[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
Chapter 96

Claire rested her forehead against the steering wheel. It was warm from the sun, and the hand grips were digging into her skin, but she didn’t care. She felt like shit. Like she’d betrayed Nick, even though she technically hadn’t. But he’d acted like she had.

Hell, he thought she had. He actually thought that she’d either been fucking Jamie behind his back while they were still together, or that she’d left him just so she could without being unfaithful. Neither were true, of course; she never would have cheated on Nick, and it hurt that he didn’t believe her. What had happened to the bond they’d shared, the close relationship based on trust and mutual understanding?

It seemed to be slipping away, and she knew it was all her fault. No, she hadn’t cheated on him, but she’d left him without warning, behind his back. Of course that had shaken his trust in her. And now here she was, back together with Jamie, after she’d denied again and again that her feelings for her high school sweetheart were long gone. She didn’t blame Nick for being mad, not one bit. But that didn’t make it any easier to handle his reaction.

Who knew I’d have to choose? she thought miserably. Nick and Jamie… Jamie and Nick. Nick or Jamie… Jamie or Nick. It wasn’t fair; she loved them both and treasured the friendship and history she had with each. She wanted them both in her life, but that didn’t appear to be something either of them wanted. She wasn’t sure Nick would ever forgive her for choosing Jamie… yet how could she tell Jamie she couldn’t date him, just because Nick didn’t want her to?

Who would have ever guessed I’d end up in a fucking love triangle? was her next thought. It made her snort. A few years ago, she’d had no one, and now there were two men in her life who meant a great deal to her, and they despised each other because of her. It was like something out of a soap opera, and she hated it, but what could she do? She wasn’t ready to give up her second chance with Jamie before it had even really begun. But if it meant salvaging her friendship with Nick…

She sighed over the steering wheel; she felt so overwhelmed.

A tap on her window startled her, and she jerked upright, her head spinning towards the door. Through the glass, she saw Laureen standing beside her car, peering in at her with an expression of unmistakable concern on her freckled face. Offering her friend a sheepish smile, she hurriedly rolled the window down.

“Hey! Are you okay??” exclaimed Laureen. “You look upset!”

Claire shrugged and asked, “You got a minute?” She patted the passenger seat next to her, motioning for Laureen to get in the car. Laureen came around the back of the little Beetle quickly and climbed in. As soon as she did, Claire turned to her. “Nick was here,” she answered in a low voice. “He found out about me and Jamie.”

A look of comprehension spread slowly across Laureen’s face. “Ohhh,” she said knowingly, her lips pursing sympathetically. She hadn’t met Jamie yet, but Claire had told her about him, including how much he and Nick disliked each other. They’d both known that this was just a bomb waiting to explode, Nick finding out that Claire and Jamie had gotten back together. “Sorry… I guess I don’t even have to ask – he didn’t take it well?”

Claire snorted. “No. I guess it’s my fault… maybe I should have prepared him. If I’d known he was in town… but I didn’t; he dropped by my apartment this morning for a surprise visit, and lo and behold, guess who was already there?”

Laureen drew in a low breath. “Ohh no…”

Blushing, Claire pressed her lips together tightly and nodded. “Yep. He ended up staying at my place last night, and he was off work today, so I guess he hadn’t gotten around to leaving yet. Just my luck, right?”

Laureen shook her head and sighed. “That sucks so much. What are the chances, huh?”

“I know,” said Claire with a wry laugh. “But like we said, he was bound to find out sooner or later, and it’s not like I was really trying to keep it from him. That’s just not the way I would have liked him to find out. I should have told him myself. He’d have been pissed either way, but now he’s really pissed.”

“Really?” Laureen bit her lip, looking nervous over the idea of Nick Carter pissed off.

“Yeah. He drove over here just to confront me; then he took me out to his car and accused me of planning this all along. He thinks I left him just so Jamie and I could be together. And he thinks we were ‘fuck buddies’ while he and I were engaged.” She shook her head fiercely, starting to get upset again. “How could he think that?? I loved him… and Jamie? Jamie was nothing more than a friend. Nothing. I never thought it would end up this way, Jamie and I, together again…”

“I know you didn’t. It’s not your fault; I know you weren’t trying to hurt him,” Laureen said consolingly, putting her hand on Claire’s knee. She left it there a few seconds, then moved it back into her lap, where she started twisting it around with her other one. After a moment, she asked softly, “Do you think Nick will be okay?”

