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Chapter 188

Midway through April, Claire was at a strange new place in her life. She was a twenty-nine-year-old, almost divorced, single mother of twin baby girls, living under the same roof as her parents again. It was everything she’d wanted and everything she’d dreaded, all in one.

Caitlin and Delaine were incredible; now eleven weeks old, they were gaining weight and doing the things one-month-old infants were supposed to do – lift and turn their heads, grasp fingers and toys, track objects with their eyes, and look at her when she talked to them. They were behind in development for their actual age, but the pediatrician explained that because they had been born eight weeks early, their corrected age was only three weeks old, and that was the level at which they were expected to function. “And they’re right on target,” he said, reassuring her that both girls were developing normally, given their prematurity. Whether they were behind or not, Claire enjoyed every moment she spent with them, her two miracle babies.

But the twins were the only thing in her life that seemed “right on target.” She had never expected to be raising them by herself, in a condo Nick had bought for her, with her parents hovering over her. The situation was so frustrating that it almost made her long for the house in Clive, Iowa that she and Jamie had purchased together and planned to raise their children in. She loved being in Tampa, loved the condo, and loved her parents, but she knew this set-up couldn’t last for much longer. She needed her independence… both needed it and feared it.

How on earth was she going to raise and support twins on her own? When the divorce was finalized, she would have child support money coming from Jamie, but she would still need to go back to work to take care of the rest of her finances, and that would mean finding and paying for child care for the babies. Even though she had always planned to get another job eventually, it pained her to think of having to leave her children so soon. She had intended to take at least two or three years off to spend with them, wanting to witness all of the important milestones of babyhood, but now that seemed impossible. She had to work, had to find a way to support them, because there was no way she was going to mooch off her parents or Nick any longer. It wasn’t right. She had gotten herself into this whole single mother/divorcee mess, and she would be the one to get herself and her children out of it. She had always been self-reliant, and with two infants now relying on her too, she wasn’t going to stop now.

It was a steep hole she would have to climb out of, but she’d already found a foothold. She had talked to the lawyer Nick had recommended, who had then put her in touch with a reputable lawyer in Des Moines, advising her to file for divorce in Iowa rather than Florida because it was where she and Jamie had residency and marital property. He seemed to think this would make the divorce proceedings easier, and although Claire found it to be much more of a hassle, dealing with an attorney in a completely different state, she had trusted the legal advice and done it anyway. Consulting with the Iowa attorney over the phone and online, she was in the process of drafting a petition with which to serve Jamie. Her requests were simple: he could have the house; all she wanted was custody of the twins and child support. She didn’t expect him to contest; even if he did want custody of the children, he had to realize he would never get it, not with the way he had abandoned them. She was prepared to fight if she had to, but wanted to avoid it.

In the midst of all this stress and uncertainty, she had one thing to look forward to: Nick was coming home. The U.S. leg of his tour had just finished, and he would soon be back in Tampa for a break before heading to Europe for a few dates there.

She couldn’t wait to see him.

***

It felt good to be home, even if it was only for a few weeks, Nick thought as he drove his BMW along the familiar Tampa streets. It felt good to be driving, too; he always missed the independence of having his own car nearby when he was out on the road.

He made a sharp turn, veering the black sports car into a parking lot that was in desperate need of repaving. Dodging potholes, he swung into an empty space and put the car in park, letting the engine idle while he looked around, wondering if Claire had beaten him there. He realized then that he had no idea what kind of vehicle he was even looking for; as far as he knew, Claire didn’t have a car of her own here in Tampa anymore. He would just go on inside.

No sooner had he turned off the ignition than a beige Acura pulled into the space next to him. He looked over and saw Claire waving at him, a big smile on her face. She turned the car off and hopped out, coming around to meet him as he climbed out of his Beamer.

“Hey!” she exclaimed, offering a big hug. “Good to be back?”

“Oh yeah… always,” he replied, pulling her in for a squeeze. “This your car?” he asked, as he released her a moment later.

