped quickly, trying to keep in step with the groomsman who escorted her.

Realizing that the “festivities” would begin now that the bride and groom had arrived, Nick decided to save his escape to the bathroom for later and stopped by the bar instead, returning to his table with a Jack and Coke in hand. He’d probably be drinking Jack Daniels straight by the time the night was over, he realized, smirking to himself as he sat back down.

Sure enough, by the time he’d gotten through the awkward small talk over dinner, the nauseating toasts from Dianna and Jamie’s brother Brad about what a perfect couple Jamie and Claire were, and the cutting of the cake, during which the newlyweds had shoved cake in each other’s faces and giggled as they kissed it off, Nick was very thankful for his good friend Jack, who had gotten him too buzzed to really care. He sat back in his seat, his head swimming, and thought “Fuck it,” to everything – the wedding, the reception, Claire, Jamie, the maid of honor, the best man, the DJ who kept playing cheesy love songs from the 80s, the bartender who had tried to cut him off the last time he’d gone for a refill…

He just didn’t care anymore.

Or at least he didn’t until the lights dimmed, and the DJ announced that it was time for the bride and groom’s first dance together as husband and wife. Even in his intoxicated stupor, he was all too aware of the familiar pangs of jealousy stabbing his heart, as he watched Jamie lead Claire out onto the dance floor.


I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you…


Then, with mounting horror, he recognized the song that came over the speakers. It was “This I Promise You,” by none other than ‘NSync.

It was the ultimate slam. Nick felt his heart sink, as Jamie put his arm around Claire’s waist and his hand around hers. Pretty, colored lights twirled over their heads, casting patterns across the wooden floorboards as the couple turned and swayed, his arms tight around her, her head draped on his shoulder. The fact that they were dancing to the sound of Justin Timberlake’s nasally voice whining incredibly cheesy lyrics made it twice as torturous for Nick.

He glared hard at the couple and washed away the hard lump in his throat with a swig of whiskey, burning it into numbness. He blamed the moisture in his eyes on the sting of the hard liquor, not the dull ache in his heart.

As the obnoxious boyband ballad continued, the wedding party joined the bride and groom, the groomsmen pairing off with the bridesmaids. Nick felt a strange sense of satisfaction as he realized that, aside from Kyle and Amber, none of them looked nearly as happy as Jamie and Claire. Dianna danced with Jamie’s older brother, and Laureen looked bored with the guy she’d been paired with, one of Jamie’s friends, no doubt. As the dark-haired guy rotated her slowly in place, she suddenly spotted Nick and, as their eyes met, made a face over the groomsman’s shoulder, her head tipping very subtly in the direction of the DJ’s booth.

Nick caught the message and grinned, glad that at least one person could sympathize with him about the choice of music. Doubting that anyone else was looking at him right then, he contorted his face into a constipated look, imitating Justin singing with some exaggerated mouthing and weird facial expressions. Through squinted eyes, he saw Laureen clap her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. Then she and her dance partner turned the other way, and he could no longer see her face. Still, he grinned in secret, amused with himself, and took another long swallow from his whiskey glass.

“Let’s have a round of applause for the newlyweds, Jamie and Claire Turner!” urged the DJ over his microphone as the ‘NSync song finally faded. The reception hall broke into applause, but Nick didn’t join in, grateful that everyone else at his table was too busy looking at the dance floor to notice. He didn’t want it to seem obvious that he was bitter and jealous, but clapping for Jamie and Claire after they’d just danced to an ‘NSync song was something he could not bring himself to do. So he threw back the rest of his drink instead.

We’ll call it a toast, he thought with a smirk, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Alright, ladies and gents, the dance floor is now open! Come on out and show some love!” bellowed the DJ in his cheesy radio voice. Nick groaned. His table started to clear, as the nurses who were there with their husbands or boyfriends got up and went out onto the dance floor. He was left with Casey’s mother and sister and a couple of older women he didn’t know.

After a couple of songs, Catherine started getting antsy. “I wanna dance too. Dance with me, Mommy!” the seven-year-old kept saying, tugging on her mother’s hand.

