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Chapter 146


When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relief
And people can be so cold…


Jamie showed no signs of wanting to talk for the rest of the day. Claire was on the couch, engrossed in a novel (a hopeless distraction), when he finally came upstairs late in the afternoon. She expected him to apologize, or at least to go rummaging for food in the kitchen – he had to be hungry by now – but he did neither. He walked straight past her and down the hall.

He better not be stealing the bedroom, she thought, frowning, when she heard their bedroom door click shut. He could hide out in the basement all she wanted, but she was not going to sleep on the couch. She had a hard enough time sleeping as it was.

Twenty minutes later, the door opened again, and Jamie came stomping back up the hall. When he appeared in the living room, she looked up casually and saw that he had changed into nicer clothes and had his wallet and keys in hand.

“Where are you going?” she asked coolly, looking him over.

“Out,” he muttered. “Called some old friends… people I knew when I lived here before. They said to call when I was back in town, so... I’m meeting up with them. That okay with you?”

She could tell by the way he voiced that question that it didn’t matter whether it was ‘okay’ with her or not. “Whatever,” was all she said in return. Truthfully, she didn’t care if he went to meet his friends, but it annoyed her that he hadn’t made any effort to invite or include her. She didn’t know a soul in the area, except for his mother, whom, thankfully, she’d been spared from so far. The hospital stay had done that, she was sure. Jamie wouldn’t want his mother to see how much tension there was in their new house already.

The tension diluted some as he walked out, tossing a casual reminder to “Take it easy,” over his shoulder, but it was immediately replaced by loneliness. It had been a long time since Claire had felt this utterly alone. She had lived by herself for years and never minded it; she’d always liked her independence. But it was different now. She was not just alone in the house, but alone in a part of the country where she knew virtually no one, her friends and family all a full day’s drive away. And even more upsetting, she suddenly felt alone in her marriage, her six-month marriage which had suddenly grown cold.

“Damn hormones,” she cursed under her breath as the felt the tears threaten again. She blinked them away, trying to focus on the words on the page of her open book, but she quickly found she could no longer concentrate. She marked her page and closed the book, setting it aside on the coffee table. Then she went to get her cell phone.

It had helped to talk to her parents earlier, so she decided another phone call might cheer her up. She immediately dialed Dianna, hoping her best friend would have some good advice. Dianna was usually good at dispensing the stuff, often without being asked.

But to Claire’s dismay, Dianna had little to offer this time. She was sympathetic, of course, even beside herself with emotion over Claire’s news. “Oh, Claire… Claire,” she kept repeating, sounding close to tears. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re having to go through this…” But she had no words of wisdom, no advice column-worthy answer to Claire’s dilemma. “I don’t know what to tell you, girl,” she admitted. “It’s not my place to decide… you and Jamie have to figure out what’s right for you. I don’t even know what I’d do, if it were me.”

“It’s okay,” Claire said softly, knowing she shouldn’t expect her friends to shoulder the burden that was hers and Jamie’s. No one could really know what they would do in this situation unless they were in her shoes, facing it head on. “Thanks for listening, anyway.”

“Oh, anytime!! You know you can always call me. Keep me posted, okay? And give Jamie a smack upside the head for me, too. I know he’s going through a hard time too, but sheesh, he doesn’t have to be such a total dick about it.”

Claire smiled at that, grateful for Dianna’s unwavering loyalty and sense of humor. “The way he’s acting, I just might have to.”

“You go, girl! You know I’ve got your back, no matter what, right?”

“I know. Thanks, Di…”

“Absolutely! Hang in there, Claire… things will get better. They’ve got to, right?”

Not at all sure herself, Claire assured Dianna that they would and got off the phone. Hearing her best friend’s voice had made her feel slightly better, but not much. She knew Dianna felt bad and had tried to help, but when it came down to it, she couldn’t really imagine or understand the decision Claire was facing. No one could, no one but her, Jamie, and any other couple who had been put in their position before.

She wished she knew someone who had faced a similar decision, wished she had someone to talk to and ask questions. But she racked her brain and could think of no one. Most of her friends didn’t have children yet, and those that did had conceived them naturally, with no major problems. Calling her brother and sister-in-law would be futile for that very reason; besides, they’d hear the news from her parents soon enough.

