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Chapter 83

AN: This one goes out to MT, for her honesty. :)


The month that followed Casey’s burial was a difficult one for Nick. Despite their vows to call each other if they “needed to talk,” he and Claire hardly kept in touch after he flew back to Los Angeles the day after the funeral. In a month’s time, he only heard from her once, when she called on the 28th to wish him a happy birthday. The call didn’t last long; it was mostly awkward small talk, as was the case when his mother called for the same reason. She’d asked if he wanted to do anything special, but he’d turned her down, promising to get over to her house to see his brother and sisters the following week. He’d spent his twenty-sixth birthday with his true family – Brian, AJ, Howie, and Kevin.

They were still hard at work in the studio, recording song after song for possible tracks on the new album. The album was about the only thing in Nick’s life that seemed to be going right, the only thing he looked forward to. He liked the new material – it was more mature than anything they’d done before. The songs were mostly ballads and mid-tempos, having to do with everything in the spectrum of love, loss, and life. As he sat in a small recording booth, laying down his solos and harmonies, he envisioned himself belting them out on stage instead, bathed in the soft rays of a single spotlight, surrounded by an intimate crowd of fans whose glowing faces smiled up at him from the first few rows of the house in total adoration.

God, he missed touring. The last tour he’d done had been for his solo record, over three years ago, and he hadn’t toured properly with the group since Black & Blue. They hadn’t been able to do a tour for their last album, but by God, they would for this one. Nick needed it. He needed to be back on stage, back in touch with the fans who had supported him through a tough three years, waiting with commendable patience for his return. But most of all, he needed to get away.

He’d been glad to leave Tampa – there were too many memories there, of Claire and now Casey. But LA wasn’t much better. He was fine when he was with the guys, working in the studio or just hanging out and goofing off. But when he was by himself, the loneliness set in, and he missed Claire more than ever. He missed just being able to pick up the phone and call her when he was bored, without feeling awkward. He missed looking forward to traveling home for a weekend to be with her, or flying her out to meet him. He missed her jokes and her hugs, her mere presence and the way he felt when he was in it.

Nights were the worst, for it was then that he was haunted by images of her face and disturbing dreams. His nightmares lately had been recurrent ones about his cancer coming back (or worse, Claire’s) or flashbacks to all his worst memories from the last three years – seeing her in the hospital… losing his leg… being taken in for his lung surgery…. He always awoke bathed in a cold sweat, his chest tight and his phantom leg throbbing as it had before the amputation. It always took him a few moments to get his bearings and remember. He was okay now… Claire was gone, but otherwise fine too… and oh yeah, half his leg wasn’t there anymore.

But the hardest day yet, by far, was today. It was exactly one month after Casey’s funeral, one month since he had last seen Claire. It was February 14.

Valentine’s Day.

Nick’s opinion of Hallmark’s and Hershey’s favorite holiday seemed to alternate each year. Last year, he’d been all about the Valentine’s Day – he’d taken Claire out for a catered dinner on his boat, then brought her back to his place for a late night marathon of cheesy romantic comedies that they could make fun of together. Two years previously, he’d done the fancy dinner thing with Leah. But the Valentine’s Day in between those two had been the night Claire stormed out of Leonardi’s after he so ineloquently told her he had feelings for her. And this year, she was out of his life for good… oh, except for that call on his birthday. Because they were still friends, weren’t they?

Yeah right, Nick thought bitterly. He wanted to be Claire’s friend, but things were still too awkward. How could they be expected to just slide right back into “just friends” mode when not even three months ago, they’d been making love and planning to marry each other? Never mind the fact that Nick still wanted to make love to her and marry her. Friends were great, but he’d loved Claire as more than a friend for two full years now. Vivid as many of his memories were, he could barely remember what it was like to feel nothing but friendship towards her. And he was well aware of the fact that he was still too hung up on her to even think about moving on to someone else yet, so he’d resigned himself to spending Valentine’s Day 2006 alone.

The guys had been as supportive as they could all day, although it was difficult for them. Brian and Kevin both had good marriages, and AJ and Mary showed no signs of a split anytime soon. Howie was the only other single one, but unlike Nick, he had not just come out of a serious relationship and was all for going out on the town that night. “There’ll be lots of singles out at the clubs and bars; we should go check them out,” he’d told Nick with enthusiasm (after Nick had flat out refused going to any celebrity events in Hollywood). “You never know, Nicky; you just might meet someone special.”

