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Chapter 139

For the first few days after her latest clinic visit, Claire viewed her pregnancy almost like a wonderful dream she could wake up from at any time. It seemed almost too good to be true. But the following week, the reality took hold, starting with the morning sickness.

It hit her in full force on the Sunday Nick flew back to LA, leaving her crouched over the toilet with nausea that was all-too reminiscent of the kind caused by chemotherapy. Jamie paced outside the bathroom as she threw up, holding her own hair back and wiping her mouth with a washcloth that she wet herself.

“I think we should call your doctor,” he kept saying fretfully. “What if there’s something wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong; it’s just morning sickness,” she called dully from the bathroom floor, her voice cracking. More than ever, she wanted to call her mother or even Amber, someone who had been pregnant, just to make sure this was, in fact, normal. But she didn’t. She was scheduled for another ultrasound and hormone test at the clinic the next day, to check that her pregnancy was still progressing as it should, and she wanted to wait for another set of positive results before she called her family. It was just too early to be sure of anything at this point.

To her relief, the tests came out exactly as they should, and Dr. Nevin scheduled her for another ultrasound the following week. “We might even be able to make out a heartbeat by then,” the doctor had suggested, to Claire’s great excitement. With Dr. Nevin’s assurance that her morning nausea was not cause for concern and the possibility of hearing her baby’s heartbeat soon, Claire decided she would wait another week, see how her next appointment went, and then talk to Jamie about spilling the big news to their families.

But a few days later, Jamie came home from work with a big announcement of his own.

“Clairie? You home?” she heard him call as he walked into the apartment, a few minutes earlier than usual.

“In here!” she shouted from the living room, where she sat on the sofa, her scrapbooking materials spread out on the coffee table in front of her. She’d spent the last few months slowly putting together a wedding scrapbook with pictures that covered everything from the night they’d gotten engaged to the honeymoon. She had just put a flowery border around a gorgeous photo of the wedding party outside the church when Jamie ambled in.

“Hey… how was work?” he asked, coming over to kiss her.

“Fine; how about you?”

“It was fine. I have some news for you though…” he said slowly, and she set the photo she’d been holding down, turning to give him her full attention. She searched his face; his expression was unreadable, and she couldn’t tell what kind of “news” it was going to be. But the tone in his voice was ominous.

“Okay… so what’s up?” she asked nervously. Her thoughts went first to the pregnancy, as it had been the biggest thing on her mind for the last month-and-a-half. But no, she reasoned, he wouldn’t know anything she didn’t when it came to that; Dr. Nevin wouldn’t have called him at work to talk about the pregnancy. But then what could it be?

“Well, um…” Jamie cleared his throat. “I’ve been transferred.”

“Transferred??” echoed Claire, feeling her brows shoot upwards. “As in, a job transfer? To where??”

One corner of his mouth turned up in a smirk. “Des Moines.”

Claire just stared for a minute, as this bit of information sunk in. “Des Moines,” she repeated finally. “You got transferred to Des Moines, Iowa? Des Moines that you used to live near?”

His smirk grew. “I know, right? What are the chances?”

She continued to stare at him in disbelief. “Des Moines that’s a thousand miles away from here??”

“That’s the one.”

“So you’re expecting us to just uproot and move to Des Moines??”

“Well, that’s generally what happens when you get transferred, right? At least it’s not Seattle. Or Japan. Those were my other two options; would you rather I call my boss right now and tell him we want to move to Tokyo?”

He had a sarcastic tone that she did not like, and she couldn’t help but frown. “Will you just give a minute to process this before you start with the sarcasm?” she snipped. “You’re talking about moving to an entirely different part of the country; that’s kind of a big thing!”

“Sorry.” Jamie quieted and sat back.

She sighed. “So you really have no choice about this?” she asked, a few seconds later. “Other than where you get transferred, I mean. And there’s no closer option than Iowa?”

