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Chapter 6

“Sounds excellent! So when are you going?”

Nick had to smile at AJ’s enthusiasm. He had called Nick just to talk, for the two hadn’t spoken in a few weeks, and right away, Nick found himself telling AJ his plans to take Claire vacationing in Hawaii.

“Second week in May,” he answered. “That’s the soonest Claire could get off work. I’m gonna call my travel agent tomorrow and get all the arrangements made.”

“Cool, man,” said AJ. “You know, that’s funny, cause Mary and I were talking about maybe going someplace tropical for a week or so. Just to get away, you know.”

“Mary?” Nick raised an eyebrow and pressed the phone closer to his ear, eager to hear more.

He could practically see AJ grinning on the other end of the line. “Yeah, Mary… I’ve been seeing her for a few weeks now. She’s a real cool girl; I want you to meet her.”

“She living with you yet?”

“Moved in last week.”

Nick snickered. “Typical Bone.”

“What? You know, I’m surprised you and Claire haven’t shacked up together yet. You’ve been together for, what, like four months now?”

“Yeah…”

“So…?”

Nick sighed. “I dunno, J, we haven’t even talked about moving in together.”

“Why not? You think she won’t want to?”

Nick shook his head, even though he knew AJ could not see it. “It’s not her,” he muttered, “it’s-“ He didn’t finish the sentence, but AJ caught the drift.

“It’s you?” he concluded. “Well, what’s up, Kaos? You don’t want her moving in with you? Don’t tell me you’re sick of her all ready! I thought you were crazy about her!”

“I am!” Nick insisted, agitated by all of AJ’s prying. Nosy son of a bitch. “I-I am crazy about her. I just…” He sighed again and raked a hand through his hair. “You wouldn’t understand.”

AJ couldn’t understand. He could never understand Nick’s dilemma… wanting to spend his every waking minute with Claire, yet afraid to take their relationship to the next level, knowing that having her living with him, sleeping beside him in his bed every night, would only lead to situations like the one he’d found himself in two weeks earlier, when he’d freaked out and had a breakdown in his bathroom.

The truth was, he wanted to take the next step with Claire, he really did. But he was so unsure… unsure of his own abilities, unsure of how she would react to him… just the thought of it made his palms sweat. He felt embarrassed even thinking about it, and it embarrassed him to be embarrassed of it. He was twenty-five years old, for God’s sake, an adult, not the same thirteen-year-old virgin who had sat on the floor of AJ’s bedroom and stared, wide-eyed and red-faced, at the centerfold in a copy of Playboy that AJ had somehow gotten a hold of.

It was AJ’s raspy voice that jarred him out of this thoughts now. “Nick? I said, what wouldn’t I understand?”

Nick hadn’t even heard him. “Butt out, AJ, it’s none of your business,” he said irritably.

“Have you fucked her yet?”

Nick felt his stomach constrict. Could AJ be anymore blunt? “That’s none of your goddamn business,” he repeated himself angrily.

“So I take it you haven’t. And let me guess – it’s not her,” said AJ, repeating Nick’s earlier words, “it’s you?”

Nick wasn’t sure which he was feeling more – the humiliation or the frustration. How had he let an innocent conversation take such a unpleasant turn? He felt like he’d backed himself into a corner, and the only way out was just to answer. “Yes,” he mumbled ashamedly, waiting for AJ to laugh at him.

But AJ didn’t even so much as snicker. In fact, there was dead silence on the other end of the line for a few breaths, and just when Nick had begun to wonder if AJ had somehow hung up on him without him realizing it, AJ spoke again. “Look, Nick… I know this is probably a touchy subject and not something you really want to talk about… and I know I can never fully understand what you’re going through – and what you’ve been through – but-“

“Damn straight,” Nick interrupted flatly.

“Hear me out, kid, would you?” pleaded AJ. “I’ll I’m trying to say is that I know I haven’t been through what you have, and I don’t know what it’s like… but I think I do know what’s going on here. You’re self-conscious – is that it?”

How could AJ know that, just from talking to him on the phone? Nick wondered. Was he that pathetically obvious?

He didn’t say anything, and AJ went on, “It’s not a crime, Nick. God, everyone has some part of their body that they’re insecure about. Do you think Claire’s totally confident about her body? I bet she’s not.”

Nick sighed. AJ was right – he didn’t know; he didn’t understand. “Oh come on, AJ, it’s not like I have a crooked nose or a weird birthmark or a third nipple or something! I have a stump, where I should have a leg! And don’t even try to tell me that’s not a major turn-off because I know it is!”

There was a short pause, and then AJ answered. “It’s not as much of a turn-off as a third nipple would be,” he said slyly, and Nick could hear the amusement in his voice. He tried to scowl, but the corners of his lips twitched.

“It’s not funny,” he huffed, even though it sort of was.

“Lighten up, Nick,” AJ said casually. “You worry too much, you know that? Do you honestly think she’d be dating you if she thought you were some disgusting freak of nature?”