“I’m not ready to meet anyone,” Nick had muttered in response, blowing him off again. “Women are crazy, man. I just wanna be alone.” But of course he didn’t. He wanted to be with Claire, be with her the way he used to be.

The guys, of course, all knew this, and Howie had given up on the begging surprisingly early. Their women appeared to take pity on Nick; over the course of the day, they all stopped by the studio with food for all five of the guys. Kristin dropped by in the morning with donuts (Nick may have been down on Valentine’s Day this year, but he had no problem sinking his teeth into a long john with pink frosting and red heart-shaped sprinkles), and around lunchtime, Mary brought over a pile of gourmet sandwiches from the deli at which she worked in Hollywood.

“So how are you, Nick?” she asked, plopping down beside him after her lips had finished greeting AJ.

“Eh,” Nick muttered vaguely, shrugging as he picked up his sandwich and took a huge bite. He chewed slowly and thickly, thinking maybe a full mouth would get him out of having to talk about how much his Valentine’s Day was going to suck.

Mary rested her hand lightly on his shoulder. “I know today has to be hard for you. I’ve suffered through the post-breakup Valentine’s Day before… it sucks.”

Still chewing, Nick nodded in agreement.

“I don’t know if it’s my place to tell you this, but I think I’ve known you long enough now that I can be honest with you, so that’s what I’m going to do.” Mary cleared her throat, while Nick looked over at her, waiting guardedly to hear what she had to say. “Honestly, Nick? I think you’re better off without her. Don’t get me wrong; I liked Claire. But I definitely saw her in a different light. To me, she seemed like a strong woman, someone who had used her own hardships to make her stronger and been there for you during yours. From the moment I met you both, I always admired her for that. But once I heard what she did to you, I saw that my impression of her was all wrong. Claire’s a weenie! Just moving out of your house without any warning and leaving you a note like that? That is so lame!!” Mary exclaimed heatedly. “She could have at least had the guts to talk to you about it in person first.”

Nick had taken another bite of his sandwich and was chewing it as thoroughly as he could to avoid having to reply. Though he secretly agreed with most of what Mary had just said, he couldn’t badmouth Claire to her. He was hurt by what she’d done to him, but Claire… she’d had a lot going on. He remembered what she’d told him the day of Casey’s funeral.

“… I’m a mess lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but everything is getting me all emotional, and it makes me overreact. What I did to you… the way I did it… was wrong. I-I don’t know what I was thinking. There’s just been so much shit going on… all this stress… I-I just felt like I needed out, right then. I know I hurt you, and I’m sor-“

“I’m sorry,” Mary said quickly, when Nick didn’t respond to her. “I hope I didn’t offend you or anything. I’ve just never been a fan of wimpy women, so what Claire did to you has been grating me around the edges. I just had to get it out.” She offered him an awkward smile, which he returned, after swallowing, hoping he didn’t have lettuce in his teeth.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly. “You didn’t offend me. I’d just rather not talk about it, honestly. It’s… it’s complicated.”

It was complicated because Mary was right – the way Claire had ended their relationship wasn’t in character. Leaving a “Dear John” note just wasn’t her style. The Claire he’d known, the Claire he’d fallen in love with, the strong woman Mary had described, would not have broken up with him in a letter. She would have just talked to him, openly, about what was going on in her head – they’d always been able to talk about anything together.

But things had been different the last few weeks they were together. Lying about spending the night in Jamie’s hotel room… claiming she was too tired to make love to him… crying over burnt turkey – none of that was ‘Claire.’ This “wimpy” version of her both confused and concerned him. She’d been under a lot of stress, sure, and it had inevitably taken its toll on her, but he wondered if there was something more than that, something going on with her that he didn’t know about. Even now, he worried about her, but he’d stayed out of her business, trying to give her space and time. That was something they both needed.


I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness I had inside me

But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause I’m the only one who understands me

What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect
Now we’re lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside, I wonder
Did I lose my only…


***

When Mary left to go back to work, the guys finished their lunch and returned to the recording booths. They were interrupted a couple of hours later when Leighanne turned up, Baylee in tow, with milkshakes for all of them. “I was out shopping with Baylee, and we decided to stop and get ice cream,” she explained in her melodic Georgia drawl, handing out the melting shakes. “Thought you boys could use something sweet this afternoon.” She gave Nick an extra smile along with his cup, which he dutifully returned, knowing she just felt sorry for him, yet appreciating the gesture anyway.

