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Chapter 5

Nick sucked in a nervous breath as he walked through a door marked "Oncology Outpatient Clinic" and set foot inside the small waiting room, a place he knew all too well. His senses were invaded by all the familiarities - the smell of antiseptic, the sounds of feet shuffling and magazine pages turning and the occasional ruffle of paper coming from the receptionist's desk, and the sight of anxious and sick-looking people slumped in chairs. Some of them were very gaunt, while others looked bloated. Many were bald.

But then there were some that looked perfectly normal, and as he sat down beside Claire and glanced over at her, Nick was glad she was among the latter group. Her hair had grown long enough to be pulled back into a short ponytail, there was color in her naturally fair cheeks, and her body had settled into a healthy medium between the two extremes at which he'd seen it. Someone meeting her for the first time would never know how deathly ill she had been less than two years ago.

He shuddered inwardly, picturing her how she had looked after her bone marrow transplant, when she had been so sick he was afraid he was going to lose her. He didn't like to think of those times, and he hoped he would never have to see her that way again. He wasn't sure he could handle another episode like that.

Which was why he was so nervous. He had accompanied Claire to the hospital that day for one of her bi-yearly check-ups, and although he was sure everything was fine with her, he couldn't help but feel a little uneasy. It was probably just the whole atmosphere of the place... to him, the oncology floor represented nothing but pain, fear, and bad news. It was a place where you couldn't afford to be "sure" about anything because nothing was certain. Even Claire, who had been in remission from her leukemia for a year and a half now, was not totally out of the woods yet. There was always the threat of a recurrence of the cancer or an episode of rejection of the bone marrow she had received from her older brother, Kyle. The chances of either of those things happening diminished as time went by, but the risk was still there. Otherwise she would have had no reason to be sitting in that waiting room right then.

It was she who looked over at him now, concern registering in her eyes. "Hey, are you all right?" she asked quietly, patting his hand. "Jeez, you look more nervous than me. Your hand is like ice!" She picked it up and rubbed it between hers, smiling at him. "Don't be nervous; it's just a check-up. You know I'm fine."

It was amazing how well she could read him sometimes. He returned the smile sheepishly and nodded. "I know," he said. "I think it's just being in this place... it freaks me out."

He had sat here himself just over a month ago for a check-up of his own, three months after his lung surgery. He'd been just as freaked out then, worrying about a re-growth of the tumor that had been taken out of his lung, or a new tumor popping up somewhere else in his body. But all his tests had been clean, and Dr. Kingsbury had ushered him out of the clinic with a smile, telling him to take care until she saw him in another three months.

He just hoped it would be the same for Claire today.

"Yeah, it kinda freaks me out too," she was saying now, "but not as much as it used to. I don't worry as much about it anymore. You shouldn't either. Especially not about me. I'm fine now." She flashed him another quick smile and then reached for the selection of magazines piled on one of the end tables that separated sections of chairs. Nick watched as she sorted through the magazines, discarding the pregnancy and parenting ones that had been on top of the stack and settling on a copy of People. She handed Nick a crinkled Highlights and smirked as he accepted it.

"What?" he asked defensively, as he opened up the children's magazine and scanned the table of contents, looking for the hidden pictures and Goofus and Gallant.

She only smiled and turned back to her own magazine. They waited awhile longer, until finally she was called back by a nurse that Nick didn’t recognize. After two years of having doctor’s appointments anywhere from every three weeks to every three months, and four long hospital stays, Nick had gotten to know the fifth floor staff fairly well. He glanced at the nametag pinned to the young, Hispanic nurse’s scrub top – Angela. He didn’t know an Angela and figured she had to be new. She looked younger than Claire, and he couldn’t imagine she’d been out of college long.

Angela smiled at them both and led them back to one of the examining rooms. Nick waited outside while Claire changed and then went in to sit with her. It felt strange to be sitting there, not as a patient, but as… well, whatever he was. And it was even weirder when the doctor came in, not Dr. Kingsbury, but Claire’s oncologist, Dr. Rodrigo. Nick sat silently and listened to the two of them talk. He stayed out of the way during the examination, and he turned his head when the nurse came back to draw blood, not wanting to watch the needle slide into Claire’s arm.