Mrs. Brenner cast a hesitant look at the dance floor, and Nick could tell she didn’t really want to go out on it, despite her daughter’s begging. Even two years after Casey’s death, the woman still had the same tired, beaten down look she’d had near the end of his fight. Nick had to wonder what she’d been through these last two years. Losing a child had to be one of the hardest things in the world. He didn’t know that firsthand, but he did know how hard it was to go on with your life after a tragic event. Despite losing her son, she was still the mother to another young child, a divorced, single mother at that. It had to have been tough for her; Nick could see the toll it had taken in the premature lines around her eyes and mouth.

As Catherine grew more persistent, he could see Mrs. Brenner getting more frazzled, and finally, he decided to intervene. Pushing his chair back, he stood up and walked around to their side of the round table. “Hey, Catherine?” he asked, holding out his hand to the little girl. “Will you dance with me? I don’t have a girl to dance with, and I’ll look stupid dancing out there by myself.”

Catherine stopped her whining very suddenly and looked up at him, her eyes wide. Smiling down at her upturned face, he could see Casey in her features. It was a little unnerving at first, but he reminded himself that she was her own person, one who was in serious need of some adult attention right now.

Over her daughter’s shoulder, Mrs. Brenner gave Nick an appreciative smile and a nod. He glanced at her briefly, offering a quick wink in return, before focusing back on Catherine. “So what do you say? Will you, or am I gonna have to go sit in the corner by myself until a girl asks me?”

Catherine grinned at his silliness. “Okay, I will, but first you have to say, ‘May I have this dance?’ That’s what a gentleman would say,” she explained matter-of-factly, and he smiled at the way she emphasized the word gentleman.

“Oh, right, my bad. A lady like you deserves a real gentleman, so here goes: Catherine, may I have this dance?” he quoted her, extending his hand again.

“Yes, you may,” Catherine chirped cutely, performing some kind of bobbing curtsey before sliding her little hand into his big one.

I’m dancing with a seven-year-old, thought Nick in amusement, as he led her onto the dance floor. He wasn’t sure exactly how this was going to work, seeing as how he was at least two feet taller than her and couldn’t exactly bend down easily with his artificial knee. But Catherine didn’t seem to find anything wrong with this; she turned towards him, took both of his hands, and started swinging them back and forth as she rocked from foot to foot, the little girl version of slow dancing.

He went with it, even had fun with it, turning them in circles, twirling her under his arm; he even dipped her once, which, giggling, she made him do over and over again until his arm started to ache from holding her up.

After another love ballad, a more upbeat song began to play, and a voice behind him asked, “Hey, can I join you two?”

“Claire!” Catherine exclaimed, her eyes lighting up.

His stomach flip-flopping, Nick turned around. “Claire,” he echoed, smiling weakly.

She smiled back. “Nick. I know you’ve already found a pretty girl to dance with, but do you think she’d mind if I danced too? My groom seems to have found someone else to dance with.”

Nick looked around and saw Jamie dancing with Dianna. At the same time, Catherine spoke up, “I don’t mind! Dance with us!” She let go of one of Nick’s hands and grabbed Claire’s instead. Following suit, Nick offered his free hand to Claire, who took it, smiling.

The three of them danced in a circle, holding hands, and Nick wasn’t sure who looked the silliest. First, there was Catherine, who was lost in her own little world of boogie, dancing freely without a care as to who was watching, a quality only children and a few adults possessed. Then there was Claire, who seemed almost as carefree, twisting and shimmying in her big white wedding dress and bare feet; apparently she’d ditched the white heels for dancing. And finally, there was him, all loosened up from the alcohol, except for his stiff, metal leg. Still, the freeness of the two females, coupled with his buzz, rubbed off on him, and he danced anyway, as best he could, not caring whether or not he looked stupid. Wedding receptions were a good place to dance stupid without getting weird looks.

When the song ended and another ballad began, Catherine let out a loud groan. “Not another slow song! I like fast songs!”

Claire bent down to her height. “You know what fast song I like? ‘The Hokey Pokey.’ You know that one?”

The little girl’s eyes lit up. “Yeah!”

“See the DJ over there?” Claire asked, pointing. “I’m sure he has ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ and I bet he’d play it for us if someone asked. How about you go ask him to play it?”

“Really? Okay!” Catherine exclaimed agreeably and took off.