“So Nick, do you have any plans for tonight?” Leighanne asked.

Howie looked up hopefully, but Nick shook his head. “Nah, I’m not doing anything.”

“Well, in that case… I know of a curly-haired, blonde cutie who would love to spend the evening with you…”

God, Leigh, you are not trying to set me up with someone, Nick thought, and then he saw her eyes shift to Baylee, who was sitting with Brian, happily making a mess of his little dish of ice cream. Curly-haired? Check. Blonde? Check. Cutie? Absolutely. Oh. Nick got it now.

“Our sitter for tonight cancelled,” Leighanne explained quickly. “Any chance you’d want to stay with Baylee for a few hours while Bri and I go out? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course; I just thought maybe-“

“Nah, it’s cool. I’ll do it,” Nick replied, flashing her a brief smile before looking over at Baylee. “We’ll have a guys night in, right kiddo? D, you wanna join us?”

For some reason, Howie didn’t look too excited by the idea of a “guys’ night” with Nick and a three-year-old. “Eh, thanks, Nicky, but I’ll pass tonight. I’m sure you and Bay will have plenty of fun with just the two of you.” He winked at Nick, who stuck his tongue out in return.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Brian and Leighanne exchange glances, which made him wonder if they hadn’t planned this. Pretend they were in a jam and get Nick to agree to watch their kid for the night? That would keep him from swinging by a liquor store on the way back to Howie’s and spend the night drinking alone as he wallowed in self-pity… which very well may have been what he would have done. But he didn’t mind babysitting Baylee. He could put in a frozen pizza, pop some popcorn, stick in a cartoon movie, and they’d be set for the night. If Baylee was his usual energetic self, the movie probably wouldn’t get watched, but at least Nick would be too busy chasing the toddler around the house to think about Claire.

Not a bad plan at all.

***

“And here are the emergency numbers…” Leighanne was saying, showing Nick a long, neatly-typed list that hung on the refrigerator. “… my cell, Brian’s cell, our neighbors’ home phones, my parents’ number – they’re in Georgia, so don’t call them if you need someone close by, Brian’s parents – ditto, the L.A.P.D., poison control, the pediatrician, the home security company…”

“Baby,” said Brian, trying not to laugh as he walked into the kitchen, his tie draped loosely around his neck. “I think Nick’s got it.” He flashed Nick a long-suffering look behind Leighanne’s back. Nick’s smirk quickly turned into what he hoped was an attentive smile when Leighanne turned to look at him.

“Your list is really organized; I should have no problems,” he said, telling her what she wanted to hear.

She smiled. “I know you won’t. This is just in case. And of course, it something major does happen, God forbid, you should just dial 9-1-1 first.”

Nick nodded, trying to keep that smirk from coming back. What, did she think he was three himself? “Right. Thanks, Leigh.”

“We shouldn’t be out too late,” Leighanne continued her spiel as she walked up to Brian to tie his tie. “We’ll probably be back by ten or so, don’t you think, baby?”

“Something like that,” Brian replied, shrugging at Nick.

“It’s fine, whenever,” said Nick.

“Baylee should go to bed around nine. And don’t let him have too many of those Valentine cookies on the counter, or you’ll never get him to sleep.”

Nick nodded, eyeing the cookies himself. “Okay. Bed at nine… not too many cookies. Got it.”

“And I think that about covers it!” Leighanne smiled. “Any questions?”

“Um… I don’t think so.”

“Great. We’ll see you later then. Call if you need anything. I’m just going to go kiss Baylee goodbye, and then we’ll take off.” As Leighanne wandered into the living room to find Baylee, Brian clapped Nick on the shoulder.

“Thanks again for helping us out, man,” he said.

Nick smiled wryly. “No prob, Bri. Glad to do it.”

But when he followed Brian into the living room and found Baylee in a fit of screaming sobs, crying “Don’t go, Mama!” as he wrapped himself around Leighanne’s legs in a desperate attempt to keep her from walking away, Nick wondered if he’d spoken too soon.

***

“Shhh, it’s okay… don’t cry, baby… it’s okay…” Claire spoke soothingly to Kamden as she rocked him gently back and forth, but still the infant in her arms screamed. She sighed to herself. She’d been babysitting all night – she had drips of formula on the front of her shirt, spit-up stains down the back, and she smelled like baby powder. This was some way to spend Valentine’s Day.

