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Chapter 172

10:00 p.m.

It was all happening too fast and not fast enough.

Claire had been started on a drip of magnesium sulfate not long after she’d been moved to the maternity floor, in a last-ditch effort to halt her labor. It had worked the last time, but this time, there was no such luck. As her labor continued to progress, with contractions that increased in their intensity every ten minutes, Dr. Valerio took her hand and explained to her that there was no stopping it. “You’re going to deliver these babies tonight,” she said, her voice firmly optimistic. Claire’s stomach somersaulted with a wild mix of excitement and terror.

If she’d had a normal labor to look forward to, she would have had hours and hours to prepare. But everyone had planned for the Cesarean section, and they didn’t want to wait to do it. “We don’t want to put any unnecessary stress on your body or on the babies. Why go through labor if you don’t have to?” Dr. Valerio explained.

Claire agreed very much, but even as she nodded, she felt a sense of barely controlled panic. They couldn’t operate yet, not when her parents were still an hour away and completely oblivious to what was going on.

“Please,” she begged, “Can we wait just a couple of hours? I need to get a hold of my family first… they would really want to be here…”

Dr. Valerio hesitated a moment, then nodded. “As long as you and the twins are stable, we can wait. But you need to get them here as soon as possible.”

“I will,” Claire promised, and as soon as the doctor left, she turned to Nick. “Can you call my brother? I’m going to try Mom and Dad again.”

“Sure,” Nick agreed. She gave him Kyle and Amber’s number, and he left the room to call. Once he was gone, she picked up the phone in her room and, praying they would answer this time, dialed her parents.

Her dad’s cell phone rang, once… twice… three times… and then, just when Claire, with a sinking feeling, realized his voicemail was going to turn on in just a second, she heard his voice say, “Hello?”

Claire’s heart leapt. “Dad, it’s me.”

“Claire? Hi, honey. What’s going on?”

She bit her bottom lip, hating to have to tell him the news. “I went into labor,” she said slowly. “I’m at the hospital.”

Just as she’d expected, there was chaos over the phone, as her dad flipped and her mom freaked in the background. Clutching the receiver, Claire chewed her lip and waited until they had calmed down enough to listen to her. Then she explained what was going on. “They want to do the C-section as soon as they can, so you need to get here,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady, trying not to let them know how scared she was and how much she wanted them to be there when the babies were born.

But they knew. Parents always do.

“We’re leaving now,” her father assured her. “We’ll be there in an hour. Less if I speed.”

Claire smiled. “Just drive carefully,” she made him promise.

“I will. And you stay strong and tell those grandbabies to wait for us just a little longer.”

“I’ll try to tell them. Hopefully they’ll listen.”

Her father chuckled. “If they’re anything like you as a kid, they won’t. But keep trying. Is Nick there with you?”

Just as he asked, Nick poked his head back into the room. A smile stretched across Claire’s face. “Yep, he’s here.”

“Good. Just as long as someone’s there.”

“Don’t worry about me, Dad; I’ll be alright,” Claire assured him. “Just pray for the twins.”

“We’ll be praying, sweetheart. See you in less than an hour.”

Claire felt teary-eyed as she hung up the phone; cut off from her father, she felt like a little girl, wanting her daddy and mommy. She prayed they would get here in time for the birth of their grandchildren.

“Kyle and Amber are trying to find a neighbor to watch Kamden, and then they’ll be on the way,” Nick announced as he strode back into the room.

“Oh, good.” At least her brother and sister-in-law would make it in time. “Dad and Mom are leaving now. Then all we’ll be missing is Jamie.”

Nick offered a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry… you know, that he can’t be here.”

“It’s okay,” Claire replied with a listless shrug. She was sorry too, but after their estrangement, it wasn’t the end of the world. She’d be okay, as long as her family – and friends – were around her. “He wouldn’t have made a very good birth coach anyway. You know him; he’s a pansy. I’m sure he would have been one of those husbands that passes out during the delivery.”

Nick chuckled. “I won’t pass out,” he said.

