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Chapter 179

Nick felt like he had only just fallen back to sleep when the phone rang again. The ringtone projected into his dreams and yanked him out of them with the dull awareness that Claire must be calling again. He was too groggy yet to grasp that it wasn’t his cell phone and was momentarily confused when he opened his eyes and saw Laureen reaching over her side of the bed. Then he realized the ringtone that was still playing was not his.

“Hello?” he heard Laureen answer hoarsely, obviously trying to keep her voice low.

Nick settled back against his pillows, but stayed awake, wondering who was calling her in the middle of the night. Probably a drunk friend or a wrong number. Some crank call.

But then Laureen said sharply, “What happened??” And then, “Oh shit... Is she okay?” And then, with a mix of exasperation and exhaustion, a simple, “God…”

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked in a whisper, watching Laureen carefully. Even if her words hadn’t given it away, her mannerisms made it clear that something bad had happened. She was sitting up, but hunched over, her palm against her forehead, her fingers pulling at her hair. He hoped whoever she was talking about was okay.

She didn’t respond to him at first, but when he reached out and lightly ran his hand across her back, she looked over and offered a tiny smile. One minute, she seemed to say, holding up her index finger before pointing to the phone.

He waited anxiously while she finished her conversation, able to hear only her side of it. It wasn’t enough for him to know what was going on, only that something bad had happened. She was frowning, looking worried, and that worried him.

When she finally said “Talk to you soon” and flipped her phone shut, he swallowed back the questions on his tongue and waited for her to talk first. Thankfully, Laureen wasn’t one to hold back. “That was my brother. It’s our mom,” she said, setting her phone aside and turning towards him.

Nick felt his stomach clench. He knew Laureen wasn’t close with her mom, hardly closer than he was to his, but still, he hoped nothing too bad had happened to her, for Laureen’s sake. He wanted to ask if she was all right, but again, he waited for Laureen to tell him, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

“She’s okay, but she’s in some major trouble. She wrecked her car driving home from a bar and is sitting in the Cook County jail on DUI charges. And even worse, she hit someone else. I guess the woman in the other car is going to be okay, but they took her to the hospital, and her car is totaled, so you know there’s going to be a lawsuit on top of everything else.” Laureen heaved a deep sigh and looked down. “She’s really done it now.”

Nick found himself filled with not just sympathy, but empathy. He knew it was like to go through this sort of thing with his mother, and he hated that she was having to deal with it now. “I’m really sorry,” he offered, feeling sort of lame as he reached out to rub her shoulder. “I’m glad your mom’s okay though. Guess it could have been worse… right?”

“True,” sighed Laureen. “At least she didn’t kill anyone. Or herself.”

“Exactly. And I’m sure everything will get worked out.”

“Yeah… that’s the thing. Eric and Brad want me to come home and help them take care of things. It figures – I always was the one who had to deal with Mom’s issues when I was living there. Why should it be any different now?” She sounded resentful, but her tone changed slightly as she added, “I guess I really should go.” He could tell she was concerned about her mom, even if she didn’t want to show it. That feeling was a familiar one for him.

“You probably should,” he agreed. “Take a few days; I’m sure your work will understand. You can say it’s a family emergency.”

Laureen nodded. “Yeah, it should be okay.” She paused and glanced at the clock. “I wish it wasn’t so early… now I just want to go get this taken care of. I wonder when I can get a flight out…”

“Lemme get on the web; I can find you something,” offered Nick, feeling that this was the best way he could help for right now. He put on his leg and limped to her computer, becoming more focused as he began to scour the airline sites for available tickets to Chicago.

Within the hour, all the arrangements were made: he’d booked a last-minute flight for Laureen that left at eight that morning, giving her a couple hours to pack, get ready, and get to the airport. It couldn’t have worked out any better, and Laureen kept thanking him profusely as he drove her to the airport, arriving just after six.

“It’s no problem,” he told her, holding onto her waist as the stood at the front of airport, getting ready to say goodbye. “Call me when you get there so I know you made it safe, alright?”

She smiled sweetly. “I will.”

“Okay… I guess I should let you go so you can go check in and get your luggage checked and all of that.”

