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Chapter 75

Claire lingered over breakfast early the next morning. She was always up early these days, either because she had to work or because the previous night’s sleep had been so restless. Sometimes it was both; today, it was the latter. She wasn’t scheduled to work because she was supposed to be at home in Tampa, with Nick; yet here she was, sitting at her mother’s kitchen table in her parents’ house in Gainesville.

“Eat up,” her mother said as she passed the table, giving Claire a light swat on the shoulder. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know.”

“Ugh, Mom, please,” Claire groaned. Though she normally had no problem eating, she hadn’t had an appetite in days. Breaking off one’s engagement would do that to a person, she supposed.

“What? It is! And you need to eat. You haven’t had any energy lately.”

Claire rolled her eyes. “Gee, Mom, maybe that’s because I’ve been working two jobs and just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday,” she snapped.

Her mother stopped and offered her a sympathetic smile. “I know, honey,” she said. “I just want to make sure you’re staying healthy. You have been feeling alright, haven’t you? Physically, I mean.”

Clenching her teeth to keep from growling, Claire nodded stiffly. She knew her mother meant well and was just being a mom, concerned for her daughter, but the overprotective thing had been going on for years and years, and it was getting old. Let her worry about her dad’s health indeed for once. She was twenty-five now and well-aware of what symptoms to look for, should something relating to her leukemia flare up again.

That reminded her, Nick had his quarterly check-up that morning. It was the reason he had flown home from LA early. She felt a pang of guilt as she thought of him going in alone; for the last year or so, they had always accompanied each other to doctor’s appointments.

She sighed to herself, wondering just how long the thought of Nick was going to cause her to ache the way she did. If they didn’t get back together? Probably a long, long time. She realized she was inflicting this pain upon herself (and probably on him too), but she’d done what she felt she needed to do. Still, it didn’t make it hurt any less…

“Don’t sigh at me,” her mother scolded gently. “You know I can’t help but be concerned once in awhile. You’ve gone through a lot lately… I worry.”

Claire managed a smile. “I know, Mom. And I wasn’t sighing at you. I was just thinking about Nick. He has a doctor’s appointment today… and I’m not there. No one’s there for him.”

Her mother’s expression grew sympathetic once again. “Oh, Claire… are you sure you couldn’t have worked it out any other way? I know things were complicated between you two, but I also know how much you care for him, and I can tell how much he loves you too. He’s always been there for you.”

Almost always, she thought, but she didn’t say it. Her mom did not know about the night he’d run out on her and kissed another woman when the thing she’d needed most was simply his comfort… and she didn’t plan to tell her. That was between her and Nick… well, and Dianna and Jamie. No one else needed to know.

“When you were in the hospital two years ago…”

“I know, Mom,” she mumbled, her cheeks growing warm. Her mother had loved Nick from the day he’d hopped a flight from New York to come back to Tampa and be with her after her bone marrow transplant, when no one knew if she’d make it or not. “I love him, very much, but… like you said, it’s complicated.” She’d already poured her heart out to her mother the night she’d moved out of his house, explaining her reasoning through her tears, hoping for some reassurance that she hadn’t just made a horrible mistake.

Her mother nodded in understanding and opened her mouth to reply, but never got the chance. The phone rang, and she said, “Oh, let me get that,” and hurried over to pick up the wall phone. Claire turned back to her barely touched eggs, which were starting to turn rubbery. She gave them a poke with her fork, feeling rather like a picky six-year-old, and nearly jumped out of her chair when she heard her mother exclaim, “Oh!!” Claire looked up in surprise. “Oh my gosh! We’re on our way! Be there in a couple hours!” her mother spouted excitedly and hung up the phone.

Just as she did, it dawned on Claire what was going on. “Oh my God, was that Kyle?!” she asked, jumping up from her seat.

Her mother’s face was radiant. “Yes! Amber’s in labor; they’re at Tampa General right now!”

A rush of the kind of happiness Claire had not felt in weeks bubbled inside her, and she bounced eagerly on the balls of her feet, feeling like a kid on Christmas morning. Her brother and sister-in-law were having their baby; in a matter of hours, she’d be an aunt! “I’ll go get Dad!” she burst and hurried off to find him and tell him the good news.