Surprised, Claire looked up and met his eyes, and an unspoken agreement passed between them. Nick was going to stay with her. He didn’t have to… but he was going to stay and see this through.

Claire smiled, then grimaced, as another contraction hit. Nick reached for her hand and held it tight.

***

10:30 p.m.

Claire was trying so hard not to cry out, but her pain was evident. She had Nick’s hand in a death grip, squeezing so hard his fingertips were turning purple, and her face was all screwed up, red and covered with a sheen of perspiration.

“Just breathe,” Nick urged her softly; it was the only thing he could think to say that sounded right. But what did he know? He’d never been around a woman in labor, not even his mother. He’d stayed with his grandparents whenever one of his younger siblings had been born. Aside from the melodramatic scenes he’d seen in movies and on TV, he was utterly and completely clueless. It scared him a little.

Claire panted through the contraction, her breath coming in shallow, rapid gasps. “I’m about ready for that epidural now,” she exhaled, once the contraction ended, and her body began to relax.

Her nurse, Aidyn, had been coming in often to check on her, but no one had mentioned an epidural yet. They were still saying she was early on in her labor, and since she had asked them to wait until her family arrived for the C-section, no one seemed in too much of a rush to do anything. But even Nick could practically see her labor progressing before his eyes, as the contractions became more frequent and intense.

Letting go of her hand, he stood up. “I’m gonna go find your nurse and tell her you want it,” he said, anxious for her to get some relief for the pain. He hated to see her suffer.

Claire opened her eyes; they were bright and red-rimmed, watery with unshed tears from the pain. “Okay,” she said breathlessly, nodding. “Thanks.”

“No problem. I’ll be right back,” he replied with a tight smile, then crossed the room. He had just reached the door when he heard a loud, high-pitched beep. It was an alarm off one of the monitors and, recognizing it at once, Nick turned back, his stomach bottoming out.

Terrified, he expected to see Claire slumped back against her pillows, passed out cold, or twitching uncontrollably on the bed. But, to his relief, she looked just the same as she had a second ago.

Still, he forgot about the epidural and hurried back to her bedside, looking from her to the monitors over her head and back to her in concern. “What is it? Are you feelin’ okay?” he asked nervously.

“I’m fine… just light-headed,” she replied, twisting around in bed in an attempt to see the monitors. “Something probably just got bumped.”

She didn’t look concerned, but then Aidyn came rushing in, and she did. Nick backed out of the way and let the young nurse in to inspect the monitors. “Your sats are low,” she told Claire, checking the small device clipped to one of Claire’s fingers, which was wired to a monitor where a red number was flashing. “That means your blood cells are not getting enough oxygen.”

Nick actually knew that one, thanks to his battle with BOOP. But that didn’t make him any less alarmed, especially when Aidyn hurried out of the room before either of them could ask questions.

The nurse returned with Dr. Valerio, who said, “Claire, we’re going to start you on oxygen now. If you’re not getting enough oxygen, then your babies aren’t either. Their heart rates are a little low, but those should come up once we get your sats back up. However, I’m still concerned about the toll that labor is taking on your body. You’re barely in active labor, and already, your sats are falling, and your blood pressure is high. I want to administer an epidural and then prep you for surgery. I wouldn’t advise us waiting much longer.”

“Claire, listen to her,” Nick jumped in, grabbing her hand and squeezing it, hoping he could squeeze some sense into her. “You know your mom and dad wouldn’t want you to wait for them if it could be dangerous.”

Claire nodded, swiping at her watery eyes. “I know,” she sniffed. “You’re right. Let’s do it.”

“I’ll be right back to set up for the epidural. Aidyn, get her into position.”

The nurse had Claire sit up on the edge of the bed and lean over so that her back was curled. Nick sat in front of her and held both of her hands as Dr. Valerio threaded a catheter into her spine to deliver the anesthetic. He was glad he couldn’t see what was going on; he didn’t want to look. It seemed like it would hurt, but Claire stayed calm and brave. She squared her jaw, squeezed his hands, and insisted that it was no worse than a bone marrow. That much was probably true.

