- Text Size +
Chapter 177

Nick hadn’t seen Jamie come into the NICU, or he would have warned Claire before the need to stick her foot in her mouth arose. But it was too late. There her husband was, glaring at them both.

Claire’s cheeks were pink, but she kept her cool. “There you are. Where’d you go?” she asked in an innocent tone, acting as if she hadn’t heard his question at all.

“I was getting coffee. I thought he told you,” said Jamie through clenched teeth, turning his narrow eyes onto Nick.

“He did… sorry. Drugs make me loopy. We tried to find you before we came down here, but we couldn’t. Anita showed me how to pump breast milk, and they’re feeding Cait with it. See?” She gestured to Fernanda, who was still supervising the feeding. Fernanda offered a faint smile.

Jamie didn’t smile at all. “I would rather not have a bunch of strangers around our babies, Claire,” he said stiffly.

Nick felt his cheeks darken more, this time with anger. Claire, too, seemed to feel some of his resentment. “Excuse me?” she asked, her tone indignant. “Nick’s not a stranger.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Jamie shot back sarcastically. “You want them to think he’s their father. Would you like to pretend like he’s your husband too?”

Now Claire’s face was bright red, a sharp contrast from the paleness she’d had since surgery. “We are not going to do this here,” she hissed, eyes sliding to Fernanda. “So don’t you dare start. I was kidding.”

“Were you?”

Sick of the derisive tone Jamie was using with Claire, Nick reeled around so that he was facing the other man directly. “Man, give it a rest. You wanna go outside and talk about this, fine – let’s go into the hall. I’ll leave if you want me to. But Claire’s right; this isn’t the place.”

“Great, then leave,” was Jamie’s curt reply, as he pointed to the door with a hardened expression.

Shrugging, Nick turned back to Claire. “I should get going anyway. Call me if you need anything,” he said, reaching down to give her shoulder a squeeze. He hated to leave her here with the asshole, but in a way, Jamie was right – he shouldn’t be interfering with their family.

Claire opened her mouth as if to protest, then seemed to change her mind. “Alright,” she said softly, offering a crooked smile. “I’m sorry.”

He returned the smile tightly, waving off her apology. He started to weave his way through the rows of incubators to the door, but his path was blocked by a pair of doctors coming in. As he stepped aside to let them pass, he realized he recognized one of them.

“Samantha?”

The one in pink scrubs turned to him, her face brightening. “Nick! Well, hi!”

Nick smiled, put at ease by the lilting Southern accent of his favorite oncology nurse. “Hey. What are you doing down here?”

“I could ask the same thing of you, but I guess I don’t need to. You’re here seeing Claire, right? And her little ones. I’m on their case. I’m doing my NICU rotation, for med school!”

“Oh…” Nick vaguely remembered a conversation in which she’d told him she was going to medical school, when he’d been in the hospital two years ago with BOOP. “Well, that’s really cool. Caitlin and Delaine are in good hands then.”

Samantha smiled tightly, blushing. “That’s a sweet thing to say; thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Well…” Samantha turned; the dark-haired doctor she had been with was making her way over to Claire and Jamie. “I should get over there; Dr. Estrella wanted to update them on Delaine.” The light left her eyes, but she pasted a smile back on as she said, “It’s good to see you, Nick; you look great!”

“Better than the last time you saw me, for sure,” joked Nick, smiling back, though he was studying her hard, trying to read her expression. Was the news on Delaine bad?

“Well, no offense, but – yes.” She chuckled lightly.

“None taken,” Nick replied. “I’ll let ya get over there… catch you later.”

They passed by one another, she heading to the spot Nick had formerly occupied, he leaving the NICU. But as soon as he was outside the doors, he wheeled around and took a place at the large window, peering in. He could see Claire and Jamie, and he watched them intently, trying to read their faces while studying the body language of the doctor from behind.

Though he couldn’t hear a word of what was being said, he knew right away that the news wasn’t good. Claire started out chewing on her bottom lip, and then her entire face crumbled, as her hand rose to her mouth. Next to her, Jamie looked stoic, his face stony and unreadable.

