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Chapter 73

“What!?” AJ cried, his voice sharp in Nick’s ear. “Are you shittin’ me, Carter?? You mean… Claire?? She… she what?!”

Nick cleared his throat. “You heard me,” he managed to say. “She left. She moved all of her stuff out and left a note… a fucking note!”

“No… no fucking way!” exclaimed AJ. “Why would she do that?? She loves you!”

“Funny, she says that too… but if she loved me so goddamn much, why’d she fucking leave?!” Nick cried, his voice rising.

“She didn’t give a reason??”

“I… I dunno… She said she was confused, that she wasn’t ready to get married, that she needed some time to herself to think things through,” Nick said, his voice dropping to a low mumble as he mentally rehashed Claire’s letter.

“So this isn’t a permanent thing.”

“I don’t know, AJ – she moved all of her stuff out! No warning or anything… it’s just gone! It’s like she was never here…”

“Why would she do that?” AJ asked again, incredulous. “Why would she do it like that? Not even tell you in person… or, or at least over the phone, since you weren’t there…”

“Don’t ask me, I don’t have a fucking clue!” Nick ranted. “I told you she’d been acting weird lately! Didn’t I tell you that a couple weeks ago?? God, maybe I should have seen this coming… we’d been having problems… but still, I didn’t think…” He trailed off, shaking his head in confusion.

“So you haven’t talked to her?”

“No! I just got home and found out! I… I haven’t even had a chance to think…”

AJ was silent for a moment, before he responded quietly, “I’m sorry, Nick. Is… is there anything I can do, dude?”

“No,” Nick sighed. “I guess it’s between her and me. I should probably call her. She said to call if… if I wanted to talk.”

“If you wanna talk, give me a call…” AJ sang softly.

Nick frowned. “What??”

“Sorry… just thought it’d make a good song lyric,” AJ chuckled and then cut himself off sharply. “Sorry,” he apologized again.

“I don’t exactly feel like singing now, AJ,” Nick stewed, his frown deepening. “My fiancée just left me.”

“I know, Nick… I’m sorry, really. I think calling her is a good idea though, especially if she mentioned it. She’s probably expecting it. Maybe she just wanted to give you time to process everything first, and that’s why she wrote it in a letter. But who knows – even I don’t understand how chicks think half the time. They’re crazy sometimes, man; you know that.”

“I know, but Claire’s not like other women,” Nick protested, aware of the desperation creeping back into his voice. “She’s not like Leah or Mandy or any of them! At least I thought she wasn’t. I thought she was different… special. I thought I’d finally found the one.”

“Give her a chance to explain herself,” AJ said patiently. “Maybe she is the one, and you just need to wait awhile longer for her.”

“I don’t want to wait!” Nick exploded. “Life’s too short to wait! I think I know that better than any of you! And Claire knows it too, damn it! What’s she thinking?! We were supposed to get married!”

“Nick, man, you gotta calm down. You’re not gonna get her back talking like that – show some sensitivity. Something made her do this; she had to have had a reason. Call her up and find out what’s going through her head,” AJ advised wisely.

Nick sighed. “I will. I’m going to. I… I’m just afraid of what she’s gonna say.”

“Can’t be much worse than what she put in a letter basically telling you she was leaving you,” scoffed AJ. “Talk to her, dude. Call me back when you have and let me know what’s up. I’m here for you anytime, bro, you know that, right?”

“Sure. Thanks, J,” Nick murmured gratefully. “I’m gonna call her now.”

“Good luck, Nick.”

Nick sucked in a deep breath. “Thanks, AJ.”

***

Claire felt like throwing up the moment she heard her cell phone ring. The “Quit Playing Games” ringtone was still on it, and in her head, she could hear Nick’s voice singing, “I live my life… the way… to keep you coming back to me. Everything I do… is for you…”

“God,” she whispered, holding her breath as she picked up her phone with trembling fingers and checked the caller ID. Releasing the breath in a lengthy, shuddering whoosh, she punched a button and put the phone to her ear. “Hey.”

“Hey, girl.” Dianna’s normally perky voice was significantly sedated with sympathy. “How’s it going?”

Claire sighed. “Same. I’m just sitting here, waiting to see if he’s gonna call, wondering how much he’s gonna hate me… you know. He had to have made it home by now and seen…” She trailed off, then moaned, “God, I’m such a horrible person, Di.”