“Dr. Rodrigo said she must get a bone marrow sample,” the nurse, Angela, told Claire. “I’ll tell her you’re ready for the aspiration.”

Claire nodded and glanced over at Nick as Angela left the room. “Are you having fun?” she teased.

“Tons,” Nick replied flatly. “Does your arm hurt?”

She looked down at the crook of her arm and pressed on the cotton ball that had been taped there. “Nah,” she said, “I’m tough. My hip’s gonna hurt a lot more in a few minutes.”

He grimaced. “I hear ya. Wish you didn’t have to go through that.”

“Yeah, me too, but… no such luck.” She shrugged. “It’s okay; I’ve had it done so many times, I’m used to it by now.”

He didn’t think he would ever get used to the bone marrow tests, the large needle they stuck in your pelvic bone, the horrible pain and pressure you felt as the marrow was sucked out of you. He’d had it done many times himself, and it never got an easier or any less painful.

The doctor and nurse returned a few minutes later to do the procedure. Angela lowered the head of the examining table, and Claire knowingly flipped over and stretched out flat on her stomach. She turned her head to the side on which Nick was sitting and motioned him over. He scooted his chair closer to the table, positioning it near the head, out of the way of Angela and Dr. Rodrigo, who were setting up for the test. Wordlessly, he reached out his hand, and Claire, smiling, took hold of it. She had sat with him through two of these and held his hand, and he realized now, he had never done it for her before. That was going to change though. They were in this together.

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, as Dr. Rodrigo parted the back of her hospital gown and rubbed her skin with an antiseptic that stained her skin orangey brown.

“She’s going to give you the lidocaine now, and then the worst will be over,” Angela said, as Dr. Rodrigo prepared a syringe.

Claire let out a derisive snort and glanced up at the young nurse. “Have you ever had one of these yourself?” she asked.

“No… I haven’t,” replied Angela.

“This isn’t the worst. Trust me. The worst is when the needle hits the bone.”

Nick winced, and the nurse bit her lip awkwardly. “I’m sorry. Try closing your eyes and imagining you are somewhere else. Sometimes that helps. My last patient pictured herself on the beach in Hawaii.”

Claire chuckled. “I went to Hawaii last year. Spent most of the week with my head in the toilet.”

Nick saw Angela look uncertainly across the table at the doctor. He gave Claire’s hand a firm squeeze and murmured under his breath, “She’s just trying to help.”

“I’m sorry,” Claire said, directing the apology to the nurse. “I don’t mean to be a bitch; it’s just that whole ‘imagining you’re somewhere else’ stuff doesn’t work on me. Just stick the thing in me.”

Nick forced himself to look at Claire’s face and not the needle going into her back as Dr. Rodrigo pushed the lidocaine to numb her skin. But watching the pain in her eyes was harder than watching the injection. He squeezed her hand as the doctor pulled out the needle. “Half over,” he said, giving her a grim smile.

She nodded wordlessly and squeezed his hand back.

A few minutes passed, and then it was time for the bigger needle that actually withdrew the bone marrow. Had Nick been smart, he would have kept his eyes on Claire’s face the entire time and not looked as Dr. Rodrigo prepared the second needle. But his curiosity got the better of him, and he couldn’t help but let his eyes wander over to the doctor. In two years, he had had around eight of these, but he had never actually seen one done. When he was lying on his stomach with his head down the whole time, it was impossible to see what the doctors were actually doing. But now he was on the other end of things… and he could see everything.

And when he saw the actual needle for the first time, he wanted to throw up. That was what had been put into his hip all those times?! That was what they were going to plunge into Claire’s bone now?! It was huge! It didn’t even look like a needle, more like a big, long nail that should be hammered into a thick block of wood, not drilled through a living person’s flesh and bone!