Claire cast a disdainful expression at the car she’d just gotten out of, wrinkling her nose. “You think I’d ever buy a beige car? Psh… it’s my mom’s. I still need to get my lovely minivan from Iowa. And I think the first thing I’m gonna do is trade it in for something less ‘soccer mom,’” she laughed. “As long as it can hold two car seats, I’m good.”

“Gotcha,” Nick smiled. She was in a good mood today. He had noticed that ever since Jamie had left the picture, Claire had been a little more like her old self each time he’d seen her. He knew motherhood was making her happy, but he had a feeling that the lack of Jamie drama was contributing to the change too.

So much had changed, but it still felt like old times as they walked into the old pizzeria together. “Hey, welcome to Leonardi’s,” a gum-chewing college girl greeted them off-handedly inside the door. “Take a seat wherever, and someone’ll be over to get your drinks in a sec.”

She didn’t give Nick a second glance – that was a change too, but he was grateful for it. The teenagers of today didn’t recognize him or fawn over him in public like they had a decade ago, and on days like today, it didn’t bother him at all. He didn’t want to be “Nick Carter, the Backstreet Boy” today; he just wanted to be Nick and be normal and hang out with Claire.

“Hey, our booth’s empty,” he noticed, his eyes drifting back to the corner booth where they’d shared so many pizzas, milkshakes, laughs, and much-needed comfort. “You wanna grab it?”

“Sure, let’s go for it,” said Claire, and they made a beeline for the wrap-around table.

Nick let Claire slide into the booth first, watching as she scooted near the middle and smoothed her t-shirt down over her stomach. “You look great, by the way,” he commented as he entered on the other side.

“Eh… the baby weight’s starting to come off, slowly, but I’m still a good twenty pounds heavier than I was before. Amber and I are supposed to start yoga again one of these days, but it’s hard to make it a priority when all I do is nurse babies and change diapers,” she said good-naturedly, smiling. “Thanks, though. You look great too.”

Nick smiled in return. “I hope you’re still gonna have some pizza,” he said, reaching for one of the menus, though he didn’t really need one.

“Are you kidding? When have you ever known me to turn down pizza?”

“Good question,” Nick chuckled.

Claire grinned. “Damn right, I’m gonna eat some pizza. I’m gonna cherish every bite, too – I haven’t been out to eat in months!”

“Aww, well that is a calamity!”

“Calamity, good word,” commented Claire, sounding impressed, though she winked to show she was teasing him. “So are we just getting the usual, or what?”

“Usual sounds good to me,” replied Nick, and they made it easy on their waitress, ordering their drinks and a large sausage and pepperoni (with extra cheese, of course) all in one shot.

“So,” said Nick, as they waited for their pizza, “any headway with the divorce stuff?”

Claire gave a short nod. “My lawyer’s drafting papers to serve him. He’s got a certain amount of time to respond and either agree to my requests or contest them. Then there’s a ninety day waiting period either way, but if he agrees with the terms, it should go quick after that. I’m hoping he does… I don’t want it to get ugly.”

Nick nodded. “Have you talked to him at all?”

“Sort of, yeah. He calls me every now and then to check up on the twins. I dunno if I was supposed to or not, but I basically told him what the papers would say – that all I really want is custody of the kids and child support. He can have the house and everything else, except my personal stuff that’s still there.”

“And what’d he say to that?”

“Not much. He kinda shuts down every time I bring it up. I think maybe he’s still in denial that this is really happening, which is why I want to get the papers out to him as soon as possible. I don’t want to give him false hope that we’re somehow going to get back together and be a family.” She shook her head sadly. “God knows I wish I wasn’t stuck raising twin girls on my own, but it’s just not gonna happen. Jamie and I don’t work together like we used to. I just wish I would have seen that earlier… but then I guess I wouldn’t have my girls.”

“You could have still had them someday,” said Nick before he could stop himself, though he did hold back on what he was actually thinking. You could have had them with me.

Claire met his eyes across the table. It was hard to read her expression. “I could have, but ya know, I’m not gonna dwell on it now. I made a choice to marry Jamie, and maybe it was the wrong choice, but I don’t wanna keep looking back on it. I’ve got my kids, and I wanna move forward. They’re all that really matter to me right now anyway. I just need to get this divorce worked out so that we can move on. I feel stuck right now.”