Nick winced at the term. “I dunno…”

“Of course she wouldn’t. Being friends is one thing, but she’s your girlfriend now, Nick. That means something. It means a lot. Give her a chance, dude. Put some moves on her and see what happens.”

He made it sound so simple, but it wasn’t simple. It wasn’t simple at all.

Nick sighed. “I’ll try,” he said dully.

“Good. You need to get your confidence back, Nicky, along with your sex life. You’re young, kid; do it while you can!” Nick could feel his face heating up. Why again were they having this conversation? “And if you need any more advice… well, you know where to come. You know Bone Daddy’s here to help,” AJ said and cackled with glee.

Nick groaned. “Yeah, whatever, J.”

“So anyway… Kaos-“ AJ said, and Nick relaxed, sensing that AJ was about to change the subject. Thank God. “- about Hawaii…”

***

“What about Hawaii?”

Dianna set down the piece of pretzel she had been about to pop into her mouth and gave Claire a look from across the table. “What about Hawaii?” she repeated. “You’re leaving in like two weeks, girl, time to start planning!”

“Planning what?” Claire laughed.

“Like what clothes you’re going to bring with you, for one! Why do you think we came to the mall today? Not so you could poke through Suncoast and Spencer’s, I’ll tell you that much.” Dianna shoved the last bit of her pretzel into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “Are you ready?” she asked. “We’ve gone to all your favorites stores already; now it’s time to do some real shopping.”

“For clothes?” replied Claire, swiping at her mouth with a napkin to hide her smile from her best friend. Dianna was a clothes freak, always had been. They had been friends since high school, and even then, Dianna was the one who looked cute and put together in a new ensemble everyday, while Claire usually schlepped around in jeans and t-shirts.

“Of course!” Dianna chirped brightly, standing up and throwing her trash away in the nearest trash bin. Claire downed the rest of her soda and grudgingly stood up and followed Diana away from the food court. She looked longingly at Hot Topic and PacSun as they passed by, but Dianna dragged her on to the more girly clothing stores.

“I hate this place cause they rarely carry anything that looks good on me,” commented Dianna as she led Claire into Wet Seal, “but you can pull it off.”

Claire looked around at the clothing displays and wrinkled her nose. “Dianna… number one, I’m not a teenager anymore. Number two-“ She stopped to finger a tiny, white miniskirt. “-I’m not a whore.”

“Oh, come on, it’s not all sixteen-year-old slut stuff. They have cute things here too, and you need some cute clothes to wear on your trip! Come on, over here.” Dianna grabbed her forearm and pulled her off in the direction of all kinds of brightly-colored summer dresses.

“And why do I need new clothes just to go to Hawaii? You didn’t make me come shopping with you when I went with Tim last year.”

Dianna made a face. “That’s because I didn’t like Tim,” she replied matter-of-factly.

Claire raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You never told me you didn’t like him!”

“Well, no, not while you were still with him. But personally, I always thought he was kind of annoying. And a little clingy too.”

Claire shrugged. “I guess. So I take it Nick meets your standards then?”

Diana considered this a moment and then nodded. “Yeah, Nick’s all right.”

“Just all right??” Claire pretended to be offended. “Why do you care if I look cute on the trip then, if he’s just ‘all right’?”

“Because AJ’s going,” Dianna said with a wide grin.

Claire shook her head, looking amused. “Don’t even tell me you’re crushing on AJ now.”

“And don’t you even tell me he’s not totally sexy.”

Claire shrugged. “He’s not bad,” she offered. “But he’s taken. Don’t forget he’s bringing his new girlfriend along on this trip too; I think that’s the whole point.”

She’d only found out these details Tuesday afternoon. AJ had apparently called Nick Monday night and, somewhere over the course of the conversation, invited himself and his new girlfriend along. Nick had called his travel agent the next day, and now instead of just the two of them spending a week together in Hawaii, they’d be spending a week with AJ and this Mary in Hawaii.

“I hope you don’t mind…” Nick had been apologetic when he told her the news. “He kind of invited himself… you know how Bone is. And I thought it’d be nice to catch up with him. But don’t worry, I promise we’ll have plenty of time to ourselves too.”

Honestly, she didn’t really mind. She liked AJ. Out of Nick’s Backstreet friends, he was her favorite, and she hadn’t seen him in months either. It would be nice to catch up, like Nick said. Although she was looking forward to some alone time with Nick too. Not that they didn’t get enough here, but Tampa just wasn’t quite the magical paradise that Hawaii was. At least she hoped that’s what Hawaii would be this time around, for it certainly hadn’t been last time.

“Girlfriend shmirlfriend. If you ask me, he should move back to Florida and get a new girlfriend – me. Then the four of us could go on double dates together… and award shows and tours and-“ Her eyes began to glaze over, and Claire just shook her head.

“Don’t even tell me you’re all starstruck over some Backstreet Boy.”

“Hey, I never disliked the Backstreet Boys – that was you!”

“Oh, it still is me,” Claire corrected. “I don’t like the Backstreet Boys. I like my Backstreet Boy.”

