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Chapter 154

Back at the empty house in Clive, Claire sat and watched the clock as 5:30 came and went. Jamie did not come home, and after nearly an hour of waiting and wondering, Claire picked up the phone and called him.

“Hey.” Her husband’s voice was dull as he answered.

“Hi,” she replied. Deciding not to bother with the usual pleasantries, she added bluntly, “Just thought I’d call and see if you’re planning on coming home tonight.”

It took Jamie a few seconds to answer. When he did, it was not the answer she had been hoping for. “Actually, I’ve… I’ve got some stuff to do, and some stuff to think about. I need to clear my head…” he mumbled vaguely, his voice still a toneless murmur. “I’ll be home later, but it might not be till late. Don’t wait up for me.”

Wondering if Jamie’s idea of “clearing his head” meant drinking himself into oblivion again, Claire snapped “Fine!” and hung up on him in a rush of anger. Afterwards, she stared down at the phone in her hand, her vision starting to blur as tears of frustration and desperation filled her eyes. How long was this pattern going to continue? She wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take – the isolation… the resentment between her and her husband… the brief, angry exchanges that should have been long, honest conversations…

She hated living this way and feeling like this. It was a million times worse than the loneliness she’d felt living alone in Nick’s mansion when he was working in LA, and if it had not been for Nick himself being nearby in Des Moines, she might have seriously considered just packing her bags and flying home to Tampa to escape it.

But instead, she clicked on the phone again and called Nick.

***

Nick couldn’t deny it – the selfish side of him had been secretly pleased when Claire had called, upset again because Jamie had not come home after work.

Of course, a part of him was also exasperated that Jamie, even after his melodramatic breakdown barely an hour earlier, hadn’t driven straight home to grovel at her feet and attempt to ease all of the pain he had caused her. The lack of action on Jamie’s part made Nick feel more convinced than ever that Claire’s husband was nothing but a two-faced, cowardly, lying sack of shit – to put it kindly.

And because of that, he had to smile when Claire asked humbly, “Do you wanna do something tonight?”

“Yeah, totally. I thought I was gonna be bored by myself all night,” he replied casually, though on the inside, he felt elated.

He had put himself in a place of incredible power, he realized, simply by being in Des Moines for the weekend. While Jamie was neglecting her, he was the only one around she could turn to, and the more Jamie stayed away, the more he unknowingly pushed her right back into Nick’s arms. If this kept up, Nick felt confident that Claire would inevitably leave Jamie, marriage vows or not. He knew how impulsive she got when there were hormones raging through her, and sooner or later, she would decide she’d have enough and end her whole mess of a marriage. And when she did, Nick would be there for her, as he’d always been.

And if something came out of it... well, Nick wasn’t counting on that part, but he couldn’t deny that the thought had crossed his mind… and if, if it did, he sure wouldn’t mind. No matter how many times he tried to assure himself that he was over Claire, he would always feel the old tingling of feelings for her deep down inside him whenever he saw her face or heard her voice.

He sent another taxi to pick her up, and when she got into town, he took her out to dinner. She was quiet at first, Jamie on her mind, but as they ate, they both fell back into the comfortable aura that had surrounded them that morning and the night before, and she soon became more of her usual, talkative self. Looking at her across the table, it wasn’t hard for Nick to imagine that they were eating at a restaurant in Tampa instead of Des Moines, that she wasn’t pregnant with Jamie’s babies but still dreaming about how she and Nick would be parents one day, that they were just as they had been three years ago, happy together and engaged to be married.

Nick knew it wasn’t healthy to keep dwelling on the past, but his memories painted a much prettier picture than the reality of Claire starting a family with a man who abandoned her every time she needed him. That picture had doom written all over it in slashes of stark, red paint, and, noticing Claire’s pale face and weary eyes as she glanced up from her plate, Nick got the impression that he wasn’t the only one who could see it. Though Claire was trying to carry on a conversation and act like she was okay, she took on a look of worry and defeat every time there was a lull, her eyes glazing slightly as her mind inevitably wandered back to Jamie.