Claire glanced over at her, smiling sadly. It was clear that although she was trying to be a good friend to her, Laureen was really concerned about Nick too. But Claire appreciated that. Her other friends were quick to cast Nick aside – if Dianna had had her way, Claire would have forgotten all about Nick by now… and Jamie, Jamie had never cared much about Nick. She was glad Laureen did, because someone should.

She still cared about Nick. He wasn’t just another ex to her. What they had shared was bigger than any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, even bigger than their engagement. That deserved to be honored, and he didn’t deserve to be tossed into the pile of old exes. She still wanted a friendship with him. After all they’d been through together, she couldn’t imagine not having that.

“I hope so… if he doesn’t get himself killed, that is – he drove out of here like a bat out of hell. He always drives like a freaking maniac when he’s mad.” She shook her head regretfully. Seeing the panicked expression come over Laureen’s face, she added quickly, “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be fine… he’s not stupid. I just hope he’ll be alright in the other way… that he’ll move on and be happy…” Trailing off, she sighed before finishing, “And that one day, that he’ll forgive me.”

***

Nick was halfway through his third beer when his cell phone rang that night. Rooting around for the source of the muffled ringtone, he found the small silver phone lodged between the couch cushion and pried it out, lifting it close to his face to check who was calling. He was a little surprised at the name on the caller ID at first… then, not so much. Still, he flipped open the phone and put it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Um, hi, Nick,” the voice on the other line squeaked. “This is Laureen… Claire’s friend. I hope I’m not calling at a bad time or anything…”

Nick eyed the beer sitting on his coffee table. “Hey, Laureen… nah, you’re fine,” he said, carefully nudging the bottle aside with his foot. “How ya doin?”

“Oh… I’m pretty good. Um, how about you?”

Nick exhaled through his nose. “Been better,” he answered flatly.

“Crap, I know that… I’m sorry; I don’t even know why I asked! I always sound so stupid when I talk to you!” Laureen exclaimed in a rush, and Nick couldn’t help but laugh. She sounded so nervous, and for the life of him, he couldn’t understand why. He was just a regular guy… but even if she was starstruck, it wasn’t like they hadn’t talked before. She hadn’t seemed this flustered the last time; then again, she’d also had a few drinks that time, and alcohol always seemed to make a person more relaxed. Precisely why he was drinking tonight… to relax and to numb himself, to keep from stressing over Claire and Jamie any longer.

“Chill, girl,” he told Laureen good-naturedly. “It’s okay, and you don’t sound stupid. Just nervous… which you don’t need to be. I don’t bite. ‘Specially not over the phone.”

She just laughed shrilly.

“So,” he said, deciding they might as well get to the point, “let me guess. You’re calling on Claire’s behalf, aren’t you?”

There was a pause before Laureen answered. “Well, she doesn’t exactly know I’m calling, but… yeah. I talked to her today at lunch, right after you left. She was pretty upset.”

“She was upset?” Nick scoffed. “Why would she be upset? She’s got the man she’s always wanted; I thought she’d be happy.” His voice was spiteful and sarcastic, his blood coursing with the same anger he’d felt in the parking lot that morning.

“She was upset because she made you upset,” answered Laureen seriously. “She never meant to hurt you, Nick. And she hasn’t always wanted Jamie. She told me she never thought she’d get back together with him; it just kinda happened. But there was nothing going on between them when she was with you. That’s what she told me, and I believe her. I don’t know why she’d lie about it to me… and I would never call you up just to lie to you, so you can trust me. Claire feels terrible.”

“It’s a little late for that now,” remarked Nick, rolling his eyes, though he was glad to hear that Claire felt bad. That at least meant a part of her still cared about his feelings.

“I-I know… but she was so down about it this afternoon, I just felt like I should call you and let you know that she was telling the truth. I think that’s what upset her the most – you not believing her about Jamie.”