Her second-closest girlfriend, after Dianna, was Laureen, but the thought of calling her made a sick feeling settle into the pit of Claire’s stomach. She loved Laureen and could have used her upbeat attitude, but a terrible thought had occurred to her: Laureen was a triplet herself. She had two brothers in Chicago, whom Claire knew she kept in close touch with. She could not imagine what Laureen would think if she found out Claire was actually considering terminating one of her triplets. As sweet and understanding as Laureen was, Claire just knew she would not be able to understand this. Afraid of getting another reaction like Jamie’s (though, undoubtedly nicer), Claire bypassed Laureen’s name on the list of contacts stored in her phone.

Mostly out of boredom, she continued flipping through the contacts: Mom… Mrs. Turner…

Suddenly, she stopped. There, highlighted in the small window of her cell phone, was the name of someone she had not yet thought to call. Someone who had never been pregnant and never would, but who just might be able to appreciate what she was going through, for he had once had to make a gut-wrenching decision of his own…


When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can’t take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken hard
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You’re not alone…


***

Nick sat inside a small lounge at the recording studio, sucking on a Blow-Pop and playing absently with his phone.

He’d been in the sound booth most of the afternoon, laying down back-up vocals for some of his songs that had yet to be finished, and had decided it was time for a break. Even though he’d been working out, his endurance wasn’t what it used to be, especially when it came to singing, he’d discovered. His voice was as strong as ever, but since recovering from BOOP, he’d noticed that he ran out of breath faster, and after a couple of hours of almost constant singing, he needed to rest – body, voice, and lungs.

He supposed he shouldn’t be talking on the phone if he was supposed to be resting his voice and saving his breath, but studio breaks were boring without the other guys to goof off with. He flipped through the contacts on his phone, looking for someone to call during the downtime.

He hesitated a moment on Claire’s name, then kept going; they hadn’t parted on such good terms at her going away party, when he’d accused her husband of lying about his sudden job transfer and then beat him up right in front of her. He was curious to see how she was liking (or hating) Iowa, as he hadn’t heard from her since the move, but he would wait until she called him.

He scrolled further and came upon Laureen’s name, at which he looked down with interest. I promised I’d give her a call, he remembered, so why not call her now?

He had felt better about Laureen since talking to her at Claire’s party, and he hadn’t forgotten the way she had silently stood up for him against Jamie’s and his friends’ taunting. She had been able to see what Claire and most others couldn’t, so if nothing else, he was starting to view her as not just a friend, but an ally.

He punched the button to call her and watched as his phone automatically dialed her number. Then he put the phone to his ear, waiting as it rang on her end. After just two rings, she answered, sounding breathless. “Hello??”

“Hey, Laureen?” he asked casually, taking the sucker out of his mouth. “It’s Nick.”

“I-I know… I mean, I have you in my contacts,” she explained quickly, sounding sheepish.

He smiled; even her voice on the phone was cute. “Just makin’ sure. So, what’s up?”

“Umm, not too much… just making some dinner,” she giggled nervously.

“Oh yeah? Whatcha makin’?”

“Uhh… frozen pizza.”

She sounded embarrassed, but he chuckled. “Frozen pizza, that’s cool.”

Laughing, she said, “Yeah… not nearly as good as a deep-dish in Chicago though.”

“Oh, I hear ya, me and the guys always go out for pizza when we’re playing Chicago. That city’s got, like, the best food ever. At least in the States. I dunno, I’m not really big on most of the foreign food we try when we’re overseas anyway… gimme a greasy American pizza any day. Well, I guess pizza isn’t technically American… it’s more, like, Italian, right? But whatever.”

Way to ramble, Carter, he thought, as Laureen giggled. “So you’re from Chicago, right? Originally?” he asked her.

“Yeah!” she chirped, sounding surprised that he knew or remembered.

“Well, you should plan to go back for a visit when I’m touring… probably over the winter. Chicago’s almost always on the itinerary, so I can hook you up with tickets, and maybe you can show me some of your favorite spots in the city, and we’ll grab a deep-dish together. Whaddya think?”