Nick wished he could find a way to take her mind off of everything and cheer her up, if only temporarily, and so he suggested going to see a movie after dinner. Claire seemed to contemplate it for a moment, then scrunched up her face and asked, “Would you mind if we just rented something instead? I don’t think I can sit through a whole movie without having to get up and go to the bathroom, and I hate doing that in the middle of movie theaters. But god, I feel like I have to pee every ten minutes, and I’m not even three months pregnant yet. By the time I’m ready to push these kids out, I’m gonna be going every ten seconds. Might as well just have myself cathed so I can pee into a bag and not worry about it at that point,” she laughed, as they stood on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, waiting for a cab.

Nick made a face, though he was amused as ever by her brashness. There wasn’t much Claire was embarrassed to talk about, especially in front of him. She was exaggerating, but he had noticed that she had gone to the ladies room at the restaurant both before dinner and right before they’d left, and of course, he had teased her about it. Still, he understood why she wouldn’t want to go out to a movie, and so he replied, “Sure. You wanna just head back to my hotel and see what’s on pay-per-view?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.” She smiled, as he turned and put out his hand to hail a taxi.

When they got back to Nick’s hotel room, Claire immediately stretched out on the large bed, as she had the night before. “My poor ankles,” she moaned, lifting one of her swollen feet into the air. “Cankles, is more like it. Gross.”

Nick laughed as he climbed on next to her. “Lemme see,” he said, motioning for her to move her foot towards him. She twisted around on the bed so that she was now sprawled sideways across it and, of course, stuck her bare feet right in his face with a gleeful smile. Nick made an exaggerated face. “Well, they smell a little ripe,” he added, calmly pushing her feet down, “but other than that, they’re not too gross. Not as gross as AJ’s feet anyway.”

Claire giggled. “AJ has gross feet?”

Nick shrugged. “All guys have gross feet, don’t they? Well, except for me – I just have one gross foot. The other one’s plastic.” He cracked a smile, and she smiled back, sticking her tongue out at him.

“At least plastic feet don’t puff up like goddamn marshmallows,” she replied, glaring comically at her feet, which were currently sitting in Nick’s lap. “How am I gonna fit those things into my shoes when it’s too cold to wear flip-flops?”

“If you come back to Florida, you won’t need to worry about it,” Nick said automatically, without even thinking. When he realized what he’d said, he looked over at Claire, just in time to see a shadowy look flicker across her face.

“I wish I could,” she said quietly, all humor cast out of her voice. “I can’t say living here has been the best experience so far. It’s been nothing but hell since we moved here. I’m trying to have a good attitude about it, but how can I, when everything started going wrong as soon as we got here?”

“I don’t blame ya,” replied Nick, rubbing the top of her left foot.

Claire sighed and flopped her head dramatically back onto the mattress. “I just hope things will be different once the babies are born,” she murmured, running her hand across her stomach. “And I keep praying to God that nothing else will go wrong. I just don’t think I can take one more thing, Nick. Two healthy babies… that’s all I want. Otherwise, I will have sacrificed the third for nothing…”

Nick squeezed her foot harder. “You didn’t do it for nothing,” he reassured her firmly. “It’ll all work out. Everything happens for a reason, right? That’s what you’ve always said.”

Lifting her head, Claire offered him a thin smile. “I hope so.”

He returned the smile tightly and picked up her foot, starting to massage it gently, from her toes to her swollen ankle. Claire giggled at first, as his fingers ran across her arch, but she was soon sighing in ecstasy. “Oh my God, that feels so good,” she moaned. “Why didn’t I ever make you give me foot rubs when we were-” She cut herself off abruptly, but Nick smiled knowingly.