Nick swallowed hard. “I do believe her,” he admitted grudgingly. Deep down in his heart, he thought Claire was being honest about not doing anything with Jamie during their engagement. It had been no secret that Jamie had always harbored feelings for her, but she’d been adamant about those feelings not being mutual. Apparently that wasn’t the case anymore, but that didn’t mean she’d been lying then. He knew how easily feelings could change, how quickly you could realize you were falling for someone…


Her eyes skimmed the menu, while his roamed over her face, still intrigued by her new look. She was really quite pretty, he realized as he studied her. Not a beauty like Leah… not a knock-out… but pretty in a cute, natural sort of way…

His eyes involuntarily traveled over her body, admiring the way one of the loose straps of her tank top hung off her milky white shoulder, the way the top accented the gentle swell of her breasts and showed just a hint of cleavage…

Things had changed. She had changed… her appearance had changed… and with it, his feelings for her had changed. He suddenly didn’t want her as just a friend, but as more...

Could it be true? After six months of friendship, four months of separation, and Claire’s transformation into a girl who was, well, pretty… could his feelings suddenly change like that?

It sounded crazy, but he couldn’t deny the way his heart was fluttering in his chest… the way his palms had grown hot and slimy with sweat… and the way his whole body seemed to tingle when he looked at her.

Oh my God, he thought, I think I’m falling in love with her.


Nick closed his eyes, savoring the memory of how he had felt that night, just over two years ago, when he’d realized he was falling for Claire. He’d come off seeming so shallow, but while it was true that her newfound prettiness had been the trigger for his feelings, maybe he’d had them all along, hidden deep down in a place out of his grasp. He’d seen her in a new light that night… the light of a revelation. In a matter of minutes, he’d gone from liking her just as a buddy, a companion, to… loving her.

If it could happen to him, it could happen to her too. Maybe she’d never stopped loving Jamie after he dumped her all those years ago… but maybe she also had honestly never realized it. Just as something had triggered his feelings for her all those months ago, something could have sparked her old feelings for Jamie back to life. It didn’t mean she’d been acting on them, or even aware of them, when she was engaged to him. It also didn’t mean those feelings had been the real reason she’d left him. He and Claire had had their share of problems, and though he had always believed they could work through them, she apparently had not. Jamie may have been a factor, but Nick couldn’t blame him as the sole cause of their failed relationship.

Then again… “She can’t blame me for being pissed about it though,” Nick went on to Laureen, frowning. “This guy Jamie… have you met him?”

“No… not yet,” replied Laureen. “Why?”

“Well, he’s… he’s not a good guy,” Nick fumbled, wondering how he could say it without sounding jealous. “I dunno, there’s just something about that dude… I’ve never liked him. He’s cocky and manipulative, and it’s like Claire’s blind to all that. And if I try to tell her that, she just thinks I’m being jealous. And maybe I am… I mean, it’s no secret I’d rather have her back together with me. But I guess that’s not what she wants, so…” He trailed off with a sigh, realizing he’d just confessed way more than he’d intended to Laureen. Damn the alcohol.

“Aww, Nick…” Laureen murmured in sympathy, sounding pained. “Personally, I wish you two would get back together too. I thought you were a great couple. Don’t give up on her yet, okay? Maybe she just needs to date other people before she’ll realize what a mistake she made in leaving you.”

Nick smiled at that. “You think it was a mistake?”

“Well…” Laureen hesitated, before answering, “I guess I shouldn’t judge, cause I don’t know the whole story, from either side, but… the way I see it, yeah!! I’d never tell Claire that; it’s not my place. But I’ve always thought she was lucky to have you and stupid to give you up. Oh my God, don’t tell her I called her stupid! I didn’t mean it that way, just… just…”

“I gotcha,” Nick laughed, thrilled to have one of Claire’s friends on his side. Of course, the guys and their women had all stuck up for him after the break-up, telling him the same kinds of things Laureen had, but it was refreshing to hear it all coming from someone on Claire’s end. “Thanks, Laureen; that means a lot to me.”

“No problem!” she exclaimed, sounding thrilled herself. Sobering a little, she added sweetly, “I know this will all work out for you, Nick, one way or the other. Either Claire will come to her senses, or you’ll move on and find the perfect girl. I know she’s out there.”

Nick smiled wistfully. “I hope so. I guess I’ll just have to start looking.”