“You should be fully numb in about twenty minutes,” Dr. Valerio said. “This will serve as your anesthetic for surgery, so that you’ll be awake for the births without feeling any pain. I need you to sign this consent form, and then Aidyn here will start getting you prepped.”

Claire nodded and signed the form she was given. Once she handed the clipboard to the nurse, Aidyn looked over at Nick and said, “You’ll probably want to step out of the room while I get Claire prepped. You can come back in before she goes to the OR.”

“Okay,” said Nick and gave Claire a brief smile before he left, a smile that he hoped was reassuring. He knew she was scared, though she tried to act brave.

It was a bit of a relief to get out of the room for awhile. In the quiet, empty hallway, he sank into a chair and exhaled slowly. It felt like he’d been holding his breath for the last few hours, and it was nice to let go of some of the tension. Some, but certainly not all. He couldn’t relax knowing that Claire was on the other side of the wall getting prepped for a Cesarean section, two months before her babies were due.

Though they weren’t his own, he couldn’t help but have a vested interest in the twins, partly because they were Claire’s children and partly because he’d been here with her all night, seeing her through labor when no one else was around. If nothing else, that certainly warranted an interest.

Just thinking of it twisted his stomach into knots. He’d never expected to be thrust into this position, as Claire’s… birth coach? The terminology sounded all wrong – he was not supposed to be a birth coach for anyone, let alone his pregnant ex-fiancée – but that was what Jamie should have been, and Jamie wasn’t here, and Nick was, doing what Jamie would have been doing, and so… Nick supposed he was basically, in theory, Claire’s birth coach.

The realization made him squirm because he felt so unqualified and unprepared. What did he know about any of this? Nothing, nothing at all. Claire was counting on him, and he didn’t have a clue as to what he was doing, or what he was supposed to be doing. He didn’t know how to coach her.

But then, Claire knew that. She knew he hadn’t asked for this, that it had just happened, his ending up in this position because no one else was here. She understood, of course. She always did. He just hoped he wouldn’t let her down; he knew she needed him. She needed someone, anyway, and right now, he was all she had.

Kyle and Amber showed up before Nick was called back into Claire’s room, and he was grateful for the company, and for some of the weight of the situation to be lifted off of his shoulders. He filled the two of them in as best he could, but when it came down to it, none of them knew what to expect.

Ready or not, the babies were coming. Nick just prayed that everything would be okay. He wasn’t sure how much more tragedy Claire could take, what with everything she’d been through in the last few months. These two unborn children were everything to her; they were the two bits of light at the end of an otherwise dark tunnel. She’d made sacrifices to get as far as she had in this pregnancy, and for it all to go wrong now…

Her grief would be unimaginable.

Swallowing with difficulty, Nick closed his eyes, ducked his head, and really did pray, silently, begging God to watch over Claire and her babies. Please… she doesn’t deserve any more pain. Hasn’t she been through enough?

Three heads bobbed upwards as the door to Claire’s room opened with a click, and the nurse, Aidyn, emerged, pristine white shoes squeaking against the gleaming floor tiles. “Claire is prepped and ready to go,” she said, addressing Nick, as she hadn’t yet met Kyle and Amber. She looked to the two of them now and asked, “Are you part of Claire’s family?”

Kyle stood quickly, extending his hand. “I’m Kyle Ryan, Claire’s brother. This is my wife, Amber.”

“Ah, soon to be aunt and uncle.” Aidyn smiled, but quickly returned to seriousness. “I’m afraid there’s only room for one of you to be in the OR with Claire. With twins, the room is going to be extra crowded – there will be a team of doctors and nurses for each baby, plus the one for Mom.”

Nodding, Nick, Kyle, and Amber all looked at each other. Nick’s first thought was that of the three of them, Kyle should go. He was Claire’s blood, after all. If her parents couldn’t be here, she would want him. But then, maybe she would want another woman with her. He knew she and Amber were close. Maybe her sister-in-law should go in.

But before he could suggest either one of them, Amber held her hand out towards Nick. “You’ve been here with her all night, Nick. It might as well be you. I know she’ll feel better if you’re with her.”

