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Chapter 59

It was back to work for Nick as well – he and the rest of the group had a long afternoon ahead, and it was only Day 2 in what was going to be a very busy week. They had scheduled meetings with different producers and booked sessions in the recording studio to lay down demos of a few of the songs they were interested in recording. They also hoped to reserve some time to do some songwriting themselves. Nick, especially, was itching to do this. He’d only discovered a love for writing while working on Now or Never, and even if the album hadn’t done as well as he’d wished it had, there had been a thrill in seeing a few of his own songs make the final cut and getting to perform them for his fans.

But that was three years ago, and the days of his solo project seemed like part of another lifetime. So much had happened since then, and he’d changed in so many ways. He hadn’t really sat down and tried to write since early on in the process of recording their last album, and the feelings he’d had inside him then hadn’t been ready to come out yet. But now they were… those feelings and all the emotions and experiences he’d cycled through since. He was ready to get them out and let them go through his music. He was just waiting for the right moment, that burst of inspiration he needed to get started.

“He shoots! He-“ Nick looked up just in time to see a Nerf basketball whizzing at his face. Instinctively, he tried to duck, but his reflexes were not quick enough, as the ball smacked him right in the middle of the forehead. That was not quite the “burst of inspiration” he’d been hoping for.

“Oops,” giggled a guilty Brian, covering his mouth with his hand as Nick’s hand rose to rub his forehead. “Sorry, buddy. You okay?”

He looked genuinely concerned, which amused Nick – it was only a Nerf ball, after all – so he couldn’t resist putting on an act to mess with Brian’s mind a little. “Shit, Bri!” he moaned, contorting his face into a pained expression. “That really hurt! I’m gonna have a bruise there! Maybe even a concussion!”

“Aw, come on, Nick, it was only a Nerf ball…” Brian said slowly, his tone not quite matching the confidence in his words.

Nick rolled his eyes. “I know that, Rok; I was just playin’ with ya. I’m fine, dude.”

“Are you sure?” Great, now Brian really thought he’d hurt him.

“Yes! Damn!”

Brian smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. Just making sure. I didn’t mean to whack you in the head.”

Nick snorted and turned to glance over his shoulder. The small, plastic basketball hoop that went with the Nerf ball was mounted on the wall behind him, above and at least a foot to the right of where his head had been. “Damn, what happened to your aim? You’re losin’ your skills with age, Old Man!”

“Won’t be long, and you’ll be hitting thirty too, Nicky,” Brian retorted, sticking his tongue out playfully. “It comes up on you pretty quick.”

Nick only smiled. Thirty didn’t sound so bad. Sure, it was practically “over the hill” (or at least it had seemed like it to him at Kevin’s thirtieth birthday party a few years ago), but he’d much rather be over the hill than six feet under it. And if he was still cancer-free by the time he turned thirty, he’d be considered cured. No more worries.

No, thirty didn’t sound bad at all.

“Are you kidding?” AJ’s voice came out of nowhere. “Nicky and I will never join the ranks of you thirty-and-over folk. We’re gonna stay young forever.”

“Not if you keep smoking those,” Brian pointed out with a disapproving glance at the pack of cigarettes AJ was sliding out of his pocket.

“Fuck you,” AJ shot back without missing a beat, grinning as he strode out of the room – off for a smoke outside, no doubt. No one was a big fan of AJ’s smoking habit, but except for the occasional heckling, they usually left him alone about it. As long as he wasn’t back to drinking or snorting coke, they were happy. And anyway, he kept saying he was going to quit…

“Baylee! Quit that, honey – you’re going to put a dent in the wall!”

Recognizing Leighanne’s voice from out in the hall, Nick looked up just in time to see Brian’s blonde wife drag his equally blonde son into the lounge they had taken over on their break. In the hand that was not being clutched by his mother’s, little Baylee held a small action figure. A smile spread across Nick’s face as he realized it was one of the Backstreet Boys action figures Burger King had sold as Kid’s Meal toys – Brian, of course. He was just about to comment on it when Baylee reached out and whacked it against the door frame. Nick blinked in surprise and glanced over at Brian, only to see Brian throw his own light body into the nearest wall, hitting it with a dull thud and a loud “Oomph!”

“Ouch, buddy!” exclaimed Brian, rubbing his side exaggeratedly. “It hurts Daddy when you smack him against the wall!” But Baylee, far from concerned, only shrieked with high-pitched laughter.

