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Chapter 160

“Amber?” Claire’s voice shook as she came back up the hall, calling for her sister-in-law.

Amber was in the living room, supervising as Kyle took a box knife to the large Christmas tree box he and Jamie had hauled in and sliced through the tape that had kept the box sealed for the past year. When she heard Claire, she turned, giving her a questioning look.

Not wanting to freak out the rest of the family all at once, Claire simply beckoned her into the hallway. The look on her face must have been enough for Amber, who came at once, following her into the privacy of the hall.

“Claire? What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Claire shook her head, her throat feeling so tight that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to get an explanation out. “I’m bleeding,” she finally managed to choke out.

“Bleeding?” Amber looked momentarily confused. “Wh-“

“Down there,” Claire added meaningfully, and as Amber’s eyes met hers, she could see the comprehension click. Her sister-in-law’s brown eyes went wide with concern.

“How much?” she asked in a hushed voice, putting a hand on Claire’s shoulder and walking her slowly down the hall, further away from the others.

“Not… not a lot,” Claire said slowly, “but I’m also cramping. It’s been going on for awhile; I thought it was just indigestion. But…”

Amber nodded. “We should get you to the hospital.” Her voice was calm, but the look on her face was grave.

“Oh God…” Claire began to tremble all over. She knew Amber was right, but she didn’t want to face the prospect that something could be very wrong with her pregnancy. “It’s too late for me to be having a miscarriage, isn’t it?” she asked desperately, keeping her voice low. “I’m twenty-three weeks!”

Amber squeezed her shoulder gently, her eyes filled with a blend of worry and sympathy. “Sweetie, I think after twenty weeks, they just call it preterm labor.”

Claire’s eyes widened, and she started to shake her head. “No, no, I can’t be going into labor! It’s too soon!!”

“Come on,” Amber said, her voice soft, but firm, sliding her arm around Claire’s waist. “We need to tell Jamie what’s going on and head to the hospital. They’ll be able to tell us exactly what’s going on there.”

Claire nodded miserably, letting Amber nudge her forward and walk her back up the hall. Once they turned the corner into the living room, she also let Amber do the talking, trembling as she listened to Amber explain the situation to Jamie and Kyle in hushed tones.

Jamie hurried over to her at once, pelting her with concerned questions. “When did this start? How long have you been having cramps? Why didn’t you say anything??”

“I… I didn’t know; I thought it was just indigestion. And then I saw the blood…”

Jamie paled, but at the same time, he seemed to steel himself for what had to be done. Putting his arm around Claire, he said, “Okay, I guess that doesn’t matter now. Let’s just get to the hospital and find out what’s going on, alright?”

“I’ll drive you,” Kyle volunteered quickly. As he started to pat his pockets, looking for his keys, Amber jumped in.

“Actually, honey, maybe I should go with them.” Looking at Claire, she asked, “What do you think?”

Claire looked between her brother and sister-in-law and realized quickly who she would rather have with her. As much as she loved Kyle, she knew he wouldn’t be much calmer than Jamie would, and she didn’t need two men freaking out around her while she lay in a hospital bed, waiting to find out what was happening to her babies. Amber was the level-headed one and the only other woman, the only one among them who had been through a pregnancy herself.

Quickly, Claire nodded. “Kyle, let Amber come. I… I just think I want another woman with me, you know?”

Kyle looked slightly hurt, but he took the disappointment well. Nodding, he replied, “Alright. I’ll stay here with Kam. Call me as soon as you know anything though, okay?” He directed the last question at his wife, giving her a meaningful look.

Amber nodded. “Of course I will. And you should probably wait to call your parents until we know something… you don’t want to freak them out over nothing, and for all we know, this could be nothing. We just need to make sure.”

Please, please let it be nothing, Claire prayed silently, knowing how devastated she would be if something happened to her babies. After all she had been through to conceive them and keep them, she couldn’t bear the thought of losing them now.

Kyle pulled her into a hug before they left, whispering into her ear, “It’ll be alright, Claire-Bear. Stay positive.”

She nodded as he released her, but couldn’t find anything to say in return. She couldn’t think of anything but getting to the hospital and finding out what was happening to her and the babies.