As soon as she was gone, Nick and Claire exchanged glances, and she winked. “I hoped that would work,” she confessed. “I didn’t want to steal her man, but I was hoping I could have this dance. Just me.” She raised her eyebrows, silently questioning him.

He smiled. “Of course. But ya know, I really should be the one asking you – that’s what a gentleman would do,” he explained, taking a page out of Catherine’s book. “So… Claire – or should I say, Mrs. Turner –“ He paused, throwing up in his mouth a little. Swallowing away the bad taste, he forced another smile and finished, “May I have this dance?”

“You certainly may,” she beamed, laying her hand in his and putting her other arm on his shoulder. He slid his free hand around her waist, his palm gliding smoothly over the silky satin, and they started to rock back and forth. After a few seconds, she looked up at him and said, “So… that ‘NSync song? Don’t even ask me what was up with that. I certainly didn’t pick it. And I would have requested something else, but… I dunno, I didn’t want to make a scene right before our big dance. I just don’t want you to think-“

“It’s okay,” Nick cut her off, offering a smirk. “Now if you were dancing with me, and that song came on, I would have made a scene. But since it was just Jamie…”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m wondering if he’s the one who requested it,” she said. “That’d be such a Jamie thing to do.”

Surprised to hear her say that, Nick gave her a long, hard look, studying her closely. Could she see that side of Jamie too? The side of him that would request an ‘NSync song for his first dance with his wife, just to spite her last boyfriend? If she could, why had she just gotten married to the guy?? He wanted to ask, but even under the influence of alcohol, he knew it was a bad idea. He couldn’t start questioning her marriage in the middle of her wedding reception; he’d only make her upset.

So instead, all he said was, “If he did, you should smack him for ruining your dance, cause that is one shitty song.”

“I know,” she giggled, and any tension in the air around them dissipated.

They fell into silence after that, each seeming to enjoy the soothing rhythm of their slow dance. Nick enjoyed it anyway, but at the same time, every time he looked at her in her white wedding dress, he got the same wave of panic, the sweeping realization that this was all wrong. Her in his arms, wearing a wedding dress… that part seemed right. But the situation was wrong. This should have been their wedding reception, his and Claire’s. He should have been the groom, not the… the pathetic friend who was getting a pity dance from the bride.


You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you…


“Are you okay?” he heard Claire asked softly and felt her fingertips grazing his cheek.

He realized he’d been frowning and didn’t know what to tell her. No, he wasn’t okay? No, he couldn’t handle being here because he was still in love with her? That was the truth, but he couldn’t be honest, not here, not now, not to her. So he pasted a tight smile onto his face and said, “Fine.”

She didn’t believe him, he could tell, but she let it drop, looking just past him as they danced. She probably knew what was going on and why he wasn’t okay, but she didn’t want to talk about it either. It was just awkward, especially here.


But it’s time to face the truth:
I will never be with you


He didn’t let go of her right away when the song ended; they kept dancing, even as the next song began. But as the sound of crescendoing chimes filled the reception hall, Nick suddenly stiffened. He knew this song, all too well.

It was one of his own.

“I can see that you’ve been crying…” Brian’s tender voice drifted from the speakers. All of a sudden, Claire looked up, her eyes startled as they met his. She had recognized it too.

“This is…” She stopped, grinning up at him. “This is one of your songs.”

He grinned back. “’More Than That.’”

“’More Than That,’ right… I remem-“ All of a sudden, Claire stopped, stopped talking and dancing and everything, and looked hard at him, the expression on her face changing. She wasn’t smiling anymore. “I… I can’t do this,” she said, pulling her hand out of his. “I’m sorry, Nick; will you excuse me?”

Before he could even answer, she was out of his arms, hurrying off in the direction of the bar. He frowned after her, momentarily confused. It didn’t hit him until the chorus, and then, all of a sudden, he understood. “I will love you more than that…” She had connected it to him… to him and to Jamie, to him thinking he could love her better than Jamie. He hadn’t had to say anything about how he thought she was making a mistake; in her mind, the song had spoken for him.

He watched after her helplessly, wanting to tell her that he hadn’t requested this song any more than she had requested the ‘NSync one. But maybe she already knew that. Maybe she knew, yet still couldn’t handle dancing with him to this particular song.

Although, he thought, raising his eyebrow as he watched the bartender hand her a glass of wine, if she were confident about her marriage, she would be able to, right? It’s just a song.

