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Chapter 183


Slow down, lie down
Remember it’s just you and me
Don’t sell out, bow out
Remember how this used to be…


It was Claire who broke the kiss, though not as quickly as Nick had expected.

“Please,” she whispered, breathless, when she finally did, turning away from him. “We can’t do this, Nick…”

“Why not?” he blurted, unable to stop himself. “You’re divorcing Jamie; you’re practically a free woman. You can do what you want, Claire!” Do you not want this? he wondered, and was about to ask, when a thought occurred to him.

She had kissed him back. Sure, she’d broken it after awhile, but she had definitely kissed back. She had enjoyed it too, whether she would admit it or not. And if she wouldn’t, then it was just because she was stubborn.

“Look me in the eye,” he burst suddenly, a fire erupting inside him, heating him up from the inside out. He could feel his cheeks flush with it. Reaching out, he took hold of her face again and turned it towards him, gently forcing her to look at him. “Look at me and tell me this isn’t what you want!”

Claire blinked rapidly, and he couldn’t tell if the moisture in her eyes was left over from King Kong or if it was fresh. “It’s not about what I want!” she cried. “Even when I am a free woman, you’re not a free man – unless you broke up with Laureen and no one bothered to tell me.”

Nick swallowed guiltily, Laureen’s innocent face flashing in his mind. In kissing Claire, he was betraying her. “No,” he mumbled quietly, “We’re not broken up. But…” He trailed off, knowing it might be a bad move to say what he was thinking. But she’s not you. I like her, but she’s not you. I’d break up with her if it meant us getting back together; I’d do it in a heartbeat…

Claire could already tell what he was thinking; he could see it in her eyes, which seemed to flash as she said sharply, “Then you’re not a free man, and I will not be a part of you cheating on Laureen. She’s been a good friend to me, and I’m a terrible friend already for letting what just happened happen! It’s not gonna go any further.” And she crossed her arms over her chest and turned away from him again.

Nick didn’t respond at first, not sure what to say. He hated himself for that; this was such a crucial moment, a big opportunity to get her back, and he was screwing it up.

Then she spoke again, in a very small voice. “I haven’t even talked to Jamie yet,” she murmured. “Add that to the list of reasons why what just happened is wrong.”

“Wrong?” Nick scoffed. “Let’s forget about Laureen and Jamie for a minute. If you take them out of the equation, is it still wrong? Would it still feel wrong to you?”

Claire didn’t answer, though her silence said it all to him. Damn her for being so stubborn. If only she’d just admit it - it had felt good to her too!

“Well, fine!” Nick spat, jerking himself up off the bed, angry at her for suddenly being able to hold in her feelings like that when his were threatening to explode. “Maybe it is wrong to you, but to me, loving you’s the only thing that’s right!”

Feeling his face flush hotter, he began to pace the room, stalking back and forth, unable to look at her. He had the compulsion to just walk out, but her parents weren’t back yet, and concern for her kept him there.

After a minute or so of watching him pace, Claire finally said, in a quiet voice, “I’m sorry, Nick…”

When he looked over, there were tears in her eyes again, and this time, he knew they were fresh. He kept pacing, unable to come up with a response to that. What did she mean by that, anyway?

“Listen, Nick…” she began, and Nick stopped pacing. He stood near her door, his back to her, refusing to look at her again until he knew where this was going, but listening closely all the same. “You know I love you,” she said, and his heart jumped hopefully. “I’ll always love you… just like a part of me will always love Jamie.” His heart plummeted again, and he fought the urge to resume pacing. “But even if things were different,” she continued, “… and you weren’t dating Laureen… and Jamie and I were separated officially… I couldn’t just throw myself into another relationship. I’ve just got too much baggage right now, you know?”

Nick rounded on her. “Yeah,” he snapped, “I know! You think I don’t have baggage?” He scoffed at her. “Every relationship I’ve had in the last three years has ended bad because of the baggage I’ve got. Because of you!”

He expected her to apologize again, for leaving him, for hurting him, but instead, her eyes flashed at his angry tone. “So get over me!” she shouted back. “Why do you keep dwelling on the past? I’m not that fucking special, Nick, so you need to get the hell over me already and move on with your life! Don’t make me responsible for your failed relationships; that’s not fair!”

“Well, excuse me for being in love with you!” Nick raged, his heart beating rapidly in his chest, a vein in his neck pulsing along as his blood boiled. “How’m I supposed to move on from that? I can’t help who I love, and I don’t love Laureen! I love you! And you just said yourself that you still love me, so it’s not like you’ve really moved on either! Your idea of moving on was to marry your asshole ex-boyfriend from high school! That’s not moving on, Claire, that’s moving backwards! No wonder you’re getting a divorce; did you really think that was a good idea?!”