“Oh sweetie, no you’re not,” Dianna assured her kindly, although Claire didn’t believe her for an instant. She knew what she had done was truly terrible. She had packed up all of her things and moved out of her fiancee’s house, without warning. And she’d let him know it in a note… a note!

She knew it was a lame, cowardly thing to do, but she couldn’t fathom doing the alternatives. Calling him and telling him over the phone that she was leaving? Yeah, right. She could only imagine how that conversation would go. “Hi, Nick? Yeah, it’s me. I’m fine, thanks, but there’s something I need to tell you. Are you listening? Yeah, well… I’m leaving you.”

Or how about waiting to tell him on person? Yeah, maybe she should have been sitting outside his front door that morning, ready to hop up and greet him when he pulled into the driveway. “Hi, honey, welcome home! Well, to your home anyway… it’s not my home anymore, because I moved out two nights ago.” She wouldn’t have worded it so harshly, of course, but still… the look on his face… She couldn’t bear thinking of it.

Though she knew it wasn’t the best way to go about doing it, the note had seemed the least painful option at the time. He’d be able to read it in private and have time to brood over it, she reasoned. Wasn’t that what she had been looking for, time alone to think? Maybe he could use it too.

But she realized, deep down, that the real reason she’d opted for writing a letter was more selfish in nature. With a note, she could detach herself from the situation. She wouldn’t have to tell him in person and see his face when he realized what she was saying, or hear his tears as he broke down over the phone.

Maybe it won’t be that bad, she kept thinking. Maybe he’ll understand perfectly; maybe he’s been thinking the same thing all along.

But she knew it wasn’t so. Nick was going to be devastated, and she hated herself for causing him to be. He deserves better than that, she scolded herself fiercely. He deserves better than you. Nick needed a woman who could be one hundred percent committed to him and his life, his career. She could not be that woman, not right now anyway. She loved Nick dearly, so dearly that her heart felt as if it were being ripped out of her chest whenever she thought of the pain she was going to cause him. He was one of her best friends, and she loved him as much more than that too. But she knew she could no longer be more than that to him, at least not for now. Their lives were just too different, and she wasn’t ready to sacrifice hers. Marriage was about compromise, and she just couldn’t. Not now. There were too many other things going on in her life, and it wasn’t fair to Nick.

“Claire?” Dianna’s voice jarred her thoughts. “You still there, babe?”

“I’m here,” Claire answered miserably.

“Aww, Claire… I dunno, maybe it wasn’t the best way to go about doing it, but you can’t keep beating yourself up over it. You did it, it’s done, it’s over. What’s the worst that could happen now? He might be pissed off at you… but so? He probably would have been anyway; I mean, you did break up with him.”

Claire sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. She didn’t like to think of it that way, that she’d dumped him. She preferred to think they were taking a break, not breaking up. It wasn’t that she wanted their relationship to be over; she loved Nick, and she always would. She just wasn’t ready to marry him, to live the life of a Backstreet wife.

“Do you think I’m being selfish, Di?” she asked, that last point bringing this thought to her mind. “Because I won’t compromise… because I won’t give up my career to be with him, but I won’t sit around his house and wait for him anymore either? Is that selfish of me?”

“I don’t think so,” Dianna said firmly. “Your needs are important too. You can’t be the only one to compromise; he can’t expect that of you. He should be trying to compromise too.”

“Well, that’s the thing… his job isn’t exactly made for compromise. He’s a Backstreet Boy; he has to travel to record his music, he has to travel to promote his music, and he has to travel to tour. He’s going to be gone a lot, like it or not, and if I married him, it would be up to me to either come with him or get used to being without him. I’m not ready to uproot yet, but I hate that whole being with him, but without him thing… so I… I guess I’m just… not going to be with him…” She trailed off, her logic sounding rather shaky in her own head. Did that make sense?

“I know what you mean, girl,” said Dianna – okay, so hopefully it did make some sense. “Although if it were me, I’d ditch my lame-ass job in a heartbeat to go on tour with those guys.”

“I know,” Claire sighed. “Any girl would, right? Maybe Nick just needs to find one who will.”

“You want him to find someone else?” Dianna asked incredulously.

“I dunno,” muttered Claire. “I did just dump him, according to you, so why not? I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but… if this is it, I do want him to find someone else, someone who will love him and give him what he needs. He deserves that. He deserves to be happy. And I don’t know if he would have been happy with me… if we would have been happy together. We were… but things change. Maybe we just weren’t right for each other.”