“I guess we should just go to St. Petersburg General,” commented Amber as she started her car a few minutes later, glancing back at Jamie and Claire in the rear-view mirror. Jamie had insisted on riding in the backseat with Claire. “It’s the closest.”

Claire was about to agree, wanting to get there quickly, but then she had a thought. “No, let’s go to Tampa General. My OB before we moved, Dr. Valerio, practices there. I… I’d feel better if I could be seen by someone who knows me and my history.”

Amber hesitated. Jamie even protested. But Claire was insistent, and finally, they agreed. As Amber got on the interstate to head to Tampa, Jamie pulled out his cell phone and said, “I’m going to call ahead, make sure they can get Dr. Valerio there to meet us.”

“Do you have the number?” asked Amber, glancing into her mirror again.

“I think I’ve got it,” Claire remembered, reaching for her purse, which she would have forgotten, had it not been for Amber grabbing it for her on the way out of the house. She got out her own cell phone, and sure enough, there was the number, stored in her contacts. She’d programmed it in years ago, back when she’d visited Tampa General on a regular basis, in case of emergencies. Passing her phone to Jamie, she said, “Just use mine.”

As Amber sped down the interstate and Jamie demanded to be transferred to the obstetrics department at Tampa General, Claire slumped against the window and gazed out into the night. The interstate was dark and practically deserted. After all, it was Thanksgiving, remembered Claire. Everyone else was at home with their families, relaxing and enjoying time together as they digested their dinners, as she had been just an hour ago, not a worry on her mind. Why did it have to change? Why did everything always seem to go wrong for her?

The shadowy scenery blurred before her eyes as tears welled up into them. She was so terrified of losing everything she had sacrificed so much to hold onto. She had already lost one baby, in an effort to save the others. She couldn’t bear the thought that she could be losing them too.

“Thanks, Dr. Valerio. Thank you so much.” Jamie’s voice cut into Claire’s thoughts, and she turned away from the window, realizing she had tuned his entire conversation out. He flipped her phone shut and handed it back to her, offering a grim smile. “We’re in luck. She’s on call tonight; she was already at the hospital. I talked to her, and she said we were right to come in. She’ll see us when we get there.”

“Good,” murmured Claire, feeling slightly better, but not much.

Jamie reached for her hand and held onto it the rest of the way to the hospital. The trip was mostly silent after that, and the half-hour drive seemed to take much longer, as Claire sat cradling her belly and worrying the entire time. Beside her, Jamie was stiff and stoic, hiding his own worry inside. She was waiting for the moment when he would flip out, but so far, he hadn’t.

Before tonight, Claire had thought she would be excited to see the Tampa skyline looming in front of her, but under the circumstances, it meant nothing to her, nothing except that they were finally nearing the hospital. When Amber finally pulled into the all-too-familiar hospital complex, Claire’s stomach flip-flopped with nerves and nausea. She had thought her next hospital stay would finally be for a good reason, the birth of her twins. But even if the twins were to be born tonight, it wouldn’t be a good thing. She knew it was much too soon… they would never survive at twenty-three weeks.

Stop it, she coached herself, as Amber parked the car outside the main entrance. That’s not going to happen. Even if I am in labor, they’ll stop it. They’ll know that it’s too early.

She still didn’t feel like she was in labor. As Jamie and Amber walked to the entrance, she wasn’t screaming with the pain of contractions; physically, she felt pretty good, except for the cramping, which came and went. If those were contractions, they weren’t very strong.

Following Kyle’s advice, she tried to stay positive as Jamie went up to talk to the woman at the admissions desk. Soon after, a nurse dressed in scrubs with festive autumn leaves appeared with a wheelchair to take Claire up to the obstetrics floor. “You’ll be evaluated in labor and delivery,” the nurse told her as she whisked her off to an elevator. “It’s standard procedure; they just have the best equipment to monitor you with there.”

Claire nodded, fully grateful to be bypassing the emergency room.

On the second floor of the hospital, the maternity ward, Claire was taken to a private room, given a gown to change into, and immediately hooked up to all of the standard equipment needed to track her vital signs, including a fetal monitor, which was strapped across her belly.

“Your babies both have a nice, strong heartbeat,” observed her nurse, Jen, offering a reassuring smile. “That’s a good sign at least.”

Claire was encouraged by that news; at least nothing seemed to be wrong with the twins inside her womb. But she was still terrified of what would happen if her body decided it was time for them to be born.

Thankfully, Dr. Valerio was quick in coming to examine her. Claire hadn’t seen her former obstetrician in nearly four months, so it took a few minutes to get her caught up. The last time she had sat in Dr. Valerio’s office, Claire thought sadly, she had still been carrying triplets.

“I’d like to do an ultrasound and then a pelvic exam. We’ll get to the bottom of this, Claire,” promised Dr. Valerio, as Jen wheeled over the ultrasound equipment. Claire lay perfectly still, clutching Jamie’s hand, as the doctor poked and prodded. The suspense was terrible, and she found herself focusing on a small pin of a winged horse the nurse, Jen, was wearing on the pocket of her scrub top, in an effort to keep herself from thinking too much about anything else.

Pegasus, she thought, staring at the pin. The flying horse from Greek mythology. He’d been mentioned in the myths she and Jamie had heard from tour guides on their honeymoon in Greece.

At the thought of their honeymoon, unexpected tears sprang to her eyes. She would never forget how happy they had been, as they’d traveled through the Greek islands together, relishing in their first few days and nights as husband and wife, talking and dreaming about all the days and years to come, as they planned for the future. For many newlyweds, children were conceived on honeymoons. For Jamie and Claire, the idea of their children had been conceived.


“Hey, Jamie?”

“Hey, Clairie?” he mimicked her.

She smiled. “I was just thinking… were you serious when you said you definitely want to have kids?”

He shifted in bed, rolling over so that they were face to face. “Of course,” he replied. “I’ve always wanted kids; you know that.”


He had always wanted kids, and so had she, and now, eight months later, they were so close. But while they were on the verge of becoming parents, she feared they were also teetering on the brink of losing their babies, and that thought scared her more than any other ever had. Lying in the hospital bed, her feet in stirrups, waiting for anything from Dr. Valerio, Claire felt more worried and terrified than she had even when she had been diagnosed with leukemia.

Because it wasn’t just about her now. It was about the twin babies growing inside of her. And it was about Jamie. She chanced a glance at her husband and found him staring down at his lap, his jaw tightly clenched, his complexion very pale. He was struggling as much as she was, and she knew he wasn’t good at handling his emotions, at handling sadness or grief. What would happen to the two of them, if they lost these babies?

Our marriage would fall apart. Uninvited, the thought entered her brain. She didn’t want to think it, didn’t want to believe it, but there it was, and she could not deny the possibility of it being true. She and Jamie had been on a rocky road these last few months. Sometimes it seemed her pregnancy was the only thing holding them together. If she lost it, what would happen? What would Jamie do? What would he think? Would he blame her? Or would he just lock himself up in his grief and shut her out?

“Claire?” Claire’s thoughts were interrupted as Jen’s voice cut in, Pegasus flying out of her line of sight as the nurse twisted towards one of the monitors. “Are you alright, honey? Your blood pressure’s spiking. Try and calm down, alright, sweetie? Take a deep breath.”

Claire obeyed, inhaling deeply, but as she exhaled, the tears began to slip out, sliding down her cheeks.

Jamie’s grip tightened on her hand, and all of a sudden, he was standing over her, kissing the tears from her face, whispering urgently, “Don’t cry, Clairie… come on, don’t cry.”

But the sudden show of emotion, of compassion, just made her want to cry more. Please, she begged God silently, bearing down on Jamie’s hand, please don’t take these babies away from Jamie and me.

“Claire?” Dr. Valerio spoke up from the foot of her bed. “I know you’re upset, but you need to try and relax. Go ahead and put your legs down.” She helped Claire out of the stirrups and slid her stool around to the side of the bed, so that Claire could again see her face. It looked very serious. Taking Claire’s free hand, the doctor gave it a squeeze. “Listen to me carefully now. What you’re experiencing now is early labor. It’s not a miscarriage. It’s what we call preterm labor."

“But it’s too soon! You have to stop it! Can you stop it??” she asked pleadingly, staring into the obstetrician’s deep brown eyes.

“I will certainly try. In most cases, it’s possible to stop preterm labor, especially as early as you are. I’m going to have Jen start you on an IV of magnesium sulfate. It’s a medication that stops contractions. If we’re lucky, it will stop your labor altogether. In the meantime, I’d also like to give you a steroid that will help your babies’ lungs mature faster, just in case.”

“Just in case what? They can’t be born now… they’re only twenty-three weeks! They’ll die, won’t they? That’s so premature…” Claire murmured, her voice shaking.

Dr. Valerio pursed her lips. “Twenty-four weeks is usually the earliest we declare babies to be viable… that is, able to survive outside the womb, yes. That said, we’ll do everything we can to prevent your labor from progressing that far. With any luck, we’ll be able to stop it. But even if we do, you could go into labor again within a matter of days or weeks. The steroids will help mature your babies’ lungs for if that happens.”

“Okay,” said Claire, nodding. “Give me the steroids then; give me whatever. I’ll do anything to help them.” She looked to Jamie for his approval, and he nodded wordlessly. He looked stricken, in shock.

“Jen, start the IV then. Magnesium sulfate, 100 milliliters per hour, and dexamethasone, 6 megs,” ordered Dr. Valerio. Then, turning back to Claire, she added, “We’re going to get you started on those drugs. I’m going to go see some other patients, and I’ll be back to check on you soon. In the meantime, try to relax. I know it’s not easy, but you won’t be doing your babies any good by panicking. They can sense when you’re upset.”

Claire nodded, knowing her doctor was right, but it was hard to will her body into taking her advice. Try to relax? Yeah, right.

***


Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire,
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight…


Time passed slowly, slower, it seemed, than the sluggish drips of Claire’s IV, the only thing that could stop her body from forcing her twins out into the world months too soon. She watched the drips and the clock; neither seemed to be moving very fast.

Thankfully, neither was her labor. That was the only good news Dr. Valerio had to offer, as she came by regularly to look between Claire’s legs. Her cervix was dilated, but only slightly, and it hadn’t opened any more since she’d gotten there. The bad news was that the contractions hadn’t yet stopped. They came and went, one every ten minutes or so, not nearly as strong or as painful as she’d expected a contraction to be, but still noticeable. They really did feel like menstrual cramps, and it was hard to believe that what she’d mistaken as indigestion was really labor.

It was scary, really; if it hadn’t been for the blood, she might not have thought to go to the hospital until she was much further along and it was too late. At least now, there was a chance of stopping her labor and saving her babies. She kept praying and praying that the drugs dripping slowly into her vein would work.

Jamie and Amber sat in the room with her, neither of them saying much. Amber had called Kyle twice already, but no one had called her parents or Jamie’s mother. They had all agreed that it would be better to wait until they knew more, until it became clear which way this situation was going to go. For now, it was just a waiting game. There was nothing anyone could do but that. Wait.

Amber, who, until she’d become a mother herself, had earned a living teaching six- and seven-year-olds, had the patience of a saint, but Jamie was getting restless. He sat hunched in a chair next to Claire’s bed, tapping his foot against the tiled floor as a way of letting out his pent-up frustration. After awhile, it got on Claire’s nerves, and she said, “Hey, honey? Why don’t you go take a walk up and down the hall or something?”

“What?” Jamie looked over at her in confusion. “No, I’m fine. I want to stay with you.”

“Well, that’s admirable, but seriously. That foot-tapping is making me nervous. Go get a soda or something – just nothing caffeinated. Alright?” She offered him a thin smile, trying to lighten the mood.

His attempt to smile back was feeble. The worry in his eyes made it impossible. “Alright,” he muttered. “I’ll be back. Come find me if anything changes,” he added, looking at Amber.

She nodded. “Of course.”

When he left, Claire let out a sigh. “He’s being a trooper this time. He has such a hard time dealing with all this stuff, and I know I’ve put him through a hell of a lot of it. He got more than he bargained for with that whole ‘in sickness and in health’ thing.”

Amber offered her a sympathetic smile. “That’s not your fault, sweetheart. You’d been through a lot already, and he never stopped loving you. And when you love someone, you stay with them through anything. It’s just a given. If he were in the hospital, you’d be there for him too.”

“I know. But with me, it seems like it’s always something. Even an event as joyous as having a baby turns into a disaster for me. I’m just waiting for him to decide he’s had enough.”

“Aww, you don’t mean that, do you?” Amber gave her a hard look. “I mean, have you and Jamie really been having problems?”

Claire sighed again. “Yes and no. I know he loves me, but we have been having problems, and all of this stuff isn’t helping anything. Do you know what a strain it put on our marriage when we had to decide to reduce to twins? We didn’t talk to each other for days… and sometimes I still worry that he resents me for it. Amber, if we lose these babies too, I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. It’s going to tear us apart.”

“Oh, Claire, you can’t think like that,” Amber urged. “You don’t know what’s going to happen. Even if, God forbid, you did lose this pregnancy, it wouldn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. You and Jamie would get through it together. And you could always try again.”

Claire shook her head slowly, tears filling her eyes. “I don’t know if he would want to. I don’t know if I would want to,” she confessed in a hushed voice, almost ashamed to admit it. “When I think of how much we’ve had to go through just to get to this point… all the worry and the doubts and sacrifices… I don’t know if I’d feel like doing it all over again, if I knew that it had turned out to be for nothing. Maybe we’d just try to adopt instead. Only… only I don’t know if that’s what Jamie would want. He wants kids of his own; he always has. He wants a big family. He was so excited about having triplets…”

“Don’t do this,” Amber warned, leaning in to grip Claire’s shoulder. “You can’t beat yourself up over all of this. Nothing that has happened to you has been your fault. It’s all out of your control; it’s… it’s fate, I guess. You can’t help it any more than Jamie can. And if he can’t handle it, then he doesn’t deserve to be your husband. Part of being married to someone is being willing to see them through the bad times, along with the good. You can’t feel guilty if he’s not willing. That’s his problem, not yours.”

Claire nodded. “You’re right. I shouldn’t feel guilty about that.” She paused, thinking about what Amber had said, about staying with the one you loved through anything. And as a familiar face entered her mind’s eye, she rolled toward Amber and said, “You know what I do feel guilty about though?”

“What?”

Claire rubbed her stomach absently, collecting her thoughts. “I love Jamie. I have for a long time. When I was in high school, I always saw myself being married to him, and when he proposed to me, I felt like all of my dreams were finally coming true, like the life I’d always wanted was going to be a reality. But he’s not the only one I’ve ever loved. There was someone else, who I know loved me unconditionally, who was there for me through anything and everything, and still would be. And I loved him too. And… I think, deep down, I still do.”

“Nick,” said Amber. It was more of a statement than a question.

Biting down on her bottom lip, Claire nodded. “I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately,” she confessed. “I feel guilty about the way I ended things with him. I was so happy with him, and then, all of a sudden, I wasn’t. And I got scared and started thinking the life I had with him wasn’t really the kind of life I’d always wanted. And so I left. I never wanted to hurt him, but it was unavoidable. I still loved him, but I just thought he wasn’t the right person for me. His life wasn’t my life; I wanted something different. I was being stubborn. And stupid. Because here I am, with the life I thought I wanted… the husband with the 9 to 5 job, the cute little house in the suburbs… and I hate it. I’m not happy. I-I mean, I love Jamie, and I… I was so excited about having children…” Her voice cracked, and she struggled to keep her composure. “But… I don’t like living in Iowa, and I don’t like being stuck at home all day, and… I dunno… I guess I’m just afraid that I’ve made some really bad decisions. And now I’m second-guessing every one. Isn’t that horrible??”


Truth be told, I tried my best,
But somewhere along the way,
I got caught up in all there was to offer,
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ‘round here
And tell me ‘I told you so…’


Amber pursed her lips, looking at Claire intently. “I don’t know. I can see where you’re coming from. It just sounds a lot like ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. You know? The grass is always greener on the other side. No one has the perfect life. Most people would think being married to a celebrity and having lots of money and being able to travel all over the world would be the perfect life. But you didn’t. You saw past that. So I’m not sure you’d be any happier with that life than you are now. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Claire nodded. “Of course. It’s just… it’s not about the money or fame or being able to travel or any of that. It never was. Those are just the things that got in the way. What I loved about being with Nick was Nick. It was as simple as that. With everything the two of us had been through, you’d think it would be complicated with us, but it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. He was always there for me, and I was always there for him, and we understood each other. We had a bond like I’ve never had with anyone else… not even Jamie. And we still do. You wouldn’t think so, but we do. Every time I’m with him, it’s like nothing has changed. We just ‘get’ each other. It’s different than it is with Jamie. I’ve known Jamie longer, and he was always one of my best friends, but he doesn’t ‘get’ me like Nick does. I’ve been through things that he just doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to. And when shit like this happens to me, I’m always afraid he’s going to leave. But Nick… Nick never would. I could call Nick right now, and he would be here. He would be here in a heartbeat.”


We all began with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone

But we carry on our backs
The burden time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal

It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear…


Amber studied her, one eyebrow cocked. “Do you want me to call him?” she offered.

All of a sudden, Claire realized how adulterous she must sound. Mortified, she shook her head. “No. No, I can’t call him; it would just cause more problems. Jamie really would leave if Nick showed up. They can’t stand each other. And for good reason, I guess. God, I can’t believe I just told you all that,” she murmured, closing her eyes, wishing she hadn’t. “I’m so sorry… I’ve never told anyone those things. I never should have. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea; I love Jamie, I really do,” she insisted, her eyes welling with tears again. “It’s just… whenever I’m upset like this, I start to miss Nick. He’s just… a comfort, I guess. Like a teddy bear.” She chuckled, and then instantly began to cry.


Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ‘round here
And tell me ‘I told you so…’


Looking stricken, Amber stood at her side and rubbed her back, with soothing, gentle hands that were used to comforting crying children. Claire felt almost like a child, a child who had no filter on her mouth. How had she let all of that stuff pour out, when Jamie could walk back in at any minute? If he ever left her, he would have every right, after the things she had said. Sure, he hadn’t always upheld his vow to comfort her in sickness and in health, but how many vows was she breaking, talking about how she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend when Jamie was actually there, trying to help her through her worry and fear.

“It’s alright, Claire,” Amber said softly. “Like you said, you’re upset. And scared. All that emotion brings out a lot in people.”

Claire sniffed. “Or maybe it’s the drugs,” she countered, wiping her eyes, trying to get her composure back.

Amber stifled a giggle. “Or maybe it’s that.”

Claire was still struggling to get herself back together when Jamie returned. Thankfully, he looked almost as ragged. He hadn’t been crying, but he looked as if he’d had some kind of emotional release. The tension was gone from his face; instead, he just looked tired. Tired and sad. It was a feeling she could relate to. Right now, he did “get” her.

“You okay?” he asked warily, sinking into his spot next to her bed. “You’ve been crying.”

“I’m as okay as I was before,” she replied, shrugging. “I just needed to have my meltdown.”

He nodded, not questioning her. “Me too,” he admitted. “I called Di. I just thought she should know what was going on. I told her not to come up, though, unless you wanted her to.”

“Oh. That was thoughtful of you; thanks,” she said. She hadn’t even thought of calling Dianna. But it was probably good that Jamie had. Maybe he’d needed someone to talk to as well. Dianna was always good for a talk, and she and Jamie had been friends for as long as Claire had known him. If anyone could give him the pep talk he needed to help her through this, Dianna could.

“No problem,” he replied. “She was worried, but she said to hang in there and that everything will be okay.”

Claire smiled wryly; Dianna always thought everything would be okay. It was easy to say that when you were just on the other end of the phone. But sometimes, it wasn’t all okay. Sometimes, bad things happened. Sometimes, all she wanted to hear was, “I know it might not be okay, but either way, I’ll be here for you. We’ll get through this together.”

That was not the kind of thing she’d ever heard verbalized from Jamie’s mouth.

It was the kind of thing she’d seen in Nick’s eyes, many times before, as he’d sat with her and held her hand, silently reassuring her that no matter what, he would never leave her side.


Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
Lost in those I thought were friends
To everyone I know…

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know…

- “Fallen” by Sarah McLachlan


***