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Chapter 79

The Christmas season was one of Claire’s favorite times of year, and with the holiday itself only a few days away, Christmas cheer was at its peak. Yet even as her eyes traveled from the massive Christmas tree twinkling in the corner of her parents’ living room to the window, through which shone the colorful lights that outlined the rooftops of the houses across the street, Claire did not feel cheerful. It was the first time in her quarter-century of existence that she did not remember being excited for Christmas.

Even in years when the Christmas family photos showed her sporting a snowflake-patterned bandana or Santa hat because she was bald from chemo, Claire had looked forward to Christmas. The holiday had always brought her happiness and hope, especially when she’d needed it the most. But this year, it felt like a lost cause. Casey was dying, and she and Nick were over. With all that hanging over her, she found it next to impossible to get into the Christmas spirit.

She felt more like the Grinch than one of the Whos down in Who-ville, as she sat dutifully watching the old Dr. Seuss “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” cartoon in TV (in twenty-five years, she’d never missed that special). Just as the show cut to a commercial break, she heard her cell phone ring. She’d finally taken the “Quit Playing Games” ringtone off; now the opening motif to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” blared from her phone.

Hurrying to answer it, she saw Jamie’s name on the ID seconds before she picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey, Jamie. What’s up?”

“Eh, not much. What are you doing?”

“Watching ‘The Grinch’ on TV.”

“Heh. I remember watching that at your house, back in high school,” he said with a laugh. “Don’t think I’ve watched it since.”

“That’s a disgrace, Jamie. I never miss it. It’s a classic! You gotta turn it on.”

Jamie gave another short laugh. “Truth be told, I don’t really feel like watching Christmas specials. It’s a hard time of year, ya know? Hard to get into the spirit.”

She knew he was referring to his father, but it was as if he had struck just the right chord in her – she felt a certain harmony with him instantly. “I know exactly what you mean,” she replied empathetically.

Before she could continue, he said, “I heard about you and Nick. I’m sorry.”

He sounded sincere enough, but Claire wondered if he was secretly smirking on the other line, ‘I told you so!’ scrolling through his head. He’d always thought she and “The Backstreet Boy,” as he called Nick, made an odd couple, one that had little chance of lasting. They were too different, from opposite ends of the spectrum.

But we did make a good pair, she thought regrettably, a lump rising in her throat. She cleared it away quickly and told Jamie, “Thanks.”

“If you don’t mind my asking… what happened?”

Claire sighed. “I dunno… it’s complicated. Nothing actually went down; I just… I realized that maybe this wasn’t what I wanted. Marrying this superstar who’s never going to be around because he’s always working and touring and stuff. I don’t think it ever hit me until Nick went back to work what his career actually entailed. And once I knew… I just started doubting everything. I still love him, you know, but our lives aren’t really compatible. And maybe this sounds really selfish, but I wasn’t ready to give up my life for his. I mean, I still want to be in his life, but not…” She trailed off, wishing she knew how to explain exactly how she felt.

“Not ‘Backstreet Wife’,” Jamie finished for her. “You love him, but you’re not ready to handle all the baggage that goes along with being the bride of Nick Carter.” He said it as if he were talking about the bride of Frankenstein; nevertheless, he had her pegged.

“Yeah, exactly!” she replied emphatically. “If I marry him, I’m going to either have to drop everything in my life and tag across the country with him – eventually, even the world. And I know that probably doesn’t sound like a bad thing, and it would be awesome to get to see all these places I’ve never been… but at the same time, I couldn’t handle that being my life. I like to travel, but not all the time. Not for months on end. I need a place to call home. And someday, I’m gonna want children… and I’m gonna want them to have a home too. A stable home, where they can grow up and go to school and be regular kids. And with Nick, that’s just not gonna happen. Not now anyway.”

“I understand,” said Jamie. “I’d be the same way. I want my kids to have the same kind of life we had… you know, you grow up in your standard middle-class neighborhood, you go to school, you vacation at Disney World, you get a job at the Dairy Queen, you drive the old beater car your parents give you in high school, you go to college, and you enter the real world a normal, functional adult. It’s nothing that special, but look at us… we turned out alright, didn’t we?”

Claire laughed, and all of a sudden, she felt much happier for some reason. “Yeah! See, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I want too.”

“Well then, between you and me, I think you were right to end things with Nick. Believe me, I know how hard it is to break up with someone you love, but sometimes you have to. Better to find out now that it isn’t working than wait until after you’re married. Divorce isn’t pretty.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I just keep second-guessing myself, about everything. The last few weeks, I’d been wondering if I was right to stay with Nick; now I keep wondering if I was right to leave him. You have a good point, but I just worry that I made a mistake… a mistake I can’t take back. And it scares me, because I just keep thinking… what if he was the one? What if Nick really was who I was supposed to be with, and I just walked out on him?”

