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Chapter 72

“So how was your Thanksgiving?” AJ asked on the first night Nick was back in Los Angeles. Howie had just flown back from Florida too, and AJ had invited them both over to his place. None of them felt like going out that night, so they’d opted to stay in, playing poker and just hanging out.

“Eh, honestly…?” said Nick, screwing up his face as he considered the week he’d had. “… Not so great.” He told AJ and Howie about the fiasco with the food and how upset Claire had been. “She’s kinda freaking me out lately, but whatever. How was you guys’ holiday?”

Howie talked about going home to Orlando for the usual Dorough festivities, which Nick often joined in on to avoid his own family. AJ, on the other hand, had spent the holiday in LA with Mary’s family; his mom, whom he always spent the holidays with, had flown out to join them too. Nick had a hard time holding back his surprise – to him, that meant that AJ and Mary were getting pretty serious. AJ hadn’t been serious about a woman in a long time, not since Sarah, and a part of Nick wondered if they wouldn’t have another engagement on their hands before too long. Brian and Kevin had both gotten married in the same year; why couldn’t he and AJ?

“So, Nick, what’s up with Claire anyway?” AJ asked, turning Nick’s thoughts about AJ’s relationship back to his own.

“You got me; I dunno. I think it’s stress. She’s just acting weird, not herself, you know? I just hope it ain’t something I did.”

AJ laughed. “Well, think, Nick, have you done something to piss her off recently? Haven’t been mackin’ on the hot honeys in the clubs behind her back again, have you?”

Nick shot him a dark look. “That was one girl, one time, AJ, and I fucked up so bad there, I’ll never do it again. She still hasn’t quite forgiven me for it, you know.”

“Is that why she’s acting weird, you think?” Howie spoke up.

Nick shrugged, then shook his head. “I don’t think so. It’s come up, but that can’t be the only reason. We’ve been arguing a lot lately, about a lot of things… but not just shit I did either.”

AJ raised his eyebrows at the way he said it. “Not just shit you did? Well, what’s she done?”

Nick scowled, thinking of Jamie. “Nothing really… I don’t think anyway. But she has that friend Jamie, right, the one that lives in Iowa?”

“The one that was at the hospital when you flew back Monday cause of her dad?”

“Yeah, that one,” Nick muttered grudgingly. “He’s always finding ways to interfere with us lately. He calls her at the worst times, and he’s been flying down to Tampa every couple of weeks for job interviews, so he’s been around when I’m not there, and I know Claire hangs out with him when he is. And it gets worse, cause he ended up getting a job there, so he’s moving back into town.”

Howie frowned. “Well, what’s the big deal about that? You think she’s cheating on you with him? I thought they were just friends.”

“What does that mean anyway, ‘just friends’?” Nick huffed. “Claire and I were ‘just friends’ too, and now look at us. Besides, they have a history – they dated in high school, remember?”

“That was a long time ago though… it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Do you really think she’d cheat on you?” Howie pressed.

Nick held out his hands helplessly and shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t think so… I’d like to believe she wouldn’t… but I don’t know. We had a huge-ass fight on Saturday cause she thinks I don’t trust her. Jamie’s the one I don’t trust, not her… I don’t trust that dude further than I could kick him… which isn’t far,” he added, patting his fake leg.

AJ chuckled. “Well, forget him; if she still wanted to be with him, I’m sure she wouldn’t be engaged to you. She loves you, kid; you got nothin’ to worry about.”

Howie smiled and nodded his agreement. Nick smiled back, but inside, he was still plagued by doubt.


“How do I know you’re not doing the same fucking thing to me now? Dating me to make Jamie jealous because you’ve decided you still love him and want him back?”

“If you have me all figured out, Nick, what are you doing still with me? If you think Tim was such an idiot for dating me for so long, why don’t you leave me?!”

“Is that what you want?”


Remembering the bitter argument they’d never really had a chance to resolve that morning, Nick slumped back against the cushions of AJ’s couch and pretended to study his hand of cards, hoping the guys were right. Tomorrow they would all get back into the studio to begin a stretch of two more weeks of work before they broke for Christmas and New Year’s, and the last thing Nick needed to do was worry about Claire.