Unconsciously, Nick put his fingers to the glass, leaning closer. It wasn’t long before Dr. Estrella and Samantha turned away. They didn’t leave the NICU; instead, they moved to a different baby’s incubator, making rounds, he supposed. His attention turned back to Claire and Jamie. Her head was down, her hand shielding her eyes. He was just standing there, hands in his pockets, looking lost.

Nick wanted to go back inside, yet he knew he couldn’t. Whatever they were dealing with, Claire and Jamie needed a chance to deal with it alone, together, just the two of them.

And yet, he couldn’t will himself to turn away.

***

Sitting in a wheelchair in between the two best things she’d ever created, Claire felt numb, from the tips of her fingers and toes to the depths of her soul. The only thing she felt was an incredible, crushing pain in her chest, as if her very heart were being ripped apart.

And, in a way, it was.

Hope bled away from it, as the pediatrician’s words echoed in her memory. “The labwork showed that Delaine has a very serious infection that has gotten into her bloodstream and settled in her lungs, causing pneumonia to develop. That’s why she’s having more trouble breathing than her sister. We’ve got her on the most powerful regimen of antibiotics her body can handle, but she’s a very sick baby, and I can’t make any promises about her condition.” There had been a look of deep sorrow in Dr. Laura Estrella’s eyes when she’d leaned closer and added, “I want you to have hope, but I also want to prepare you for the worst. The next twenty-four hours are going to be critical for her.”

Critical.

The word stabbed through Claire’s brain like a hot knife as she looked at her baby daughter, her eyes welling. It was terrible knowing she’d brought this child in the world and was now helpless to do the one job she was meant to do: protect her… take care of her.

“Is there anything I can do for her? Anything at all?” she’d asked Dr. Estrella tearfully, already knowing what the answer would be.

The doctor had looked between her and Jamie with compassion. “Are you religious, Mr. and Mrs. Turner?”

“Y-yes,” Claire had answered, while Jamie remained mute.

“Then pray for her. That’s all you can do now.”

Pray… Claire would pray. She would pray with all of her might, but her deepest fear was that all the prayers in the world might not be enough. Still, she had to cry. They had to try. Reaching for Jamie’s hand, she slipped hers into it and whispered, “We should say a prayer.”

Jamie’s hand was ice cold when it closed around hers. A moment passed, and he didn’t say anything, so she did. Bowing her head, a few tears escaping as she squeezed her eyes shut, she murmured, “Heavenly Father, please watch over our baby girl… both of our baby girls. Please help them to grow stronger. And please… take Delaine in Your hands and heal her… help the antibiotics do their job. Please… I’m not ready for her to be an angel yet.” Choking on her words, she finished breathlessly, “In Your name, we pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” muttered Jamie, and he let go of her hand. Opening her eyes, she looked up to see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. “I can’t stay in here anymore, Claire. I need some air,” he whispered hoarsely, starting to back away.

Watching him start to leave her, she wanted to protest. But she stopped herself from saying the words that had risen to the back of her throat, knowing they would only cause a fight. Instead, she nodded soundlessly, as he turned and left.

But as soon as he was gone and she was alone, she let herself break down.

***

Nick had moved from his watch post outside the window when he’d seen Jamie barrel towards the NICU doors and escape into the hall. Tucked in a small alcove down the hall, he had watched Jamie disappear. Then he had returned to the window and peered through to find Claire sobbing, hunched over in her wheelchair. A brief war waged in his conscience: should he go to her, or give her some time alone to process whatever she’d been told?

In the end, it was too painful to stand there and watch her cry, and so he passed back through the NICU doors.

If she was surprised to see him back already, or curious as to how he’d known to come back, she didn’t show it. She just looked up at him with eyes of the saddest blue he’d ever seen. He wanted to ask what it was, what was wrong, but he knew she couldn’t yet speak. So he didn’t ask. Really, he didn’t have to. One look at her was enough to get the message across.