She cut herself off, letting the question linger in the air; she couldn’t believe she was telling Jamie these things. This was the kind of heart-to-heart she usually had with her mom, or Dianna, but never Jamie. It was still too weird to talk in detail about her love life to him.

Jamie was silent for a few seconds, and just when she was getting ready to apologize for going on about Nick, he said quietly, “I’ve wondered that myself.”

Something about the way he said it made her blush, and she couldn’t help but wonder…

No. No, he was just being Jamie… vague, mysterious, forever leaving her to guess what the heck was going on inside his head.

“Well, it… it just…” she fumbled, still blushing, “it makes me nervous because life’s too short, you know. I don’t want to spend the rest of it waiting for the right one to come along… and always wondering if he already came and I passed him up. I can’t afford to do that. I may only be twenty-five, but who knows what else life has in store for me. I want to have children, and if I’m going to try to have my own, it could take awhile… I don’t want to wait too long. But at the same time, I want my children to have a daddy.” She broke off again and sighed. “I’m sorry, I keep going on and on… this is what it sounds like in my head when I question myself about Nick.” She laughed awkwardly, hoping she hadn’t just talked him into a stupor.

But apparently she hadn’t, for he answered her promptly. "Nah, that’s okay. I know what you’re saying. Life is too short; I realized that last year, when my dad died.”

“I know how hard that has to be, going through another Christmas without him,” she said in a low voice. “It doesn’t get much easier, does it?”

“Not really,” he confessed. “I guess it’s a little better this Christmas; last year at this time, I think we were all still sort of in a state of shock. It didn’t feel real. But this year, it really feels like he’s gone.”

Filled with sympathy for what Jamie was going through, Claire listened as he slowly opened up to her about his father again, about how much he missed him, how he worried about his mother, who still seemed so lost without his father, and how afraid he was that she was going to fall apart again when he moved back to Tampa after New Year’s.

“The Grinch” ended, and they kept talking. Eventually, Claire found herself telling Jamie about Casey. “Nick’s being so great,” she said after awhile. “He’s giving Casey’s family the money to pay for a private nurse to come to his house so they can take him home.”

This news had come two days earlier, just a day after she’d run into Nick at the hospital. When Mrs. Brenner had told her what Nick was going to do for them, Claire had been overcome with emotion, most of it directed at Nick. He was so sweet, so generous, such a good person. If she’d seen him then, she wouldn’t have been able to resist throwing her arms around him and hugging him in gratitude. But she hadn’t seen him, and he hadn’t answered his phone when she’d tried to call. Still, she hoped he knew how much what he doing meant to Casey and his family. Casey would be able to spend Christmas at home… and, when the time came, die at home, rather than in an unfamiliar hospital room. At this point, when nothing more could be done to save his life, seemingly small alternatives like this made all the difference in the world.

“That’s really cool of him,” replied Jamie. “Must be nice to have the money to be able to do things like that for people without thinking twice about it.”

“Yeah. Nick’s a good guy, Jamie, he really is. I wish you two had hit it off better. You might have actually liked each other; he’s like you in a lot of ways, you know.”

Jamie chuckled doubtfully. All he said in response was, “I hope I didn’t give him too hard of a time. I was just trying to look out for ya, Clairie. You’ve been hurt before – by me, admittedly – and nowadays I just sort feel obligated to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You’re my girl, you know?”

Claire felt herself blushing again. “Well, thanks, Jamie. That’s… admirable of you,” she said awkwardly. “But Nick was never out to hurt me. He loved me. He might still love me. And that’s why, truthfully, I’m a lot more worried that I hurt him…”

***

It was “the most wonderful time of the year” to everyone else. To Nick, December 25 marked the culmination of what had been, literally, the worst month of his entire year. Casey had gone home to die… Claire had gone home to get away from Nick… and Nick had gone home with Brian and Kevin, to spend Christmas with their families in Kentucky, because his own family was too dysfunctional to tolerate.

His mother had called to invite him for the holiday, of course… and Aaron had called him back when he’d refused the first time… but he’d lied and convinced them he had other plans. They thought he was spending Christmas with Claire’s family, his future in-laws. They didn’t know he and Claire weren’t getting married. They’d find out soon enough, once the press found out. Another failed celebrity marriage – over before it had even begun.

Gazing across the festively-decorated living room of Harold and Jackie’s Lexington home, Nick watched enviously as Brian and Leighanne knelt on the rug with Baylee, helping him put together a new puzzle his grandparents had given him. Just a few feet away, Kevin and Kristin sat cozily snuggled together in front of the fire. How did they do it? Nick wondered. He kept pondering the question as he drained his glass of eggnog with a grimace. Brian and Kevin had both managed to find women who loved them, who were devoted to them, who understood what their careers required, and who stayed with them anyway. Why couldn’t he do that?

