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Chapter 149

Claire had trouble sleeping again that night. She and Jamie had slept together the last few nights, ever since they had finally talked and come to the decision to go ahead with the reduction. But that night, he did not come up to bed, and so Claire tossed and turned alone.

She lay in bed for what seemed like hours, but sheer mental exhaustion finally caused her to drift off. Her sleep was restless and filled with dreams. In one dream, she could hear a baby crying, just as she had a few nights ago. This time, she got up and out of bed and padded down the hall to the nursery.


The room was beautiful, decorated in cheerful shades of butter yellow. There were three cribs made of white wood, sitting side by side beneath the windows. Sheer white curtains billowed gently over them in the soft, summer breeze, and the shapes dangling from the mobiles swayed.

She hurried to the cribs, wondering which of the triplets had awoken. But when she looked inside, all three beds were empty. Her heart began to race, and she looked around in a panic. Where were they?! Where were her babies??

“Claire?” said a voice. “It’s okay, I’ve got them.”

She turned and relaxed when she saw him, rocking gently back and forth in the wooden rocking chair in the corner, a baby in each arm. They had stopped crying, she realized, though when she came closer, she saw that tears still clung to their wispy eyelashes, which fluttered at the bottom of closed lids as they sucked contentedly on their pacifiers.

She smiled at Nick, who looked right at home holding the two infants. “You sure have a way with them.”

He smiled back, sheepishly. “Eh, it’s nothing.”

“You’re right. You’re just a natural.” She bent and kissed his cheek, feeling peaceful once again. She was so lucky to have him and the twins in her life.

Wait! Not twins – triplets!

The peaceful feeling vanished at once, as panic twisted her insides again. Three! There were supposed to be three babies, not two! Three babies, one for each of the three cribs by the windows!

“Nick, wait – where is the third?? Where is-“

“It’s alright,” Nick interrupted her, smiling, still rocking as calmly as ever. “Casey’s got him, in the other room.”

“What room? Casey’s got him??” she asked in confusion.

“You know… the white room. Casey took him there. Don’t worry; he’s fine. Casey’s good with him. He always said he wanted a little brother, remember?”

“Oh…” She started to relax. Nick was right. Of course her son would be all right, if he was with Casey. Casey would take care of him.

“You should go back to bed, honey,” Nick told her. “You need your rest. I’ll put these two down in a few minutes, and then I’ll be back in.”

“Okay,” Claire said, though she was reluctant to leave. She felt so content in this room, with him and the babies. “Don’t be too long, okay? I don’t want to sleep alone.”

“I won’t be,” Nick promised. “C’mere.” He tilted his chin up and puckered his lips. Smiling, she swooped down upon him and kissed him, her insides warming with his taste.

“Goodnight,” she whispered to the two sleeping infants, kissing them each on the forehead in turn. Then she padded back out of the room, knowing that Nick would put them back to their cribs and follow her to bed in a few minutes.


And sure enough, before she knew it, the bedroom door was creaking open, and a dark silhouette was tip-toeing in. “Nick?” she murmured, lifting her head and squinting through the dim haze, her eyes struggling to make out his features.

All of a sudden, a bright light filled the room, and she sat bolt upright, instantly wide awake. For a split second, she was confused; then she looked over and saw Jamie, standing inside the doorway, his hand on the light switch and an angry expression on his face.

“Nick??” he said incredulously. “Did you just call me Nick??”

Claire blinked. “I…” Suddenly, she realized she’d been dreaming. “Oh no, did I??”

Jamie’s ice blue eyes narrowed into slits. “Yes, dear. You sure as hell did.”

She felt her face growing hot. “Sorry,” she mumbled lamely. “I just woke up from a dream. I must have still been half-asleep.”

“A dream about Nick?”

She shrugged. “I guess so.”

“You guess?”

“I don’t know! I can’t even remember now. It was just one of those stupid, random dreams; I don’t remember the details,” she lied. She didn’t think it would be a good idea to tell him it had been the second dream that week in which she had kissed Nick, and he had gone to comfort their babies, almost like he was her husband, not Jamie…

Jamie frowned, but didn’t say anything. He walked to the closet, opening the doors loudly.

“What are you doing?” she wondered. “What time is it?”

“Time for me to get ready for work. I don’t have any work clothes in the basement,” Jamie replied, none-too-kindly, as he rooted through the closet, pulling out a dress shirt and pair of slacks on hangers. “Let me just find a tie, and I’ll go get dressed in the other room so you can sleep.”