Laureen nodded. “Okay…”

“But c’mere first,” he grinned and opened his arms for a hug. She let go of her suitcase, and he pulled her in for a crushing embrace, smothering her against his chest. “Let me know if I can do anything while you’re there, anything at all, okay? I’ll miss ya,” he murmured into her ear, kissing her lightly on the cheek as he let her go.

“I’ll miss you too.” Smiling up at him, she opened her mouth as if to say something else, and for a moment, he thought it was going to come out, the ‘I love you’ he had feared hearing for her. But either he misjudged her or she changed her mind at the last moment, because all she said was another, “Thanks, Nick.”

“Welcome,” he said again and reached out to take her hand, giving it a squeeze before letting it go so she could grab her luggage again. Finally, they said goodbye, and she turned, wheeling her suitcase behind her as she went to join the end of the check-in line at the counter.

A strange feeling made its way into his throat as he watched her walk away, but he chalked it up to the emotion of saying goodbye and forced himself not to dwell on it as he, too, turned and walked out of the airport, knowing he could go no further.

***

It was still early in the morning when Nick got back to his own house, too early to do much of anything, so he waited another two hours and then called Brian. All of the guys were still in town, having come for his would-be birthday party the night before, which he still felt guilty about ruining. Brian didn’t seem to mind, saying that he understood, but he did want to see Nick, so they arranged to meet the others for a nice breakfast out.

For nearly two hours, they sat around an upscale café in downtown Tampa and talked over breakfast, catching each other up on the latest happenings in their lives. It had been a long time, too long, since they’d all been together, but they had been busy with their own families and projects. Howie had several real estate ventures in the works in Orlando, while Kevin was trying to balance his work with environmental charities with spending time with Kristin and their son Brayden, almost a year old now. AJ was still enjoying being a newlywed with Mary and mentioned that he’d been doing some writing for a possible solo project, something he’d always wanted to do. Brian, who had more time on his hands now that Baylee was in full-day kindergarten, was also pursuing a solo career in the contemporary Christian genre. It wasn’t the kind of music Nick listened to much, but he told Brian he was happy for him, and he meant it. The guys had praised the hell out of his last album, and he had nothing but support for them in return.

And yet, all of them, and certainly the fans as well, were wondering the million dollar question: when would they head back to the studio as a group? It didn’t feel like it, but it had been over two years since the release of their last album and the tour that had followed. Yet, with Nick’s own solo tour set to start in a week, now didn’t seem like the best time to jump right into another Backstreet project.

But even as he pointed this out, he assumed they would have this conversation in another few months and start work on a new album then, as they always did. They still had two albums left on the five-album deal they’d signed with Jive a few months after Millennium’s release, so it came as a shock to Nick when Kevin said, “Guys, I dunno if it’s just me, but… I’m not really feelin’ the idea of doin’ another album.”

Nick, who had just downed the last of his coffee, nearly dropped his mug, jerking his head up in surprise. “What??”

Kevin offered a crooked smile. “Maybe it’s just me then. Everything’s just different now, with the baby and all. I wanna be around while Brayden’s young, you know? I don’t wanna have to be gone all the time, out on the road and away from home.”

“But… Brian did it with Baylee,” Nick protested automatically. All he could think was, no… Kevin’s not thinking of quitting. He can’t… Though he’d always known, deep down, that the Backstreet Boys wouldn’t last forever, it seemed unthinkable that the end would come up so suddenly, in the midst of a casual breakfast conversation.

He expected Brian to jump in and agree with him; after all, it was Brian who had proven he could balance pop stardom and family. But Brian remained unusually silent, his mouth tightly shut as Kevin replied slowly, “Brian was a lot younger. We all were. Maybe you haven’t realized it, cause you’re still young, Nicky, but I’m gonna be thirty-eight this year. I’m gettin’ a little old to be out there poplockin’ on stage, don’t ya think? Maybe it’s time to settle down.”

Nick merely gaped at him, his surprise turning to anger. “Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, you’re old, but you ain’t THAT old! And you’re saying you can’t get up there and do some basic choreography when I did it with only one fucking leg?! That is a bullshit excuse, Kevin, and you know it!”

Kevin shrugged, hardly looking offended. “Fine. Forget that excuse. Let’s just say I’m getting tired of it. The last year at home with Kris and Brayden has been one of the best years of my adult life, and I’m not ready to give that up to do the Backstreet thing all over again.”