He was still standing in the middle of the dance floor, considering this, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find Laureen standing behind him, a crooked smile on her face. “Hey!” he exclaimed, realizing he hadn’t talked to her all night.

“Hi! So that didn’t look good…” Laureen said, glancing in the direction Claire had gone.

Following her line of sight, Nick grimaced. “Yeah… gee, I’m not used to getting rejected for a slow dance to one of my songs,” he replied, forcing a smile. “I think that’s like a new low in patheticness.”

Laureen cringed. “I’m sorry. I just thought we needed some BSB after that ‘NSync crap that was playing earlier.”

Nick started to laugh. “You requested this??”

Smiling coyly, Laureen nodded. “Sorry it scared Claire off though.”

“That’s okay.” Nick shrugged. “She was bound to run off soon anyway. She’s the bride; she’s got plenty of other people to dance with.”

“Well, I don’t. Except for Greg, the groomsman I got paired with, but… he seems like kind of a jerk,” said Laureen, wrinkling her nose.

Nick grinned and offered her his hand. “Well, would you like to dance with me then?”

“I surely would,” Laureen replied, grinning back. She took his hand, and he put his arm around her waist, drawing her closer to him. Putting her other hand on his shoulder as they started to sway, Laureen looked up at him and sighed, “Claire just can’t appreciate this… dancing with Nick Carter, to a Backstreet Boys song. It’s a chance of a lifetime.”

Nick laughed and, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, sang along to Brian’s part, just loud enough for Laureen to hear. “I will love you more than that; I won’t say the words, then take… them… back…” When he opened his eyes again, she was beaming up at him, her cheeks bright pink.

She’s adorable, he thought, realizing he didn’t mind that she was a fan. Sometimes it was a turn-off, the whole “Ohmygod, you’re Nick Carter!!!” thing, but with Laureen, he found it sort of cute and flattering. It was nice to be appreciated, and somehow, perhaps because she was a friend of Claire’s, he didn’t think of her as just a fan. She was more like a friend who just happened to love his music.

“More Than That” ended, and a new song began, and Nick and Laureen kept on dancing, without bothering to ask each other if they wanted to. Laureen was quiet, but every time their eyes met, her whole face seemed to shine, which made him smile. He was just glad to have found a friendly face, someone older than the age of seven that he could dance with while Claire was off sipping wine with her new husband.

Before long, the DJ’s voice came over the mic again. “I’ve had a request from little Miss Catherine, for a song that some of you kids may know. Does anyone like… ‘The Hokey Pokey’?” All of the little kids in the vicinity cheered and immediately swarmed onto the dance floor, while the adults exchanged smiles at their enthusiasm. “Let’s make a big circle out here on the dance floor,” directed the DJ, coming out from around his booth, clearing the center of the floor.

Laureen looked at Nick. “You wanna grab a drink and sit down for awhile?” she asked.

He knew what she was thinking and appreciated the understanding, but he had a feeling he’d be seeing Catherine again… any minute…

Sure enough, as if on cue, she came up, screaming, “Nick, Nick! They’re gonna play the ‘Hokey Pokey’ now!!” She grabbed his hand, tearing him away from Laureen, and pulled him into a spot in the circle. At that point, he knew he could not refuse. He waved Laureen over. She smiled in amusement, her tongue poking between her teeth, and came over to join him on the other side.

Across the circle, his eyes were immediately drawn to Claire, who was like a beacon in her shiny white dress. She had joined the circle with none other than Jamie, laughing as she held onto his hand. Nick smirked; for some reason, imagining a guy like Jamie doing the Hokey Pokey was almost as funny as the thought of him doing it. But not quite. Jamie did have a leg up on Nick… literally…

The cheesy ‘Hokey Pokey’ music, which Nick had not heard since his childhood, began, and the DJ bopped around in the middle of the dance floor, urging the guests to join in. “Ready, everyone?” he called about the music, as the lyrics began. “You put your right foot in…”

Nick balanced on his prosthesis as he put his right foot in and out, grabbing Laureen’s shoulder for support as he “shook it all about.” The left foot was a little more difficult to maneuver, especially the whole “shaking all about” part, but he adapted. Three years ago, he wouldn’t have been caught dead trying to do the Hokey Pokey, but now, standing between an amused Laureen and an enthusiastic Catherine, it was actually kind of fun… and hilarious, in an awkward sort of way. Granted, he was in that happy drunk state when most things are funny.