***

As Nick settled back into his busy old routine back out in Los Angeles, Claire adjusted to her busy new schedule at home. She was working more hours than ever before, driving between her parents’ home in Gainesville and Nick’s house in Tampa two times a week, and still attempting to squeeze in time to visit Casey and hang out with Dianna and Laureen when she could. All in all, it was crazy and tiring, but in a way, she liked that. Working so much and filling her free time with friends and her family made those nights alone in Nick’s mansion less lonely and kept her from missing him or worrying about their relationship as much as she had been lately.

She knew, deep down, that staying busy was only a distraction from her problems and wasn’t going to do a thing to solve them, but for now, it worked. She simply didn’t have the energy to worry about her and Nick at the moment; there were too many other things to worry about. Her dad was not completely out of the woods yet, her mom was a frazzled bundle of nerves, Amber was reaching the end of her pregnancy, Casey was getting sicker, and all of this stress was taking its toll on her as well. She was moody without realizing it (and even when she did realize it, she could hardly control it), and she’d been having trouble sleeping. Nearly every night, she would wake up in the early hours of the morning, practically drenched in sweat from nightmares she could barely remember. The details and images left her mind as soon as she woke up, but the bad feelings lingered as evidence. Feelings of anger, annoyance, sadness, helplessness.

She hated feeling that way and attributed it all to stress and worry. Too many bad things had happened lately, and it was all starting to catch up to her. She should have known. For nine months or so, she had been so happy, for the most part. She and Nick had had their share of problems along the way, but for the most part, their relationship had been pleasant, easy, almost perfect. She should have known real life would get in the way. It always did, for her it seemed. It was such a cynical way of looking at things, and she hated being so negative, but in her experience, it was true.

I need a break, she thought as she drove down the interstate one evening, on her way back from Gainesville. Ahead of her, a large green road sign loomed; she squinted at it, waiting for it to come into focus. The stark white words on the sign clouded before her eyes – either the windshield was dusty, or a fog was setting in, she decided – but she read the notice that her exit for Tampa was coming up in another five miles. Below that, several other cities were listed. Bradenton… Sarasota… Fort Myers.

As the Tampa exit neared, she actually considered just passing on by and continuing on down the Floridian peninsula, driving until she felt like stopping, far away from all the issues plaguing her here.

But she didn’t do that. It was stupid and pointless. She’d only make people worry, not to mention get herself in trouble at her job, and for what? She’d be solving nothing.

Still, as she reluctantly took the familiar Tampa exit, she couldn’t help but think, I can’t keep doing this… Something needs to change.

***

The change she needed came two days later, when she traded a box perched on the bottom step of Nick’s staircase for a single piece of paper.

She carried the box out to the rusty old Toyota parked in the driveway, closing and locking the front door behind her. Into the front seat the box went, resting on the ripped upholstery beside her as she jammed her key into the ignition and revved the sputtering engine to life. She glanced up at the sprawling house through the windshield and felt a lump rise in her throat. Swallowing it with difficulty, she jerked the car into drive and moved her foot to the accelerator, slowly rounding the circular drive.

Her dominating thought as she gazed into the rearview mirror and watched the house fade behind her was, I’m a horrible person.

***

The very next day, a bright yellow cab came trundling up the very same driveway, rounding the circle drive and parking in front of the same house. The back door opened, and Nick stepped out, finding his balance before he reached back in and pulled out his backpack and duffel bag, slinging one over each shoulder. “Thanks again,” he called to the cab driver, giving him a brief wave as he walked up to his front door. He heard the taxi pull away behind him as he reached for the doorknob. It did not turn, and for a split second, he was surprised to find it locked.

Then he remembered – of course. Claire wasn’t home; she was in Gainesville. She’d called him yesterday to tell him she wouldn’t be there when he got back that morning – he assumed there had been some kind of scheduling mishap, leaving her stuck in Gainesville when she should have had the day off to spend in Tampa. But no worry. He’d assured her he would get himself home from the airport and be waiting for her when she got back.

