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Chapter 70

Saturday, two days after Thanksgiving, was the first day Nick and Claire had really had to themselves all week. After they’d driven her grandparents to the airport and seen them off early in the morning, they came back to find they had Nick’s house to themselves again, and it mattered to no one how much of a mess they left it. They ate a lunch of cold turkey sandwiches down on the beach, and after playing by the water, they tracked sand through the house without a care.

Claire felt better, happier, than she had all week, much to her own relief. She knew how moody she had been acting, and the crying episode on Thanksgiving, when she’d broken down into tears over something as silly as burnt food (well, maybe that was an understatement), still bothered her. She was not prone to crying, especially not over something that insignificant, in the grand scheme of things. Her own reaction had both surprised and, in a way, frightened her, for it had come out of nowhere, and she’d had no control over it.

She wondered if it could be attributed to hormones. She’d wondered it that morning, as she’d swallowed her usual handful of pills. Among the various medications was a small, round, white pill containing a drug called ethinyl estradiol. Common name, birth control. She’d been taking the pills ever since her bone marrow transplant, not for their intended purpose (for the medical profession was certain she would never get pregnant on her own), but to balance her hormones, which had been thrown out of whack by the chemo and radiation she’d had during the transplant process. They’d always seemed to work well for her, but now she wondered if she needed a change of dose or a different kind of pill altogether. She made a mental note to call her OB/gyn next week.

But first she had other phone calls to make. Her father and her boss, Dr. Somers, had both left her voicemails while she’d been outside with Nick, and she sat down to call them back while Nick wandered into the living room to turn on the Bucs game. She had just said goodbye to Dr. Somers when her phone rang in her hand, startling her. She glanced down at the caller ID to find Jamie’s name on it. Glad that Nick was not in the room, for she could imagine the look he would have given her, she punched a button and answered, “Hello?”

Jamie was his usual low-key self on the phone. He asked how her dad was doing and how her Thanksgiving had been; she asked the same, and any trace of happiness in his voice temporarily faded as he answered that it had been okay – “as good as it could be, I guess, given… you know…”

Claire knew. It was his first Thanksgiving without his father, and she couldn’t imagine how hard it had to have been for him and his family. As her family had said their blessings before dinner, she’d glanced towards the head of the table at her father and seen exactly what she was thankful for that year. Jamie had not been so fortunate.

“Yeah, definitely not your best Thanksgiving, huh?” she replied quietly, her heart aching for him. “This will probably be the hardest one… that’s what I’ve heard, at least.”

“Yeah, probably. I guess it’ll get easier from here. Once Christmas is over, at least. It’s just, getting through this month will be hard… you know, cause of the holidays and the… the anniversary of… yeah. But I’ll be okay. Truth be told, I’m more worried about my mom than anything. She just hasn’t been the same since it happened. I thought she was starting to come around, but the holidays have hit her pretty hard so far. Brad came back up for Thanksgiving, and he’ll be back for Christmas, so that will help, but still…”

Again, her heart burned with sympathy. His dad had died just weeks before Christmas last year; the anniversary of his death was lodged right between the two holidays. “I’m so sorry, Jamie,” she said softly, wishing she could think of something less generic to tell him. “I know that’s going to be rough. If there’s anything I can do… or my family, too – you know you’ve always been like another son to my dad…”

“Thanks, Clairie,” Jamie replied quietly. “We’ll be okay though. My mom and my brother and I have still got each other, and I guess that’s what matters.”

“True,” she agreed in almost a whisper, taken by how freely he was talking about this. Like many guys, Jamie had never been very open about his emotions, not even around her. Nick was the same way, but she could crack the walls he built around himself if she really wanted to. Jamie was a different story. She knew him intimately, but when he closed himself off from her, there was no getting in. He only opened up when he wanted to. But when he did, it was like opening the floodgates; the words, the emotions, poured from him. She supposed maybe this was one of those times; maybe he’d needed to talk about this for awhile now, and she was the only one he felt like talking to.

But just when he’d started, he stopped again, abruptly closing himself back up. “Hey, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to get you all depressed talking about my dad. That’s not why I called.”