On the other side of the circle, Claire caught his eye and gave him a discrete thumbs-up as she put her right hand in. He had a different hand gesture he wanted to give to her husband, but he kept it to himself while Claire was watching.

Everyone clapped when the song ended, and Nick turned to Laureen. “How about that drink?” he asked in her ear.

Smiling, she nodded. They sent Catherine back to her mother and headed for the bar. “Mind grabbing me a beer?” he asked. “The bartender sorta cut me off awhile ago.”

Laureen giggled. “You bad boy, getting drunk at Claire’s wedding. Gee, I can’t imagine why...” She gave him a sympathetic smile and headed off for the bar, returning with the beer he had requested and a glass of blush wine for herself. As they sat down at his table, she turned to him and asked, “So how are you doing with all of this? It’s gotta be pretty hard, right? I mean, I know it’s been a couple of years since you and Claire broke up, but still… it’s never easy seeing an ex move on… especially when they get married.”

He gave her a crooked smile and took a long swallow of his beer. “Yeah, well… I can’t pretend I’m having the time of my life here. But hey, the Hokey Pokey was fun.”

She laughed. “You were great! I was impressed.”

“Thanks,” he chuckled and held up his drink. “Booze works wonders. I don’t think I would have attempted that sober.”

“Well, I’m glad you did. I had fun too,” she replied, and they both smiled.

***

Out on the dance floor, the DJ had announced the father-daughter dance. Aside from her first dance with Jamie, this was the moment Claire had been looking forward to the most. She drifted into her father’s arms as a country song, “I Loved Her First” by Heartland, started to play over the speakers. Like a gentleman, he took one of her hands in his big rough palm and put his other hand on her waist, leading her smoothly. For such a brawny man, Kris Ryan was actually quite graceful on the dance floor, and as he led her in a slow waltz, she smiled, imagining him dancing with her mother this way on their wedding day.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look?” his deep voice rumbled in her ear as he reached out to tuck a loose tendril of her hair behind her ear.

She grinned. “A few times, in fact. I think you’re starting to go senile.”

“No,” her dad countered, winking, “I just can’t say it enough. It’s hard to believe you’re grown up enough to get married.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled, touched by his sentiment. Sometimes she found it hard to believe too. It seemed like just yesterday, she was still a little girl, rolling around in the yard with him and Kyle as they taught her the ins and outs of football, clamoring onto her daddy’s lap whenever she got the chance. She had always been a daddy’s girl, and though she and her mother had gotten closer as she’d grown older, she imagined that, despite her mother’s tears, this day had actually been harder on her dad.

“I can’t believe it either,” she admitted, smiling, as she looked around for Jamie. She found him sitting at a table with his mother, waiting for their turn to dance. He was watching her and smiled when he caught her looking at him. Feeling a girlish tingle rush through her, she beamed back. My husband, she thought in disbelief, the way she’d been doing all night. Here she was, in her wedding dress, dancing with her dad, the father of the bride, and it still seemed surreal, like a dream.

“I believe it,” her father smiled back. “When you and Jamie were together back in the day, your mom and I always thought he might be the one. And after all you’ve been through, here the two of you are… husband and wife. I’m glad he finally came to his senses and came back to you.”

Claire laughed. “Me too.” She knew her father had always had a special place in his heart for Jamie, who had been almost like another son to him when they were friends in high school. Now he was almost like the prodigal son, who had returned to grace after leaving her. Her parents, always overprotective of her, had been hesitant at first, afraid of seeing her hurt by him again, but eventually they had welcomed Jamie back into their family with open arms.

As she waltzed around the dance floor with her father, it seemed everyone, not just them, was in perfect harmony. Her family and her new husband were on good terms, and Nick, while perhaps not thrilled with her marriage, had come to the wedding nonetheless. Even Tim, her brief fling before Nick, had shown. Everyone seemed to be getting along, and she could not have asked for a nicer wedding.

Her mind free from all the stress of the months of planning for this day, she let herself enjoy the dance, taking in the lyrics of the song and smiling at how well they seemed to fit.