“It’s okay,” Claire said, frowning. “It’s your bedroom too; you can get dressed here.”

“That’s alright.” Jamie pulled a tie from his tie rack and added it to the pile of clothes draped over his arm. “Go back to sleep. The doctor said you needed to rest today.”

His words brought back the memory of the night before, and as he walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him, tears filled her eyes. Their baby was gone… She put her hand sadly on her growing stomach. They would not need three cribs, as there had been in her dream. Only two.

With a miserable feeling of guilt, she lay down again, pulled the covers up to her chin, and cried herself back to sleep.

***

It had been a long time since Claire had felt this depressed. The only time that compared, perhaps the lowest point in her entire life, was when she found out her leukemia had relapsed, just before Christmas almost six years ago. She’d thought she was past all of that, but in a way, what she was going through now was a direct result of that relapse. The treatment that had saved her life by putting her cancer back into remission had also caused the problems that had resulted in the abortion of one of her babies. And though she knew it wasn’t rational, it was hard not to blame herself for it.

Even worse, she was afraid that Jamie blamed her too. He hadn’t come out and said that, of course, but from the way he had been acting around her for the last week, she got the feeling that maybe he resented her for all of this. Like she was somehow inferior for not being able to get pregnant on her own, and for not being able to carry all three of the babies they’d been blessed with. Other women did it all the time. Triplets were always riskier than a single baby, sure, but there were plenty of triplets out there that were perfectly normal and healthy, proof that it could be done.

In some ways, she felt like a failure, like she’d let her husband and all three of the babies down. One of them would never have the chance to live. The other two would never know their brother or sister. And Jamie would never know his third child. Nor would she. And it was all because her body had failed her, failed them all.

She spent the day in bed, finding it hard to sleep with these thoughts on her mind. She took a leaf out of Jamie’s book and flipped channels aimlessly, hardly paying attention to any of the shows she stopped to watch. She couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes without her thoughts wandering to the baby, the unborn baby which would never get to live.

She wondered often about what her children would be like once they were born and started to grow up. But now, her thoughts were occupied only by the one, the smallest, which would never be born. Was it a boy or a girl? In her dream, it had been a boy, she realized. When Nick talked about the third baby, he said “he” and “him.” So in her mind, it had been a boy, though she’d never know for sure.

What would he have looked like? What would his name have been? What would he have acted like? Would he have taken after her or Jamie? What would he have been interested in? What would he have become? What would he have done with his life, which had been taken away from him before it could really begin, all because of a cruel twist of fate?

She knew she was only torturing herself by thinking all of these questions, but she couldn’t help but wonder. What had she deprived the world of by making this decision?

“I’m sure it’s normal to wonder all of those things, honey,” her mother assured her when Claire finally broke down and called home, desperate for someone to talk to. “In that way, it’s no different from any other big decision you make. You’ll always wonder what would have happened if you’d chosen differently. But you can’t dwell on it. You just have to keep telling yourself, you made the best decision for you and your family.”

“I’m not sure Jamie would agree,” Claire said, and her voice trembled. “He’s back to barely speaking me to me. I think he blames me for it.”

“Oh, sweetheart… don’t think that. I’m sure it’s not true. Jamie loves you. He’s got to be grieving too. Just give him some space, if that’s what he wants.”

Claire nodded. Maybe that was all it was. Maybe Jamie just needed to deal with this on his own before he could talk about it with her.

“That’s not all that’s bugging me,” she spoke up after a pause. “I’ve been having dreams lately, about the babies… and about… Nick.”

Her mother laughed. “Pregnancy will do that to you. I remember having crazy dreams when I was expecting you. So what are yours like?”

“Well, they’re pretty normal, actually, for dreams. They start out with me in bed, waking up… only I’m not really awake; it’s all in my dream. But I wake up in my dream, and I hear a baby crying… It’s happened twice, and the first time, Nick was in bed with me, and he got up and went to get the baby. The second time, I got up, and Nick was already in the babies’ room. He was rocking two babies to sleep.”

“That’s typical, honey; a lot of moms – or moms-to-be – have dreams about hearing their babies crying. After Kyle was born, I had nightmares for weeks that he was crying, but I didn’t know where he was. I looked everywhere, and I could still hear him crying and crying, but I couldn’t find him. I would wake up all upset and have to go check on him and make sure he was okay. He always was, of course, but the dreams were still traumatic.”