Even though he had been with Claire all night, Nick was caught off-guard. He didn’t belong in that room with Claire; he had been there because there was no one else. But now Kyle and Amber were here, and they were family. Surely, she would want one of them.

He started to protest, but Amber insisted, “Just go, Nick. Unless it’s too awkward for you, go. She’ll appreciate it. She told me that you were always a comfort to her, like a teddy bear. So go be her teddy bear – she’s gonna need a hand to squeeze in there.”

Nick felt his cheeks getting warm. “A teddy bear, huh.”

“Shh,” Amber said, putting a finger to her lips. She blushed now too, smiling slyly. “I probably wasn’t supposed to tell you that, but she said it. Take it as a compliment. You mean a lot to her.”

The compliment made Nick feel awkward, as did this whole situation. He knew he would do anything for Claire, but he didn’t belong here, and he certainly didn’t belong in an operating room holding her hand through a C-section. That was her husband’s job.

But as usual, Jamie wasn’t here, and it was up to one of them to take his place. And Kyle and Amber were still looking at him.

“A-are you sure, man?” he asked Kyle nervously. “You don’t want to go in?”

Kyle grinned. “That’s my sister in there. I love her a lot, but I don’t wanna see all that. You should go; you’re the makeshift birth coach. Just no peeking down there, alright? She’s still a married woman.” He winked, and Nick flushed redder.

Oh god, this was awkward… it was so awkward. But it was Claire. And he loved Claire. And if she needed him, he would push the awkwardness aside and go.

“Alright,” he said slowly, “if you’re sure.” He gave them a few seconds to change their minds, but neither did, and within a few minutes, Aidyn was whisking him into a room to get gowned up in the sterile surgical garb he would need to wear in the operating room.

As he was slipping the blue paper booties over his shoes and expertly tying the strings at the back of his gown, Nick was overcome with déjà vu, reminded of the times he’d gone to visit Claire in an isolated, sterile hospital room after her bone marrow transplant.

Remembering how much they’d been through together in the last six years, Nick began to understand why Kyle and Amber had insisted that he stay with Claire. They did have that bond. It made sense that he was her teddy bear, for she was the girl who had held him tight and made him feel secure and loved even when he was tattered, spineless, and losing his stuffing.

He knew she would be scared. And so it was that he would be there for her to hold on to now.

***

11:05 p.m.

Shivering on a gurney with nothing but a thin blanket to cover her, Claire didn’t think she’d ever been so terrified. Logic told her she should have been excited, and she would be, once the twins were scooped out of her and she knew that they were safe and healthy. But right now she was just scared. A C-section two months early was more frightening than anything she’d been through before because it wasn’t just her own life she feared for now; more than anything, she was afraid for the babies. It was so early… they would be premature, and what if they didn’t make it? What if their lungs were not mature enough? What if there was brain damage?

The worries were endless and certainly not unfounded, and even though she was normally a positive person, it was hard to keep from fearing the worst. She tried to make herself feel better by praying, praying hard that God would cradle her babies in His arms and deliver them to her safe and sound and as healthy as they could be at thirty-two weeks.

The evening had been such a whirlwind for her, from seeing the clumpy blood in the bathroom to finding out they could not stop her labor at the hospital this time and, now, to this moment, waiting to be taken to the OR for her C-section. Once she was inside, there would be another flurry of activity, doctors and nurses scurrying all around as they cut and suctioned and monitored. But for right now, at this particular moment, the whirlwind had ceased; she was in the eye of the storm, and it was a place she hated. The calm suspense of waiting gave her too much time to think. And worry. And pray.

But the more she prayed, the most detailed and specific her prayers got, and she ended up near tears. So she stopped praying, figuring God had heard enough from her to understand, and tried to distract herself instead by listing the names she and Jamie had once picked out for the twins.