“You are pretty different from each other,” admitted Dianna. “You know I never saw you dating some pop star. And no offense, girl, but he’s used to dating these elite, beautiful, perfect women, and you… well, you’re a regular gal, like me. You’re used to regular guys, like Jamie and Tim – although I’m not sure I’d call Tim ‘regular’…”

Claire chuckled. “I know what you mean. When I first met him, I never would have guessed we’d end up together, not in my wildest dreams.” She gave a rueful laugh, remembering how she’d expected him to be a stuck-up, obnoxious, arrogant prick. In fact, she’d talked to him that day in the chemo room mostly to get a feel for him, find out if he was or not. She’d been awed to discover that he wasn’t, which was perhaps what had attracted her to him in the first place. That and the fact that he was gorgeous. She didn’t normally go for blondes, but his eyes… oh, god, those eyes. She’d always had a weakness for blue ones.

Tears sprung unexpectedly to her own eyes as she thought wistfully of Nick and all the memories she had with him. All the good times, hanging out in the waiting room of the cancer clinic, or each other’s hospital rooms… She closed her eyes and laughed despite herself; my, they’d had an interesting run, hadn’t they?

“It was the cancer, you know,” she contemplated aloud. “Weird as that is, it’s what put us on the same level, gave us something in common. Isn’t that messed up?”

“A little,” Dianna confessed with an awkward giggle. “I guess it makes sense though… I mean, you guys were there for each other, right?”

“Yeah…” murmured Claire. “Yeah, we were.”

There was a pause. Then Dianna asked, “… What do you think he’s gonna do now that you’re not?”

Claire frowned, and a pang shot through her heart. But she never got the chance to answer, for at that moment, her cell phone beeped in her ear, signaling that she had another call. Her stomach flip-flopping, she pulled the phone away to check the screen – Nick’s name was flashing. “Oh God!” she exclaimed, jerking the phone back to her ear. “I gotta go, Di, he’s calling!”

“Good lu-“ Dianna’s voice was cut off when Claire punched a button, switching lines to answer Nick’s call.

Cupping her hand over the phone, she cleared her throat and tied to compose herself before she hesitantly lowered her hand and answered, “… Hello?”

***

Nick’s heart plunked right down into his stomach when he heard Claire’s voice on the other line, and all the words he’d prepared for her fled his mind. His mouth fell open, but for at least thirty seconds, he stood blankly, holding his breath, not knowing what to say.

“… Nick?” she asked after some time. “Are you there?”

“Y-yeah,” he exhaled finally. “I, uh… I got your note.” She didn’t reply. “So… so this is it, huh? Just like that?”

“It doesn’t have to be ‘it’. I just need some time, Nick,” Claire said quietly.

“How much time?”

“I don’t know.”

“Days? Weeks? Months? Years??”

“I don’t know, Nick.”

“Well, you don’t know much of anything, do you?” Nick asked sarcastically, beginning to grow annoyed. “I mean, what the fuck, Claire? I come home and find a note?? And all your stuff’s just gone? Like that? Do you realize how fucking lame that is, that you couldn’t even tell me to my face that you wanted out?!”

“I… I know… Nick,” she answered falteringly. “I should have waited; we should have talked about it, in person.”

“Gee, ya think?” he snapped and smiled with satisfaction at the dead silence that fell on her end. She’d hurt him; he didn’t mind causing her a bit of pain too.

“I’m sorry, Nick,” Claire finally whispered. “I know I wasn’t right in doing it the way I did… but I just hope you can understand and… and give me some time.”

But how much time? Nick wondered again. He didn’t ask this time though. “Okay,” he said, because it was the only thing he could think of to say. Other than “No, bitch, it’s over,” which… wasn’t going to happen. He was upset with her, true, but part of him still clung to the hope that she would come back to him. He wanted her back. He loved her, for God’s sake. He wasn’t going to be the one to end things.

“Okay?” she repeated, her voice lifting slightly.

“Well, yeah,” he said, as if it were obvious. “What choice do I have? You piss me off, Claire, but I love you, god damnit. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, so softly he could just barely hear her. “I’m sorry.”

Nick scowled and rolled his eyes. “Right. Call me when you know what you want.” Before she could reply, he tore the phone away from his ear and flipped it shut, ending the call. He tossed the phone down, letting it skid across the floor, and lay back down beside it, his hands tugging at his hair as he let out a shuddering breath.

He could not see the tears that were streaming down Claire’s face as she sat on her bed, clutching her phone, a hundred and fifty miles away.

***