And she had chosen it. Just like on New Year’s Eve, she’d volunteered to stay with her two-month-old nephew while her brother took his wife out. “Are you sure, Claire?” Kyle had asked her over and over. “I don’t want to cramp your style. We can find a babysitter, you know; there’s a couple of high school girls down the street that might-“

“-Have a date for Valentine’s Day?” Claire had finished for him, laughing. “Come on, Kyle, high school girls? They live for Valentine’s Day. And if they don’t have dates, I’m sure they’re planning to go out with their girlfriends and bitch about not having dates. I’ll come watch Kam – no problem. I don’t have plans.”

“Not even plans to go out and bitch with your girlfriends?” Kyle teased her.

“Nope, cause all my girlfriends have boyfriends and therefore have plans.” Bitter? No… no way. Well, maybe a little. She’d never been the type to stress out about whether or not she was going to have a date for Valentine’s Day, not even in high school. But after the romantic one Nick had taken her on last year, she had to admit, the upcoming holiday seemed a little depressing this year. (Your fault, she reminded herself yet again.)

It didn’t help matters that Dianna had been gushing all week about the mystery date her boyfriend Todd had supposedly been planning for her, or that doofus Dr. Tim had actually called her after work the week before to ask what she thought Laureen might like. She’d played the role of the helpful female friend well, suggesting to him that since Laureen loved music, maybe he should take her to a concert. Laureen had come bouncing up to her at lunch that day with two symphony tickets in her hand. “I know he’s Tim,” she’d sighed, “but come on, the symphony? On Valentine’s Day? How classy and romantic and sweet is that? I can’t break his heart.” So whereas Laureen thought Claire had broken up with Nick too soon, she still hadn’t worked up the nerve to break up with Tim.

As it turned out, even Jamie had a date that night, with some woman named Sarah. That actually relieved her more than upset her, for even though it meant she was now the only one among her group of friends doomed to be home alone on Valentine’s Day, it also meant she and Jamie had no excuse to hang out together that night, for lack of anything better to do. If he’d been dateless that night too, she was sure he would have suggested it, and she probably would have accepted. Why not? If they were the only two single people in their overlapping social circles, they might as well keep each other company that night. Logically, it made sense. Emotionally… eh. Spending Valentine’s Day with Jamie would have just been too weird, under the circumstances. Former flames… her recently single… him a huge flirt? It just… didn’t feel right.

Luckily, she didn’t have to worry about it. Jamie already had plans, and she had none, except… babysitting.

“Well fine, if you’re that desperate to be with a guy on Valentine’s Day, looks like Kam’s your man,” her brother had said. “Be over here at six?”

And so, she’d been at Kyle’s since six, watching Kamden. She’d given the baby his bottle, burped him, and changed his diaper. And now, she figured he must be getting sleepy. “Come on, buddy. How about a change of scenery?” Cradling her nephew to her chest, she walked him slowly down the hall and into his room.

Kyle and Amber had decorated the nursery in soft shades of cream and ivory, with accents of powder blue. Claire walked across it, heading straight for the wooden rocking chair under the window, next to a small set of bookshelves. Easing down into the rocking chair, Claire adjusted Kamden, whose sobs had died down into soft hiccups, in her lap so that his head was in the crook of her arm.

With her free hand, she reached for the book that was lying on top of the shelves. She opened it and set it in her lap, tilting it so that the pictures were in the baby’s line of sight. The she realized she could barely make out the words with the book that far away. They seemed to blur and fade right into the pictures in the backdrop, and even when she squinted, she could not make the letters clear. Sighing, she brought the book closer; one of these days, she was going to have to make an appointment with an eye doctor.

Holding the book up so that both she and Kamden could see it, she began to read softly. “In the great green room… there was a telephone… and a red balloon… and a picture of… the cow jumping over the moon…”

Kamden stopped hiccupping as she read on, accenting all of the rhyming words, and soon she felt his warm little body relax against her. “Goodnight room… goodnight moon… goodnight cow jumping over the moon…” she murmured.

By the time she reached the last few lines, she could hear the baby’s soft, steady breathing – he was sound asleep. “Goodnight stars,” she whispered, “goodnight air… goodnight noises everywhere.”

Careful not to jostle Kamden, she let the picture book fall shut and set it down on the top of the bookcase. Then she rose, slowly, and carried the sleeping infant over to his wooden crib. She lowered him carefully down into it, placing him on his back on the soft crib bedding, which was printed with old-fashioned teddy bears. She ran her hand over his back and caressed his head, letting his silky strands of wispy, strawberry blonde hair slide through her fingers.