“Together?” he supplied, and their eyes locked momentarily. Then they both looked away. They had beaten the odds and managed to maintain a close friendship after their engagement ended… but there would always be an awkwardness there. And, for Nick at least, a wistfulness, a yearning for what had been. Even though she had been the one to end it, he wondered if Claire ever felt the same way. She was sure blushing now, but she tried to hide it.

“Yeah,” she said, recovering quickly. “How come I never got a foot massage from you then, mister?”

“Cause I was too busy rubbing your back?”

“Mmm…” She smiled. “You’re good at that too.”

“So are you.”

It happened again then – the meeting of eyes, followed by the quick diversion of gazes and, this time, a pair of awkward chuckles. Nick looked back down, pretending to suddenly be very interested in her foot as he worked it between his hands. Its bottom was rough, her sole thick and callused from years of walking around barefoot, but the top was surprisingly soft and smooth.

“You’ve got a flip-flop line,” he laughed, running his fingers across two strips of skin that were paler white than the rest of her foot, exactly in the shape of flip-flop straps.

“Still?” she joined in the laughter, sitting up to look. “I’m surprised it’s still there – I haven’t exactly been out in the sun much the last couple of weeks. Maybe it’s just permanent by now.”

“Typical Florida girl,” Nick smiled. “Maybe it’ll fade after you’ve been here all winter.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me again,” she groaned, letting herself topple backwards onto the bed once more. “I’m gonna have to find some big, roomy snow boots.”

“You can make snow angels.”

“I’d rather make sand angels.”

They exchanged glances again, and Nick started laughing at her expression of defiance. She soon joined in, and before long, she was laughing uncontrollably, the way girls sometimes did. He wasn’t sure what was so funny, but it was nice to hear her laugh. It must have been nice for her too, because when she was finally finished, there were tears streaming down the sides of her face. At first, he was worried, but then he realized she was smiling.

Letting out a sigh, she turned her face toward him and said, “Thank you for coming here. I really needed this. You can always make me laugh.”

Nick returned her smile, feeling drawn to her bright eyes. He wasn’t even sure what exactly he had done to make her feel better, but he was glad he had come too.

***

The house in Clive was dark and empty when Claire returned to it later that night. She sighed as she entered, turning on lights and locking the door behind her. Jamie wasn’t home, and she wondered why she had bothered coming back at all. It had just seemed wrong to spend a second night in Nick’s hotel room, even if she did feel a hell of a lot happier there.

She undressed and climbed into her own bed instead, the bed she shared with Jamie on a regular night. But tonight, the bed was cold and empty, and as she slid beneath the cool sheets on her side, rolling away from the empty side and hugging a pillow to her chest, she couldn’t help but long for the familiar comfort of a strong pair of arms around her.

Being pregnant – and, especially, being pregnant and living so far away from her family – had made her feel unusually vulnerable, and she envied the pregnant women who had doting husbands to share in their excitement. This was supposed to be a happy time for her and Jamie… and instead, they were barely speaking, sleeping in different places, grieving privately over their loss and not together, the way they should have been. It made her angry, but more than anything, it made her sad. And whenever she went to bed alone and laid in the dark, quiet bedroom with only her own thoughts for company, the melancholy was at its worst.

She had been hoping and dreaming for this for years – a husband, children on the way… a family. And now, the whole thing was turning into a disaster. With each passing day, she hoped and prayed that things would get better, but so far they hadn’t. And the longer Jamie acted this way, the more afraid she became. What was going to happen to them? She loved Jamie… but she wasn’t happy, and she knew she could not stay in an unhappy marriage. She owed herself more than that. But the thought of divorce, when she had been married not even eight months, was depressing and terrifying.

It wasn’t that she couldn’t stand to be alone again. She could… she knew she could. She was strong and independent, and if she had to leave Jamie for her own wellbeing, she would. It would be hard, terribly hard, and crushing, to realize that her marriage had failed… but she would pick herself up and go on with her life.