It seemed an eternity ago, when they had sat around in their living room in Iowa, tossing name ideas around. After much debate, during which Claire had vetoed any kind of cutesy rhyming or alliterating twin names and Jamie had fervently refused her joking suggestion of Ike and Tina, they had decided to go with a pair of Irish names, as a way of honoring their shared heritage, and settled on two names for each gender. For boys, Aidan and Shaine. For girls, Caitlin and Delaine.

Claire murmured the names silently in her head, repeating them over and over again in an effort to block out any other intruding thoughts.

For a few minutes, it worked. Thinking of naming the babies, of finally finding out what she’d had growing inside her the last seven months and being able to see them and touch them and hold them and call them by name, excited her in a good way, an encouraging way. She was so caught up in the names that at first, she didn’t notice when Aidyn came back in to get her.

Then she heard the nurse say, “It’s time to go the OR now, Claire.”

She began to shiver again.

Aidyn and another nurse wheeled her on her gurney, IVs and monitors attached, out of the room and into the hall. Nick was there, and so were Kyle and Amber. Seeing their faces immediately made her tear up; she was so relieved that, besides Nick, at least her brother and sister-in-law had made it in time.

“I talked to Dad; he and Mom are just outside Tampa,” Kyle reassured her. “They’ll probably be here by the time you have any news to give us anyway. They said to tell you they love you.”

Claire nodded, managing a smile, though she was still trying to hold back tears. Even though she was now surrounded by family and friends, she felt very vulnerable, lying naked beneath a sheet, her lower half numb, knowing she was about to be sliced open in the next room. She felt like she was floating, floating in a pool of ice water, craving a bit of sunlight to warm her.

Nick appeared, smiling nervously. “They said I can come with you… if you want me to…” He looked hesitant, but even in his uncertainty, he was the ray of light she needed, and she reached out to him.

“Thank you,” she whispered as he took her hand. His hand was normally very warm, but right now it was cold and clammy, so slick with perspiration that her fingers nearly slipped from his grasp at first. But she didn’t mind. It made her feel warmer anyway.

She held his sweaty hand in a firm grip as they wheeled her to the operating room, Nick walking alongside. She hadn’t noticed at first, but he was now dressed like a doctor, in blue scrubs and a papery gown that swished as he walked. In a brief mental flash, she saw her brother looking much the same way, an identical gown thrown over his clothes, proudly cradling a newborn Kamden to his chest in one of the waiting rooms down the hall.

It should have been Jamie carrying the twins out to meet the rest of the family when the time came. But Nick was here instead, dressed up like a father-to-be. Nick would be the first to see her children.

Looking up at his handsome profile, she smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks again for doing this,” she whispered, as the OR doors loomed.

He squeezed back and smiled down at her, though his smile wavered with apprehension. He looked as scared as she felt, and it made her guilty, realizing the position she had put him in. But he just said, “You don’t have to thank me.” And he didn’t sound resentful. Just nervous.

They had that in common.

Dr. Valerio was waiting inside the operating room, but Claire didn’t realize it right away. Her first observation was that the OR was very bright and very cold. She shivered some more and wondered why they couldn’t keep it a little warmer. Her discomfort aside, what infant in its right mind would want to emerge from a warm, cozy womb and end up in this setting, all blinding fluorescence, icy antisepticity, and stainless steel sterility? She felt sorry for her babies, who would be yanked from their little pods unexpectedly and two months too early.

“How are you doing, Claire?” asked Dr. Valerio, her pretty brown eyes smiling warmly at Claire from above her surgical mask.

Claire decided to keep things frank. “I’m freezing and terrified.”

A muffled chuckle echoed around the operating room. “That’s normal,” the doctor assured her, patting her arm. “Let’s get you moved over to the table, and Aidyn can get another blanket for your top half. Then we’ll get this started and over with.”

Claire nodded, and the nurses helped her slide from the gurney onto the operating table, which was – you guessed it – cold.

Then the flurry of activity she had anticipated began.

The nurses moved and adjusted her monitors, making sure they had everything properly tracked. They hung a blue drape halfway down her chest so that she could see nothing past it. A part of her was disappointed; she wanted to watch. But she knew it was to keep her from freaking out when they cut into her.