***

Claire’s family was on its way to Tampa, their spirits high, when Nick awoke, his spirits very low. The events from the previous day, from Claire’s “Dear John” (Dear Nick?) letter to the girl from the club’s rejection, came pouring back to him all at once, like a vat of boiling water dumped right over his head. As if his head wasn’t hurting enough as it was. He didn’t think he’d had that much to drink last night – at least he’d felt pretty sober by the time he had driven himself home – but the effects of a mild hangover were unmistakable. He felt like shit, in every possible way.

Yesterday had been one of the worst days of his life (topped only by the day he’d lost his leg, the day he’d been diagnosed with cancer, the day AJ had gone to rehab, the day… well, come to think of it, he’d had a lot of pretty shitty days, but this was definitely one of them.) And today wasn’t starting out any better. One look at the date and time on his clock reminded them that he had an appointment in the oncology clinic that morning… which he’d forgotten about and was currently missing.

“Fuck,” he swore as he sat up, his shoulders slumping as he realized he was never going to get there in time. Not like he really wanted to, but he didn’t have a choice. His last missed appointment had resulted in him being rushed to the hospital for life-threatening lung surgery to remove a tumor that could have been caught months earlier. He wasn’t about to make that mistake again.

Dragging his hands down his face, he sighed in frustration. “I’ll just have to reschedule it,” he muttered and reached for his cell phone, knowing Kevin would be first in line to smack him if he let this one go.

***

Even as she sat playing the waiting game on the maternity floor of Tampa General Hospital, filled with anticipation at the thought of Kyle’s son or daughter being born right down the hall, Claire’s thoughts inevitably drifted back to Nick. He was probably there right now, in the same hospital, just three floors up, having his check-up. She hoped he was okay.

Nick’s tough, she assured herself. He’ll be fine.

Still, a part of her wanted to go upstairs and find out if he was there, maybe see him when he got out, just to make sure it was alright. It wasn’t like she would miss anything down here; from the way things sounded, it would still be hours before the baby was born. Quickly, though, she decided against it. It just wasn’t a good idea. If Nick was hurting, her showing up unexpectedly wasn’t going to make things any easier for him. He probably wouldn’t want to see her anyway.

She frowned; this was going to be tough. She still wanted a friendship with Nick, but she knew he wouldn’t go for that, at least not right away. He wouldn’t want her as his friend; he’d want his girlfriend back. And she wasn’t ready to go back to him, not like that. But you do miss him, she had to admit to herself. And it’s only been a day.

She sighed to herself; yes, this was going to be tough alright. But there was no turning back, no changing her mind, no going back to him – at least not for now. If she did, they’d be facing the same problems they had before she left, only it would be even worse because his trust in her would be completely shattered. It probably already had been. No, she couldn’t go back.

But you can still be a friend to him, she thought, whether he likes it or not.

“You okay, kiddo?” her dad asked suddenly, squeezing her knee.

Jarred from her thoughts, she turned to him and smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. “I just hate waiting; you know me.”

Her father smiled back. “I know. You always were impatient. Just think of what Kyle’s going through back there… I can’t even begin to tell you how nervous and antsy I was waiting for him to born – and it was the same way with you.”

She forced herself to laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure he’s wearing a hole in the floor pacing Amber’s room.” That’s what he’d been doing the whole time Claire was in the room at least, darting around the room like a hyperactive child. She was excited for him though; it was great to see her brother so pumped. He was going to make a great dad to this baby.

Her dad chuckled as well. “And I imagine your mom’s doing the same thing.” She had stayed behind while Claire and her dad retreated to a waiting room; she and Amber’s mother were both going to be there to witness the birth of their first grandchild.

“Probably so,” agreed Claire, not blaming her. She felt a little like pacing herself… right on up to the oncology floor. You can’t, she warned herself, but then she had a better idea. Digging a quarter out of her wallet, she stood and said, “I’ll be right back, Dad; I’m just gonna go make a phone call.”

She left the waiting room and walked around the corner, looking for the nearest pay phone. When she found one, she deposited her quarter and dialed Nick’s home number. The phone rang four times before his answering machine picked up; a lump rose in her throat as she listened to his familiar voice on the recording. She cleared it away just as the machine beeped and tried to keep her voice nonchalant as she left her message. “Um, hey, Nick, it’s me. I’m just calling cause I know you had an appointment this morning, and I wanted to make sure everything went well. Um… if I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume that everything is fine.” She paused, wondering what else she should say. Kyle and Amber’s baby came to mind, but maybe he wouldn’t want to hear about it. Maybe he wouldn’t want to hear from her at all.