He couldn’t wait to see her, of course, but a part of him was apprehensive. She had seemed distant on the phone, which had been happening a lot lately. He knew she had a lot on her mind, what with her dad and work and planning their wedding, but he wondered why she didn’t open up to him more about all that. That was what he was there for, wasn’t he? He should have been anyway; he was her fiancée.

Maybe, he thought to himself as he fished out his house keys, the problem is that you haven’t been here for her.

He sighed as he unlocked the door and walked inside; if that was the problem, what was he going to do? Give up his career, the thing that kept him apart from her? But he loved his career.

Then again, he loved Claire too.

How could he choose?

He tried not to think about it as he trudged across the foyer, the sound of his irregular footsteps magnified against the marble tiled floor. He didn’t want to have to choose. It wasn’t fair.

Standing at the base of the staircase, he paused and adjusted the weight of his bags, preparing himself for the trek up the stairs. He longed for the days when he could sprint up a flight of stairs without a second though, taking the steps two at a time in his carefree haste. It was not so simple anymore; even now, after well over a year of practice walking on his prosthetic leg, climbing stairs was still a small feat.

He had just raised his good leg to the first step when something near his foot caught his eye. Letting his duffel bag slide to the floor, he bent and picked up a folded piece of paper from the stair beneath his foot. His first thought was that it was just something Claire had dropped on her way up or down the stairs, but when he saw his name scrawled on the outside in her handwriting, he frowned. Instinctively, he dropped his backpack as well and lowered himself to sit on the stairs before he slowly unfolded the note.

His eyes roamed over her handwritten words, penned neatly in her familiar, rounded manuscript.


Nick,

I don’t know where to begin… then again, I don’t even know if you’ll ever read this, and in the long run, I guess it doesn’t really matter where I begin. The point is the same. Basically, that is this: I need a break. I think we need to take a break. A lot of stuff has been happening lately, both in and outside of our relationship, and I just can’t handle it all right now. Something’s gotta give, you know?

As you should know by now, I’m not here. What you need to know is that I’m not coming back… not for now anyway. I’m staying at my parents’ place in Gainesville for right now – that’s where I need to be. My dad needs me, and I need to get away for awhile, to think. I know I should have had plenty of time to think while you were gone, but I’m just really confused right now. I don’t know what I want, and I need some time by myself to figure that out before I rush into anything… like a marriage.

I know you’re probably confused as hell if you’re reading this, and I don’t blame you. So am I. I just don’t know what else to do, Nick. I’ve been questioning so many things lately… including you and me, as much as I hate to admit it. I love you so much, Nick; I hope you know that. But we have issues that go beyond just loving each other. We have two very different lives that just aren’t always very compatible with each other. You have your career and I have mine, and I don’t think either of us is ready to give that up yet. Not that I want you to, so don’t even think about it. Maybe someday I’ll feel differently about mine – that’s one of the things I need to think about. But for now, I’m just not ready. And I don’t think we can keep going the way we have been, not seeing each other, not knowing what the other one is up to…

I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you here, because I’m not trying to, honestly. I knew what you did for a living when I fell in love with you, I knew when we started dating,, I knew when I accepted your proposal. This should not have come as a surprise to me, and yet, I didn’t expect it to be this hard. But it’s not your fault. It’s me, not you.

So it’s come back to this – I want to take a break. I want to concentrate on spending time with my family and working for now, and I need to think long and hard about my priorities, about what I really want in my life. I think you should do the same thing.

I really don’t know what else to say. This is so hard. I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing by leaving you this note, but I don’t think I could say this to your face. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but that might be unavoidable because I know this is going to come as a shock. I’m so sorry, Nick. I hope that you can forgive me for doing this to you. Even if things change between us, I want you to know that I love you, and I always will. The friendship we have is special, and I don’t want to lose that. I just need some time. Please understand.

Give me a call if you want to talk.

Claire


He had to read the letter twice before the reality of it sunk in.

Claire was gone.

Not just out of the house, but gone… out of his life gone. She had left him!