“Oh wow, that would be so cool!! Yeah, totally, we should do that!” she exclaimed.

“Cool, cool. I’ll have to call you when we get the tour details all worked out then.”

“Okay!”

Nick smiled at her obvious enthusiasm. His bruised cheek twinged slightly as the muscles flexed, and, suddenly remembering his fight with Jamie again, he was just about to ask if she’d heard about it when his phone beeped. “Oh, crap, Laureen? Hey, I think someone else is trying to call me… hang on while I check this.”

“Okay!” he barely heard her say before he slapped another button, cutting her off and switching over to the new call. “Hello?” he answered, putting the phone back up to the uninjured side of his face.

“Hey, Nick… are you busy?”

Nick frowned at the new voice, also female and familiar-sounding, yet… different. “Claire?” he asked in confusion. It had to be her, but she didn’t sound quite like herself.

“Yeah. Am I bothering you?”

Her voice was quiet and hesitant, and he could tell something was wrong. Though it didn’t sound urgent, he was mildly concerned, and so he said, “No, no, of course not. Can you hold on just one sec? One second, okay?”

Putting her on hold, he switched back to Laureen. “Hey, Laureen? I’m really sorry, but can I call you back later? This other call… it sounds like it could be important.”

“Oh, okay. No problem! I’ll talk to you later then, if you have time,” replied Laureen, as understanding as ever.

“Thanks. Catch ya later, girl,” he promised and ended the call with her, quickly switching back over to Claire. “Claire? I’m here. What’s up?”

“Do you have some time?” she asked, her voice pleading. “I just really need to talk…”

He hadn’t heard her sound so upset or needy in a long time, perhaps not since he had comforted her over Casey’s death. She didn’t seem at all like her usual strong, composed self, which made it even more apparent that something was really wrong.

Furrowing his brow, he spoke into the phone. “I’m listening...”

***

Claire lay on the couch, curled on her side, one hand on her stomach while the other held the phone tightly to her ear. “I’m so sorry to bother you with this,” she apologized, “but I’ve just got some stuff going on, and there aren’t many people I can talk to…”

“I told you, I’m listening,” said Nick, his voice as reassuring as ever. “Now what’s going on?”

It took her several minutes to fill him in. There was a lot he didn’t know to begin with – she’d never told him about the heart damage that had landed her in the hospital two years ago. At the time, he had been out of the country, recording for the Backstreet Boys album, and she hadn’t seen the point in burdening him with it then. Now she had to tell him about that, as well as the most recent episode and her doctor’s concerns that, with the heart condition, she wouldn’t be strong enough to carry three babies safely to term.

“… She said I should think about ‘reducing’ the pregnancy from three babies to two. You know that means? It’s the sugary way of telling me I should abort one of them,” said Claire, her voice cracking with emotion.

She could hear Nick suck in a slow breath over the phone. “And what happens if you don’t?” he asked quietly. “I mean, could you… die?”

Claire’s stomach turned over. “Yeah. I could die, or go in heart failure. The babies could die or end up having severe problems because they were born too early. But… there’s only a chance of those things happening. No one knows. Everything could go fine. It’s just… not likely…” She trailed off, sighing. “It’s just, I’m afraid if I go through with this reduction, I’ll always wonder what would have happened. What if I… what if I did it for nothing, you know? But then, if I don’t do it, and something horrible happens… I don’t know if I’d ever be able to forgive myself for that either. It doesn’t matter which way I choose; if I make a mistake, either way, I’ll never be able to take it back…”

***


When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one-way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away
And you feel like you can’t face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken hard
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You’re not alone…


Listening to Claire go back and forth, sounding close to tears as she weighed her options aloud, Nick was struck by how much he could empathize with her.

He wouldn’t have thought it possible to even begin to understand what it was like to be a pregnant woman, trying to decide whether or not to abort one of her babies – it was obviously not a decision he would ever face himself. But he had made other decisions himself, decisions which, like hers, involved serious risks and consequences, in which his choice could mean the difference between life and death, and a mistake could be permanent.