“Yep,” Laureen chimed. “Hopefully you won’t have to look far…”

***

Early the next morning, a few hours before he was scheduled to fly out of Tampa, Nick showed up at Claire’s door. He knocked nervously, hoping she was still there, up and getting ready for work, and that he wouldn’t be met with a shirtless Jamie again when the door opened. To his relief, it was Claire who answered this time, dressed in her work scrubs and looking quite surprised to see him.

“Hey, Nick,” she said, her tone subdued, and offered him a tiny whisper of a smile.

“Hey,” he replied. “I know you’ve gotta go to work in awhile, but do you got a minute?”

“Sure. Come on in.” Claire stepped back, holding the door open for him.

Nick walked in tentatively and looked around. “He’s not here, is he?” he asked, referring to Jamie.

“No,” she said, blushing faintly. “He isn’t shacking up with me, if that’s what you think. I know that’s probably what it looked like yesterday, but honestly, he’d just gotten back from Iowa the night before and came over to hang out and watch movies, and it got late, and so he just stayed. Not unlike you and I used to do.”

Nick swallowed the lump that rose in his throat when he thought of those days.

“I was just fixing myself some breakfast,” Claire continued, walking up to one of her kitchen counters, where she’d set a tub of margarine and a plate next to the toaster. “Want some toast or something?”

“No thanks. I just wanted to talk to you, face to face, before I fly back to Cali.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Noon.”

“Oh. Well, sit down,” said Claire, gesturing to her kitchen table. He sat, brushing the morning paper aside, and a minute later, she joined him, carrying a plate with two slices of hot toast and the margarine container, a table knife perched precariously on top of it. “Do you mind?” she asked, gesturing to the food as she set it down. “I gotta eat, or I’m gonna run out of time.”

“No, no problem, go ahead.”

She nodded and started spreading margarine across her toast, stealing glances up at him between strokes. “So…?” she prompted finally.

Nick cleared his throat. “Um, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for some of the things I said yesterday. I don’t really think you cheated on me when we were together, and I’m sorry for accusing you of it.”

Claire smiled tightly. “Thank you. I know I shook your trust in me there at the end, leaving the way I did, without any warning. That was a mistake; I shouldn’t have done it that way. Call me impulsive; call me a bitch. Just don’t call me unfaithful. Because you can trust me when I say I never even thought of cheating on you.”

Nick nodded. “I know,” he whispered. “I’m sorry; I was just angry… and a little hurt.” Might as well be honest, he figured.

Claire set down the piece of toast she’d had poised to bite into. Her eyes momentarily left his face, then returned to it, clouded with guilt. “I know,” she echoed quietly. “I expected you to be… that’s why I hadn’t found a way to tell you myself yet. I don’t know what to say, Nick. I’m sorry for making you hurt; I hope you know that wasn’t my intent. I honestly didn’t even think I was ready to start dating again, and I never saw Jamie and I getting back together like this, but it just all fell into place.”

Nick nodded, trying to keep his expression neutral, trying to hide the pain and jealousy inside of him. He wished he didn’t feel this way; he wished he could just get over her, but it was so hard. Inwardly, he couldn’t deny his envy. He was jealous of Jamie, of course, for drawing Claire back to him after she’d walked away from Nick. And a part of him was jealous of Claire too… jealous because she had clearly moved on.

He wished he could move on too, but it was just so hard to let her go, when every time he looked at her or thought of her, he was reminded of how much he still loved her. How the worst years of his life had turned into some of the best, simply because of her. Would he ever find another woman who could make him feel the way that she did?

He knew it wouldn’t be as easy for him as it had been for her. Jamie had been waiting in the wings for her, ready to snatch her up the minute there was an opening. And even if she’d rejected him, Nick had no doubt there would have been another man eventually. It would have been no trouble for her; she was cute and fun, understanding and easy to talk to, with a good personality, a sense of humor, and confidence galore. These were all the qualities that had drawn him to her in the first place.

He, on the other hand, was insecure, disfigured and scarred, burdened by emotional baggage, and immersed in a career that seemed to attract all the wrong people and scare away all the right ones. Back in his glory days, he’d never had trouble finding women to date; yet he’d always had trouble finding good women with which to have long-term relationships.