Aidyn stayed up near her head on one side. “I’ll talk you through this,” she promised, and she did keep a running commentary going. “They’re just splashing some betadine on your abdomen now to sterilize it…”

Nick stayed on the other side. One of the nurses brought a chair for him, in case he wanted to sit down, but for now, he stood, holding Claire’s hand. He did not, however, chance a peek on the other side of the drape; he kept his eyes fixed firmly on her face.

“Making the incision now… Time?” Claire heard Dr. Valerio’s voice ring out.

“23:19,” a nurse gave the time.

Nick’s eyes darted to a clock, somewhere beyond where Claire could see. “If this lasts about forty more minutes, your kids will be born on my birthday.”

Claire gave a little gasp; she’d almost forgotten! That was the whole reason Nick was here with her tonight – so that Laureen could set up for his birthday party tomorrow. “Aww, Nick…” She smiled. “Just the place you wanted to be on the eve of your birthday, right?”

“It’ll be a birthday to remember, that’s for sure,” replied Nick, smiling back.

“You won’t have to worry about sharing a birthday,” Aidyn jumped in. “Dr. Valerio should have both babies out in a matter of minutes. You’re doing great, Claire.”

A matter of minutes. Claire couldn’t believe it was going to happen so fast. It seemed, in a way, too fast. That sounded ridiculous; it wasn’t like she wanted to lie here with her belly slashed open any longer than she had to. But a part of her felt like she was missing out on something by having her babies this way instead of the way her mother had delivered her and Amber had delivered Kamden. She would never get to experience true labor, the act of physically pushing, of delivering her babies herself, the old-fashioned way. Instead, she just had to lie here, numb from the chest down, while the doctor cut her up and pulled them out behind the cover of a blue drape. For someone who liked to do things on her own, in her own way, that was a little defeating.

But then she thought about how far she had come; this time last year, she had been on her honeymoon with Jamie, talking about their future life together without any real promise of having their own children. And now, thanks to the wonders of science and modern medicine, it was happening. Two (surely) beautiful babies were about to be born, and a C-section seemed a small price to pay for that miracle.

And then… suddenly… the miracle happened.

Claire couldn’t see it, couldn’t feel it, but she heard it. “Here comes Baby A,” Dr. Valerio announced, and then there was a high-pitched, surprisingly loud screech! It was music to Claire’s ears, and her eyes filled instantly with tears.

“Oh my god,” she said. “That’s my baby?” She wasn’t sure why she was asking it like a question; Of course it’s your baby, retard! But a part of her just couldn’t believe that sound had been made by the little creature who had been kicking her from the inside for the last few months.

She couldn’t see a thing, and no one had brought her a baby yet, so she looked over at Nick. Could he see anything?

Nick had apparently given up on avoiding looking past the drape. His neck was now craned as he tried to look, his mouth hanging partway open.

“It’s a girl!” Aidyn exclaimed.

Claire let out the breath she’d been holding as she waited to hear the sex of the first baby. A girl!

“She’s tiny, but she came out crying, and that’s always a good sign, Claire,” Dr. Valerio spoke up, her voice carrying over the drape. “I’ll just cut her cord… unless you want to do it?” She made the offer to Nick, who instantly paled and backed away, shaking his hand. Claire fought the urge to laugh. Dr. Valerio apparently went ahead and cut the umbilical cord herself because a few moments later, she said, “I need to let the NICU team take her now, Claire, but if she’s okay, they’ll bring her back so you can meet her as soon as possible.”

“Wait-” Claire started to protest, but one of the NICU nurses had already whisked away a tiny bundle of which she saw no more than a flash. She was immediately disappointed. Couldn’t she even have a second to look upon her newborn daughter??

The disappointment was short-lived; there was still another baby to be born. Her attention was quickly drawn back to the drape, and she wished she could look through it as Dr. Valerio said, “And here comes Baby B…” There was a pause… and then, “Another girl.”

But there was less enthusiasm in the doctor’s voice this time… and no loud cry.

Claire held her breath.

A few seconds passed, and there was no cry at all.

***