Claire surprised him again by bursting into tears. Not just the kind that filled her eyes, but the kind that poured down her face and distorted her features. “How dare you?!” she cried angrily, her cheeks bright red.

Nick knew he should shut up, but now that he’d already opened the can of worms, he wanted to let them all out. Get it over with. “What, are you trying to say it’s not true? That it was a good idea? That’s bullshit, and you know it. If it was such a good decision on your part, you wouldn’t be divorcing his ass.”

“You’re right! It was a mistake!” she screamed, sobbing. “And why would I wanna repeat it by getting back together with you?”

“What?!” Nick cried in disbelief, suddenly feeling just as hurt and offended as she looked. “Was it really that bad with me?”

He wasn’t yelling anymore; he was just asking her, honestly. He had never fully understood why she’d left him so unexpectedly, but somehow, all this time, he had thought – perhaps only wishfully – that she had made a mistake then too. That she had acted impulsively and regretted it, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Hadn’t she just said she still loved him?

Claire stopped yelling too. Her red eyes widened, and she stared at him for a moment before replying, her voice now hoarse, “No… no, you were never like Jamie. But… it wasn’t perfect either, Nick. We had our share of problems. You think those will all just be gone?”

“What-?” Nick started to ask, but she cut him off.

“Think, Nick. Where are you going in a week?”

Nick jerked as the realization hit him. The tour kicked off in a week. On Friday night, he’d be in New York performing. The dates had been set for months, and he’d finished rehearsals less than a week ago, but all of a sudden, he didn’t feel ready.

“On tour, aren’t you?” Claire answered for him, raising her eyebrows. “And how long will you be gone?”

“Few months,” he mumbled.

“Yeah. Do you see where this is going?” Claire sighed. “Listen… I’ve got nothing against your career; you are amazing at what you do. But look at me… I’m a hormonal mess, I’ve got two sick preemies to worry about, I’m going to be going through a divorce… What I need right now is some stability in my life. And… no offense, Nick, but you’re not the person who can provide that for me.”

When Nick started to protest, thinking that if he had to, if she needed him to, he would just cancel the whole damn tour to be here with her, Claire held up her hand to silence him.

“I don’t think anyone can,” she went on honestly. “I just need to be alone for awhile… take some time to myself and figure all of this out on my own. You understand? It’s not you, it’s me. I won’t be ready for another relationship for a long time.”

It’s not you, it’s me. The words sounded jarringly familiar to Nick, and suddenly, as if from a past life, he remembered part of the letter she’d left on his stairs, explaining why she had left him. “… But it’s not your fault. It’s me, not you…”

He sighed. “Well, do me a favor then and figure it out this time. I miss you… I miss the old Claire. You used to be so sure of yourself.”

A wry smile twisted her lips, and she let out a humorless chuckle. “Sure of myself… right. Maybe I act like it, but that’s usually all it is… an act. I might be outspoken, and maybe I don’t give a shit what people think about me sometimes, but… I’m not sure of myself. Who do you know that’s really sure of themselves all the time? We all have doubts, don’t we? We all make mistakes. But that’s exactly why I need to take some time and figure out who I really am now and what I really want… so I don’t keep on making mistakes. I can’t afford to anymore; I’ve got two daughters to think of now…”

Watching her closely, Nick couldn’t help but think that even if she wasn’t sure of herself, she was still wise. Claire always had possessed way more logic than he had, and even if he didn’t want to admit it, he knew she was probably right. Trying to convince her that they were meant to be together was useless right now. Surely she had thought she and Jamie were meant to be together when she had married him, and now they were separating. She was right to be wary of another relationship. And in trying to push her, he was only pushing her away, making her more afraid. What she needed, like she had said, was time.

And in time, he hoped, she would realize what he had been convinced of all along.

He and Claire were meant to be together.


Baby, baby, baby
Tell me, how can
How can this be wrong?

***

When Nick said goodbye to Claire that day, it was with some finality. She had seemed to think it best that they not see each other again before he left for his tour, and while he didn’t agree, he would honor her wishes. She’d promised to call him when there was news about the twins, good or bad, and he, in turn, had vowed to check up on her from time to time while he was gone.

After all the screaming and the tears, they had made their peace, but still, Nick didn’t feel settled. In truth, he felt incredibly let down. For just a few, wonderful moments, he had imagined that Claire was his again and that, with Jamie out of the picture, they might be able to salvage the future they had once planned together.

But now, that dream was back to just that: a dream. A fantasy.

