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Chapter 138

On Saturday morning, a day before he was to fly back to LA, Nick got up early. He showered, dressed, and drove to Tampa General, walking the same halls he’d navigated just the other day, on his way to his cancer clinic. This morning, he took a different turn on the fifth floor and found himself in front of the conference room where the support group still met, every Saturday at 10 a.m.

Because he’d been living in LA, Nick hadn’t been to a group meeting in months, not since January. He had disappeared without warning; the last meeting he had planned to attend was the morning after Claire’s wedding, the morning he’d woken up hungover and in bed with Laureen. Needless to say, he had missed that meeting.

He wasn’t sure what the reaction would be when he suddenly turned up again, six months later, but he thought it would be best to drop by while he was in town and catch up with the others, let them know he hadn’t forgotten about them. But when he entered Conference Room 5B, he was startled to find that he barely recognized any of “the others.”

At first, he looked around at the room itself, wondering if he’d opened the wrong door. But no, this was the right room – same color scheme, same chairs, same tables, spread with simple refreshments. And there was Franzi, the counselor who led the group, taking her seat at the head of the circle of chairs. And as the others followed suit, straggling into the chairs, he started to recognize a few other familiar faces.

He was not at all surprised to see Deb right off the bat, dressed in her usual athletic clothes, with her prosthetic leg clearly visible, and gesturing wildly as she talked to Franzi.

On the other hand, he was quite surprised to see Carlos, who had never said much in the group last year. The middle-aged man looked thinner and more haggard that Nick remembered him, and he slumped into his chair with an air of defeat, like a balloon that had started to deflate after a few days.

Then there was Jeff, who had had a brain tumor, still looking bald beneath his stocking cap, but with newly grown-in eyebrows. With him was his young wife, Lacey; Nick had never seen the two of them apart.

And finally, he spotted Carol, with whom he’d spoken often last year. When she looked up and saw him, he waved and immediately came over to sit in the empty seat next to her.

“Nick!” she exclaimed, not bothering to hide the look of surprise on her face. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you here again! Where have you been these last few months?”

“Los Angeles,” he laughed, and quickly explained what he had been doing in LA. “Sorry I didn’t have a chance to let you know I was leaving. I meant to come to the meeting on the Saturday before I left, but, uh… well, it’s kind of a long story. I didn’t make it.”

“That’s alright; those things happen. I’m glad to see you’re doing well though,” said Carol, giving him a motherly smile.

“You too,” Nick returned, looking at her more closely. She looked much better than she had the last time he had seen her; her hair, once thinning from chemo, had thickened and grown back in, though with more gray than he remembered. Her face was fuller and rosier, making her look several years younger, healthier, and much less haggard. “How have you been doing?”

“I’m doing just great, thanks,” she said, her voice confident. “Starting to feel like my old self again, finally. I have more energy now, and I even went back to teaching and finished up this last school year. I’m off for the summer now, of course, but it will be nice to start up again in the fall.”

“That’s awesome,” Nick smiled, happy for the older woman.

Looking around the circle at all of the new, unfamiliar faces and wondering what had become of the old regulars who had once sat in their seats, Nick wanted to ask her about everyone else, but didn’t have a chance. Franzi started the meeting, and everyone stopped talking to listen.

Nick spoke up near the beginning of the meeting, when Franzi introduced him to the people who had joined since he had stopped coming, and told them all briefly what he had been up to for the last few months and how things were going, health-wise, but after that, he stayed quiet. He listened as the others talked, learning the names and stories of some of the newbies, and catching updates on the older members who were in attendance.

Deb was as fit as ever; no surprise there. Carol was not the only one who had finished treatments; Jeff was also in remission, after surgery to remove the tumor that chemo had successfully shrunken. During the meeting, he pulled off his stocking cap to show the others the long red scar that ran across his shaved scalp. It was a grim reminder of the fact that his skull had been drilled open to remove the growth that lurked within, but, smiling, Jeff referred to it as his “battle scar” and seemed unfazed. An aura of relief surrounded both him and his wife, a feeling Nick could definitely relate to himself. It was the feeling of having cheated death, and it was one that changed a person forever.