“Well, we don’t have to do it right away,” Howie jumped in hopefully, and Nick could see that Howie was on his side in not wanting Kevin to leave. “We can take as much time as you need and start working again when all of us are ready. Right, guys?” he asked, looking around the table at the others. The three of them nodded, but Kevin just shook his head.

“That’s the thing. I don’t think I’m gonna ever be ready again, fellas,” he said in his slow drawl, a sad smile creeping onto his face. “Don’t get me wrong; I loved being in the group with you. What we had… I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ve had an incredible career because of you all. But I just think it’s time for me to move on to the next phase of my life.”

For a few long moments, everyone was very quiet. The others looked stunned, even if they hadn’t shown it as much as Nick. But in the end, no one protested. They all understood… even Nick, when, in the tense silence, he really stopped to think about it. Hadn’t there been times when, despite his love for the music, he had just wished he could stay at home with Claire and forget it all?

But it had never happened. The music had always drawn him back to the studio for more, and now it was all he had. All he could count on, anyway. It was his life; he couldn’t imagine just giving it up.

“Do you think you’ll do anything with music after this?” he asked Kevin quietly. “I mean, just writing? Producing? Broadway? Anything?”

“I hope so,” Kevin smiled. “I don’t want this to be the end of my career. I want it to mark a beginning, a beginning of the second chapter of it. Look at it as a second chapter for all of us.”

Nick nodded, but as he looked around the table again at his four brothers, a tremor of fear rippled through him. He wasn’t ready for the second chapter. Though he’d done two solo albums and enjoyed them thoroughly, he didn’t feel ready to continue the rest of his career totally on his own. He wasn’t ready for the Backstreet Boys to be over. In many ways, they were all he’d known; he’d grown up a Backstreet Boy. These four men were not just his bandmates, but his family. He felt like he was losing a family member.

It seemed AJ wasn’t ready to let go either, for his next question was, “So… is this it for us then?” He, too, looked around the table, his brow creased with deep frown lines.

They all exchanged glances, trying to read the others’ thoughts, but no one spoke until Kevin said, “It doesn’t need to be. I don’t want you guys to quit just because I’m leaving. You’ll have my blessing if you keep makin’ music without me, and I hope you will. I don’t want my decision to screw up your plans.”

“It’s not Backstreet without you, Kev,” said Brian softly, and for the first time, he looked almost as lost as Nick felt inside. “Don’t forget, you brought me into this group. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

“Maybe it won’t be the same, but we were a vocal harmony group, and y’all can still have that without me. Don’t let this be the end if you don’t want it to be,” Kevin said, with meaningful looks at AJ, Howie, and Nick in particular.

AJ was the first one who worked up the balls to say, “Dunno about the rest of you, but I’m not ready to quit yet.”

“Me neither,” Nick chimed in, and Howie quickly followed.

All eyes turned upon Brian, who smiled thinly and said, “Hey, just cause one person stops, doesn’t mean that the train doesn’t keep going. I’m in if you guys are.”

The other three nodded their agreement, and Kevin merely smiled. There was no more argument, no hurt feelings, but the conversation quickly died after that. It was just too awkward. In a span of just a few minutes, everything had changed, and Nick wasn’t sure how to react, how to begin to cope with it. It wasn’t the end, and yet it was. It was the end of an era for him, as it was for Kevin. Nothing would be the same.

Hurt as he was by Kevin’s decision, he hugged his oldest brother tightly before he left, muttering “We’re gonna miss you, Train. You were the engine on the Backstreet train.”

Kevin laughed. “No I wasn’t. Just a car in the middle. You’ll be alright without me, kid – just keep on rollin’.”

Nick forced a smile which felt more like a grimace. But Kevin had made up his mind, and there would be no turning back. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, in an imperfect way. He didn’t realize it then, but a statement would be made in the next few days, as Kevin’s departure became official, and Nick would be bombarded with questions about it throughout his tour. It was perfect only because of the extra publicity it brought to the tour and the fact that the Kevin questions took away from questions about Nick’s health, which had grown tiresome to talk about now that it was such a part of his past. He was ready to move on. A new chapter…

Kevin left the café first that day; maybe he thought the others would want to talk about their future without him. But Nick, Brian, AJ, and Howie found it difficult to talk then. They all had some processing to do. So Brian and Howie left too, wishing Nick a happy birthday for the second time, and then it was just Nick and AJ.