But it wasn’t just about her now. There were children involved… two children who were not yet born, but whom Claire already loved unconditionally. And though she loved them with all her heart, the thought of raising twins on her own was overwhelming. It scared her. How would she ever handle caring for and supporting two babies, all by herself? She knew she wouldn’t be totally alone – if it came to that, she would move back to Florida in a heartbeat, to be near her family, and they would help her. But her parents wouldn’t be around forever, and her own health was always a threat. What if, God forbid, something happened to her? Who would take care of the twins then?

There in the darkness, Claire could feel her pulse quicken as her thoughts ran away from her. Few people knew how she sometimes overreacted, letting herself become overwhelmed with thoughts and worries, because she was good at staying calm on the outside. But on the inside, her heart thumped with the terror of what could happen if her marriage fell apart.

Jamie had to come around. He had to be there for her and their babies. He had stood at her side before an altar and taken vows; he had sat next to her at all of her appointments at the fertility clinic, as they both hoped and prayed that she could conceive. Sooner or later, he was going to come home and honor his commitments; he was going to see her through this pregnancy and be a father to his children. He had to.

The last thing she remembered doing before she drifted off to sleep was praying, praying that someone would get through to Jamie and send him home to her.

***

When she awoke the next morning, Claire found that her prayers had been answered. A lap tray sat poised on Jamie’s side of the bed, and it held all the makings of a perfect breakfast in bed. A glass of orange juice sloshed precariously as she sat up, the mattress moving beneath her weight, and next to it sat a large plate lined with French toast sticks, strips of bacon, and three eggs sunny-side-up.

The food had been arranged to spell out “I’M SORRY!” on her plate.

The smell of the bacon and eggs, which would normally make her mouth water, made her feel sort of queasy, and she knew she would never be able to eat all of that food, but the message made her smile. A little. “I’m sorry” spelled out in greasy food wasn’t the sincerest apology Claire had ever received, but it was a nice, creative start.

She looked around for any other sign of Jamie and smiled again when she spotted the large vase of fresh flowers perched on her night table. The clear vase was crammed full of lavender roses and darker purple hyacinths, fifteen blossoms in all. The small card tied to the vase read, again, I’m sorry.

“Jamie?” she called, and within a minute, he appeared, looking sheepish, nervous, and hopeful, all at once.

“Morning,” he said quietly and offered a very slight smile.

She didn’t let herself smile back. “What is all this?” she asked, motioning to the flowers and the breakfast tray.

“Think of it as a peace offering,” said Jamie, looking wary as he came closer and perched on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, Clairie. I… I know I haven’t been there for you, the way I should have been. I’m a crappy excuse for a husband.” He looked at her cautiously, and when she didn’t argue his last point, his cheeks flushed slightly. But he didn’t give up. “I just wanna make it up to you,” he offered, leaning closer to her and giving her his well-practiced puppy dog face. “Will you give me a chance to do that?”

“Is this what you think it’s gonna take? French toast and flowers?” she asked wryly, trying to keep a straight face.

Jamie smirked. “Have you seen this?” he asked, pulling a small envelope out from under her plate. He handed it to her wordlessly, and she tore it open in curiosity. A small card fell out – a gift certificate for an expensive package at a local spa, she realized when she turned it over and read it.

“Wow,” was all she could say.

Jamie seemed to take this as a good sign. “You deserve to be pampered. I want you to go all out – massage, facial, mud bath, manicure, pedicure, and whatever else they do at that place,” he babbled in a rush. “Get whatever you want.”

Claire toyed with the card in her hand, not sure what to say. She could tell that Jamie was pleased with himself; he must have thought that sending her for a spa treatment was the perfect way to make up for the way he had been treating her. And it was nice, sure… but as she looked from the package listing on the card to the hopeful smile on his face, Claire couldn’t help but think that maybe her husband didn’t know her as well as she thought he should have. If he did, he might have realized that she would have much rather just received a massage from him on a quiet, romantic night at home. He might have known that she didn’t care about fancy spas; all she really wanted was his love and compassion.