When you come back, I won’t be here
She said and gently pulled me near
If you wanna talk, give me a call
And no it’s not your fault…


No! his mind screamed. She couldn’t have! Claire wouldn’t do that to me!


I was drifting in between
Like I was on the outside looking in


This had to be a joke, some sick prank. Yeah, real funny, Claire. Gripping the banister, he pulled himself up and climbed the stairs as fast as he could. He hurried into his bedroom, frantically praying he would find her there waiting for him, sprawled out in the center of his bed in the satin lingerie he’d given her over the summer, a smirk on her face.


In my dreams you are still here
Like you’ve always been


But the bed stood empty and perfectly made, its comforter smoothed flat over the sheets. She had certainly not been lying there.

He turned to the closet; the door was shut. He flung it open, holding back in case she came bursting out, giggling wildly as she launched herself into his arms. He may have been mad, but he knew he would forgive her then. How could he not?

But the closet was dark and still, and when he flipped on the light, all he saw were his clothes and shoes.

His clothes and shoes, lined neatly on one side of the spacious closet. The other side, which had once housed her belongings, was bare.

His heart skipped a beat at the sight of the empty hangers on the clothes bar, the shelves with nothing on them. He swallowed hard, afraid he was going to vomit.

No, he thought desperately, she wouldn’t…

He slammed the closet shut and limped to the bathroom, flinging open the cupboards and throwing back the shower doors. All of her toiletries, that sweet-smelling shampoo she always used and her girlie brands of body wash and even her jumbo-size bottle of sunscreen, were gone.

He raced back downstairs, his heart thudding in his ears as loudly as his feet pounding down the steps, and burst into his office. His stinging, watering eyes panned the bookshelves wildly, noticing all the empty spaces her novels had once occupied. Even her large scrapbook and the box of supplies she’d stored with it on the bottom shelf had been removed.

Oh God, he thought, his good knee trembling beneath his weight. She’s really gone…


Then my heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the lie to come true
Cause it’s all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn’t want you too


Feeling light-headed, he sunk to the floor and buried his face in his hands, his fingernails clawing at his scalp as he put his hands in his hair. With heaving, shuddering gasps, he lost it then, and the flood of emotions that had been rising the minute he’d begun reading her letter came pouring out in broken sobs until he felt empty inside.

When he’d had his release, he slumped backwards until he was lying in a heap in the middle of the floor, too drained and distraught to care how pathetic he looked. He lay that way for a long time, not thinking because he couldn’t, not feeling because he had gone numb.

Eventually, thought and feeling returned to him, though both were a whirling mass of confusion that he hardly had the energy to process right then. Why? he wondered vaguely. Why did she leave me?

Oh sure, she’d explained her reasons in the letter, but he didn’t understand. What was the real reason? Jamie? His blood pulsed with anger as the name popped into his head. He could barely think straight, didn’t have any logical reason for blaming Jamie, but he was the most convenient one to blame, so he blamed him just the same.


I gave myself away completely
But you just couldn’t see me
While I was sleeping in your bed
Cause someone else was on your mind
In your head


Somewhere deep inside him, there was anger at Claire too, but more than anything, he was just hurt. The hurt shadowed everything else, even his anger, and in the midst of his jumbled thoughts, the only clear notion was the one that he was really and truly alone.

He didn’t want to be.

Not moving from the floor, he crammed his cold hand into a pocket on his pants, his icy fingers fumbling with his cell phone. Holding the phone in front of his face, he pressed a button without hardly looking at it and moved the phone to his ear. Moments later, a deep voice rasped, “Bonedaddy at your service. ‘Sup, Nicky, you back?”

“J?” Nick’s voice cracked hoarsely.

“Yeah, Nick?” AJ asked, his voice instantly turning serious. “You okay??”

“No,” Nick choked out with difficulty, his throat feeling tight. “She left me, AJ... She’s gone.”


When I came back, she wasn’t there
Just a note left on the stairs
If you wanna talk, give me a call

My heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the lie to come true
Cause it’s all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn’t want you too

- “Siberia” by the Backstreet Boys


***