“No. And while I wouldn’t be against moving to Seattle – or hell, even Tokyo – I just figured you wouldn’t want to go that far. Plus, I already know the Des Moines area, and my mom’s there and everything, so it just seemed to make the most sense. But there’s probably still time to change my mind if-”

“No,” she interjected, closing her eyes. Suddenly, her head hurt. “I don’t want to move to Seattle. Or Tokyo.”

“Or Des Moines, right?”

She sighed again and opened her eyes. “Well, if I’m being honest, no. But… if I’m understanding you right, you’re telling me we don’t really have a choice, right?”

Jamie shrugged. “The only other choice is to quit my job and look for one somewhere else in this area. But I don’t think that would be the smartest thing to do right now, do you? I mean, this job pays well, and I’d earn even more in Iowa, and we do have a baby on the way… possibly more than one baby. You’re going to need to take maternity leave, and even if you did go back to work right away, your salary isn’t enough to support us and a baby. That’s my job. We can’t afford for me to be unemployed, and I’m worried I’d have a hard time trying to find another good job if potential employers get word that I’m not willing to transfer.”

Gazing blankly across the room, Claire nodded slowly, but didn’t say anything. She was still trying to get a handle on the idea of moving so far.

“Besides…” Jamie added after a few seconds, leaning forward to look into her face again, “We’re starting a family, and this apartment is not big enough for that. We’re going to have to move before the baby’s born anyway; we don’t even have a spare room for a nursery.”

Normally, any mention of the baby made Claire’s heart swell with excitement, but right now, she felt oddly deflated. Jamie was right, of course. The apartment was fine for a pair of newlyweds, but not for two parents trying to raise children. She’d known they would have to start looking for a bigger place soon… but she hadn’t expected to be looking for one in Iowa.

While it certainly wasn’t as far as Seattle or Tokyo, Iowa was like another world, a world that froze in the winter and had no ocean. For a woman who had been born and raised along the Gulf of Mexico in sunny Florida, the idea of moving to the Midwest was preposterous.

“How long have you known about this?” she asked quietly. “You didn’t just find out today, did you?” The way he was talking, it seemed like the idea was one he’d already had a chance to think over.

“No,” Jamie confessed. “My boss called me into a meeting a few weeks ago. But we were just getting into this embryo stuff then, and I didn’t want to stress you out. The only reason I’m bringing it up now is because it’s already the middle of July, and we have to be moved by September.”

Claire’s eyes widened. “That’s less than two months away!”

“I know.” Jamie smirked again. “That’s why I figured I better tell you, huh? Listen, though, I don’t want you to worry about a thing. The company’s going to cover a lot of the moving expenses and help us make it go as smoothly as possible. I know the area, and my mom knows some good realtors that I can call to help us find a house. I can get in touch with the realtor and have her find us some places, and your only job will be to help me decide which one.”

He smiled at her in a way that made her feel like a three-year-old who had been given a “job” to do just to appease her. “Here, Clairie, you can help sort the laundry. Can you find all the white socks? Good girl!”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m pregnant, not inept. If I’m going to be moving too, I want to help make the arrangements.”

He smiled again, in a better way this time, and patted her leg. “Alright then. So… you’re really okay with this?”

She shook her head, not knowing quite what to say or think. “I wouldn’t say ‘okay,’ no… but hopefully I will be. I just… I need some time to let this sink in,” she murmured, swallowing hard. Then, turning to him, she added, “But you’re my husband, and yours is the main salary, and… and wherever you go, I’ll follow you.”

Apparently pleased to hear this, Jamie hugged her tightly. But even with his warm arms around her, Claire still felt numb, still in shock over the idea that in two months’ time, she would be expected to move away from the place she’d grown up, and the people she’d grown up with, and settle in a new state that seemed much too far away.

