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Chapter 71

Claire never knew where Nick went, but when she had finally regained her composure and left the room, he was gone. The urge to cry swelled within her, but, remembering her breakdown on Thanksgiving, she forced herself to contain it. Calmly, she retrieved her car keys and strode to the door, hopping into her Toyota and cranking the engine. Then off she drove to the hospital, to visit Casey as they had planned. Keep Casey company and keep herself from thinking of Nick all at the same time? She could think of nothing better to do.

The oncology ward at Tampa General was just the same as always. It never changed, not for weekends, holidays, or the feared collapse of Claire Ryan’s engagement to Nick Carter. Pushing all thoughts of the latter from her mind, Claire held her head high as she walked briskly down the familiar hallways, winding her way to the pediatric unit.

Casey’s mother had just come out of his room when Claire reached it. “Hi, Mrs. Brenner,” she greeted the older woman with a hesitant smile, afraid to sound too cheerful before she asked how Casey was doing that day. She hadn’t been to see him all week because of her father, and she knew from experience that a lot could change in a week. Besides, she didn’t feel too cheerful herself anyway.

Meredith Brenner offered her a thin smile in return, the forced smile of a weary mother watching her child go through hell. “Oh, hi, Claire,” she said. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, thanks, and you?”

Mrs. Brenner just sort of shrugged. “It’s been a rough few days,” she admitted. “Casey’s been so ill… he hasn’t been able to keep anything down all week. A neighbor of ours made us a Thanksgiving dinner, so I brought some turkey and stuff up to the hospital for him, but he was too sick to eat any of it.” She rubbed her eye as she spoke; Claire couldn’t tell if she was wiping away a tear or just plain exhausted. “They’re pumping him full of fluids to keep him from getting too dehydrated,” she continued, “and if he’s not any better by tomorrow, they’re probably going to have to put in a feeding tube.”

Blanching at the mention of a feeding tube, Claire shook her head slowly. “I’m so sorry,” she said in a low voice. “That’s terrible… for him, and for you, having to watch him go through it.”

Mrs. Brenner nodded, and this time, Claire was quite sure she saw tears sparkling in her dark eyes. “It’s been very hard on all of us… and sometimes, I wonder if it’s all worth it. The treatments, I mean. This new chemo they’re trying on him… it’s made him so sick, and no one knows yet if it’s really helping him at all. He’s been such a trooper, but I don’t know how much more of it he can take.”

When she walked into his room a few minutes later and saw him lying there in bed, curled into a ball beneath the sheets, Claire didn’t know either. With his pale, bald head and papery skin stretched across his small, gaunt frame, he looked almost like a very frail old man. But the stuffed animals tucked around him, the model airplane hanging from one of his IV stands, the bouquet of balloons in the corner of the room, the short stack of Nintendo games piled atop his Gamecube… all reminded her that he was only a child. A child who had been battling this illness for over half his short life.

She really didn’t know how he did it.

It was one of the things about Casey that had always intrigued her and practically broken her heart at the same time – his strength, and his resolve, and his optimism. She’d met him when he was just six years old and facing his second bout of leukemia; though he had undoubtedly been scared, of the hospital and the medicines and the needles, he had also come to accept these things as a part of his life, necessary evils he would have to endure in order to get better. And there had never been in a doubt in his mind that he would, in fact, get better. Of course, he was six then, and death was still a vague concept. At eleven, he was now much more aware of what was happening to him, yet he still showed all the same qualities he’d had at six. He still talked about going back to school next year and wanting to be a pilot when he grew up. He had all sorts of plans for the future, and clearly, dying was not a part of them.

I hope you get to do it all, Casey, she thought, as she sat down beside his bed. He had fallen asleep, maybe just since his mother had left, and did not stir. She watched him sleep for a few minutes, and in her mind, she heard his mother’s words. “Sometimes, I wonder if it’s all worth it… I don’t know how much more of it he can take.” Her eyes began to prickle, and again, she tried to hold the tears back, afraid Casey would wake up and see her crying. It was a hard thing to do though, for all of a sudden, she had a very bad feeling.

