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But deep down in my soul, down in my soul
There is one thing I know that I know

As Jackie brought the cup of water back to the table, Baker came into view “Baker do you want something to eat?”

He nodded; he had smelled the food for twenty minutes while his stomach twisted into a hungry knot. Silently he went to the cupboard to grab a plate. The back door opened, Kate came bouncing in front of Harold.

“Mommy can I have a pop sickle?”

Jackie started scooping up food for Baker, watching as her daughter jumped up and down at her feet. “I thought you were full.” Jackie handed the full plate to her son. Harold walked up to the counter grabbing his keys.

“Baker I need you to help me, with the car.” Baker had just stabbed his fork into the meat; he looked over as his Dad was already walking from the kitchen back into the front room. Baker looked over at his mom his mouth half full now of food.

“Do I have to go?” he asked looking at her.

“Baker” his dad’s voice called again, Jackie looked from her begging daughter to her son.

“Yes” she said taking his plate from him, while trying to keep on her feet, Kate had her hands wrapped around her legs.

Baker put down his plate swearing under his breath before; he walked to the front room.

Jackie sighed picking up her daughter “Mommy can Brian take me outside?” Kate asked, after her mom pulled a pop sickle out of the fridge.

“Honey” Jackie started, Ryan stood up.

“I’ll take her outside” he replied, it would give him a chance to get out of the house, away from all the uneasiness that was feeding on his mind.

Jackie rubbed the corner of her eye and let her daughter down “Thank you” she said “I’ll go get your wash done.”

Kate’s little hand wrapped around Ryan walking him to the door, he opened it and walked out to the back porch. It looked a little different from the pictures Taylor had sent. It seemed bigger. “Come on” Kate said tugging at his hand. She left him to climb up on a chair, it looked familiar.

A picture flashed in his mind, like an old photograph, he saw the chair and a table, a glass of something liquid on top of it.

“Please can I go?” a small voice murmured, Ryan searched around for Kate, she was sitting forward in the chair dangling her feet off the edge. She pointed to the chair beside her.

“Go Where?” he asked looking at her. Kate pulled strands of her hair with her little finger sticking it in her mouth, chewing on it; she dropped it hearing his voice.

“What?” she asked smiling; she slid off the chair and waddled down the steps of the porch to the patio. Ryan followed her down ducking under the trees that graced the porch way.

“Kate” Ryan asked as he made it to the bottom she was heading for a tree, she turned around looking at him.

“What?” she asked again.

“You didn’t ask if you could go someplace?” he asked fallowing her to the tree

“Huh?” she asked as she started to climb up the tree.

“Are you supposed to be doing that?” he asked.

“No” she slid down and started skipping across the grass “I want to play dead log” she said looking at him.

“What?” Ryan asked he was confused.

…


Baker sat now in the passenger seat of his dad’s Lexus as they drove around a few blocks; they had been sitting in silence for a few minutes before his dad spoke a word.

“I know this is hard for you Baker, but –“

“What’s hard?” Baker shot back cruelly looking out the window.

“Something’s wrong or else you wouldn’t be making it so blatantly clear that you’re upset.” Harold glancing at his son then back at the ahead at the road “You want to tell me what’s on your mind.”

“No” Baker replied flatly “You don’t tell me anything why should I tell you.

“I don’t need you to be sassy with me.” Harold cut his eyes towards his son “Your mad at something, you mind clueing me in.”

“Why should I, you seem to make all the decisions and know everything I do without me knowing.” Baker said bitterly.

“Is this because of Brian coming home?”

“His name is Ryan, he’s not your son anymore. You ruined everything. Pam and Pete are good people.” Baker glared out the front of the window.

“I ruined everything?” Harold stopped the car to the side of the road and turned to look at his son, pulling the seatbelt off “What did I ruin?” Baker met his dad’s glaring gaze then stared in front of him “I don’t need any patronizing from you. In case you’ve forgotten we are the legal and biological parents of Brian. You are his brother. You’re girlfriend has nothing to do with that. I’m sorry if you’ve had to forfeit your relationship, but your mother and I have given Pete and Pamela every benefit of the doubt. We didn’t ruin anything. I refused to press charges. I think I’ve been pretty damn nice about this whole thing. No matter how good willed they intended to be, the broke the law”

“She does – I don’t care.” Baker blurted frustrated.

“You do care, don’t tell me that.” Harold replied back “You swore at me head on. Baker you are to old to have your mouth washed out. I expected a little bit more civility out of you. Either you tell me what’s going on or I set you up with someone else that can help you.” Harold gave him an ultimatum.

“Nothing’s wrong with me!” Baker yelled ‘Why are you trying ot make something wrong. I’m just pissed about what you did, you totally just, you ruined everything! You’ve been too busy to notice.”

“I’ve noticed, but I would’ve though you might have come to either your mother or I to talk about it, you know you always can.”

“You didn’t ask me about how I felt having him come here.”

“He’s your flesh and blood Baker, what is with you?” Harold was so stressed out form the day. The outburst Baker had displayed earlier that evening was not like him at all. “He’s staying so get used to it.

“I don’t want any more of this bullshit, if you have a problem come and talk to me or you mom. Your language was uncalled for, I if I ever hear anything like that out of you again, you better watch your back.” Harold warned “Because I won’t hesitate to discipline you if needs be, got that.”