They were just about to take off when Nick’s cell phone rang. “Shit, it’s Claire,” he said, recognizing his “Fat-Bottomed Girls” ringtone.

AJ started snickering. “Does she know you’ve got that song as her ringer?” he snorted, but Nick couldn’t laugh. His stomach had dropped to his knees with the fear of why she might be calling.

Swallowing back the taste of bile in his throat, he flipped open the phone hesitantly, almost afraid to answer. Please God, don’t let it be bad news about the baby, he prayed silently, closing his eyes as he put the phone to his ear. “Claire?”

“Hi, Nick!” Nick opened his eyes again, releasing the breath he’d been holding. Thank God, she didn’t sound upset. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Nope, not at all. I actually just got getting breakfast with the guys.”

“Oh, the guys are in town??”

“Yeah, they came for my b-”

“Birthday!” Claire gasped at the same time. “Oh my god, your party! Wasn’t that supposed to be last night??”

Nick cringed. “Uh… yeah.” Now he was going to make her feel guilty. It wasn’t her fault he’d chosen to stay with her instead of go to his party.

“And you didn’t go, did you?” Her tone was accusatory, even scolding.

“Nah. I didn’t feel like it.”

“Why, cause of me? Nick Carter! I can’t believe you didn’t go to your own birthday party! Laureen did so much planning for that! I can’t believe I didn’t make you go; I totally forgot! Ugh, I need to call her and tell her how sorry I am…”

“It’s not your fault; you were kinda out of it. I didn’t want to go, and I know I pissed her off, but she’s okay now. She said she understood anyway. But don’t call her, cause she’s on her way to Chicago.”

“She’s going home?? Why?”

Nick told her briefly about what had happened to Laureen’s mother, and Claire was sympathetic. But AJ was still standing there listening to his side of the conversation, and Nick was anxious to find out what was going on with her and why she was calling, so he interjected and asked, “So anyway, what’s happenin’? How are the babies?”

“They’re alright. Cait’s doing real well, and Lainey’s hangin’ in there. She’s still really sick, but she made it through the night, and Dr. Estrella’s a little more optimistic this morning.”

“Oh good… thank god,” said Nick, and AJ smiled briefly, understanding that there was good news.

“I know. Anyway, I’m calling to ask a favor,” Claire continued. “My mom and dad are here; they brought me some pajamas and stuff from home, but they forgot their address book, and my mom wanted to call our old pastor to see if he could come to the hospital and, you know, offer a blessing or something. I think it’s a nice idea; they need all the prayers they can get. But we don’t have his number; it’s in my mom’s address book at the condo. I was just thinking, if you were planning on coming by to visit today – and you absolutely don’t have to; just if you were already thinking about it… - maybe you could stop by and grab it and bring it up when you come?”

“Sure,” Nick agreed at once.

“Oh thank you! You still have a spare key, don’t you?”

Nick did; he’d been given the original set when he bought the condo for Claire, and her mom had insisted he keep one of the keys, since he lived in town, in case anything happened. “Yep,” he said.

“Awesome. Okay then, when you go, it should be in the top left desk drawer of the study. It’s a little blue book.”

“Okay, I should be able to find it.”

“No hurry. Just whenever you have a chance.”

“I can head over now; it’s not a big deal. The other guys just left; it’s just me and AJ now.”

“Sup Claire?” AJ shouted, and, smiling, Nick relayed the message.

Claire laughed. “Tell him ‘sup back.”

Nick turned to AJ. “She says ‘wassup?’.” AJ chuckled, and, to Claire, Nick said, “Alright, I’ll head over to the condo, and I’ll be up in a bit. Sound good?”

“Sounds awesome! Thank you!!” she stressed, and they hung up.

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Nick looked up at AJ. “She said the babies are doing better, and I’m supposed to go over to her condo and get her address book. Wanna come?”

“To the condo or to the hospital?”

“I dunno, what do you wanna do?”

AJ thought for a minute. “Well… I guess I could bring her a little gift, on behalf of the guys. That’d be nice, right?”