Her eyes prickled as she looked down at the picture she had just been holding, and as she took in the sight of her family and friends standing around her and Jamie in their tuxedoes and gowns, with blue skies, palm trees, and just a hint of ocean serving as their backdrop, she found herself blinking back tears, refusing to let them spill upon her husband’s shoulder.

***

The following Wednesday, the last in July, Claire and Jamie returned to the fertility clinic for another ultrasound. Suddenly, Claire understood why Jamie was able to take so many mornings off of work to go to her appointments with her – he was being transferred in less than two months, so it didn’t really matter anymore.

The thought that she only had a month to get everything in order and move over a thousand miles north had Claire freaking out, but Jamie kept assuring her that he and his company would take care of everything. “Don’t get yourself all stressed out about this; it’s not good for the baby,” he would say, but how could she not? She didn’t want him to just “take care of everything;” she wanted some say in where they ended up living.

But, in a way, he was right; for now, she had to try to stay calm and take care of herself, for the baby (babies?). At this early stage in her pregnancy, the risk of miscarriage was high, and she was terrified of losing what they had tried so hard to conceive.

She was nervous as Dr. Nevin prepared her for the ultrasound, rubbing cold gel across her bare stomach. Please, please let there be a baby… with a heartbeat, she prayed silently, as the doctor turned on the monitor and started to move the transducer slowly over her belly.

As if she had just read Claire’s thoughts, Dr. Nevin warned, “Now, it might be too early to see a heartbeat yet. The hearts of any of the embryos that are growing will have started beating by now, but they are so small that I might not be able to make them out on the scan, and it’s impossible to hear them yet. When you’re about twelve weeks along, we can do a Doppler and listen to the heartbeat. But for now, I should be able to make out embryos inside the gestational sacs, and then we’ll know how many babies you’re carrying.” The doctor smiled at Claire before turning her attention back to the monitor that was facing her.

Claire nodded, feeling a little calmer. She lay still and tried to relax as the doctor moved the transducer around carefully, studying the screen. Beside her, Jamie sat stiffly, holding her hand. He seemed just as nervous as her; his palm was clammy, and she could feel his pulse racing against her thumb. They both waited in silent suspense as Dr. Nevin continued with the scan. Say something, Claire urged, watching the doctor’s face carefully for any signs of emotion. Surely she had to have seen something by now.

Finally, a smile broke through the doctor’s mask-like expression of concentration. “Well, there’s no doubt about it,” she said. “You’re definitely pregnant.”

“You can see an embryo?” Claire asked in delight, relief washing over her. “Can we see??”

Dr. Nevin turned the monitor around so that Claire could see it from the examining table. Jamie leaned forward for a closer look, and Claire squinted at the black screen, trying quickly to decipher the blurry black-and-white image on it. She knew that the big mass of white that took up much of the screen was her uterus, and inside, she could see the three black circles she had seen on the last ultrasound – the gestational sacs of the three embryos that had been implanted into her. Up until now, the doctor had been telling her that it was too soon to tell whether or not there were actually embryos growing inside these sacs.

Now, leaning across the table, the doctor encircled one of the three sacs with her finger. “This is the gestational sac, as you saw at your last appointment. Inside is the yolk sac,” she reviewed, pointing out a small white blob inside the black circle. “And right here, this tiny white dot next to the yolk sac… this is your embryo,” said Dr. Nevin with a smile, pointing to something Claire couldn’t even differentiate from the yolk sac. But she knew it was there, able to be seen only by the doctor’s trained eyes.

“Jamie,” she whispered, squeezing his hand without taking her eyes off the screen. She stared at the little white speck, hardly able to believe that it would soon grow into a baby, her child.

She was still processing this much when Dr. Nevin’s fingers moved, now tracing around the second of the gestational sacs. “Here again is another sac… another yolk… and right here-“ She pointed to another spot of cloudy white. “-another embryo.”

Claire gasped, turning to look at Jamie this time. His blue eyes were wide as he stared at the ultrasound monitor. “Twins,” his voice cracked, and she could hear the emotion in it. She felt a rush of it herself, as she looked back to the screen, counting two sacs, two embryos.