After a long pause, she finally just finished, “Well, um… I guess that’s all. I’ll see ya.” Reluctantly ending the call, she dropped her phone back into her purse and leaned against the wall, biting her bottom lip. That was so awkward, she lamented inwardly, and the thought bothered her, for she had always felt comfortable around Nick.

It’s your fault though, she reminded herself. You did this. You made this choice.

She just hoped she wouldn’t live to regret it.

***

It took a lot for Nick to drag himself out of bed that morning, but finally, he did. Not even bothering to get dressed, he simply put on his prosthesis and wandered downstairs. He headed straight for the kitchen out of habit, only to realize he was not hungry halfway there. Changing his mind, he turned and headed into his office, intending to immerse himself in computer games and forget his real life existed.

He had just sat down at his desk and opened his laptop when the flashing light on his answering machine caught his eye, signaling that he had new messages. Automatically, he slapped at the button to play them and leaned back in his chair to listen. “You have… 4 new messages,” the automated answering machine voice told him and read off the time the first one had been left. It was from yesterday evening; Nick supposed he had been out already.

“Hey Nick, it’s Kev,” Kevin’s deep, mellow voice resonated from the machine. “I just heard about you and Claire and wanted to see if you were okay. We should talk, bro, so please call me when you get this, alright?” The message was short and simple, but Kevin’s tone of voice made it clear that he was concerned about his younger brother. Nick smiled a little, comforted by that thought, just as he had been talking to Laureen last night. It was nice to know everyone hadn’t abandoned him, the way Claire had.

“Nick, man, it’s Brian,” began the next message, and again, Nick smiled, recognizing Brian’s unmistakable drawl. “AJ told me what happened… I’m so sorry, bro. If there’s anything I can do or if you wanna talk or get together, give me a call, okay? I’m here for ya. Listen, I’ll try you again tomorrow if I don’t hear back from you tonight; I wanna hear how your doctor’s appointment went anyway. Talk to you later, bud.”

Nick cringed as the message ended, knowing Brian wasn’t going to be too happy to hear that he’d missed the appointment that morning. But oh well; he’d rescheduled it for the Monday after next, the earliest he could get in, so they couldn’t lecture him too much.

“Hey Nicky, it’s D,” Howie’s voice kicked in next, and Nick stifled a laugh; this was getting all too predictable. “Sorry I’m so late in calling, but I just found out what happened with Claire. I can’t believe this, man… I’m at a loss. I’ll be back in Orlando on Sunday, so we should definitely get together and hang out. If you wanna talk or anything before then, call me anytime. I’ll try you back before I leave town; hang in there, okay? Later, man.”

Nick heard the click of the phone as Howie hung up; then the message cut off. When the beep before the next message sounded, Nick figured he would hear AJ’s raspy voice next. He’d already talked to AJ twice the day before, but it only made sense. Anyway, who else would be calling?

His heart nearly stopped when he heard her voice.

“Um, hey, Nick, it’s me. I’m just calling cause I know you had an appointment this morning, and I wanted to make sure everything went well. Um… if I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume that everything is fine. … Well, um… I guess that’s all. I’ll see ya.”

The machine beeped one last time as the message ended. Swallowing hard, Nick hesitated only a second, then jammed his finger into the button next to the flashing one.

“Message deleted.”

***

Hours had passed, and Claire was growing more and more restless by the minute. She had been in and out of Amber’s hospital room all day and had watched her sister-in-law go from elated to downright cranky, as her labor progressed and the pain of contractions increased. It wouldn’t be long now…

Sitting in the waiting room with her father once again, Claire was bored out of her mind and had considered more than once going up to see Casey, but knowing her luck, they would decide it was time and rush Amber into the delivery room the minute she set foot on the elevator. There was no use chancing it at this point.

Just when she thought she couldn’t stand waiting any longer, her mother burst into the waiting room and announced, “This is it! They’re taking her down to delivery now!” Claire jumped from her seat, her breath catching in her throat. “I’m going with; I’ll be back as soon as we know,” her mom promised and ducked back out the door.