But he didn’t seem to realize that. And so, even though she thanked him, she felt oddly hollow inside, void of the kind of gratitude she should have had. Some warmth filled that void when he hugged her, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, but a part of her still felt cold towards him, even as she returned the hug.

If Jamie wanted to make things up to her, he was going to have to do a hell of a lot better than that.

***

Saturday morning found Nick lying on the bed in his hotel room, playing with his phone. The weekend had only just begun, and already, his manager and publicist had been calling to find out when he would be coming back to LA. “I don’t know yet,” he kept saying, much to their frustration. “It might be tomorrow; it might be in a few more days. It just depends.”

“Depends on what?” they would ask, but he brushed their questions aside. How could he really explain what was going on with Claire and why he felt like he had to be here for her? The truth was, he had no intention of leaving Des Moines until he felt sure that she would be okay… but he knew that was not the answer they were looking for. He didn’t care, though; Claire’s wellbeing was more important than whatever was going on in LA, and right now, he was worried about her.

It wasn’t like her to be as overly emotional and needy as he had seen her these last two days, and though he chalked some of that up to pregnancy, he knew that Jamie was the real cause. Remembering the other man’s tears in his office the previous afternoon, Nick wondered if Jamie was going to step it up and start taking care of his wife.

He was still thinking of their conversation yesterday when his phone started to vibrate in his hand. He glanced down in annoyance, expecting to see Johnny’s or Kenneth’s name again, but he found Claire’s blinking up at him instead. “Hey,” he answered the phone cautiously, wondering if he was going to be greeted by a happy Claire or a crying, upset one. He just never knew what to expect from her these days.

“Hey, you,” Claire replied. She didn’t exactly sound chipper, but she definitely wasn’t crying either, and for that, he was glad.

“What’s goin’ on?” he asked casually. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. Morning sickness is a bitch, but other than that, things are a little better. Jamie came home.”

“Oh,” said Nick, his brows lifting with interest. “Uh, how’s that going?”

“Okay. He apologized, anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Flowers, breakfast in bed, spa package – the works. It was nice. Sweet. Sincere? We’ll see. I hope so.”

“I hope so too,” Nick replied, though his jaw clenched slightly in protest as he said it. He did hope so, for Claire’s sake, but the same selfish part of him that had been happy when she’d come to him again last night was secretly enjoying the fact that Jamie was screwing up so badly. He didn’t want Claire to be unhappy… but it was still hard to see her happy with him.

Even so, he was glad that Jamie had taken his advice and was trying to make things up to her. And, more importantly, he was glad that Claire seemed to be okay, at least for now. By the time he got off the phone with her, he felt better about flying back to Los Angeles.

Johnny sounded pleased when Nick called to tell him he would be back in LA by the following night.

***

“You gonna be okay?”

As he voiced the question, Nick’s eyes swept over Claire, who stood opposite him in the center of his large hotel room. She had come straight over to the hotel after going to church with Jamie that morning to say goodbye, for it was Sunday, and Nick had a seat on a flight out of Des Moines early that afternoon. Claire seemed calmer and happier and certainly looked more pulled-together than she had all weekend, dressed in her church clothes – a simple brown skirt and peasant blouse that draped gracefully over her growing stomach.

Still, Nick felt uncertain about leaving.

He knew it wasn’t his place to “take care” of her – Claire was an adult, and she could take care of herself. But after witnessing the fragile emotional state she had been in lately, he hated to leave her with only Jamie nearby… Jamie, who had proven himself utterly worthless in times of crisis. The guy may have taken Nick’s advice and apologized, but Nick certainly wasn’t convinced that he had changed in any way, and Claire didn’t seem to be either.