“Sure, that’d be real nice. Whaddya gonna get, a pair of black onesies with skulls on ‘em?” Nick joked, snickering at the thought. Claire would probably think they were cool.

A mischievous gleam lit up AJ’s dark eyes. “You know where I can find some?”

“Not offhand. Doubt the hospital gift shop sells those. But you can probably find something there.”

“Okay,” AJ decided. “I’ll go. I won’t stay long though. I don’t wanna interfere.”

“The nurses will probably think you’re some creep looking to steal a baby to sell or something,” Nick laughed.

“Hey! You think they won’t recognize me as AJ McLean, the hottest Backstreet Boy?”

Nick scoffed exaggeratedly. “Maybe in your prime – like when you actually had hair – but not anymore.”

“Oh whatever,” AJ retorted, sticking out his tongue like an obnoxious kid. “What I lack in hair, I make up for in limbs.” He cackled, offering Nick a good-natured grin as he lightly kicked him in the prosthetic leg, just hard enough to make an impact and not hard enough to throw him off balance.

“Hey, some chicks dig this,” said Nick, rolling his eyes. “Come on, Boner, let’s go. You wanna ride together?”

“Sure. Let’s take my car. Then I can leave when I want, and you can take a cab back.” Snickering, AJ fished his keys out of his pocket, and Nick resignedly followed him to his rental.

***

“Wow, nice place, Carter,” said AJ, edging his car through the gates that surrounded Claire’s condominium complex. “She’s not even fucking you anymore, and you bought her this? Or… is she?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Nick, though he knew his friend was just joking, felt his face getting hot.

“Nice, J. Real classy,” he grumbled. “I’m a lot of things, but not a homewrecker, alright?”

“Alright, alright, my bad,” AJ apologized. Two seconds later, his smile turned devilish again. “But you’d like to be, wouldn’t you?”

“No,” Nick said firmly. “I’m dating Laureen.”

“Laureen is cute,” admitted AJ. “How are things going with her?”

Nick shrugged. “Okay. Pretty good, I guess.”

“You guess?”

Another shrug. For some reason, Nick didn’t feel like talking about Laureen. “I dunno. She’s a great girl…”

“You’re just not that into her?”

Nick cringed; it sounded so pathetic coming from AJ. Was he leading Laureen on? “I am into her though, just…”

“Not as much as Claire?”

Nick didn’t answer. He didn’t want to admit that, but-

“That was the problem with Veronica too, wasn’t it?”

A long sigh escaped from Nick’s chest. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever just completely get over her and move on, without looking back? I’ve tried… but none of my relationships work out. I didn’t break up with Veronica; she broke up with me. Because of Claire. But… I think I can make things work with Laureen,” he went on desperately, talking more to himself now than to AJ. “I really do like her; she’s sweet and fun and damn sexy in that innocent way she’s got about her.”

AJ eyed him skeptically. “Sure, she’s sweet, and you like her, but do you love her, Nick? Cause I’m tellin’ you now, you can’t force yourself to love someone. Don’t even try, cause you’re only gonna hurt her in the long run. Do you think she loves you?”

“I dunno,” Nick sighed again. “I thought she was gonna say it this morning when we said goodbye at the airport, but she didn’t.”

“Well, you better figure out how you really feel before she does. Cause if this is just a casual thing, that’s all fun and good, but once she starts busting out the L-word, you’re gonna have to think long and hard about what you really want out of this relationship. You can’t string her along, man. She’s too nice for that.”

“I know. But let’s just drop this for now, okay?” insisted Nick, as they got out of the car.

AJ agreed, and they walked up to Claire’s building in silence.

There was a teenage girl waiting in front of the elevator when they approached, and she glanced over at them, smiling politely. Then she did a double take. Nick suppressed an amused grin; this happened more times than he could count.

The girl didn’t say anything at first, just avoided their eyes. The elevator arrived, opening with a ding, and they climbed on after her. “What floor?” she asked, blushing as she spoke.

“Six.”

“Me too,” she smiled as she punched the button. The elevator doors closed, and as it started to rise, she blurted, “Okay, are you Nick and AJ?”