Leighanne sighed and shook her head. “You’re only encouraging him,” she told her husband disapprovingly and knelt down in front of her son, gently tipping his chin towards her face. “Baylee, what did I tell you?” she asked sternly. “Do not hit the wall with your toys. You play nice with Daddy.”

“I make Daddy jump!” Baylee exclaimed, waving the action figure around wildly.

Nick couldn’t hold in his laughter any longer. The kid was too cute. And having an action figure of your dad? Well, that was just weird… but funny.

“Hey, Bay, that’s a pretty sweet toy!” he called to Baylee, who immediately looked over at him in interest. “I got one kinda like that too. He don’t look much like your daddy, but he does jump like him.” He shot Brian a devilish grin – they were all well-aware of the fact that Action Figure Brian always fell flat on his face when you tried to make him jump off the launchpad that came with him, unless you punched it really hard, and then he flew through the air… only to end up landing flat on his face anyway.

“Daddy jumps hiiiiigh!” Baylee cried, jumping himself as he thrust the toy Brian up over his head.

Nick chuckled again. “You got any more of those guys?” he asked, wondering if Baylee played with the action figure of him too. If he had one of his daddy, he should have one of his god-daddy…

“Baylee?” Leighanne prompted when Baylee did not answer. “Answer Nicky’s question. What other guys do you have?”

“Um…” Baylee rocked from side to side, looking at the ceiling as he started to answer, “Kev-in… How-ie… AJ… and NICK!” On Nick’s name, he went charging across the room towards Nick, almost head-butting him, but Nick caught him under the arms just in time and hoisted him onto his lap, surprised and pleased by the change in Baylee. Gone was the shy toddler he’d scared with his fake leg over the summer. He couldn’t believe how quickly kids changed, especially when they were this little. Then again, it was also hard to believe that Brian’s son would be three years old in less than a month.

“Look at this kid’s hair,” he commented, playfully running a hand over Baylee’s head of wild blonde curls.

Leighanne smiled fondly. “He needs a haircut.”

“Eh, who needs a haircut, right, Bay?” he asked, leaning over to look Baylee in the face and running a hand through his own hair, which was getting pretty shaggy. Then, straightening up, he looked over Baylee’s head at Brian and added impishly, “Just don’t let it get too crazy, or he’ll start to have a Timberlake ‘fro.”

Brian’s eyes widened comically. “Don’t ever compare my son to Justin Timberlake, Carter,” he growled with feigned fierceness, his nostrils flaring.

Baylee looked over at his father. “Who dat?” he asked innocently.

Nick couldn’t help but laugh. “See, he’s even starting to sound like ol’ Justin!”

Brian just shook his head in exasperation. “Come on, you two,” he said, glancing from Baylee to Leighanne. “Let’s go grab some lunch. Nick, you wanna join us?”

“Naw, I’ll wait for D,” Nick replied, not wanting to impose on Littrell family lunchtime. Howie would be along soon anyway, or at least he hoped - he was still in the studio with Kevin, playing back some audios they’d recorded late that morning. Nick had already listened to the tracks and thought they sounded pretty good, but Kevin was ever the perfectionist.

Brian shrugged. “Okay. I’ll be back in awhile then,” he said, then added, “C’mon, Bay, you ready to go eat some lunch, buddy?” Baylee immediately scrambled off Nick’s lap and hurried over to his daddy. Patting his head, Brian grinned at Nick, that unmistakable proud father grin, and gave him a quick wave. “See ya!” he called as he led his family out the door.

Nick watched them go, the smile fading slowly from his lips. He was happy for Brian… he had the perfect little family, and he deserved it more than anyone. But watching them, Nick couldn’t help but wonder, would he ever have such a thing?

Sure we will, he thought determinedly. Soon he would have a wife, a woman who loved him and supported him, just as Leigh did Brian. And with any luck, they’d be able to adopt their own son or daughter. Maybe the child wouldn’t be a perfect clone of one of them, the way Baylee was of Brian, but he knew they’d love him or her just as much as they’d love a child of their own flesh and blood. What did it matter anyway? Claire would make a great mom, and he thought he had it in him to be a pretty good dad.