“… How could that beautiful woman with you
Be the same freckle-faced kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

“I loved her first, I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed, when she first smiled at me
I knew that the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she’d find you someday
But it’s still hard to give her away
I loved her first…”

Imagining her father thinking these things of her, Claire gave him a tender smile and leaned close, planting a kiss on his ruddy cheek. “Love you, Daddy,” she whispered.

She felt his hand tighten around her waist as he pulled her in for a hug, whispering back into her ear, “Love you too, sweetie.”

Claire was not a crier and had made it through most of the day without tears (except the vows, of course), but as she thought about all that they had seen each other through over the last few years, her illness, his heart attack, she felt her eyes well up, more than grateful for this dance.

On the next slow song, Jamie brought his mother, Joanne, out for a dance, and Claire danced with her brother. After that, it was time to throw her bouquet and garter. “Where are all the single ladies?” asked the DJ, as Jamie helped Claire onto a chair, handing her the bridal bouquet, all gorgeous blooms of purple and lavender, with tiny white blossoms and baby’s breath scattered among them. “Come on, girls, don’t be shy! Come on out and get ready to catch the bride’s bouquet! You know what they say – the one who catches it will be the next to get married. Who’s feeling lucky tonight?”

With the DJ’s cajoling, the floor space before Claire soon filled up with women and girls, from Casey’s little sister Catherine to three of her four bridesmaids, Dianna fighting for a spot in the center. Claire watched in amusement, and when everyone seemed to be in place, she turned around on the chair and counted off, “One… two… three!” Tossing the bouquet haphazardly over her shoulder, she looked back in time just to watch the girls scramble for the flowers. She saw a flash of it once as it slipped through Dianna’s fingers; there was a mad grab after that, but a few seconds later, a tiny voice cried, “I caught it!!”

The waters parted, and a skinny arm appeared, holding up the slightly-bedraggled bouquet. The girls backed away, revealing none other than little Catherine. Perhaps the shortest one there, and in closest proximity to the ground, she had promptly scooped up the bouquet after Dianna dropped it.

“Congratulations, to the little lady who requested ‘The Hokey Pokey’!” announced the DJ, and everyone clapped for Catherine, who was beaming proudly. “Something tells me the old wives tale won’t apply to this bouquet,” he added, laughing into his microphone, as Claire climbed down from her chair and went to hug Catherine. She hid a smile as she heard Dianna wail in exasperation, “I told you I can’t catch! I almost had it, too!”

When Claire returned to the chair to sit for the garter toss, the single men replaced the women on the floor. She looked around, trying to tell if Nick was out there. She didn’t see him at first, until she panned across the tables and found him sitting at one with Laureen, sipping a drink. She left her eyes on him until he finally looked up and met her gaze; then she beckoned furiously to him, motioning towards the other guys who were gathering around her. Nick shook his head at first, but she frowned and glared and put on her best mock pouty face until, rolling his eyes, he finally got up from the table and wandered over to stand at the outskirts of the group.

With everyone watching, Jamie lifted her bare foot and hitched up the full skirt of her gown, revealing the garter, made of baby blue satin and lace, on her thigh. It had been her mother’s, worn at her parents’ wedding, and so, technically, the garter was something old, borrowed, and blue, all in one. Jamie slid it slowly down her leg, making her skin tingle wherever his fingertips brushed against her.

When he finally slipped it over and off her foot and held it up, the guys started to whoop and cheer in anticipation. Pulling her dress down, Claire got up from the chair and let Jamie stand on it. He dangled the garter between his thumb and forefinger tauntingly and finally tossed it casually over his shoulder, off to one side of the pack of guys. It was the side Nick was standing on, and the garter flew right to him. Claire broke into a smile as he caught it effortlessly and looked down at it in surprise, as if he hadn’t even really intended to try for it.

She clapped the loudest as everyone cheered, secretly glad Nick had been the one to catch it. She didn’t really believe the old wives tale, but she hoped he would take it as a sign that it was okay to move on. She wanted him to get married too someday, when he’d found the right woman, and just be happy. He deserved that more than anyone.

As the guys went back to their seats, she walked up to Nick, who stood smirking at her, twirling her garter around his index finger. “Whaddya know,” he said, when she approached.