The aforementioned Nick and AJ exchanged grins. “Dang, she’s onto us, Carter,” said AJ, winking at the girl. Short and brunette, she looked about sixteen, and the smile she flashed back at them was radiant. The smile of a true fan.

“I knew it!! Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it! I love you guys!” she burst, suddenly outgoing. “Oh my- does one of you live here??” she asked incredulously as the elevator lurched to a stop, opening onto the sixth floor balcony.

“Nah, a friend of mine does,” answered Nick. “Do you?” Stupid question, he thought as soon as he’d asked, but it turned out not to be.

“No, I’m just visiting my great-grandma. She lives here,” the girl replied. As the got off the elevator, she turned and held out her hand politely. “I’m Amy.”

“Nice to meet you, Amy,” AJ said smoothly, taking her hand and shaking it. “I’m AJ.”

“Nick,” Nick added with a nod, feeling foolish. They’d already established the fact that she knew who they were.

“Wow, it’s so cool to meet you! I’m such a huge fan,” Amy gushed, her eyes shining. Nick didn’t doubt that she was.

“Well, now we gotta ask – who’s your favorite?” AJ teased with another wink.

Amy barely hesitated before she replied, with another million watt smile, “You.”

“Ahh, see Carter? I am still the hottest Backstreet Boy,” gloated AJ. “Nicky and I were having a little debate about this earlier,” he added to Amy.

She laughed. “Oh, I bet. Well, Nick, don’t feel too bad – I still know more people who love you best.”

“Back at ya, Bone,” chuckled Nick, playing along.

“So, if you don’t mind my asking, which condo is your friend in?” asked Amy curiously.

Nick hesitated in giving this information, but seeing as how she would probably hang around and wait to see which condo they went to, he pointed to the second door and said, “Right here.”

“Oh!” Amy’s eyes lit up. “Right next door to my great grandma! She’s in the first one, right here.” She motioned to the door they were standing in front of. “I don’t know if she’s met your friend though.”

“Probably not. She just moved in not too long ago,” said Nick. He didn’t bother to explain that Claire had been on bed rest and probably hadn’t set foot outside the condo since moving in, except to go to her doctor’s appointments.

“Oh, cool. Well, tell her welcome from me and my grandma. If she needs anything, tell her to come over!”

Amy seemed genuinely nice, and Nick smiled and told her thank you, that he would do that. He would have agreed to an autograph or quick picture, but Amy didn’t ask for either, and they soon went their separate ways. Telling them goodbye and that it had been nice to meet them, she disappeared into the first condo while Nick found the spare key on his ring and slid it into Claire’s door.

He let AJ have a brief look around the place while he went into the study. He felt a little weird poking around in someone else’s desk, but the address book was right where Claire had said it would be, so he didn’t have to dig too deep.

“’Kay, J, let’s roll!” he called to AJ, and they left, locking the door again behind them.

The drive to the hospital was quick, as they’d just missed the end of rush hour. On their way up to Claire’s floor, AJ insisted they stop in the gift shop, where he bought the biggest, most expensive bouquet in the flower case and wrote on the card, “Congrats and God bless you and your little ones. Love, The Boys.”

When they got to Claire’s room, AJ hardly able to see over the vase of flowers he was carrying, she wasn’t there. “She’s probably in the NICU,” assumed Nick, looking around the empty room. “Just set the flowers down here.”

AJ left the flowers on the bedside table, next to a smaller bouquet, and they walked back out into the hallway. On the way to the NICU, they ran into none other than Kris and Carrie, Claire’s parents.

“Nick!” exclaimed Carrie, smiling broadly at the sight of him.

“Hi,” Nick smiled back and held out the address book. “I’ve got this…”

“Oh, wonderful – thank you!”

“How’s everyone doing?” he asked.

“Okay,” said Carrie, nodding with a sort of guarded optimism. “They won’t be out of the woods for awhile, but they’re hanging on. This is putting such a strain on Claire, though. She doesn’t want to leave their sides – not that I blame her – but I worry about her too.”

Nick nodded. “She’s stubborn,” he said with a chuckle, which Claire’s father quickly echoed.

“Oh yeah she’s stubborn,” he laughed loudly.

“Wonder where she gets that, huh?” teased Carrie, jabbing her husband playfully in the side. “Well, come on, let’s go call Father Andrews. Nick, she’s in the NICU if you want to go find her. You and…” She looked at AJ, faltering.