Reality set in when Laureen came home the next day. When he picked her up from the airport, she filled him in on what was going on with her mom back in Chicago. He was glad to hear that the accident had been a wakeup call to her and that Laureen and her brothers had intervened and convinced their mother to enter a rehab problem before the courts ordered it. From his experience with AJ, Nick assured Laureen this would be a good thing, and she seemed optimistic.

Even so, the car ride home was subdued, and the tension swelled in Nick’s stomach as he thought about the even more serious conversation they would have to have when they got back to Laureen’s apartment.

He had debated over whether or not to tell her about what had happened with Claire, and in the end, though he knew it would hurt her, he felt too guilty not to. If she didn’t hear it from him, she might from Claire, and he knew he needed to be the one to tell her. Better to be honest and get it out in the open right away. It didn’t even have to be the end of their relationship, he told himself, not with Claire’s feelings stuck in limbo. Why give up on a good thing for someone who wasn’t ready to be with him?

“Hey, I know you’re probably tired from the flight and all, but do you mind if I come up for awhile? I want to talk to you about something,” said Nick as he pulled his car into a parking space outside Laureen’s apartment complex.

“Oh, not at all,” Laureen replied, sounding surprised that he would even ask. “I want to talk to you too…”

“Ah… perfect then.” He forced a smile, trying to maintain the charade that everything was fine a little longer. It lasted all the way up the steps, as Nick focused on helping her with her luggage (which he’d insisted on carrying, trying to bank some points with her before he lost them all) while trying not to fall, and into the apartment, which was humid and slightly musty because she’d had it closed up without the air conditioning on while she’d been gone.

“Just set my stuff in my room; I’m gonna open some windows,” said Laureen distractedly, flitting around to open up the apartment and get the stale air out.

Nick was waiting for her on the couch when she made it back out to the living room. “Come sit,” he said with a tight smile, patting the cushion next to him.

Laureen sat. She turned to look at him. “What’s up?” she asked, and though she smiled, he saw the first hints of suspicion in her expression.

“Well…” He took a deep breath. “I’m gonna be honest with you. Some stuff happened while you were gone.”

“Like…?”

“Claire’s divorcing Jamie.” He figured he might as well start off with the good news… mostly because it made the bad news make a little more sense.

Laureen’s eyes widened, and she bounced up from her cushion. “Really?! Wow… what brought that on??”

“Well, aside from him showing up drunk in her hospital room the night before you left, she found out he totally lied about that whole job transfer.”

“What?!” gasped Laureen, her eyes growing even larger. “What do you mean, he lied??”

“He had told her that it was the company’s decision to transfer him – that he didn’t have any say in the matter, and that if they didn’t go to Des Moines, he’d lose his job. Well, come to find out… he requested it himself.”

Laureen’s eyes were now bugging out of her head. “Are you kidding me?! Oh my god!” She fell back against the couch to process this for a moment, then sprang forward again, exclaiming, “Well, good for her!! It’s about time she kicked him to the curb! I mean… even if they were only married, like… a year…” She trailed off with an awkward giggle, with Nick matched with an awkward chuckle of his own.

“Pretty long year though… especially for her, I’m sure.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Laureen agreed emphatically.

The conversation seemed to be going well so far; at least Laureen was happy for Claire. Though, Nick doubted she would be so happy once she heard what had happened after that.

“So, anyway… um… she also got out of the hospital a couple days ago – that was before the divorce thing even came up – and, um… I went over there yesterday to hang out with her, and… well, I guess it’s my fault for bringing it, but we watched King Kong – the Peter Jackson one, not the original one – but see, the old one, it’s, like, kind of a ‘thing’ with me and Claire. We saw it together once, and… Well, anyway… we were watching this movie yesterday, and she cried at the end, and I guess we both kinda let our emotions get out of hand, and…” After the fumbling explanation thus far, Nick paused for a breath, then forced himself to finish clearly, “… and we kissed.”

He stopped then to gauge Laureen’s reaction so far. She hadn’t said a word, just sat back and watched him, which she was still doing now. Something in her eyes flickered on the word ‘kissed,’ yet she didn’t look as surprised or horrified as he had expected.

Nervous by this reaction, or lack thereof, he plunged ahead with the apology part, trying to spit it out before her real reaction came. “It was just one kiss, you know, nothing else besides that, and if it helps, we had a huge argument afterwards. She felt bad, and I felt bad, and she was really upset…” He trailed off, knowing he could not tell her exactly what the argument was about, as he had spent most of it trying to convince Claire that he was still in love with her, not Laureen. “Well, anyway, it didn’t really mean anything; it just happened, and… I just… I thought I should come clean and tell you.”

He stopped again, and this time, he had nothing more to say, so he turned and waited for her to speak, trying to brace himself for whatever she might have to say.