“Stuck how?” asked Nick with a frown, noticing the way her whole demeanor had changed. “You’re a free woman.”

Claire scoffed. “Yeah… a free woman with two tiny babies and no job, who’s living with her parents in a condo paid for by someone else.”

“So? I told you, there’s no strings attached with the condo; don’t worry about it. And your parents are just around until you get on your feet, right?”

“Right… and that’s just it. Getting back on my feet… How am I gonna do that? I’ve got no money; I’ve spent everything on the house and the in-vitro and the babies. Without you and my parents helping me out, there’s no way I’d be able to make ends meet right now. I had counted on having Jamie to support us while I stayed home with the kids for a couple of years, but now it’s just me…” She shook her head, sighing. “It’s not that I don’t want to work – hell, maybe I can even get my old job back now that I’m home. It’s just… I hate the thought of going back to work while they’re so young. I’m going to worry about them constantly, and I’ll be missing out on so much…”

Watching her face fall, Nick could read the frustration in her features and hear it in her voice. His heart went out to her, knowing it couldn’t be easy to be in the predicament she was in. Somehow, in his gladness that she was leaving Jamie, he’d never really thought about what a financial impact a divorce would have on her.

But it didn’t have to be like that. “Listen, I can help you out with money. You shouldn’t have to worry about that on top of everything else right now… and you’re right; you shouldn’t have to go back to work right away either.”

Claire was already shaking her head. “Nick, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I can’t take any more of your money. You’ve already done way too much for me, and I can’t even pay you back for it; there’s no way I would accept more. I’ll make this work.”

“What about a loan, then?” Nick should have known she would be too stubborn to let him help. “You could pay me back later, once you get everything figured out and start getting your child support.”

She smiled. “You’re sweet. I really appreciate it, but I don’t wanna mooch off you anymore. There are plenty of single mothers who manage without help from their famous popstar friends; I can do the same. Jamie won’t let us starve, and neither will my parents, and in all honesty, I’d feel better about letting them help out than you… they’re my family, you know? When you do something amazing like buy me a freaking condo, it makes me feel like a gold-digger…”

“Claire!” For some reason, that stung, and Nick wasn’t sure why. Of course she wasn’t a gold-digger, though he’d had plenty of experience with those. Why couldn’t she understand that he wanted to help, that he liked being able to do something to make her life easier? Why couldn’t she see how much he cared about her? “What does it matter if I’m part of your family or not? We’ve been friends for years… we were almost family once, in case you forgot. What’s the big deal with letting me do you a favor once in awhile?”

Claire laughed humorlessly. “I haven’t forgotten. Look, I know you’re offering out of the kindness of your heart, because you’re a good person. I know that. I love that about you. But… you just don’t seem to understand. It makes me feel inferior to take charity from you! I’ve always worked for the things I’ve wanted out of life. My dad could have bought me a car when I turned sixteen, but he didn’t; he told me to get a job, and I did, and I saved up some money, and then he helped me buy my own car. My parents put me through college, but only so that I could have a career and be able to support myself. I don’t expect to just have things handed to me on a silver platter, and I don’t want that – I want to make my own way and earn things, you know?”

“Well, I’ve worked hard too,” Nick replied, feeling defensive. “My family was poor when I was growing up; we didn’t have money. Without the Backstreet Boys, I wouldn’t have had a car on my sixteenth birthday either; I still might not have gone to college because I wouldn’t have been able to afford it. But I lucked out and ended up in a business where, if you actually manage to become successful, you make big bucks. I’ve worked for what I have, but have I worked harder than you? I don’t think I can say that; it’s not fair. I know you, Claire; you do work for what you want. It’s not fair that I’ve got money and you’re worried about how you’re going to support your babies on your own. Why won’t you let me help?”

“Because… it’s not your place to help. You’ve got your own future to think about, Nick. Hang on to your money… you never know what might happen or when you’ll need it. Someday you’ll have your own family to support. Save it for them… start a college fund or something.”