Carlos was at the other end of the spectrum; he still didn’t speak much, but from what Nick could gather, his lung cancer wasn’t responding well to the treatments he’d been undergoing for the last year and was now in an advanced stage. Nick felt sorry for the man; even though he was quiet, his body language gave off the air of a man condemned to death. The thought made a rush of chills slide down Nick’s spine, as he remembered a time when he, too, had been faced with the prospect of a lung tumor that was nearly inoperable and very well could have killed him. He had been lucky, very lucky, but not everyone was.

Further proof of this came after the meeting had ended, when he and Carol were walking out together. Strolling slowly, she filled him in with updates on the others who had come to the meetings last year. Not all of the updates were good.

“Nadine passed away in February. I made some casseroles for her family after the funeral; she had three little girls, remember? So sad,” murmured Carol, her voice cracking. “And Evelynn went into the hospital in early April, I think, and never came out again. She hung on for a couple of weeks before she passed.”

Nick swallowed hard. He had gone cold with the news that Nadine, the young mother who had had ovarian cancer, had died, and even though Evelynn’s passing was less of a surprise, it was still sad. “How’s Ike?” he asked cautiously, thinking of the sweet, elderly man who had doted on his feeble wife.

A sad smile spread across Carol’s face. “It’s the most heartbreaking thing,” she said, “Ike died just two weeks after Evvie. I believe they said it was of natural causes, old age, something like that… but I think he was just heartbroken. She was his life, and once she was gone, well…” Carol let her sentence trail off, then added, “I’ve heard of that kind of thing happening before – an elderly couple dying within days or weeks of each other.”

Nick nodded, having heard such stories too. It was sort of sweet, he supposed, in kind of a sad, morbid way, two people who had loved each other so deeply and for so long that one couldn’t go on living without the other. He wondered if he would ever know that kind of love, a woman with whom he could grow old.

He didn’t get to dwell on it, though, because Carol was still talking. Thankfully, her updates on the others were good. Jessie, who was only a high school student, had finished her senior year in remission, managing to graduate on time with her class. She was on vacation with her family and would be starting college in the fall. And Grandpa Jack, whom Nick had worried about after hearing of all the deaths in the group, had been declared cancer-free and had stopped coming to the group, “now that my old woman has stopped making me.” Nick laughed at that, feeling relieved that at least things had worked out for some of them.

Lingering in the lobby of the hospital, just inside the main entrance, Nick and Carol talked longer. “So what about you?” he wondered. “I know you said things were good, health-wise, and you’re back to teaching, but how is everything with your husband?” He hadn’t forgotten the long conversation they’d had last fall, when she had confided in him about the damage her illness had done on her marriage.

Carol sighed. “Hard to say, at this point. I was hoping things would heal themselves once I finished chemo and started looking and feeling more like myself, but they haven’t. He still spends too much time away from the house, working or going on weekend fishing trips with his friends. I can’t tell if he’s avoiding me because he feels guilty, or if he just… can’t bear the sight of me anymore,” she faltered, crossing her arms over her chest awkwardly.

“That sucks. He should love you no matter what you look like; he should love you just the way you are,” Nick said fiercely, remembering how Claire had said the same thing the first time he had let her cross an invisible boundary and touch his stump. “I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” he’d said nervously, but she had just shaken her head.

“I’m not,” she stated simply. “Like you said, it’s just a part of your body. It’s you. And I love you, Nick. Just the way you are.”

Carol sighed. “I know. But I can’t force him to feel a certain way. We had a talk, though, and I did manage to convince him to give marriage counseling a try. We’ve been doing that, and hopefully it will bring about some changes. If not, I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’re hardly living like a married couple right now; we don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore.” At this, she paused, giving Nick a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry; you don’t really want to hear all of the intimate details,” she chuckled.

Nick felt his face getting warm. “It’s okay,” he said, but he had to admit, he was a little relieved when she changed the subject. Unfortunately, the new topic of choice turned out to be his love life.

“So how about you? Have you been dating many girls out in California?” asked Carol, her eyes sparkling. She suddenly reminded him of an aunt, asking him if he had a girlfriend at every family event.