What came out of her mouth, though, was not at all what he’d been expecting. “I have something to tell you too.”

“What?” Nick couldn’t help but ask, wondering what she could possibly have to say that would top his confession. As it turned out, something that was quite equal to it.

“I kissed someone too.”

Nick blinked, his insides seeming to deflate. “You did?”

Looking extremely guilty now, Laureen shifted her weight uncomfortably and nodded. She could not quite look him in the eye. “The second night in Chicago, after we’d gotten the major stuff taken care of with my mom, I went out with some old friends… you know, from high school. They dragged me to a bar, and I admit, I drank more than I should have… and you know how I get when I drink. Once I start to go, I’m gone, right? Well, we met up with this guy Mark, who I always had kind of crush on in school… and I haven’t thought of him in years, really, but I was pretty trashed, and he was pretty loaded himself, and one thing led to another, and I ended up back at his apartment.”

Nick’s eyes widened, and she went on hurriedly, “We didn’t sleep together or anything, but… if I remember right, we did do some making out.” She seemed to cringe, ducking a little, and looked up at him with one eye squeezed shut, as though his instant reaction would be to hit her over the head or something.

But Nick didn’t respond right away, letting this confession absorb for a few moments. It surprised him more than he realized it would, seeing as how she’d been pretty forthcoming about it. But, then, that was probably how she felt about him and Claire too. They were on an even footing, but somehow that seemed to make it worse. Neither of them knew quite how to react or what to say to each other.

Finally, he said, “So… I kissed my ex-girlfriend, and you made out with your high school crush. What now? I mean, do those, like, cancel each other out? Should we be mad at each other? Should we be okay with it?”

Laureen crinkled her nose as she considered this. “I don’t think it’s really okay…” she replied quietly. “I know what I did was wrong… and what you did-”

“Was wrong too,” finished Nick, hanging his head. “I know. I shouldn’t have let it happen. We weren’t even drunk. I’m sorry, Lauree.”

Laureen pursed her lips. “It’s alright,” she said after a moment. “I mean, it’s not, but… I guess it’s kind of understandable. I should have expected something like that to happen with you guys. If I’d known she decided to get a divorce, I probably would have.”

Nick’s head jerked over to look at her in surprise. “What??”

She offered him a half-smile. “Well, you still love her, don’t you? Don’t deny it… I always knew you did. It’s kind of obvious, just the way you act around her… and how you talk about her.”

Nick’s mouth fell open to protest, but he found that the words fumbling on the back of his tongue were insincere and downright dishonest. When it came down to it, Laureen was right, and she knew she was. He still loved Claire, and nothing he could say otherwise would even come close to the truth. Why lie now, when he’d been honest so far?

“I wish I didn’t,” he offered. “Woulda saved me a few years of torture, trying to move on ‘cause she did and knowing that I can’t.”

Laureen smiled sadly. “Maybe she did move on, but don’t you think she still loves you? I mean, I guess she doesn’t really love Jamie anymore, right?”

Nick shrugged, deciding not to tell Laureen what Claire had said about that. “I dunno… but we talked, and it’s not like we’re jumping to get back together or anything. She’s got too much stuff to get through first, with the twins and the divorce and all.”

“But after that… you’re hoping to get back together with her, aren’t you?” Sounding almost like something Claire would say, Laureen’s question was casually blunt.

Nick couldn’t answer. He didn’t want to hurt her.

“It’s okay,” Laureen said quietly. “You know, when you first broke up, I was the one rooting for you guys to get back together. You were always such a cute couple. That was before I thought I had any kind of chance with you…”

Nick swallowed hard. In that moment, he could have tried to find the words that would reconcile their relationship, assuring her that the two of them had something and should let their fling carry on a little longer and see what happened. But he chose not to. It wasn’t that he didn’t like being with Laureen, but he knew, somehow, that this was it. Their relationship was never going to go any further than it already had because he did not love her the way he loved Claire. She would always be a friend, but they would never have what he’d had with Claire, and what he wanted to have with Claire again.

“You’ll always be someone special to me,” Nick told her honestly, and he took hold of her shoulders, gently pulled her to him, and kissed her forehead. “I really have had fun spending time with you.”

“Me too,” she said sadly, forcing a smile that didn’t quite make it to her pretty green eyes.

When he left her apartment that day, Nick was not quite sure who had done the actual breaking-up, him or Laureen. He suspected that, this time, it had been him. But either way, it was clear enough to both of them that it was over.


Grant my last request and just let me hold you
Don’t shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure, I can accept that we’re going nowhere
But one last time, let’s go there
Lay down beside me

- “Last Request” by Paolo Nutini


***