He was thinking mainly, of course, of the decision to amputate his leg.

It had been over four years now, but he could still remember vividly being in her position… trying to decide…


“Nick…” Brian trailed off, his mouth still open as he searched for the right words to say. Finally, he gave up and simply said, “Is this the only option you’ve been given?”

“Basically,” Nick mumbled without looking at him. “If I refuse the surgery, Dr. K thinks it will spread more, and then I’m basically fucked. Thirty-three percent is the highest chance of survival once it gets to somewhere else in the body.” How he had remembered that statistic was beyond him; he’d never been one to spurt random bits of knowledge like that. Then again, this was not random at all, not some useless piece of trivia. This was his life they were talking about.

The blood drained from Brian’s already-pale face. “So this is the only option.”

“No, I got two options – either the leg goes, or I go. Simple as that,” Nick replied flippantly, jiggling one foot and staring hard at the wall as he blinked back tears.

“Then… then the leg goes… right?”

Nick looked at his lap. “I don’t wanna live without my leg, Brian,” he said quietly.


Swallowing hard at the memory, Nick cleared his throat and said into the phone, “I’m so sorry, Claire. I know how much you want to have these babies. And I know… I know I can’t relate exactly to what you’re going through, but… if it helps any, I… I think I can sort of understand. When my cancer relapsed, Dr. Kingsbury told me if I didn’t go through with the amputation, it would probably spread more, and there was a good chance I would die. I know it’s not the same,” he added quickly, “I mean, a leg isn’t a baby, but… it was still a part of me, you know, and at the time, I didn’t see how I’d ever be able to let them take it…” He trailed off, waiting nervously for her reaction.

His heart sank when he her let out an unmistakable sob. Had he said the wrong thing?? He had only been trying to help; he knew it wasn’t the same situation, but still…

“I know… I know,” Claire said, and she was clearly crying now. “That’s why I called you. I just realized… if anyone could understand, it’d be you. You always understand, when no one else does. I’m so… so lucky to have you in my life still. I know I don’t deserve it, but… thank you, Nick. Thank you so much for always being there…”

It was hard to understand her wavering voice, thick with tears, but Nick thought he’d gotten most of it. He blinked in surprise; he hadn’t been expecting that reaction from her. It made his heart ache, hearing her sob that way. He’d only seen her this way a few times in all the years he had known her, and only when things were really bad. She was clearly hurting.

“It’s okay, honey,” he said quietly, wishing he could console her. “You know I’m always here for you.”

“I know,” she whimpered again, her ragged breathing the only sound on the other end of the line.

He frowned, slightly confused. Why did it sound as if she had no one else to talk to about this? From the way she was sobbing, he kept picturing her all alone and distraught, with no one else to turn to but him. It was a horrible image. Where was her husband?? Why wasn’t he comforting her and helping her make this awful decision? Why had she reached out to him and not Jamie?

He had to ask. “Claire? Is Jamie there with you?”

She sniffled loudly in response and gulped, “No! He’s… he’s out with his friends. He won’t talk to me. I’ve tried, but all he’ll say is that we’re not k-killing our baby, and then he goes back to avoiding me. I don’t know what to do…”

Nick’s temper flared, the way it had when Jamie had confronted him on the beach just a week ago. “So you’re sitting at home crying, and he’s not even there?!” he asked in disbelief, his voice rising. “What kind of man is he, leaving his wife alone to deal with all of this?? God, Claire… that’s just not right! You shouldn’t be alone through this! When I… when I was trying to decide about my leg, I had to call someone, or I would have gone fucking crazy! If Brian hadn’t come to be with me, I don’t know what I would have done. And this decision isn’t something you can make on your own… he’s the fucking father; he needs to talk it over with you!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t call it ‘talking it over,’ but he got his point across, that’s for damn sure,” she sniffed bitterly. “It’s like, because he is their father, he gets the final word. He won’t even listen to me! I didn’t tell him I wanted to go through with it, but he won’t even consider it. It’s against our religion… abortion is a sin…”

Her voice turned dull, but Nick’s grew sharper. “Yeah, well, so is suicide, right? I mean, look at it this way – if you go against your doctor’s advice, you’d be putting your own life in danger. You could be killing yourself.”