Dianna smiled and opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was an, “Ooh!” She hurried over to one of the rack and plucked a hanger off of it. “What do you think of this?” She held up a short, aqua-colored dress dotted with white tropical flowers.

“It’s cute,” said Claire, nodding her approval. Famous last words. Ten minutes later, after Dianna had persuaded her to try the dress on, she was walking out of the store with a bag in hand and the dress inside it.

“You can wear it one of the nights you’re there,” Dianna said as they walked on to the next store, “and Nick won’t be able to resist you.”

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that,” Claire muttered under her breath, remembering how he’d pulled away from her that night. She had been careful not to go too far with him since, not wanting to cause anymore scenes like that one and embarrass him again.

“What do you mean?” asked Dianna, and Claire wished she hadn’t let that slip out.

“Oh, nothing,” she tried to play it off, focusing her attention on the display in the nearest store window. It happened to be Baby Gap, and she looked briefly at the pastel spring colors and tiny baseball caps and then turned away.

“No, you meant something,” Dianna insisted. “You had a tone.”

“I did not have a tone!”

“Trust me, you had a tone! Are you and Nick having problems?” Dianna pried, then gasped suddenly. “That’s why he’s randomly taking you to Hawaii!”

Claire slapped her forehead in exasperation and shook her head, groaning. “No!” she said quickly, “that is not why he’s taking me to Hawaii. And no, we’re not having problems. Well, not serious ones anyway.”

“Little ones then? Like what?”

Claire shook her head again. It’s none of her business, she told herself, but Dianna was giving her that look, that “please tell me; I’m dying to know” look. Dianna was notorious for being way too interested in everyone else’s love life, especially when she was not involved with anyone herself. She was the type who actually kept up on all the celebrity gossip – who was dating who in Hollywood and all of that – and her vested interest in Claire’s love life had only skyrocketed when Nick came into the picture.

“Oh, come on, Claire – you can tell me anything; you know that! We’re both adults; it’s not like I’m going to blab the latest developments in your steamy Backstreet romance everywhere. This is between us.”

The look in her dark brown eyes was sincere, and Claire trusted her. Dianna was a loudmouth and a gossip when it came to other people, but with Claire, she knew how to keep a secret. Claire sighed and reluctantly guided her friend over to a secluded bench. They sat down, and Dianna instantly turned towards Claire and said, “Spill.”

Claire smirked. “There’s not really much to spill,” she said with a shrug. “It’s just… well, let’s just say our ‘Backstreet romance’ isn’t exactly ‘steamy,’ if you know what I mean.”

“Ahh… I get you,” Dianna nodded seriously. “You know, I hope this doesn’t sound bad of me, but I was kind of wondering about that.”

Claire closed her eyes briefly and opened them again. “Di,” she said, straight-faced, “we need to get you a man.”

Dianna burst out laughing. “Oh, whatever, call me pathetic if you want! But I have wondered!” They both were laughing now, and when they finally stopped, Dianna’s face grew serious again. “So you haven’t, uh… been intimate with him then?”

Claire shook her head. “No.”

Dianna nodded slowly. “But… you want to?”

“Well, yeah… I mean, I love him… and that’s just the natural direction serious relationships are supposed to head in, right?”

“Right,” agreed Dianna. “But… well, it’s different with Nick.”

“Yeah…” Claire sighed. She’d felt a flash of anger at Dianna’s words, “it’s different with Nick,” and immediately wanted to jump to Nick’s defense. But she knew Dianna didn’t mean anything bad by it, and to be perfectly honest, she was right. It was different with Nick. The unspoken “rules” she had established with past boyfriends didn’t apply to him. “I just think he’s self-conscious,” she said. “Which is understandable. I just wish I knew what to do to make him feel good about himself again.”

Dianna pursed her lips. “I know…” she said sympathetically. “That’s tough. Maybe you just need to talk to him about it.”

“Yeah,” Claire agreed, “you’re probably right. I just don’t know how to go about starting up that conversation. I mean, what do I say?”

“I couldn’t tell you,” Dianna shrugged, “but you’re brave; you’ll come up with something.”

Claire rolled her eyes. “I’m not that brave.”

“You are too! For lots of reasons. One being the fact that you’re even with him.”

“What does that mean?” Claire frowned.

Dianna shifted her weight awkwardly. “Well, nothing… just that… well, it’s kind of a turn off. Wh-what happened to him, I mean.”

“You don’t know him like I do,” Claire fumed defensively. “I don’t love him for what he looks like, Di. Although if you ask me, he’s quite attractive, and I usually don’t even go for blondes, so that’s saying a lot!”

“Don’t get snippy; I didn’t mean to offend you! I was just saying… I guess for most girls, it would be kind of a turn-off. But you’re not most girls, and I know you and Nick have always had something special. And you’re right, he is hot. He’ll always be hot.” Dianna smiled awkwardly, and Claire reluctantly returned the smile, trying to keep herself from getting too annoyed with her friend. Dianna just didn’t understand. She tried, but she would never fully understand the bond Claire had with Nick, that special bond created from all they had been through together.

No one could ever understand that. No one but them.

***