The feeling lasted all the way home.

***

On the deck of his boat, Nick raked a hand through his wind-blown hair. He’d been drifting for hours, and he felt just as lost as he had when he’d set out. He was losing her… he knew it. He could feel her slipping away, like water through his fingers, into Jamie’s arms. Claire had sworn time and time again that there was nothing between them… but he knew Jamie still had feelings for her, and he was beginning to wonder if the same weren’t true for her. She’d been acting funny lately, and he had a reason to be suspicious. She’d lied to him once… and as much as he wanted to trust her, he knew she could do it again. Maybe she was just trying to protect him, afraid of hurting his feelings. That was why she was still with him.

Though he still had no answers (What had he done wrong? Why had she fallen out of love with him? Why now?) when he finally turned the boat back towards the distant coast, he had decided on one thing – he was going to go home, walk into his house, and confront her once and for all. But not an angry confrontation, like before. No… this time, all he was going to do was calmly tell her that if she wasn’t happy being with him, it was okay to leave him. That he would understand. That he wouldn’t curl up and die without her (although he wasn’t quite sure that was true.) If you love someone, let them go. He’d heard that quote before, and he’d followed it once. He’d pushed Claire away last year, when he thought he was tying her down. If they love you, they’ll come back. Claire had come back that time. Maybe she would come back again, once she’d found whatever it was she was looking for, whatever it was that was pulling her away from him.

Then again, maybe not.

He wanted Claire to be happy… but, selfish as it seemed, he wanted her to be happy with him. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her and being alone again. And that was why, when he did get home, he abandoned his plan and said nothing. She was there and didn’t say much of anything either, other than that she’d been to see Casey. He asked how Casey was, she told him not so good, and that was about it. He went into his studio and took his frustration out on his drumset for awhile, and when he finally emerged, he found her slumped in front of the TV, a heaping bowl of chocolate ice cream in her lap, watching Thelma and Louise.

Leaving her to it, he went into another room to play video games, the kind that involved big guns and blowing things up. He played until his eyes were practically crossed, and then he went to bed. He was surprised to find her there in his bed, already sound asleep, or so it seemed. “Claire?” he couldn’t keep himself from whispering as he stood at the edge of the bed, staring over her, wondering if she was faking. When she did not stir, he shrugged and started to undress. He pulled off his clothes and his leg and climbed into bed beside her.

Settling down, he rested his head on the pillow so that it was turned to face her. For a few minutes he just watched her, her relaxed features barely visible in the sliver of moonlight that streamed through their bedroom window. God, I love you, he thought longingly. Girl, you frustrate the hell out of me sometimes… but I love you.

As a soft sigh escaped his throat, he turned his head and stared up at the ceiling for a long time before his eyes closed in sleep.

***

The next time he opened his eyes, Nick found himself staring at Claire’s face again. Only this time, she was leaning over him and wide awake.

“Nick?” she was saying. “You gotta get up now, or you’re going to miss your flight.”

His flight… shit. Realizing that he was scheduled to fly back to LA later that morning, Nick sat bolt upright. “What time is it??”

“Quarter till nine. Your flight leaves at eleven; we gotta get going if you want to make check-in,” Claire said briskly. “I’m sorry we overslept; I guess I forgot to set the alarm when I went to bed last night.”

“No, no problem,” Nick replied vaguely. “I should have set it; I’m the one who had to get up.”

Claire shrugged. “Oh well, doesn’t matter now. You get ready; I’ll start packing your bag.”

“You don’t have to-“ he started to say, but she had already dragged out his suitcase and started piling his clothes onto the unmade bed to fold. Shrugging, he resignedly tossed back the covers and maneuvered to the edge of the bed. He stood up slowly and stretched his arms above his head, yawning, wishing he didn’t have to leave so soon. There was so much they had left to talk about, so much they needed to say. Somehow he knew they wouldn’t get the chance, not this morning, not face to face, the way they needed to be.