Nonetheless, the two of them were back on speaking terms and sleeping side by side again, and Claire seemed to think they were going to be able to work things out. “I’ll be fine,” she told Nick now, offering a confident smile. “It’s helped me so much just to be able to get away from the house and talk to someone else… and the time apart seems like it’s helped Jamie too. We’re gonna be alright…”

But as she spoke the words, her smile faded, and Nick could tell she didn’t feel as confident as she wanted him to believe. He knew she wanted to believe it herself… but a part of her was still worried and full of doubts.

He wanted to call her on it… but he didn’t. Instead, he gave her a hug, whispering into her ear, “I know you will.” He didn’t mean the plural “you”… but she didn’t have to know that. She was the one he was concerned for – it didn’t matter to him if she and Jamie made it together or not, as long as Claire was okay. And he knew she would be. Though he’d seen her at her weakest, he had no doubt that she was still as strong as she’d always been, deep down. No matter what happened to her marriage, she would survive.

“Thanks, Nick,” Claire murmured, squeezing him back. As she pulled away, she looked up at him and offered a crooked smile. “I wish you weren’t so far away. I wish we could hang out more, like we used to. It almost felt like old times this weekend, you know? It was… nice.”

“Nice break from the craziness, right?” Nick said knowingly, returning the smile. She had always been the same for him, the kind of friend who could take his mind off of all the other crap going on in his life. When he was with her, nothing seemed quite as bad.

“Exactly. But hopefully… hopefully things won’t be so crazy now,” she went on, but as she did, her voice wavered. She still had a lot on her mind; he could tell. He could hear her struggling to keep her composure, but even as she tried to smile, her bottom lip quivered. She pulled it between her teeth, biting down hard.

Nick watched her in sympathy for a few seconds and then pulled her gently back into his arms. He could feel her body stiffen and then relax limply against him, as the fight to keep control went out of her. “Listen,” he said soothingly, rubbing her back, “things are gonna get better for you. One way or the other, they have to, right? And until they do, I’m here for you, anytime you need me. Even if I’m not here here, you can call me whenever, and if you really need me, I’ll come to you, alright? You’re not gonna be alone through this.”

When Claire pulled back and looked at him this time, there were tears in her eyes, but her smile was genuine. She nodded and brushed his arm as she let go of him. “You know I don’t deserve to be treated this nicely by you, after everything I’ve put you through,” she said with a short, humorless laugh. “But I hope you also know how much I appreciate it.” Her shining eyes met his, and he felt himself being drawn into their light blue depths. “Thank you, Nick,” she whispered.

A few minutes later, she was gone. Nick stood alone in the spot where she had stood, in the middle of a hotel room that seemed too big and too empty.

Realizing he had only a short time to finish packing and check out of the hotel, he started to pull the shirt he had slept in over his head. As the fabric passed over his face, he caught a whiff of coconut and was hit with déjà vu. It was her scent, that of the shampoo she had been using since before they lived together and apparently still did, and it clung to the t-shirt, a lingering remnant of her hug.

He closed his eyes, letting the memories wash over him for just a moment. Then, forcing himself to snap out of his reverie, he yanked the shirt off and tossed it into his open suitcase. The longer he stayed here, the longer he would keep dwelling on the past, secretly hoping that he and Claire could find their way back to those times together.

It was time for him to leave.


Don’t you know, it’s time for me to go
Even though it hurts to see you cry
But don’t you know, you’ll never be alone
If you hold me deep inside

You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There’s one last thing to you I wanna say

Baby, there’s no goodbyes
I’ll always be right by your side
Though I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay
With you always

Now I’ve pictures in the distance
Even though it seems a million miles
But there’ll be no space between us
I’ll be there every time you close your eyes
Yes, I will

You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There’s one last thing to you I wanna say

Baby, there’s no goodbyes
I’ll always be right by your side
Though I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay
With you always

I don’t wanna say the words that people say
‘Cause when I go away, my love will stay
In the heart of you, to help you make it through
Baby, that is why there can be no
No goodbyes…

- “No Goodbyes” by Blue


AN: Thanks to Franzi for the song lyrics! Also thanks to Laureen for her help with this chapter!

***