Nick shook his head; was she totally clueless? Couldn’t she see that he could not even dream of a family that did not include her? Relationship after failed relationship had proven to him what he’d felt all along: that she was the one for him. Hadn’t he made that clear to her before, in the aftermath of their forbidden kiss?

“Claire…” He stopped and looked around, remembering they were still sitting in Leonardi’s. Not exactly the most private place for a conversation like this. “Listen, can we go outside for a minute?”

“Why?” Claire looked suspicious.

“I just… I feel awkward having a deep conversation in a pizza place. Can we go out to the car or something?”

Claire studied him for a minute, then nodded, slipping out of the booth. “Fine,” she said as she stood up, “but don’t think we’re gonna go make out in your backseat or something.”

Nick grinned as he followed her out of the restaurant.

Once inside his Beamer, he turned on the air conditioning, shut off the radio, and twisted in his seat to face her. “What if I told you that when I look into my own future, all I see is you? What if I said that all I want in life is to marry you and help you raise those babies?”

For a moment, they stared into each other’s eyes. Claire seemed spellbound at first; he watched her eyes widen as she processed what he had said. And then the spell was broken, as she looked away.

“I’d say that I can’t answer that right now,” she muttered and reached for the door handle.

Nick’s arm flailed out and caught hers, pulling her hand away. “Wait.”

“No.” Claire twisted her hand out of his grip. “I’m not having this conversation with you, Nick; I thought I made that clear before. It’s too soon for me to even think about jumping into another relationship, even if it’s just hypothetical. We tried it once, and it didn’t work… If I ever decide to get married again, I need to be absolutely sure it’s right.”

There wasn’t much Nick could say to that. He wanted to say something, but nothing seemed likely to change her mind. He would have to be the one to wait; it was as simple as that. He would wait for her as long as it took.

She reached for the door handle again, and the sunlight caught the diamond on her left hand, sending sparkles dancing across the roof of the car.

“You’re still wearing your ring,” Nick observed.

Claire froze, looking down at her hand. “Oh. Yeah...” She pulled her hand back and gently fingered the Claddagh ring. “Just this one… my engagement ring. I took off my wedding band, but I haven’t managed to part with this one yet. I’ve worn it on this finger for over two years; it feels weird not to have it on. I turned it around though, you see?” She held out her hand to him. “The heart points out now, instead of towards me. It means my heart is open again, not taken.”

Nick nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat. “But is it really open?” he asked. “If it is, then why are you so afraid of giving it to someone else?”

“Because hearts can be broken. Mine’s still pretty banged up, Nick… I’m not ready to let anyone else get to it just yet,” she answered quietly.

He frowned. “What if I promised to be gentle with it?”

A vague smile crossed her lips, then faded. She looked up at him, seeming to study him for a moment. Then she shook her head. “I guess it’s not really open,” she said, and slid off the ring. He watched as she turned it around and slipped it back on, so that the tip of the heart was now facing her own, the way it had been when she was with Jamie. Then she reached for the car door again and climbed out.

Nick watched her walk back into Leonardi’s, but didn’t move to follow her just yet. He exhaled a sigh and leaned back against his seat, feeling weary. He was tired of going back and forth with her, tired of building up this false hope, only to have it crushed. It wasn’t her fault, he knew; maybe he was just pushing too hard, too fast. Or maybe he was completely delusional in thinking there was still a chance of them getting back together.

He closed his eyes for a moment and considered just leaving. But he knew that wasn’t the answer. They’d both done it to each other before, here at this very restaurant, and it hadn’t solved anything. It had only made them mad at each other, and that would get them nowhere. He just had to buck up, get over his disappointment, and go back in there with her. Their pizza would probably be waiting.

He wasn’t hungry anymore, but nonetheless, he took his key out of the ignition, dragged himself out of the car, and followed her tracks back inside.


Baby, why can’t we just start over again?
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance, I can love you right
But you’re telling me it won’t be enough

So baby, I will wait for you
‘Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby, I will wait for you
If you think I’m fine, it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

Why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie, what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

Baby, I will wait for you
Baby, I will wait for you
If it’s the last thing I do…

- “Wait for You” by Elliott Yamin


***