“AJ,” AJ jumped in with a smile, extending his hand. “Fellow Backstreet Boy,” he added with a wink. “You must be Claire’s mom. Same pretty blue eyes.”

Nick rolled his own eyes, suppressing a smirk. There went AJ again, always charming the ladies, no matter how old they were or if their husbands were standing right next to him. And indeed, Claire’s mother looked charmed. A faint blush rose in her cheeks as she smiled, giggling softly, and shook his hand. “Nice to meet you, AJ,” she said, and Kris echoed the sentiments.

They soon parted ways, Kris and Carrie going to use the phone while Nick and AJ continued to the NICU. Stopping outside it, AJ hesitated and asked, “Is it really okay for us to go in there?”

Nick shrugged. “I was in there yesterday, and nobody except Jamie seemed to care. ‘Course, since Jamie wasn’t really around, they probably assumed I was the baby daddy.” He paused while AJ laughed. “If we do get any crap, I know someone on the floor who’s a big fan and can be easily bribed by an autograph or randomly breaking into song.” Thinking of Samantha, he grinned.

AJ snickered. “Okay, well, even so, I think I’m just gonna hang out here for right now and let you go in first. I don’t wanna intrude.”

“Alright,” Nick nodded. “I’ll be back in a few then.”

Quietly, he entered the NICU, leaving AJ in the hall. It was like passing into another world, an alien world of cold-looking machines and tiny, tiny babies huddled inside warm incubators. But he’d grown used to it, and he wove his way between the babies’ beds to the back wall where Claire’s twins lay.

As he got nearer, he slowed. Claire was there, in between the two incubators as always, out of her wheelchair this time. She sat, instead, in a tall-backed rocking chair, which creaked as she rocked back and forth, very slowly. Her back was to him, her hand inside Delaine’s incubator, and as he inched closer, unseen by her, he heard soft pitches coming from her lips.

At first, he thought she was just talking to the baby, murmuring gentle words of encouragement. But then, his heart squeezing, he realized she was singing.

“Baby mine, don’t you cry...
Baby mine, dry your eyes…”

She sang quietly, almost under her breath, just loud enough for the babies and now him to hear. It was a private moment, not meant to be shared by outsiders, and Nick knew better than to walk in on it, but now that he was here, just close enough to witness it, he couldn’t bear to turn away. Instead, he froze, straining to listen.

“Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine…”

Her voice, normally off-key when she sang along to the radio, actually sounded better without music, and was beautiful in its own way, the tender way of a mother singing her child to sleep. Nick found himself entranced by it.

“Little one, when you play,
Don’t you mind what they say.
Let those eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear, baby of mine…”

He recognized the song she was singing now; it was a song he hadn’t heard since he was a little boy, planted in front of his TV. But now, the memory flooded back to him, that scene in Dumbo where Dumbo’s mother had rocked him in her trunk. Sweet though it was, he would never know the true significance of what this song meant to Claire, but it was touching all the same.

He felt his heart breaking for her, sensing how hard it must be for her to touch her sick, too-tiny baby only through a plastic enclosure, unable to hold her and rock her. Somehow, Claire’s voice expressed it all; even in the simple words and melody, the emotion was powerful.

“From your head down to your toes,” she sang, and for the first time, her soft, high voice cracked and nearly broke. “You’re not much, goodness knows...” The words came out thickly now, and her voice quivered. “But you’re so precious to me, cute as can be, baby of mine…”

She trailed off, the creaking sounds of the rocker taking the place of her song, and for a few heartbeats, Nick just stood there and watched her rock, afraid to move. He wanted to go to her and wrap his arms around her and kiss her deeply, deeply but sweetly. Gazing at her in rapture, his heart clenched, and he wished more than ever that she could be his, the mother of his children someday. But, of course, he couldn’t do that. So he simply stood frozen.

He was not sure how long he stayed, while she rocked on obliviously, but eventually the lump in his throat got to be too much, and a small cough escaped him as he tried to clear it. He instantly tensed, as Claire stopped rocking and turned her head.

With the guilty feeling of a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Nick offered a sheepish smile. “Hey,” he said softly.