Her eyes came to rest on the third, near the bottom of the screen, and even before Dr. Nevin had started to talk, she saw the little white yolk sac. “And here,” said Dr. Nevin finally, tracing around this last little spot of white, “is a third yolk, inside the third sac, and right here… is a third embryo.”

Claire stared in disbelief. “All three?!” she asked, her voice catching in her throat. “They all three implanted?”

Dr. Nevin smiled. “It doesn’t happen often, but in your case, yes, they sure did.”

“Oh my God…” Suddenly, she started to laugh, almost hysterically, unable to hold it back. “We’re having triplets?!” she burst out, turning wildly to Jamie, who looked rather pale.

“I guess I better tell the real estate we’re going to need more than two bedrooms after all,” he murmured, looking stunned.

Claire was almost giddy in her shock. Three babies… three babies! the thought kept screaming through her mind. She could scarcely even believe it yet, let alone process what this meant. But still, she thought to ask, eagerly, “Can you see any of their heartbeats?”

“I can make out one of them so far,” said Dr. Nevin. “It’s very hard to see, but if you look very closely, right here…” Her finger lingered over a spot near the second yolk sac. “… you’ll notice a very small flickering of white. This is the beating motion of the baby’s heart, magnified.”

Squinting hard, Claire stared at where she was pointing. For a moment, she could make out nothing, and then suddenly, she thought she saw it, a hint of movement, very slight, but… steady…

Her own heart skipped a beat as she held her breath, watching her baby’s flicker.

***

The lights on the sign outside the sound booth flickered the word Recording, as soft drumbeats resounded through Nick’s headphones. Inside the booth, Nick took a deep breath, leaned over the microphone, and opened his mouth. The words that flowed out of his mouth next were his own, set to a melody he himself had composed. “I thought I’d reached my breaking point, every ounce of my strength gone… But when I felt I couldn’t walk any further, you’re the one who helped me carry on…”

He thought of Claire as he sang the song he had written for her, a hundred different memories and emotions passing through his head as the lyrics came by heart.

He remembered the first time he had walked without the aid of crutches on his artificial leg; Claire had been there, of course.

“It would have been so easy to give into the pain… Let the walls close in around me and forfeit this game…”

He remembered how she had been there through his many rounds of chemo, too, rubbing his back when he didn’t feel well, always reassuring him that he would get through this.

“I just wanted to give up… I just wanted it all to end… Who knew that in my darkest hour, I would see the light again?”

He remembered the night he’d finally told her he loved her, as he lay in a darkened hospital room, fighting for every breath, regretting that he hadn’t told her sooner. She had held his hand and whispered the words back, and he knew she had meant them then.

“You opened my eyes to everything I could be… and I would do it all again… if I knew when it was over, you would be the first person I would see…”

He remembered waking up after his lung surgery and seeing her face; she had been the first to tell him the surgery had been a success.

“Through all the lies I’ve been told, you’re the only thing in my life that stayed true… and when I didn’t want to live for me, you made me live for you…”

He remembered how happy he had been, starting a new life with her after he’d been given a second chance at his own.

His voice cracked, but he kept singing, going on to the second verse. No one outside the sound booth had stopped him yet; he had told them he wanted to sing the song all the way through, and so they let him sing. He couldn’t see their faces, for his eyes were tightly closed, but if he had opened them, he would have seen that no one had any intention of cutting him off; they were all staring through the glass window at him, awestruck at the raw emotion in his voice.

“So the least I can do is return the favor… Know that I’ll always be by your side… The world can turn against us… but together, we’ll be all right…”

He belted the chorus again, his voice resonating in harmony with the swelling piano arpeggios that accompanied him, and when the music finally faded, he released a slow breath and finally opened his eyes.

They were wet with unshed tears.

***

AN: Thanks again to Shauna for writing these lyrics!!