Grunting in discomfort, he lowered himself to his good knee and knelt in front of her, taking her tightly clasped hands into his. With as much tenderness as he could muster, he brought them to his lips and planted a soft kiss on her knuckles before drawing his own hands around them once more. He wanted to hug her and hold her close, but as he was afraid of hurting her still-healing body, this would have to suffice.

They stayed this way for a few minutes without speaking, yet even for Nick, it was not awkward. In its intimacy, it was a tragically beautiful moment they shared together.

But finally, Claire spoke. “Delaine’s critical,” her voice cracked, as she looked up, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. “She has pneumonia from an infection, and D-Dr. Estrella isn’t sure the antibiotics will be enough to help her.”

A block of ice slid down Nick’s throat and landed with a thud in the base of his stomach. “I’m so sorry, Claire,” he whispered, squeezing her hands tighter. “What can I do for you?”

“Pray for her. And Caitlin. Pray for both of them. That’s all we can do.”

Nick nodded. “I will pray.”

Offering him the tiniest of smiles, she mouthed a soundless “Thank you.”

***

“Laureen…” His phone pressed to his ear, Nick paced the hallway outside the NICU as he spoke to his girlfriend. “Listen, I need to ask for a rain check on whatever you wanted to do for my birthday. I’m at the hospital, and Claire really needs me to be here right now.”

It had been almost an hour since Jamie had left the NICU. There had been no sign of him since, but Claire refused to leave. “Don’t you want to call your parents? Do you want me to call them?” Nick had offered, but she had refused that too.

“I need to… but I’m not ready yet. And I don’t want them hanging around her, smothering me. I just need some time without my whole family around.”

“Do you want me to go then? Would you rather be alone?” he’d asked with sincerity.

But she had shaken her head. “No… I don’t want to be alone either.”

So he’d stayed. And he planned on staying for as long as she needed him.

“What’s going on?” Laureen’s concerned voice rang into his ear.

“One of the twins, Delaine, has pneumonia, and it’s not looking good. Jamie bailed on her, and she really needs a shoulder to cry on right now.”

“Where are Kris and Carrie?”

“Not here. She won’t call them.”

“Oh. Well, can I do anything? Do you want me to come meet you?”

“No. She doesn’t want a lot of people around. I’ll tell her you’re thinking about her though.”

“Oh. Okay…” Laureen sighed, then, with hesitancy, asked, “When do you think you’ll be home?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” replied Nick, flattening his hair with his palm. “At this point, I really can’t say. I’m not leaving anytime soon though, not with her like this. She’s really upset, understandably.”

“Well, sure… sure… but-” Laureen let out a rattling breath. “Nick, it’s your birthday. You… you need to do something to celebrate.”

“I don’t really feel like celebrating,” Nick admitted glumly. And it was true. He didn’t care that it was his birthday. It wasn’t important. All he could think of was Claire and her newborns.

“But Nick… argh… I planned a party for you, alright?!” burst out Laureen suddenly, sounding incredibly frustrated. “It was supposed to be a surprise party! And everyone is coming! The guys… the guys are gonna be there. And people from LA… people you know… they’re all going to be there!”

“What??” Nick didn’t disguise his surprise well… or his exasperation. “Aww, Laureen… that’s so cool of you, but… I just can’t. I really don’t feel like partying tonight.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do then??” Her voice rose almost hysterically. “What am I going to tell all the people who will be there in a few hours??”

“Who all did you invite? I can call them… I’ll handle it,” he offered. Why are you doing this to her? he asked himself. He knew he was disappointing her, but the last thing he felt like doing was going to a birthday party, even if it was his own.

“Don’t bother! I’ve got it covered, Nick,” Laureen snapped, and before he knew it, the line was dead.

Stopping in his tracks, he blinked in surprise. It was the first time he’d heard Laureen sound truly angry. And he’d sure as hell never been hung up on by her before. With a sigh, he flattened himself against the wall and jerked his hand through his hair again in frustration. He hated not being able to please everyone. But if he was left with the choice of disappointing a group of friends who were looking for a party or leaving Claire alone by her dying baby’s side, there was no choice at all.