Sure enough, after a chaotic half hour of getting ready in the house, they were in Nick’s Jaguar, on the way to the airport. The car ride was awkwardly quiet; with the morning scramble to leave over with, the tension from yesterday had kicked back in, and neither of them knew what to say. They drove in silence, the dreary gray sky outside complimenting their moods perfectly.

It wasn’t until they were standing in front of the security checkpoint in the airport, Nick dreading the awkward goodbye he knew he could not avoid, that Claire finally leaned into him and said in a low voice, “Look, I know this isn’t the best time, but I didn’t get to tell you last night…”

“Tell me what?” Nick asked anxiously, his curiosity tainted with suspicion.

She took his arm and pulled him over to a less crowded spot in the vast terminal. “Just so you know… I’m going to start working part-time in my dad’s office. In Gainesville. It’s just a temporary thing – it’s a busy time of year for dentists, what with all the cavities kids get from Halloween candy and all the parents trying to schedule appointments to get their kids’ cavities filled during their holiday breaks… you know. My dad’s not going to be able to go back to work for a few weeks, and even though he has a colleague, they’re going to swamped; they need all the help they can get. And you know, more hygienists means less work for the dentists, so I’m gonna take extra hours as a temp there.”

“But… Gainesville? That’s two hours away! What about your job here?” Nick asked.

“I’ll still be working here too, three days a week; the rest of the time, I’ll be in Gainesville. Dr. Somers is fine with it; he’s the one who suggested it, actually, after talking to my dad – they’re old buddies. I’ll just be working more hours and commuting between here and there a couple times a week. I just wanted to let you know what was up, so if you call the house and I’m not there…”

“Are you sure you should be doing that?” asked Nick, frowning. “I don’t want you to work too many hours… you’ve been under enough stress lately as it is.”

Claire gave a casual wave, as if to blow him off. “Nah, I’ll be fine. This is something I need to do. I wanna help out my dad… and… and just be there for him, you know? This way, I’ll be able to spend some time at home and help out while he’s recovering. Besides, what else am I gonna do? Who else am I gonna spend time with? It’s not like you’ll be here.” Nick shifted uncomfortably at the hint of resentment in her voice. “Di and this new boyfriend of hers are practically Siamese twins lately,” she continued, “and I guess hanging out with Jamie is strictly forbidden – besides, he’s not moving back to town for another month.”

“Now there’s something to look forward to,” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, I thought you could be in charge of planning his ‘Welcome Back’ party,” Claire shot back with the same sarcasm, sticking her tongue out at him.

Smiling sheepishly, he reached out and touched her arm. “I love you, Claire,” he said sincerely, looking into her eyes.

Her smile faltered, but slowly returned. “I love you too, Nick,” she replied softly, lightly draping an arm around him. “I always will. Don’t forget that.”

He frowned, slightly perplexed by this rare elaboration, but he nodded. Pulling her close, he gave her a hug, closing his eyes as he squeezed her tightly, inhaling her sweetly familiar scent for the last time before he released her. “I’ll see you in a couple weeks,” he said reluctantly, remembering the regular check-up with his oncologist he would have to return for then.

“Have a safe flight. Call me when you get there.”

“Always do,” he replied with a quick smile. Giving her an affectionate nudge in the shoulder, he forced himself to turn away. Adjusting his backpack on his shoulders, he schlepped slowly towards the security check, glancing over his shoulder just once before she disappeared from view. She raised her hand to give him a little wave, but all he noticed was the saddened look on her face.

By the time he boarded his plane an hour later, a light rain had begun to fall.


When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darling, when I hold you
Don’t you know I feel the same

Nothing lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We’ve been through this such a long, long time
Just trying to kill the pain
But lovers always come, and lovers always go
And no one’s really sure who’s letting go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowing that you were mine
All mine

So if you want to love me
Then darling, don’t refrain
Or I’ll just end up walking
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time… on your own
Do you need some time… all alone
Everybody needs some time… on their own
Don’t you know you need some time
All alone

- “November Rain” by Guns ‘N’ Roses


***