“Night, baby,” she whispered, as she reached up to turn on his teddy bear mobile. As a soft melody tinkled out of the gently spinning mobile, she backed away. At the doorway, she hit the light switch, leaving the room dark, except for the soft glow of the nightlight on one wall. Pausing to make sure the baby was still asleep, she then eased out of the room, closing the door partway behind her, and tiptoed back up the hall.

She sat in the living room, lights blazing, TV turned on low to keep her company, until the welcoming sight of a pair of headlights turning into the driveway flooded her eyes. She heard the garage door go up and a set of keys jangling against the lock on the back door. Moments later, her brother’s heavy footsteps accompanied Amber’s clicking heels across the linoleum kitchen floor.

“Claire?” Kyle called, and moments later, his head poked into the living room. He smiled when he saw her on the couch. “Hey! How’d it go?”

She grinned back as she rose from the couch. “Just fine,” she answered. “He went down without any trouble… fell asleep while I was reading ‘Goodnight Moon’ to him.”

“Oh, good,” said Amber, smiling as she came up alongside Kyle, sliding her arm around his waist.

“How was your night?” Claire asked, looking between the two of them.

“Wonderful,” sighed Amber, beaming up at Kyle. Claire watched them together as Amber rehashed all the romantic places Kyle had taken her... it was plain to see how in love they were. They had been this way ever since college, when they had met. Claire had never seen her brother so whipped over a girl, and it was obvious that Amber was just as much in love with him as he was with her. Looking at the two of them, Claire was wistful… had she given up on that kind of love for herself?


We could have made it work
We could have found a way
We should have done our best
To see another day
But we kept it all inside
Until it was too late
And now we’re both alone
The consequence we pay
For throwing it all away
For throwing it all away

What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect
Now we’re lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside, I wonder
Did I lose my only?


***

The question haunted her as she walked out to her car a few minutes later and climbed inside, but Claire tried her best to push Nick’s face out of her mind as she backed out of the driveway and pulled onto the road. Everything looked sort of hazy out the windshield, and she knew she was going to have to concentrate in order to drive. The streets appeared unusually dark, the headlights of the oncoming cars unusually bright.

She turned on the radio, surprised to hear one of her favorite Linkin Park songs, “Crawling,” screaming out of her speakers. Crawling in my skin… these wounds, they will not heal… She instantly joined in on the opening chorus, singing loudly; after such a quiet night, she welcomed the noise. “Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real…”

She slowed to a stop at an intersection; crimson halos seemed to float around the red lights on the row of traffic signals hanging ahead of her. “There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface… consuming… confusing…” she sang as she waited for the light to change. “This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending… controlling… I can’t seem… to find myself again, my walls are closing in – without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take – I’ve felt this way before… so insecure…”

Green halos shot out of the traffic lights as the signal changed; Claire took her foot off the brake and moved it to the accelerator. “… These wounds, they will not heal…” She eased the pedal to the floor, urging her rumbling old Toyota forward on the uphill stretch of highway. “Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real… Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me… distracting… reacting…”

The moment she reached the crest of the hill, she was struck by the bright white beams of light coming from the string of cars coming up the hill towards her. The headlights were blinding; they made her eyes sear as if they’d been pierced with white-hot knives, and for a few seconds, she could see nothing, nothing but the ultra-bright light.

It took her longer to recover than it should have. She kept driving, blindly, and missed the stop sign altogether. Just as the supernova caused by the headlights dimmed, leaving cloudy spots dancing before her eyes in its wake, her peripheral vision registered another pair of lights coming at her from the side.

There was no time to react. She realized what was going to happen just as it happened – the headlights enveloped her as the car plowed directly into her passenger’s side door.

She heard the crunch of metal and glass and felt herself being thrown against her door as said metal crumpled inward and said glass showered across the front seat. Even before she registered the pain, she squeezed her eyes shut in terror, subconsciously aware of what was happening and the fact that she couldn’t stop it. Her car had gone into a spin; she could feel it whipping around, the inertia pinning her against her door. Time slowed; seconds felt like centuries, yet she could not react.

Then there was another impact, another crunch, another jerk. Her head struck something hard, and this time, there was no supernova, but a black hole. It sucked her into its depths before she knew what was happening, and the blinding light turned to overpowering darkness.

***


Lyrics: “What Happened to Us?” by Hoobastank, “Crawling” by Linkin Park
Text: “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown