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Chapter 169

On this side of New Year’s, the twins’ arrival seemed much closer than it had at Christmas. At twenty-nine weeks, Claire was still over two months away from her due date, but Dr. Valerio had warned her at her last prenatal check-up that with two babies and an already high-risk pregnancy, it was very likely she would deliver early. She’d already gone into preterm labor once.

And so, Claire had begun to devote all of her time to preparing for the babies’ arrival. All the work she and Jamie had done on the nursery back at their home in Iowa had proven futile, now that she was stuck in Tampa for the remainder of her pregnancy. Like it or not, the babies would be born here in Florida, and she needed to be ready for them.

Thanks to the miracle of technology, it was easier than she’d thought to get everything one needed for a baby from the confinement of her own bed; she just ordered it all online. She already had two cribs, one that had come from her parents’ attic, the very crib she and Kyle had both slept in as babies, and the other from Kyle and Amber – they had loaned her Kamden’s crib, which he had just outgrown a few months ago. They gave her the changing table that went with it, and once her father and brother had moved it all into the spare room in the condo, she was pleased to see that she was doing pretty well on furniture. But she still needed bedding and baby clothes and all kinds of things, and so, for days in a row, big packages full of baby items arrived at her door.

Everything she didn’t order herself went on a gift registry, as Dianna had excitedly volunteered to throw her a baby shower later in the month. Dianna’s original idea had been a couples shower, so that Jamie could attend too, as well as Claire’s father, Kyle, Nick, and so on. But ever since the incident at Christmas, that had changed. “It can still be a couples shower,” Claire had told Dianna, but in an effort to be sensitive, Dianna had switched it back to a purely traditional shower – just the women.

So while Dianna planned for the shower, Claire did everything she could to plan for the babies and take her mind off of Jamie. He called every evening after work, and every evening, she talked to him just long enough to assure him that she was fine, that the babies were kicking harder than ever, and that she’d bought this or that for the nursery there at her condo. And when they said goodbye, she mumbled “I love you” after he said it first. But she was trying to keep her distance from him, emotionally as well as physically.

Distance, she’d decided, was what she needed right now. It was exactly what she needed to clear her mind and her heart and figure out what to do about her marriage.

Jamie apparently had realized this too, because he had stopped apologizing to her, stopped begging and pleading for her to let him come and see her. Now when he called, he talked to her as if everything were okay, as if things were perfectly normal, even though they weren’t. She played along, because it was easier than fighting the battle, the battle between wishing he’d come back and knowing she needed him to stay away. That battle took place deep inside her heart every time he pleaded with her, and so she was glad when he stopped pleading.

Yet when there was not a war raging on inside her heart, it just felt empty. She tried to fill it with the joy and anticipation of her babies’ arrival, but even that was clouded with sorrow. In the last year, her greatest desire had been to become a mother, and here she was, weeks away from motherhood. But it was not without a heavy cost, the loss of one of her babies and, possibly, of her husband. And sometimes, those things overshadowed the excitement she should be feeling.

It was obvious to everyone who knew her that she was not happy. She wasn’t herself, and though she tried to be the fun-loving, funny, optimistic person they were used to, she knew they could see through the façade. Yet there was nothing they could do to help. Right now, no one could fix things because no one knew what she really wanted or needed. She didn’t even know.

But they tried. They tried their best to cheer her up and keep her sane. Her parents were always there for her, providing a voice of comfort, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Nick came over often to keep her company. Sometimes they played board games or watched movies together; other times, they just talked. It felt almost like old times with him, the times before they’d fallen in love and complicated everything, when they could just be there for each other without any of the sexual tension. But then, things were a lot different now, and the sexual tension, though neither would acknowledge it, was still there.

Laureen often dropped by after work, bringing stories about interesting patients and the weekly gossip around the office. So did Dianna, though her visits usually turned into long rants about men – not that Claire minded. Her boyfriend Todd, as it turned out, was a commitment-phobe, afraid of settling down, and on an almost daily basis, Claire listened to her debate with herself over the ultimatum she was going to give him.

“I mean, a year ago, I thought we were ready to get engaged. A year ago!!” Dianna would rant. “You got married about a year ago, remember,” – as if Claire could forget – “and I thought going to your wedding would be the motivation Todd needed to propose. But I think it scared him off or something, because he just won’t do it! And I mean it, Claire, if I don’t see a ring by Valentine’s Day, we are through! I can’t wait around forever for him to buck up and ask me to marry him! My biological clock is ticking! You know, you’re lucky, Claire – at least you had two men who weren’t afraid to propose.”

Claire scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, and look how well that worked out for me. Jamie and I haven’t even made it to our first anniversary, and we’re falling apart! And Nick and I… psh, we never even got to the planning stages of a wedding. It’s probably for the best that he’s taking his time. At least when he proposes, you’ll know that you want to marry him. And you won’t be rushing into it.”

Dianna cocked her head at Claire. “You think you and Jamie rushed into it?”

“I don’t know,” Claire sighed after a moment. “We’d been dating for almost a year when he proposed, but maybe a year wasn’t long enough. It felt right at the time, cause we knew each other so well, or so I thought. But now I’m not sure. I don’t think I knew him as well as I should have. He changed a lot after high school… and not for the better. I didn’t realize it then, but I know now.”

Pursing her lips, Dianna nodded slowly. “You have a point. I didn’t realize it either, but he has changed. Jamie Turner was the best guy ever in high school... but now… he’s kind of an ass.”

An ass. Though she’d thought it herself, it hurt to hear those words, to know that they were true, that she’d married a jerk, a man who was condescending and jealous, and who would walk out on his wife in the middle of a heart-wrenching procedure, even as she cried out his name. His betrayal still stung, just as much as the pain of losing the baby.

And everyone could see it. Everyone could see she was in pain.

Even Dr. Valerio noticed. When Claire went for her twenty-nine week check-up, the obstetrician commented, “You look sad today. Is everything alright?”

Not one to keep her feelings inside, Claire found herself telling her doctor a shortened version of the drama with Jamie and how torn and down she’d been feeling lately. “If there was such a thing as pre-partum depression, I’d say I probably have it. This is supposed to be such a happy, exciting time for me, and I just feel like everything – except with the babies, thank god – is going wrong.”

Dr. Valerio gave her an understanding smile. “Well, you’re right about that last part – everything looks good with the babies, and you should be grateful for that. But about how you’re feeling… some moms-to-be do experience depressive symptoms during pregnancy. It’s a time of change and stress, and that causes different reactions from different people. But I don’t think the feelings you’re experiencing are caused by any kind of clinical depression. You’re dealing with the same kind of emotions anyone feels when their marriage is in balance, and with children on the way, it’s that much harder. I wish there were a drug I could give you to make you feel better, but there’s not.” Sympathetically, she patted Claire’s hand.

Claire managed a smile back. “I know. And I know I’ll get through this, no matter how it turns out. I’ve gotten through everything else, and I’m stronger for it, or at least that’s what everyone tells me.” She sighed. “As long as my babies are born healthy, it’ll all be worth it, even if Jamie and I don’t make it.”

The doctor nodded. “And speaking of their births, we do need to talk about a few things.”

As she’d already said everything looked good with the babies, Claire wasn’t too worried. “Okay…”

“I just want to prepare you now for the fact that you’ll most likely have the twins through a C-section, rather than vaginal delivery. Given your heart condition and the fact that there are two babies, I think trying to go through a regular labor and delivery would be too much for your body. Labor can be very long and very hard, for a first-time mom especially, and bearing down and pushing during delivery puts a lot of strain on the heart. Usually, if there is any cause for concern for the mother’s health, we opt for a C-section. The recovery time afterwards is longer, but for someone like you, it’s really much safer.”

Claire nodded; she had already guessed she would probably be having a Cesarean section for these reasons. She didn’t like the thought of them cutting into her belly, having never really been under the knife before, but previous experience told her to trust the doctors. Dr. Valerio was the expert, and if she thought a C-section was needed, then Claire would do it. At least, she thought, there would be no 24-hour nightmare labor for her.

When she told Dr. Valerio this, the obstetrician smiled. “Very true. I know many moms who delivered their firstborn vaginally and then had a C-section for their second, and almost all of them tell me they’d choose a C-section for their third. Delivery can be very rough.”

Of course, recuperating from a C-section could be rough too. But as her mother drove her home from the clinic that day, Claire tried to keep positive thoughts in her head about the inevitable.

The last thing she needed was more negativity.

***

Nick, too, tried not to think negative thoughts as he sat slumped at his desk, studying the open planner spread out before him.

The holidays had come and gone, too fast as always, and his break was coming to an end. He was due back in LA in a week to begin rehearsals for his tour, which was slated to kick off February 6 in New York. And while, three months ago, he couldn’t wait to get out on the road to promote his new album, the newness had since worn off, and many things had changed in his life. Most of them for the better.

He had more than music to think of now. While music would always be a big part of his life, it wasn’t his whole life, as it sometimes became when he had nothing but it to throw his whole heart into. But his heart had since been captured by the unlikeliest person. By Laureen.

He’d never really thought he and Laureen would turn into anything serious, but they’d had a lot of fun these last few months, and he really cared about her. He wasn’t ready to leave her for the road just yet.

And then there was Claire. He didn’t want to leave her yet either, but for completely different reasons.

Claire was a mess.