The smile returned to his face as he pictured his dream family in his head. His focus soon went to Claire, the one thing that was real in that fantasy. She wasn’t his wife yet… but she would be soon. Not soon enough though, he thought. God, he missed her. It had barely been a full day since he’d last seen her, but somehow, spending the weekend with her had almost made their separation harder to handle, for it seemed that just when she had arrived, she was flying home again. He didn’t know when he’d see her next. Maybe not until Thanksgiving, and that was still over three weeks away.

He hoped that once they were married, things would be different. That she would slide effortlessly into the role of the Backstreet wife, accompanying him on tours, coming to his concerts, dropping by the recording studio to take him out to lunch… He knew she wasn’t ready to give up her own life for his quite yet, but once they were married, it wouldn’t be about “her life” or “his life” – they’d build a new life together: their life. They’d both have to give up a little something and compromise to make it work, but he wasn’t concerned. It had worked for Brian and Leighanne, and Kevin and Kristin, too. Why wouldn’t it work for him and Claire?

They’d already been through the tough stuff. She’d been by his side through everything; he had no reason to doubt her devotion to him. He thought of all the times she’d stuck by him, even before they were a couple. Even when she was just his friend, her loyalty had never wavered. She’d always been there, supportive and understanding, patient, yet stubborn, refusing to let him spend too much time pitying himself, keeping him from throwing in the towel and giving up on himself, even when he wanted to. And Lord knew there were times when Nick had wanted to. It would have been so easy to give in to the pain of everything he’d been through… but Claire had always had a way of motivating him to carry on. He owed her for that.

As he mulled over these thoughts, inspiration struck like a flash of lightning in his head, and without stopping to think, he reached for a sheet of paper from the stack that sat on the table in front of him. Pulling the sheet closer, he picked up a nearby pencil and let his hand travel across the paper, scrawling quickly.

It would have been so easy to give in to the pain, he wrote, then paused, reading over the words, mumbling them to himself under his breath. What next? He thought for a moment, his mind traveling back to the weeks following his amputation surgery, when his own self-pity and insecurity had threatened to tear him apart. Claire hadn’t let him lie around and mope; she had been the first to make him get up and fight to get his life back. She’d broken through that woeful wall he’d tried to put up.

Wall… that was good. Poising his pencil over the paper again, he continued on a new line, Let the walls close in around me… He paused, then added an ‘and.’ This line needed to be longer.

Again, he read over what he’d written.

It would have been so easy to give in to the pain
Let the walls close in around me and

“And what?” he asked out loud. What rhymed with pain?

He kept writing, line by line, and turned down Howie and Kevin’s lunch invitation when they finally emerged from the recording booth. “I’ll grab something on my own later,” he waved them off absently, lost in thought. He thought he heard Kevin say something about how he needed to eat, but finally, they both left, giving him the silence and privacy he needed to continue.

By the time Brian came back forty-five minutes later, Nick was staring down at a full set of song lyrics.


I thought I had reached my breaking point
Every ounce of my strength gone
But when I felt I couldn’t walk any further
You’re the one that helped me carry on

It would have been so easy
To give in to the pain
Let the walls close in around me
And forfeit the game

I just wanted to give up; I just wanted it all to end
Who knew that in my darkest hour I would finally see the light again?

Chorus:
You opened my eyes to everything I could be
And I would do it all again
If I knew when it was over you would be the first person I would see
Through all the lies that I’ve been told you’re the only thing in my life that stayed true
And when I didn’t want to live for me
You made me live for you

So the least I can do is return your favor
Know that I’ll always be by your side
The world can turn against us
But together we’ll be all right

[Repeat Chorus]*



“Nick? Didn’t you go get lunch?” Brian asked, looking down at him in confusion, apparently having realized Nick was in the exact same spot he’d left him in.

“Not yet,” Nick murmured, folding the piece of paper into fourths with care and standing up to cram it into his pocket.

“How come?” Brian looked at him with concern in his eyes. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Sure, I’m fine,” Nick smiled. “Just wasn’t hungry.”

Brian looked skeptical. “Not hungry? But you feel okay?”

“Trust me, Rok, I feel great,” said Nick, patting Brian’s shoulder reassuringly as he walked across the room. The pangs of hunger had begun to attack his stomach by now, but he was surprisingly satisfied. He hummed the tune of his new song quietly as he strode down the hall to the vending machines.

***

* “Live For You” lyrics by Shauna Castle, © 2005


AN: Huge thanks to the talented Shauna for writing these lyrics for the story! If you like them as much as I do, drop her a line at punk_rockerchick8705@yahoo.com and tell her so! :)