Behind her, Claire saw several orderlies wheel Amber past on a gurney. Kyle was right at her side, clutching her hand; he glanced up just as they passed the doorway and flashed Claire a quick thumbs up. She glimpsed the thousand-watt smile on his shining face, and then they were gone, the faint click-clack of the gurney wheels against the tiled floor fading as Amber was taken on down the hallway.

She turned to her father, her heart fluttering with excitement. “So,” she prompted, “Last chance to guess, Grandpa – what do you think it’s gonna be? Grandson or granddaughter?”

“Well… for Kyle and Amber’s sake, I’m hoping for a grandson. You girls sure know how to put your parents through hell, you know that?” he teased with a ribbing smile.

Claire rolled her eyes and elbowed him. “Jeez, you should talk, Dad. You know how to put a daughter through hell too,” she said, meeting his eyes.

One side of his mouth curled upward in a crooked smile, and he nodded, chuckling softly. Putting an arm around her, he pulled her near and placed a kiss on the top of her head. “Like father, like daughter,” he whispered gruffly into her ear.

Smiling, Claire leaned against him slightly, sighing deeply as she breathed in the comforting scent of his aftershave. A man set in his ways, he’d used the same brand ever since she was a kid. At least twenty years, maybe longer.

That would be Kyle someday, she realized. In another twenty years, he would be approaching her dad’s age, and this baby would be all grown up. He would be the father, putting his son or daughter through school, or at the very least, giving him or her advice as he/she entered the real world. It was weird to think about, her brother being a dad, being middle-aged. It made her feel... old.

She mentioned this to her dad, and he just laughed. “It makes you feel old? Think about me, kiddo, how old do you think it makes me feel? I’m gonna be a grandpa, for god’s sake – now that’s old!” Claire giggled, and he hugged her close again. “You’re still young, honey. Don’t feel like you’re stuck in some race against time to get things done; you don’t need to rush into anything. You’ve got decades to get through before you can call yourself old.”

Claire smiled and breathed in slowly. He was right, she reasoned. She was only twenty-five, and though she’d seen the face of death, she still had a lot of life left in her. There was no reason to believe she wouldn’t have a family of her own in twenty years, but she didn’t need to rush it. If it was meant to be, it would happen… when the time was right. And maybe, she thought, an image of Nick surfacing in her mind, that time just isn’t now.

That thought was still echoing in her head when her father grabbed her arm and scooted to the edge of his seat, perched as if ready to leap up at anytime. Perking up, Claire became aware of the sound of footsteps hurrying up the hall. She leaned forward in anticipation, then slowly stood up, waiting.

Seconds later, her mother glided through the doorway and held out her arms. “It’s a boy!!” she cried.

Claire felt a wide smile stretch across her face; a boy! she thought in excitement. She turned to her father, who was beaming. “You guessed right, Grandpa,” she told him with a wink.

He grinned at her, then turned his attention back to her mother. “So how’d she do, Grandma?” he asked her with a wink. “And what’d they name the little guy?”

“Kamden Michael,” answered a new voice, and Claire looked up eagerly to see her brother walk in, holding a tiny bundle in his arms. Gasping, she rushed over, tenderly peering into the powder blue receiving blanket to set eyes upon her newborn nephew.

He was red and funny-looking, with wrinkled skin and wisps of fine hair that clung to his scalp, still damp. But at the same time, he was beautiful, especially in the arms of her brother, who kept looking down at him as if he could scarcely believe his eyes. “He’s perfect,” she breathed and looked up, meeting Kyle’s eyes, which shone with pride.

“Thanks,” he replied huskily. “You wanna hold him, sis?”

He carefully passed the sleeping infant into Claire’s arms, and as she stood cradling the warm, cuddly bundle to her chest, she could only wonder, would she ever experience the joy of holding her own newborn this way, as a mother? Smiling wistfully, she admired Kamden’s pink face for a few moments before glancing up at Kyle, who was still standing next to her, looking down at his son with the same proud, doting, amazed expression.

For just an instant, as she set eyes upon her tall, broad-shouldered brother, she saw Nick.

Then she looked away, knowing it could never be.


If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go, but I know
I’ll think of you every step of the way

And I will always love you
I will always love you…

Bittersweet memories
That is all I’m taking with me
So goodbye, please don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you need

And I will always love you
I will always love you…

And I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love

And I will always love you...

- “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton / Whitney Houston


***