It ain’t gonna be any easier to do now, he thought as he rose with difficulty, wobbling a bit on his artificial leg as he took off for the kitchen to refill his glass. He didn’t even like eggnog, but it was the only alcohol the Littrells were serving, and he desperately needed the buzz. He usually enjoyed spending Christmas with Brian and Kevin’s relatives and feeling like he was part of a big, close-knit, normal family, but this year, being around all of these happily-married couples was sort of a downer.

In the kitchen, he found Brian’s parents standing side by side at the counter, rinsing off the dishes from Christmas dinner. Great… old married couple, he thought, swallowing hard. They were almost harder to face, but only because they had what he had hoped to have with Claire.

“Can I get you somethin’, Nick darlin’?” Jackie Littrell asked in her sweet Southern lilt, smiling over her shoulder at him as she reached to shut off the faucet.

Nick smiled back. “No thanks, Jackie, I got this,” he replied, ladling more of the thick, foamy eggnog into his glass. “This is great, by the way; have I told you that?” He took a long swallow and wiped the froth from his lips. “Excellent.”

“You did tell me, hon, but thank you – again. The cook never tires of being complimented,” Jackie smiled pleasantly. Nick missed the worry in her eyes as she exchanged glances with her husband.

“Well, you’re welcome, Jackie. You’re an awesome cook. The best,” Nick stressed as he took his drink and meandered back into the living room, stumbling a bit on the threshold.

“Nick! Nick, look!” a tiny voice shouted as Nick came into the living room, and he looked over to see his godson pointing at his finished puzzle, a proud grin on his face.

“Heeey, you finished it!” Nick exclaimed, making his way over to Baylee. He leaned down to inspect the puzzle, not noticing the uncertain look Leighanne shot Brian over his head. “Looks good, kiddo,” said Nick, ruffling Baylee’s head of blonde curls. “Looks real good.”

“What we gonna do now?” asked Baylee, bouncing restlessly, his wide blue eyes shining up at Nick.

“Well, what do you say we take that new jeep Santa gave you out for a spin?” suggested Nick, remembering Baylee’s most exciting gift from that morning – the shiny new battery-powered Hot Wheels jeep “Santa Claus” had left in the driveway with a big red bow on top. He’d always wanted one of those things when he was a kid, but his parents had never had enough money.

Baylee’s eyes lit up at the mention of the jeep. “I wanna dwive!” he shouted, jumping up and racing to the front door.

“Baylee, wait a minute!” Brian called, but Nick interrupted him.

“Hey, don’t worry, I’ll go out with him,” he said, motioning for Brian to stay where he was as he hurried after Baylee. Living vicariously through his best friend’s three-year-old son? Now that was the way to do it.

As soon as he saw Nick coming, Baylee tore open the front door and leapt out, running at top-speed to his jeep. Nick followed, helping Baylee get the tiny door open and climb in. He was just leaning over to attempt to figure out how to turn the thing on when Brian’s voice called, “Baylee!” Nick turned to find Brian standing on the front porch, holding Baylee’s winter coat out. “Come put on your coat, buddy! It’s cold out here!” Baylee obediently jumped back out of the jeep and scrambled up to meet his daddy, who was cocking his head at Nick as if to say, ‘Hello? You let him go outside in the middle of winter without a coat?’

Nick shrugged sheepishly; funny, he hadn’t even noticed the cold. In fact, he felt sort of hot; the Littrells’ house was a little stuffy.

Brian followed Baylee back to the jeep. As his son climbed back in and bounced excitedly in the driver’s seat, he leaned close to Nick. “Exactly how much eggnog have you had?” he asked in a low voice, raising his eyebrow as he frowned at Nick.

Nick scowled. “What are you talking about, man? It’s freaking eggnog!” he hissed back.

“I know. And you must have really been knocking ‘em back, cause I know a drunk Nick when I see one.”

Brian offered him a tight smile, but Nick could tell he wasn’t amused. He rolled his eyes, but swallowed the retort on his tongue. This was Brian’s parents’ house, he reminded himself, Brian and Kevin’s family Christmas. He didn’t really want to make them regret including him in it. “Sorry,” he muttered, feeling his cheeks redden in embarrassment. “I’m done, I promise. I… I’m just gonna go back inside; it is kinda cold out here,” he added as an afterthought, though it was a lie.

“Nick, wait-” Brian started as Nick hurried past him, heading for the door.