Now it wasn’t even easy for him to attract women, period. Not that he’d really tried, but he was worried that when he did, he’d just end up hurt and rejected. Sure, if he was lucky, he could get a woman to flirt with him at a club. But what happened when she took him back to her hotel room and saw his leg? Would she be as attracted to him then? Doubtful. She’d probably react just as that chick Angelique had. Unless she was like Leah, a gold-digger who couldn’t care less what was wrong with him, as long as she thought she might get some money out of him. And that wasn’t the kind of woman he wanted anyway.

Despite the pain she’d put him through in the last few months, he couldn’t deny that the kind of woman he wanted… was Claire.

He glanced slowly up at her, and she offered him a tentative smile. Then she reached across the table and rested her hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. “Listen, I don’t want this to be the end for us, okay?” she said. “I still want to be friends and keep in touch. I still want you to come and visit me when you’re in town, and hopefully one day I will be able to fly out to LA again and see your new place. This thing with Jamie isn’t going to come between our friendship; I won’t let it. I care about it too much, Nick. And I’m not going to forget what we had either. It was something special, and I’ll always remember that.”

Again, Nick nodded wordlessly. He wanted the same, but he couldn’t find the words to say so. That pesky lump had risen in his throat again. Why was this so hard? After she’d left him with a Dear John letter and moved on with her old boyfriend, whom he happened to despise, it should have been easy to walk away from her and move on himself. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t.

Claire glanced down at her barely touched toast, then pushed her plate aside with a sigh. “I gotta go in a few,” she said apologetically, “or else I’m gonna be late.”

Nick nodded again. “Okay,” he managed to say and dutifully rose from the table.

She stood up too, came around the table, and pulled him into a tight hug. “Thanks for stopping by,” she said as she released him. “I’m glad we could talk before you left. Are we… okay?”

“Yeah,” Nick replied quietly. “We’re okay.”

Claire smiled gently. “Good. Well, have a safe flight, and good luck moving into your new house. Call me when you can, okay? I wanna hear all about it.”

“Sure,” he nodded, managing a smile in return. “You take care of yourself too, okay?” he added, putting his hand on her shoulder as she walked him to the door. “Make sure Jamie treats you right. If he doesn’t, forget your pride and call me, and so help me, I’ll fly home and kick his ass so bad, he won’t know what hit him. Don’t forget, this leg’s made of metal.” He shot her a playful grin as he rapped his knuckles against his prosthesis for added effect.

She grinned back, and suddenly they both knew that they were, indeed, ‘okay’ again. “I will definitely do that. That is, if I don’t kick his ass myself first,” she replied, sticking her tongue out.

“Call me, and we can take him together. It’ll be fun,” said Nick, opening the door. He stopped on his way out and leaned in to kiss her lightly on the cheek. “Bye, Claire,” he whispered.

She smiled regretfully, her fingers rising instinctively to touch the spot where he had kissed her. “Bye, Nick,” she echoed.

He forced himself to turn and leave. As he walked down the hallway of her apartment building, he knew, unconsciously, that he wouldn’t be back again for awhile. He was going back to California, to live in his new house, to finish his new album, to explore bigger and better things.

He was going to move on.


Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
Cause I saw the end before we’d begun
Yes I saw you were blinded, and I knew I had won

So I took what’s mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
It may be over, but it won’t stop there
I am here for you, if you’d only care

You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind, but that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you

I’ve kissed your lips and held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I’ve been addicted to you

Goodbye, my lover
Goodbye, my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I am a dreamer, and when I wake
You can’t break my spirit, it’s my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile
I’ve watched you sleeping for awhile
I’d be the father of your child
I’d spend a lifetime with you

I know your fears, and you know mine
We’ve had our doubts, but now we’re fine
And I love you, I swear that’s true
I cannot live without you

Goodbye, my lover
Goodbye, my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine when I’m asleep
And I will bear my soul in time
When I’m kneeling at your feet

Goodbye, my lover
Goodbye, my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I’m so hollow, baby
I’m so hollow
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow
I’m so hollow, baby
I’m so hollow
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow

- “Goodbye, My Lover” by James Blunt


***