Claire felt impatient. Her mom was missing the point. “It’s not just the babies… I get why I’m dreaming of babies; that makes perfect sense. But why is it Nick in the dreams, and not Jamie?”

It took a few seconds for her mother to answer. Finally, she said, “Well… it’s probably just because you’re worried about you and Jamie, so your mind’s putting your ex-boyfriend in his place. Maybe… maybe, subconsciously, you wish Jamie were more like Nick in some ways – I mean, Nick was always pretty good about talking to you, right? Instead of just avoiding you?”

Claire smiled sadly. “Yeah… he would try sometimes, but I could always get stuff out of Nick. Whereas talking to Jamie is like talking to a brick wall when he gets like this.”

Her mother chuckled. “Well, everyone handles things differently. I’m sure things will get better with Jamie. You haven’t been married all that long yet; you probably just need to work on your communication. It’ll get easier with time.”

“I hope so,” Claire sighed. “It really can’t get much worse at this point. I hate it here, Mom. I have no one to talk to except him, and he barely talks to me. I’m gonna go nuts just being in this house alone all day.”

“Oh, honey… I’m so sorry. Do you want me to fly up? I can stay for a few days, a week, however long you need me. You shouldn’t have to be alone through all of this.”

The offer was tempting… she sure could have used a hug right then… but Claire wasn’t a little girl anymore; she couldn’t just make her mommy come running every time she was hurting. “No,” she said reluctantly. “Save those flier miles, okay? I’ll need you more once I’m closer to my due date.”

“Oh, you bet I’ll be flying up for the birth of my grandbabies! I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” her mother gushed excitedly. Then, sobering a bit, she added, “Hang in there, sweetheart. I know things will get better with time. You’ll start to meet people and make friends, and Jamie will come around. And I know you’re supposed to rest for today, but if you’re feeling up to it tomorrow, you should get out of that house. Explore the town; go shopping. You’re going to need plenty of maternity clothes before long; you can buy something new. Emotional shopping – that always makes me feel a little better.”

Claire smiled. “You sound like Dianna.”

“Have you talked to Dianna? You should call her. If you can’t talk to your husband, there’s always your best friend.”

“I know. I’ve talked to her a few times, but not since… yesterday…” Claire trailed off, finding it hard to put what had happened yesterday into words. It was almost too painful to say aloud.

And Dianna wouldn’t understand. She was great to talk to about guy problems and fashion decisions, but when it came to real drama, Dianna had no firsthand advice to give, so she ended up trying too hard to cheer everyone up. She was the kind of person who used band-aids for bullet wounds, dragging Claire to a movie or the mall every time there was a serious problem, in an attempt to “take her mind off of it.” But Claire wasn’t looking for a distraction, a shallow and temporary cover-up for a pain that was much to deep to be cured by an Adam Sandler movie or a new pair of shoes.

All she needed was someone to talk to, someone who could just listen and be there for her without feeling the need to give her lots of advice or try to cheer her up. She didn’t want to be cheered up. She had just lost one of her babies; she was supposed to be grieving. She wanted to talk to someone who would just give her a hug and some support and let her grieve.

In one of those odd mother/daughter “think-alike” moments, the right “someone” came to Claire’s mind seconds before her mother said it.

“I know it might seem a little awkward, given the circumstances, but… there’s also Nick. He’s always been there for you, and you always used to tell me how easy he was to talk to, how well he understood you. I’m sure that if you called him, he would listen to you.”

Unexpectedly, Claire’s eyes filled with tears. Damn those hormones again. “He would,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes. “He always does.”

“Then call him, sweetheart. You need all the support you can get.”

Claire nodded, and by the time she got off the phone with her mom, she felt a little better. It always helped her to talk to someone. Why couldn’t Jamie realize that? Well, even if he couldn’t, Nick would. He had vowed to be there for her through this, no matter what choice she made, and she knew he was good on his word. She would call him.

She checked the time, but it was still early, especially on the West coast. He would probably be working; she knew he was going to be busy until his album came out next month. Sighing, she turned the TV back on. For now, she would use Dianna’s remedy and distract herself with mindless daytime programming. Later, she would call Nick, and maybe then, the real healing would begin.

***

It was late afternoon, and Claire had found “The Wedding Singer” on TV. She had smiled when she’d come across it, remembering her earlier thought that not all problems could be cured by Adam Sandler movies.