He smiled ruefully. “Nah, too busy, with the album and all. I haven’t had time to date much. Haven’t met anyone anyway,” he shrugged.

“Aww, well, that’s too bad. But it sounds like you’ve got bigger and better things happening, and when the time is right, I’m sure the right woman will come along.” He found it interesting that just when she had finished saying this, she went on to ask, “What ever happened with your friend Claire? The one who was getting married?”

“Oh, she got married alright,” Nick said with a dry, humorless laugh. “At the end of January. I drank a little too much at her wedding, which is why I never came to the group meeting the last Saturday I was in town – it was the morning after.”

“Ahh, I see.” Carol nodded knowingly. “That must have been very hard on you. I can’t even imagine.”

He, too, nodded. “Yeah… and now she’s pregnant with his babies – maybe more than one. She had in vitro fertilization. But,” he added, thinking about their lunch together the other day, “I’m happy for her, you know? Well, sort of. I’m never gonna like Jamie, but Claire’s wanted this for a long time… children, I mean. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to have any after going through the cancer treatments, but it worked out for her. So I’m happy about that. She deserves it.”

“That’s very sweet of you. It takes a big person to be able to say that about someone they once dated,” said Carol knowingly.

Nick just shrugged. Even though he still loved Claire, she had always been more than just “someone he had once dated,” and always would be. She was his friend, first and foremost; she had been a good friend to him through all the rough patches in his life these last few years, and he owed it to her to be a good friend back, even now.

He and Carol talked for a few more minutes and exchanged phone numbers before they walked out of the building. “Feel free to call me anytime you want to talk,” Carol said sweetly as she handed him a slip of paper with her number on it.

“Just don’t give this to your seventh-graders,” Nick joked as he gave her his.

He pocketed her number, glad to have it so that he would be able to stay in touch this time. For as they left the building together and went their separate ways in the parking lot, Nick glanced back up to the fifth floor and realized this had probably been his last support group meeting. In just six months, so much had changed in the group, and he felt like he didn’t quite fit in there anymore, nor did he need it. For the most part, life was treating him well, and right now, he just wanted to get back to LA and live it.

***

Nick was deep in thought for most of the plane ride back to Los Angeles the next day. He had not realized how much of an escape California had been for him these last few months, not until he had returned home to Tampa and encountered all that he had left behind. Claire, married and now pregnant. The usual worries over his health, brought to the surface by his appointment with Dr. Kingsbury and then pushed back into the depths of his mind after her good report. The support group, now totally changed, three of its former members gone forever. The mix of relief and guilt he felt when he sat through the group’s meetings, still the same.

When he was in LA, working on his album and living in the splendor of the celebrity lifestyle, it was easy to forget about all of that, at least most of the time, but now it was on his mind again. Memories, both good and bad, happy and sad, swirled through his head, as bits and pieces of conversations seemed to echo off the walls of his skull. He thought of Jeff and Lacey, who had stayed strongly united against the tumor that had invaded his brain, and of Ike and Evvie, the sweet old couple who had lived a long life at each other’s sides and had refused to let even death separate them. Then he thought of Carol and her husband, who had not been strong like Lacey and Ike, pulling away from his wife when she needed him the most.

And then he thought, inevitably, of Claire. Even though she had hurt him, he would never forget how she had stuck by him through the worst, like Lacey, like Ike. He had been luckier than Carol; he had had the best support he could have asked for in Claire, who had stayed strong when he was broken, helping him to rebuild his body and spirit.

He wasn’t sure where he would be today, if it hadn’t been for her. Would he be recording another solo album? Not if he had not gotten the confidence to go back to performing first. Would he have ever started dating again? Not if she had not shown him that he was still worthy of being loved. Would he even be alive? He would never know for sure, but if she had not given him the strength and will to undergo the risky surgery that had removed the cancer from his chest, he might had died years ago.

Their relationship had complicated everything, but there was still one simple truth about Claire in Nick’s mind: in many ways, he owed her his life.

That was why, even before he stepped off the plane at LAX, Nick had made a decision. He was going to record – and release – the song that, nearly three years ago, he had written for Claire.

***