To his relief, Claire just smiled. She looked slightly red-eyed, but calm. “Hi. When did you come in?”

“Just now,” fibbed Nick, but he felt his face growing hot as he said it, and sure enough, it gave him away. He always had been a bad liar.

“You did not. You were listening to my singing,” Claire accused, but gently so. It was clear from the wink she gave him that she didn’t mind, not really. Sniffling, she added, “They say if you sing to babies, they’ll develop an early love for music.”

Unable to resist the opportunity to tease her, Nick replied with a wink back, “Well, not if they hear you singing. They’ll learn to run screaming from it.”

“Ha ha,” said Claire sarcastically, with a long-suffering look. “Fine then. You sing to them.” Her scowl turned to an impish smile, at the expression of what must have been bewilderment on Nick’s face.

“What? Me sing?”

“Yes. That’s what you do, isn’t it? You’ve done it before,” she added with another wink. “So sing.”

He wasn’t sure, but she just might have been serious. He had done it for her before. Well, who was he to refuse what was clearly a challenge… or, at least, a request?

Clearing his throat, he stepped forward, positioning himself on the other side of Delaine’s bed. Looking through the incubator at her and her twin beyond, both so fragile and precious, he scrounged for a song that would fit.

And then they came to him, not lyrics of his own, but of one of the great songwriters of the generation before him. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth, and suddenly, out they came pouring, as if he’d rehearsed them.

“I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do.
My gift is my song, and… this one’s for you…”

Growing more confident, he sang on,

“And you can tell everybody, this is your song.
It may be quite simple, but now that it’s done,
I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind,
That I put down in words…
How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world…”

Trailing off, he turned to chance a look at Claire. The expression on her face was one he had seen before and remembered well, though it had been years ago. Swallowing, he took a breath and changed his tune on a whim.

“I stare at your face, into your eyes.
Outside there’s so much passing us by,
All of the sounds and all of the sights,
Over the earth and under the sky.

“Too much cold and too much rain,
Too much heartache to explain.
Who needs the world when I’ve got you?
Switch off the sun, the stars, and the moon.
I have all I need inside of this room.
Who needs the world when I’ve got you?”

He stopped there, because he knew what was coming in the next verse, and he couldn’t sing it, not then. “I open my arms, try to be true. Seems like my only truth is you. Am I wrong or am I right? All I want is you tonight…”

It was wrong, but true. He wanted her. She was his truth. And when he met her eyes, which were now filled with tears, and looked into her soul, he thought he could see the same realization coming from her. In that moment, if he had had the nerve to move forward and take her quivering chin in his fingers, he was sure he could have kissed her and gotten away with it. She wouldn’t have pushed him away. She likely would have melted, fallen forward right into his arms.

But, perhaps because he knew it was wrong, he didn’t. The moment ended as she broke her gaze and looked away, swiping at her eyes, and for a few seconds, there was silence, as neither of them spoke.

Nick looked down into Delaine’s incubator, now afraid to meet Claire’s eyes again. He was afraid of the power she held over him, the weakness that could make him take advantage of her vulnerability and make the wrong move, which would only complicate things further. He was bound and determined not to let it happen, even though he wanted it to.

“Thank you.” Her words finally drifted over to him shakily, and he looked over again to find her smiling poignantly.

Forcing a crooked smile back, he waved off the thanks and said, “It’s nothin’. You asked me to, didn’t you?”

“No, it is something, Nick,” Claire insisted, and her eyes brightened. “If your voice can do for them what it did for me… then I know they’ll be okay.”

The pesky lump rose back into his throat, as he peered into the incubators again. The silken hair on Delaine’s scalp was a dark contrast against her sallow skin, but beyond her lay her twin, with wisps of the finest red.

Swallowing, Nick nodded slowly. “They will be.”


For you, there’ll be no more crying
For you, the sun will be shining
And I feel that when I’m with you
It’s all right; I know it’s right

To you, I’ll give the world
To you, I’ll never be cold
Cause I feel that when I’m with you
It’s all right; I know it’s right

And the songbirds are singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

And I wish you all the love in the world
But most of all, I wish it from myself

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

- “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac


***

Additional Lyrics: “Baby Mine” by Betty Noyes, “Your Song” by Elton John, “Who Needs the World” by Nick Carter