He would never abandon Claire. Not now, or ever again.

***

Claire kept a vigil over Delaine the entire afternoon, staying in the NICU until after dinnertime. The nurses came to check on her often, first Anita and then Aidyn again, as the shifts changed. They tried constantly to coax her back to her room, saying she really needed to rest, but Claire refused. Her body may have been weak, but her stubborn streak was as strong as ever, and she was hell bent against leaving her babies.

Nick stayed with her, not saying much, just being there, and for that, she was grateful. She had called her parents only to tell them that Delaine wasn’t doing well and that she needed some time alone; she loved them to death, but they tended to smother her when they lingered around the hospital, and she didn’t want that. Nick wasn’t like that; he was just a comfort, someone to make her feel she wasn’t alone.

With all the worries and fears coursing through her – and maybe the drugs as well – she’d forgotten about the birthday party Laureen had been planning and didn’t ask why he didn’t leave. Instead, she wondered about Jamie, where he was and when he might come back. His break for “some air” had lasted hours, and it was making her mad. Why wasn’t he with their daughters?

She wanted to call his cell phone, but her usual stubbornness kept her from it. If he wanted to stay away and waste these precious moments with his newborns, fine. He could just regret it later. She was done trying to keep him at her side.

Instead, the chair next to her belonged to Nick, and he sat patiently as she went between Delaine and Caitlin, gently caressing them through the panels in the incubators and whispering soothing words. Caitlin, though almost as tiny as her sister, seemed to be doing well, but Claire kept a wary eye on Delaine’s monitors. The numbers weren’t good, and she was terrified of seeing them dip lower, as the infant deteriorated.

“Claire?” She felt Nick’s hand on her shoulder and turned slightly in her wheelchair, wincing in pain.

Aidyn, her nurse, was standing behind Nick. “Claire, you need to come back to your room now. I know you want to stay with the babies, but I’m insisting on it. I spoke with Dr. Valerio, and she agrees. Your body needs rest in order to heal, and it would be good for you to eat some dinner.”

Claire had had enough experience in hospitals to know that telling them she wasn’t hungry and felt fine, even if it was true (or mostly true, in the case of feeling fine), wouldn’t work. She was a little surprised they had let her stay in the NICU this long, but she supposed maybe special exceptions were made in the case of mothers in her position.

“Okay,” she sighed, hoping maybe if she went willingly now, they’d let her come back later. “Can I just have another minute with them, to say goodbye?”

“Of course,” said Aidyn, her smile understanding.

“Thanks.” Aidyn retreated, and Claire turned back to the pair of incubators. “Goodbye for now, Cait,” she whispered into Caitlin’s enclosure, stroking the sleeping baby lovingly. “I’ll be back as soon as they’ll let me.” And then she moved over to Delaine. Reaching her hand in, she lightly brushed the newborn’s cheek with her fingertip and murmured, “You be strong for me, baby girl. Fight as hard as you can, so I can take you home, alright? I love you…”

Her throat was starting to close up, and so she pulled her hand out, kissed her fingers, and placed them on the outside of each incubator in turn, longing for the moment when she’d be able to kiss her daughters directly.

Leaving the NICU was harder than it had been any time before. She was almost glad to be in a wheelchair and at the mercy of Nick and Aidyn, because if they hadn’t been able to wheel her out so easily, she wasn’t sure she would have budged on her own.

As her chair passed over the threshold of the NICU doors, she looked up and said a silent prayer to God that both of her babies would still be there when she returned.


Hush now, baby, don’t you cry
Rest your wings, my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time
And I will sing this lullaby

No though I must leave, my child
But I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I’m gone
Remember this sweet lullaby

And all love through darkness
Don’t you ever stop believing
With love forlorn
With love, you’ll find your way
My love

The world has turned the day to dark
I leave this night with heavy heart
But I return to dry your eyes
I will send this lullaby
Yes, I will send this lullaby

- “Lullaby” by Josh Groban


***