“Oh, Jamie, it’s no problem!” she replied quickly. “You know I-“

“No really, I called for a different reason. I’ve got some news,” he said.

Claire fell silent, mystified. “What kind of news?” she asked curiously. “Good news or bad news?” She tried to figure it out from his voice, but she couldn’t interpret it in his neutral tone. She waited for him to answer.

“Good – I think.” He paused for suspense, then burst, “I got the job!”

What job? was Claire’s initial reaction, and then she remembered. “The job!” she exclaimed after missing just a beat. “The one in Tampa??”

“That’s the one,” Jamie replied with a note of glee in his voice. “I’m moving down right after Christmas, assuming I can find a place to live, and I start January 2. So I’ll be there for New Year’s… we should party.”

She laughed, ignoring his last comment because New Year’s would mark one year together for Nick and her, and said, “That’s great! Congratulations!”

“Thanks. It’ll be good to get back. There’s too many memories here anymore. I have memories in Tampa too, of course… but different ones. Good ones.” The way he said it, Claire knew that if she’d been standing in the same room as him, he would be staring right at her. She was glad he was just on the phone.

“Well, good. It’ll be nice to have you back,” she said automatically, and though a part of her meant it, the rest of her couldn’t help but think how awkward it was going to be, having him back… having to deal with his snide little comments about Nick, and Nick’s reciprocal jealousy…

She fought the urge to sigh, feeling suddenly overwhelmed. The feeling got worse when she swiveled around in Nick’s desk chair and found him standing in the doorway, his featured hardened into an ugly scowl.

She frowned, and for just a split second, she felt guilt wash over her. But just as quickly as it had come, the guilt receded, as she realized she had nothing to feel guilty about. She was only talking on the phone – no crime in that. Besides, Jamie had called her, not vice versa. Returning Nick’s cold stare, she spoke clearly into the phone, “Hey Jamie, I’m really sorry, but I’ve gotta get going now. Nick and I are supposed to go visit a friend.”

It wasn’t a lie; they had planned to go to the hospital to see Casey, for Claire hadn’t been to visit him all week, and Nick hadn’t visited since he’d gone to LA. Somehow, though, she knew Nick wasn’t glaring at her because he was in a hurry to leave.

“Oh, gotcha,” said Jamie. “I’ll talk to you later then, alright?”

“Okay. Thanks for calling; I’ll talk to you later.” Once she had hung up, Claire tossed her cell phone down onto Nick’s desk and stood up, her fists instantly going to her hips. “Are you trying to creep me out? What are you doing just standing there? And what’s with the look?” she demanded of Nick, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

“I thought you were calling your dad and your boss,” he replied, sounding very accusatory.

“I did. Jamie called right after I got off the phone with Dr. Somers.”

Nick opened his mouth to retort, but nothing came out. She could tell he couldn’t think of anything sensible to come back with, yet he clearly didn’t believe her either. Annoyed, she filled in the gap by continuing, “What, did you think I lied to you and then snuck in here to call him behind your back?” Before he could answer, she went on, her blood beginning to boil, “Well of course that’s what you think! Cause in your mind, Jamie and I have been having some torrid affair for months now! I could show you my list of recent calls to prove that I did call who I said I was going to, but why bother? You’ll still think I was in here having phone sex with him or something.”

Nick cringed visibly, making a face. “Don’t put words in my mouth; I didn’t say that,” he spat darkly.

“No, but you were probably thinking it. This whole jealous/suspicious thing you’ve got going on, Nick, it’s pissing me off! I can’t take it anymore! You turn into a possessive asshole at the mere mention of anything having to do with Jamie, and I’m sick of it!!” Again, his jaw dropped as he started to sputter a comeback, but she was on a roll now. “You know, you never had a problem with me having male friends when I was dating Tim last year – and come to think of it, neither did he. I was friends with you and Jamie when I was with him, and he never acted like a jealous bastard.”