But it was Kevin who corralled him on the porch. “Let’s sit down a minute,” he muttered in Nick’s ear, sinking down to the top step and patting the bare concrete beside him. Nick reluctantly lowered himself down beside Kevin, his cheeks heating up even more. Why did he get the feeling he was in for a Kevin lecture?

“Kevin, Nick, do you see me??” Baylee yelled, waving from his jeep.

Kevin and Nick both smiled and waved back; “Lookin’ good, kiddo!” Kevin called back. Then he turned to Nick. “Aunt Jackie sure makes good eggnog, huh?” he asked, raising one of his monstrous eyebrows as a mischievous little smirk crossed his face.

Nick shot him a nasty look. “Yeah, yeah, I knew that was coming. Look, I’m not drunk; I’m just a little… tipsy?”

Kevin clamped a hand down on Nick’s shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. “And how often have you been getting ‘just a little tipsy’ since Claire left?” he asked bluntly.

Nick’s stomach lurched; he glowered at Kevin for making it do that. And for asking a perfectly legitimate question that he did not want to answer. “I dunno,” he muttered dumbly, knowing that was the wrong thing to say.

Sure enough, Kevin sighed. Oh yeah, a Kevin lecture was coming. “Nick… I know you’ve been goin’ through a real tough time these last couple of weeks, and I know the holidays have probably just made it harder, but… don’t resort to alcohol to make yourself feel better. It’s not gonna solve anything, and in the end, it’ll just make it worse.”

“What are you talking about?” Nick scoffed. “It’s Christmas, dude! I’m not allowed to have a little eggnog to celebrate Christmas?”

Kevin gave him a stern look. “I know you, Nick. I know what your drinking habits are like. You drink when you want to escape. It’s something a lot of people do, and it’s not good. Don’t forget AJ.”

Nick frowned; like he could ever forget what had happened to AJ, that horrible night when Kevin had beaten his door down and told him he was dead to him because of his out of control drinking and drug use. “What are you saying, Kevin? You think I’m a drunk?? I’m not gonna turn out like AJ did; I’m not stupid enough to repeat his mistakes!!”

“I know you’re not,” Kevin replied quickly. “And thank you for saying that. Look, I don’t wanna lecture you; we’re just worried about you. Brian and I… well, all of us really. I know how much Claire meant to you… I know how devastated you are. It’s gonna take some time to move on from this; all I’m saying is, don’t resort to drinking to help you do that, cause it won’t work.”

Nick sighed, his anger fading as he realized Kevin was just being honest. “I know that, Kev. It’s just… this time of the year – it’s just hard.”

Kevin slung an arm around him and nodded. “I know it is. I always miss my dad more around the holidays… and it’s been fourteen years now. I know it’s not the same; Claire’s not gone in that way, but… you see what I’m saying, right? The pain is still fresh… of course you’re going to have a hard time.”

Nick nodded despondently. “It’s not just her,” he confessed after a moment. “There’s also this kid I know… his name’s Casey; I met him through Claire. He’s only eleven, Kev, and he’s… dying. Of cancer.”

For a moment, Kevin looked stricken. His face whitened, and he shook his head slowly. “Oh, Nick… I’m sorry,” he murmured. “Is there anything we can do?”

Nick shook his head. “No,” was his dull reply.

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said again. He was silent for a moment after that… and then he blurted, “I hate this. I hate this… disease. It took my father… it’s taking your friend... it almost took you…” He looked over at Nick, and Nick saw that his nostrils were flared with anger. “I’ll never forget the fear I felt around this time last year, when you were in the hospital, Nick… or how horrible it was watching you go through chemo… and rehabilitation… all of that. I look at you today, and I’m grateful because you’re alive and healthy again. And I’m so proud of you for coming as far as you have. You’ve overcome so much, Nick… you’ve worked so hard to get your life back together. Please, promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

Nick blinked, momentarily stunned by Kevin’s heartfelt honesty. “I-I will,” he stammered, almost guiltily; after hearing that, how could he not promise to take care of himself? “Of course I will.”

Kevin gave him a tight-lipped smile, looking almost misty-eyed. “You better. You’ve put us through enough worry already, kid.” Nick smiled awkwardly, and Kevin squeezed his shoulder. “And as far as Claire goes… remember this: The love of my life once broke up with me too… and six years later, I married her.” He grinned widely now, love for his wife Kristin brightening his sad eyes. “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If she’s the one… she’ll come back.”

Nick managed a smile. “Thanks, Kev,” he whispered.

Though his Christmas buzz faded, just as the batteries in Baylee’s new jeep quickly drained, his older brother’s words that afternoon never left Nick. He would remember them months, even years, from then… whenever Claire entered his mind.

“If she’s the one… she’ll come back.”

***