Maybe not, but it was the only thing on TV that had held her attention for more than two minutes, so she watched it anyway. She had seen this movie many, many times; it was one of her favorites. But as the final commercial break ended, she remembered distinctly watching it with Nick.


“Aww, I love this part,” sighed Claire. “I think that’s the sweetest thing ever, writing a song for the person you love… not to mention singing it over the intercom on an airplane.”

Nick laughed. “Yeah…” he said. Claire had come over a couple hours earlier, and for lack of anything better to do, they’d found “The Wedding Singer” playing on TBS and decided to watch it.


Nick had always liked this movie too. He’d said it was one of the only romances he could tolerate because it had Adam Sander and lots of eighties music in it. She wasn’t sure why or how she could still remember such a trivial thing, as it had happened over four years ago, but she did.

She remembered that night quite vividly, now that she thought of it. It had taken place not long after Nick had lost his leg; he had only been home from the hospital for a couple of weeks, and she had come over to keep him company while AJ and Howie went out. Nick had been downright pissy, frustrated because he had been cooped up in his house, unable to walk except for to hobble around on crutches. He had gotten even more annoyed with her when she suggested going swimming, but somehow, they had both ended up in his pool with all of their clothes on. It had perked him up to realize that he could still swim, and she had been pleased to see him looking truly happy for the first time in a month.

The night had ended with them laying together in his bed, both dressed in his dry clothes and listening to Journey. She remembered feeling so content and comfortable, lying there with him, the smell of chlorine from their bodies mixing with the faint scent of his soap that lingered on his clothes, his sweet voice singing softly in her ear as she dozed. “Open Arms,” she remembered with a nostalgic smile. That was the night it had become “their song.” She had liked that song long before she met Nick, but from then on, she would forever associate it with him. Inspired by the intimacy of the moment, she had just worked up the nerve to do what she had been wanting to do for a year and kiss him, when AJ had walked in on them, embarrassing Nick and killing her chance, though it had come again two weeks later, when they’d finally kissed at The Empress theater.

Momentarily lost in the memory, she wasn’t even paying attention when Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore finally came together on the TV screen, and before she knew it, the movie was over. There was a faint smile on her lips as the credits rolled, but it quickly faded. It was bad enough that she was kissing Nick in her dreams now; she shouldn’t be sitting here smiling as she reminisced on doing it for real.

But as sad as it was, the memories of kissing Nick years ago were more vivid than the last real kiss her husband had given her. She couldn’t even remember for sure when Jamie had last kissed her, a real kiss, not just a peck on the forehead or cheek. It had probably been the day they’d moved into this house. Less than two weeks ago, though it seemed like it had been much longer. So much had happened after that day, and he hadn’t acted the same around her since. That was the last time things had actually seemed normal between them, though the world had been spinning out from under her even then.

She sighed. What was happening between Jamie and her? Why did it have to be this way? They had seemed so right together back in high school, and when they’d gotten back together, after years of managing a friendship in between, she had taken it as a sign that they were meant to be all along. But now a part of her wasn’t sure, and that scared her to death. Though he hadn’t been acting like it, he was her husband, and she was three months pregnant with his children. Now was the absolute worst time to start questioning her marriage.

But she was, and she couldn’t decide what exactly had prompted it. Was it Jamie’s behavior, or was it that she’d been dreaming about Nick lately and now couldn’t stop thinking about him? Was it because Jamie had been so distant through the reduction ordeal, or because Nick had been so supportive?

She wasn’t sure; probably, it was a combination of everything. But one thing was painfully clear: Nick, though he was halfway across the country from her, had been there for her, not in person, but in spirit. And Jamie, though he’d been physically near her, had not.

So it really came as no surprise that when she turned off the TV and reached for the phone, she took her mother’s advice and called Nick.


In a time when the sun descends alone
I ran a long, long way from home
To find a heart that’s made of stone
I will try; I just need a little time
To get your face right out of my mind
To see the world through different eyes

Every time I see you, oh I try to hide away
But when we meet, it seems I can’t let go
Every time you leave the room
I feel I’m fading like a flower

Tell me why, when I scream, there’s no reply
When I reach out, there’s nothing to find
When I sleep, I break down and cry

Every time I see you, oh I try to hide away
But when we meet, it seems I can’t let go
Every time you leave the room
I feel I’m fading like a flower

Fading like a rose
Fading like a rose
Beaten by the storm
Talking to myself
Getting washed by the rain
It’s such a cold, cold town
It’s such a cold town…

- “Fading Like a Flower” by Roxette


***