“Maybe that’s cause Tim’s an idiot!” snapped Nick, finally getting a word in. “Maybe he would have been jealous if he’d realized what was really going on. You never loved him! He was just a fling for you, some stupid fling to make me jealous! You used him to get to me! And funny, you didn’t care if I was jealous then – you wanted me to be jealous! Don’t deny it,” he warned, when she opened her mouth to reply.

And she couldn’t deny it, for though it sounded harsh when he worded it like that, it was pretty much true. She hadn’t dove into her relationship with Tim for the sole purpose of getting to Nick, but she had to admit, she let the fling go on much longer than it should have because she knew it bothered him. Nick had pushed her away, and she was hurt; she’d wanted to make him jealous; she’d wanted him to fight for her.

“Maybe, but that’s totally different,” she started to argue, but he cut her off.

“Yeah? How is it that much different? You dated him while you were friends with me, and yet, we both know you and I were more than friends at that point. How do I know you’re not doing the same fucking thing to me now? Dating me to make Jamie jealous because you’ve decided you still love him and want him back?”

Claire’s mouth fell open; she couldn’t believe he was accusing her of this. “Gee, that’s pretty extreme, dating someone for a year and getting engaged to them just to make another guy jealous!” she cried rather shrilly. “But I guess you think I’m just shifty enough to do that! If you have me all figured out, Nick, what are you doing still with me? If you think Tim was such an idiot for dating me for so long, why don’t you leave me?!” She ended on a scream, and as her last angry words rang about the room, they both stopped and stared at each other. Nick’s eyes were wide, and his mouth was open as if he were about to scream something back, but he didn’t. An eerie silence fell, and it seemed neither of them knew what to say. Claire certainly didn’t. Her words had been heavy with sarcasm (he knew that, didn’t he?), but she wasn’t ready to apologize for them yet. She waited to see what he was going to say.

When he finally spoke, his voice was lifeless. “Is that what you want?”

For a long time, she didn’t answer. (Why didn’t she answer??) She wanted to, but the words just wouldn’t come. (Why couldn’t she speak??) Finally, she asked, “What do you think, Nick?”

She expected him to realize that she was being sarcastic, that she thought this whole situation was preposterous, that of course she loved him and wanted to be with him (didn’t she?). “I think you love me,” he would say, flashing that sexy Carter smirk that had always oozed such confidence and charmed her so. He’d whip her into her arms so fast she could not push him away and kiss her until she was dizzy, unable to think clearly enough to keep fighting with him. Then they’d laugh over how ridiculous this all was and make up, like they always did. They didn’t always resolve their problems, ultimately… but they always made up. Somehow, they always kept going.

But that was not what happened. When Nick finally answered her, all he said was, “I don’t know.”

Caught off-guard by this response, she didn’t speak. She didn’t know what to say.

For moment, it seemed, neither did he. But then he continued, as if to explain himself, “I don’t know anymore, Claire. I don’t get you; I don’t know what you want. You say you love me; you say I’m the one you want, but then you act like you don’t want to be with me. We haven’t made love in weeks because you’re hot and cold, all over the place!”

She opened her mouth to protest, but he didn’t give her the chance.

“I know this week’s been stressful for you, so we’ll forget that, but there’s been other things too. Like why did you call Jamie before you called me when you found out about your dad’s heart attack? How is it he was the only one you could think of to call the night the burglar alarm went off? And why did you lie about it?”

“We’ve already been through that, Nick!” Claire cried desperately. “I’m sorry you don’t trust me, but I already apologized! There’s nothing else I can say!”

“Oh, but you can taunt me about you and Jamie being together – you seemed to have a lot to say there!” he roared.

“I was kidding! You don’t really believe that, do you??”

“I don’t know! I don’t know what to believe!” Nick exclaimed, throwing his hands wildly into the air. “I don’t know about anything anymore – Jamie, you… us…”

Why she didn’t take that opportunity to reassure him of ‘them’ – that there would always be a them, that she loved him, that Jamie meant nothing, not like that – she did not know. But in her silence, he let his hands fall, stood staring at her for a few seconds, then turned and walked out the door. For nearly a minute, she could only stand and stare after him.

***