She grinned. “You know what this means, don’t you? Next it’ll be your wedding we’re at.”

“We’ll see,” shrugged Nick, handing the garter back to her.

She ran the blue satin between her thumb and fingers. “It matches your tie,” she observed, holding it up against his blue silk tie. “You look wonderful tonight, by the way, in case I forgot to tell you earlier. I like the suit.”

“Thanks,” laughed Nick, running a hand over the breast of his suit jacket. “I don’t think I told you either, but you look… beautiful.” His voice dropped to a whisper on the last word, making her blush.

“Thanks,” she echoed, looking away. She didn’t want this to be awkward, but it was; a part of her still felt guilty for everything: for leaving him, for getting back together with Jamie, for inviting him to her wedding even though she knew it would be awkward…

But still, he had come, and that had to say something.

Looking back up at his face, she said, “So, hey… Jamie and I are probably going to take off before too long. I was hoping to get another dance in with you before we leave… to make up for running off on you earlier. I’m sorry about that.”

He shrugged. “It’s okay. You really wanna dance?”

“Definitely. You up for it?”

He smirked. “I did the Hokey Pokey earlier. At this point, I’m up for anything.”

Laughing, she pulled him back onto the dance floor. She had seen him in the circle for the Hokey Pokey earlier, and dancing with Catherine before that. Both times, her heart had nearly melted; he was too adorable. He was going to make a great daddy someday, she thought as she moved into dancing position with him, looking up at his face in admiration. Maybe he’d have a little girl, someone who would look up to him the way she looked up to her own father. Nick definitely deserved it.

“Thanks for dancing with Catherine earlier,” she told him. “That was really sweet of you, and I know it made her night. She looked like she was having fun. Laureen too,” she added, remembering seeing the two of them dancing for quite awhile.

“I had fun too,” replied Nick. “Laureen’s great… so is Catherine.”

She smiled. “You think Casey would have let me dance with him, if he were here? Or would he not want the cooties?” Even as she giggled, her stomach flip-flopped with the thought of Casey.

Nick laughed. “Are you kidding? A thirteen-year-old boy? He’d totally have the hots for you by now,” he replied with a wink. They both smiled, the same sad smiles, reflecting on the boy they’d both known and lost.

On that note, she fell silent, and so did he, each lost in their thoughts as they danced their last dance together.

***

As they danced, Nick wasn’t sure if Claire was really paying attention to the music, but as musician, he was naturally drawn to it. The song they were dancing to was Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly.” Nick wasn’t a big fan of the Mariah Carey ballads, but he remembered this song being everywhere the year it had come out and knew it well enough to remember some of the lyrics.

“… You have given the me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me
When you’re ready to land

“Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

“I can’t pretend these tears aren’t overflowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you’ll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly…”

As he listened to the words now, they seemed especially fitting for him and Claire. At this point, now that she had a wedding ring around her finger, he knew the chances of the two of them ever getting back together were slim. But not entirely hopeless. The only way he could really hope to get her back was to accept her marriage, wish her well, and let Jamie take it from there. If he really was as much of a jerk as he seemed to Nick, sooner or later, he would mess up, and maybe then Claire would realize she had made a mistake.

He wasn’t hoping for her marriage to fall apart; he really did want her to be happy. If she was happy with Jamie, then so be it; he would accept it. But if she wasn’t, he hoped there was still another chance left for him and her together. And if there was a chance, he wasn’t about to ruin it.

And so, as the song ended, he hugged Claire gently, whispered his congratulations into her ear, and, like a beautiful white butterfly, let her go.


So you sailed away into a gray sky morning
Now I’m here to stay; love can be so boring
And nothing’s quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had…

And it might take some time to patch me up inside
But I can’t take it, so I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You’re always right

So you sailed away into a gray sky morning
Now I’m here to stay; love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted?
Could it be I’m haunted?

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

- “Best I Ever Had” by Gary Allan


***

Additional lyrics: “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt, “More Than That” by the Backstreet Boys, “I Loved Her First” by Heartland, “Butterfly” by Mariah Carey


AN: So… she’s married. I know that wasn’t what most of you expected or wanted, but all I can say is, I still have a ways to go before this story is over, so don’t revolt quite yet. There’s still hope. ;) Thanks for reading!!!