It was hard to believe it, considering what they’d been through together, but he’d never seen her so down. Even when her body had been ravaged by cancer, she had stayed in better spirits than she was now. Or maybe she’d faked it better. In any case, it was different now. She’d stayed strong when her body was falling apart around her, but now, it was her heart that was broken. And as Nick knew from experience, sometimes, the heart was harder to heal.

He had been visiting her often, keeping her company, knowing how boring and frustrating it was to be trapped in bed all the time. She rarely brought up Jamie, but he knew that had to be what was making her so sad. The bed rest, while annoying, wasn’t enough to break her spirit. But losing her husband… well, even if he couldn’t understand what she saw in Jamie in the first place, he figured that would do it. There was no other explanation.

And Nick understood. Once again, he could empathize with how she was feeling, because he’d felt the same way after she had left him. It was different with Jamie; she’d kicked him out, made him leave. But he knew it still had to hurt.

He knew, and so he tried his best to take her mind off the pain. The more people she had around her, the more things she had to do, the less she would wallow and think of Jamie. Nick knew that from experience too.

He couldn’t just abandon her when she was like this.

In a half-hearted attempt to get out of his obligation, he called his manager Kenneth. But Kenneth’s answer was frank.

“Nick, man, you can’t postpone this tour. It’s already been almost three months since the record dropped; you wait any longer, and people are gonna forget. You gotta get out there and build up the hype while there’s still some hype left.”

Nick knew he was right, and he knew he had to get out to California to rehearse.

He took Laureen out to a nice dinner that night to break the news.

Her reaction was much better than he had expected. She did not seem disappointed that he had to leave; instead, she was happy for him.

“I knew you were gonna have to leave for the tour sooner or later,” she said lightly. “It’s okay. I wish I could go with you, but I guess I’ll have to settle for seeing you once here and once in Chicago. Deep-dish pizza – don’t forget!”

Nick smiled, remembering his promise to share a Chicago style pizza with her when he toured there. “Absolutely.”

Laureen beamed. “This is so exciting!! It’s gonna be so cool, like that time Claire and I went to see your concert with the guys, only better! Cause this time, I won’t be about to pee my pants out of nervousness. It’s different now.”

“Yeah, it is,” Nick agreed, gazing at her across the table. When he looked at her now, he didn’t just see Claire’s cute little coworker who happened to like his group. He saw Laureen, a woman who was fun and funny and pretty and who made him happy. He was going to miss her when he left.

He hoped she would miss him too, but after how well she had taken it, Nick found himself again more concerned about Claire. It wasn’t that he thought she couldn’t handle her problems without him; his ego wasn’t that big, and she wasn’t that weak. But he still didn’t like the thought of traveling to the other side of the country while she was still here, far into a high-risk pregnancy, on bed rest, bored and depressed and missing Jamie.

He shouldn’t have worried, though, for the old Claire emerged when he told her, regretfully, of his plans to fly to LA.

“Why are you saying that like you’re apologizing for it?” she asked. “You think I can’t handle my problems without you here?” Her voice was teasing, and he let himself smile, relaxing a little. “Nick, you don’t have to feel bad about doing your job,” she went on. “You get on out to LA and have a blast. You know it’ll be way more fun than sitting here with me playing Monopoly day after day.”

“What, are you kidding? I love playing Monopoly with you. It brings back the good old days, you know? Back when I was the one lying in bed cause I was too damn sick and weak to get up?”

A wry smile crossed Claire’s face. “Point taken. I am grateful, you know. I’m stuck here in this bed for a good reason, because of a miracle. All I wanted was to have a baby, and now I’m having two, and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful to be here and not where I was six years ago.”

“I wasn’t trying to make a point,” Nick chuckled. “I was just being sarcastic about, you know… the ‘good old days’ and how much they sucked. Things are definitely better now.”

“Definitely,” she agreed, and her smile was genuine, though it seemed a little sad. “Thanks for reminding me of that, because you’re right. Things have been much, much worse. But we made it, and here we are as proof. You’re about to go out on tour again, and I’m expecting twins. Two things we weren’t sure we’d be able to do back then. So we should be celebrating.”

Nick smiled, nodding. Even now, Claire always had the right things to say. Remembering the many days he had spent wallowing in a vat of self-pity, doubting he would ever get up on stage again, Nick felt the old familiar rush of excitement he always got when a tour was about to begin. The stage was as much his home as Florida was, and so in a way, even though he was leaving, he was also going home. Laureen and Claire both seemed happy for him, so why should he not be happy too?

And so they did celebrate. They celebrated as best they could, with big bowls of ice cream and a marathon of their favorite movies.

Before he left for Los Angeles, Nick kissed her goodbye on her forehead, stroked her soft red hair as he hugged her, and whispered, “I know you’ve got plenty of good people around you, but if you need anything, day or night, just call me. I’ll always be there for you.”

Claire smiled and agreed, but after he left, she let him have his fun and did not call, other than to say a friendly hello.

***