He couldn’t watch as Dr. Rodrigo did the procedure; he was afraid he would pass out if he did. Instead, he squeezed Claire’s hand and never tore his gaze from her face. Her eyes were closed tightly, her mouth contorted into a grimace of pain, and she squeezed his hand back so hard he thought she was going to break all the bones inside it.

After what seemed like an eternity, Dr. Rodrigo announced, “All done, Claire,” and Nick let out a shuddering breath. Claire still had her eyes squeezed shut. With his free hand, Nick lightly ran his hand over her back, rubbing it in small circles until she relaxed a little and opened her eyes. It hurt him to see that they were brimming with tears, which she quickly blinked away.

“Are you doing all right?” the nurse, Angela, asked, leaning over Claire.

Claire nodded weakly and directed the question to Nick. “Are you all right? You look kinda pale.”

He smiled crookedly, embarrassed, and nodded. “I’m fine. And I bet I’m not as white as you are.”

“No one will ever be as white as I am.”

He chuckled and patted her back again, as the doctor and nurse bustled around the small exam room, cleaning up.

Half an hour later, Claire and Nick were in the elevator on the way to the ground floor, having left with Dr. Rodrigo’s promise to call if anything was off with the results of Claire’s tests. Nick prayed there would be no reason to call.

The elevator lurched to a stop on the first floor, and the door slid open with a ding. Claire walked out first, her hand on her back, lightly touching the spot where they had done the bone marrow test. Nick knew from experience how sore it was and was careful not to bump into her when he came up alongside her and slid his hand into hers. They walked out of the hospital together, setting their pace slow.

When they finally reached Nick’s silver Jaguar (Claire had been especially excited when he’d picked her up that morning – the Jag was her favorite of all his vehicles), Claire announced, “I think we should go get ice cream. Your treat.”

“My treat?” Nick repeated, trying to sound flabbergasted. “First you drag me to the hospital for your doctor’s appointment when you know there’s a million other things I could be doing, and now you’re making me buy you ice cream?”

Claire snickered. “If you weren’t here with me now, you’d just be sitting on your ass at home playing Nintendo, and you know it, so don’t even start with that. And of course I’m making you buy me ice cream – I’m the one who just had a fifteen gauge needle shoved into my back, not you.”

He blanched and made a face. “Fine, you win,” he said, turning on the ignition. “Ice cream it is. Where to, milady?”

She snickered again and replied, “Anywhere with a drive-thru. I’m not getting out of the car.”

He nodded and headed to the nearest Dairy Queen. When they had gotten their ice cream, Nick parked in a shady corner of the parking lot and rolled down the windows. “You know,” he said, taking a bite of his Blizzard, “we should go to Hawaii.” He looked casually over at Claire to find her staring at him, eyebrows raised.

“Are you serious?” she asked. “Or are you just saying-“

“I’m serious,” he answered quickly. The idea had come to him earlier in the clinic, when Claire mentioned her less-than-satisfactory trip to Hawaii with Tim the year before. He recalled the promise he’d made to her after she got back from that trip…

“I’ll take you back to Hawaii sometime and make it up to you,” he offered, flashing her his famous half-smile.

She returned the smile. “Sometime, sure,” she said lightly, blowing him off. “No time soon though.”

Nick wasn’t sure what qualified as ‘soon,’ but surely six months from then didn’t. “I said I would take you to Hawaii and make up for the crappy time you had there with Tim, didn’t I?” he reminded her. “So… let me make it up to you.”

She was still staring at him, her barely-touched sundae slowly beginning to melt in the warm spring afternoon. Slowly, she broke into a smile. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Yeah! I said I was!” Nick exclaimed. “So do you wanna?”

“Well… when?”

“I dunno, whenever you want to. Next week… the week after that… whatever you want.”

She shook her head. “I can’t just hop on a plane and go to Hawaii, Nick, it’s not that simple. I’ll have to ask for time off from work. How long would you want to stay? A week?”

“However long you want,” he said patiently.

She giggled. “Well, okay… I’ll talk to my boss at work on Monday and see when I can get a week off. Sound good?”

Nick smiled. “Sounds excellent.”

***