In his mind, there was only one decision to make. He couldn’t let her risk her life, when even her doctor was telling her it would be dangerous to keep carrying the triplets. He felt no attachment of his own to the babies, but Claire… he would always care deeply about Claire. She was what mattered most, and though he knew how much it would hurt her to lose one of them, he couldn’t stand the idea of her dying in childbirth.

“Claire,” he said pleadingly, when she didn’t answer, “you have lived through too much to put your life in jeopardy again. You beat cancer. You beat it by listening to your doctors and going through the treatments they recommended, no matter how hard they were. That’s what I did, too, when I let them cut off my leg. It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I made it because I didn’t want to die. And I have no regrets, cause I’m alive today. Sometimes… sometimes you have to make sacrifices.”

“I know,” Claire cried, “but it’s a baby, Nick! It’s alive inside of me… and if I do this…”

“If you do it, you’ll have a better chance of raising two other healthy babies. Right?”

She sniffled. “Yeah…”

“And Claire… my leg’s never gonna grow back, but you can always try for another baby someday. I know it’s not the same… but you’ve got to give yourself that chance. Don’t sacrifice yourself over this. Even if he is a prick, I know Jamie loves you… he wouldn’t want to lose you. And… I don’t want to lose you either,” said Nick, his last words slipping out quietly.

In his mind, he could hear Brian’s voice again. “Y-you have to do it. I don’t wanna lose you, Nick. It’s just your leg…”

“I’m not ready to die,” Claire admitted tearfully. “I want to be a mother, more than anything, and watch my babies grow up.”

“Then listen to your doctor,” Nick urged her. “I know it’s gonna be hard, but you have to trust her. She wouldn’t suggest it if she didn’t think it was the best thing to do.”

“I barely know her,” Claire sniffled. “But I trust you…”

Nick smiled a little. “Well, don’t just trust me. Try and talk to Jamie again, okay? And if that doesn’t work, lemme know, and I’ll come beat his ass into submission again, okay?”

Finally, a giggle from Claire. “Okay,” she said thickly. “You’re the best, Nick.”

Smiling again, Nick was about to reply, when the door of the lounge burst open. “You about ready, Carter?” his producer asked, popping his head inside.

Nick lowered his phone, cupping his hand across the bottom. “Give me a few more minutes,” he said, tapping the phone. “Important call.”

The producer gave a short nod. “Sure.”

When he left, Nick put the phone back to his ear. “Sorry about that,” he apologized quickly.

“That’s alright. Are you busy?” asked Claire.

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m on a break. I’m at the studio, just finishing up some vocals for a couple tracks, but it’s nothing that can’t wait.”

“Oh… well, you should get back to work. I don’t want to keep you.”

“No, no, seriously; you’re way more important than this song.”

“Well, thanks,” Claire chuckled, and he could tell she was smiling, “but I should go anyway. I’m gonna make myself some dinner and try to chill out for awhile.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah… I’ll be fine,” she said, and her voice did sound less shaky. “Just talking to you has helped a lot. It always does.”

Invisible fingers tugged at his heart. “Back at ya,” he replied sincerely. “You were always there for me when I was going through all that shit four years ago… and I promise you, no matter what Jamie does, I’m gonna be there for you through this, alright? You do what you think is best, but make sure it’s your choice, not just his.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she laughed dryly. “You know I don’t take well to being pushed around.”

“I know,” he smiled. “Listen, I mean what I said, about coming to Iowa… not just to beat his ass, but to be there for you, if you need anyone, okay? Just call me. I’m good at pulling strings with airlines; I can be there in a few hours.”

“Thanks, Nick,” she whispered. “I’m gonna be alright though… this too shall pass, right?”

“Yeah… I know you will. You’ve always been strong,” Nick assured her.

But once they hung up, a few minutes later, he couldn’t help but think that he’d never heard her sounding more fragile. If Jamie didn’t take care of her, the way he had vowed to on their wedding day, Nick was afraid that even Claire just might break.


‘Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over, you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken hard
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You’re not alone…

- “Crash and Burn” by Savage Garden


***