Baker nodded his head. Even in a battle of guts he lost out to his dad, it was frustrating.

…

Ryan shut the door behind him as he and Kate walked inside again, he could hear clothes turning in the washer, soon sure enough Jackie walked out with a bundle of clean clothes.

As he walked more inside the house though he heard the sound of a guitar playing, not rock but some sort of Spanish mix. He looked at Jackie in bewilderment but said nothing.

“Dirk recorded it with your father a while back.” She said as she placed the clothesbasket on the table “He and your father plunk around guitars every so often.” She murmured, her mind was else ware, mainly on where her husband and eldest son had gone so mysteriously.

Ryan didn’t bother asking anything else, he had a plan “Can I go get a shower?” he asked. Jackie looked up from her project.

“Of course” she smiled, and then looked down, he had really made her feel uncomfortable today. “Here are some clean clothes.” She handed him a pair of underwear and a shirt, and some pajama pants.

“Thanks” he said taking them up to the top floor; he walked into the front room where he saw a cordless phone, he picked it up and walked up the stairs heading for the restroom.

After he locked the door to the bathroom, he turned on the fan and dialed his parent’s phone.

It rang twice before someone picked it up “Hello?” a voice answered, it was his Dad, and Ryan felt tears flow to his eyes.

“Hi Dad” he choked, thru tears

“Ryan” Pete exclaimed shocked, but his voice sounded pleased.

“Come get me Dad, please” he begged, “I want to be with you and Mom” he cried.

“Ryan,” Pete wanted to, he desperately wanted to “Son – we’re fighting to get you back. We’re going to get you back.” He said reassuringly “You’re going to come home believe me.”

“I want to come home now.” He whimpered, putting his hand on the counter.

“Are they hurting you?” Pete asked.

“No’ Ryan said “but I want to come home.” He begged “Please Dad.”

…

Baker slammed the door shut and ran up the stairs to his room, While Harold walked into the kitchen sighing dropping his keys on the counter, watching as his wife continued to fold clothes.

“Where’d you go?” Jackie placed the folded clothes into the basket and handed it to her husband.

“Just had a chat with Baker.” He said unenthusiastically “I’m not going to make it to the service tomorrow morning.” He took the basket, still looking at his wife.

“I don’t think any of us are going to make it tomorrow morning,” Jackie said doubtfully rubbing her head.

Harold nodded watching her take the other hamper; he followed her up the stairs to Brian’s bedroom. When the reached the room, Harold noticed it was empty ‘Where’s Brian?” he asked.

“He said he wanted to take a shower.” Jackie said.

Listening with his ear for a moment Harold looked at his wife ‘I don’t hear a shower going” he replied.

“Maybe he take’s quick showers.” His wife placed the hamper down taking the clothes out putting them into the various drawers. She put the pairs of socks and the underwear in the top drawer.

“How long has it been?” Harold asked, picking out more socks to hand to his wife.

‘Five minutes, I think.” She sighed rubbing her head again.

‘You alright?” he asked watching her stuff the rest of the socks in, and shut the drawer, she opened the next and haphazardly placed Brian’s pajama pants and shirts inside it, then shut it. “Jackie” Harold asked again watching her shut the next drawer, she sniffled again, but opened the next drawer shoving Brian’s jeans into it. Harold walked towards her, she looked down miserably at the hamper “Jackie, what is it?” he asked again.

She sighed “Can you do the rest of this” she asked handing him the hamper. Without another word she walked out of the room. Harold looked up at the ceiling for a moment as if to say ‘huh? You can’t honestly expect me to understand what they want if they don’t tell me’. Sighing he put the rest of the clothes away and placed one laundry basket inside the other.

After he was finished he walked out of the bedroom and towards the bathroom to check on Brian, as he held his ear up to the door – knocking -, to see if the shower was going he overheard Brian gulping down tears.

“Brian?” Harold asked “You all right in there?”

He heard muffled cries so he placed his hand on the door it was locked.

“Brian?” he asked again, banging lightly on the door “Are you dressed?” he asked.

Still no reply, Harold stuck his nail in the small hole turning the unlocked, and opened it. Stepping inside he saw Brain sitting in the tub, the curtain pulled the whole way around he was on the phone.

“Whom are you talking to?” Harold asked, pulling the curtain back.

Ryan dropped the phone seeing Harold had caught him “I, I” he bumbled.

“I don’t think you can take a shower in clothes, and it’s not safe taking one with a phone in” he said smiling warmly “Come on, I’ll help you out” he said holding out his hand.

Ryan stood up, he looked at the phone that was now under the faucet at the end of the tub “I was talking to my dad” he said finally. Harold looked at him, only flashing a hurt look as he helped Ryan out of the tub.

“Finish up your conversation” Ryan heard Harold say hesitatingly then walked out the door. Ryan looked at the phone, he felt bad, he had successfully delivered low blows to both Jackie and Harold.

His plan didn’t seem to end how he wanted it to, instead of ending his conversation he turned off the phone and walked down the stairs towards the kitchen, Kate was picking out a book from a shelf as she walked up through the kitchen she looked at Ryan smiling “Daddy’s going to read me a story, you want to hear?” she asked.

Ryan shook his head, his throat was dry, and he gulped back his guilt “no” he replied softly.

“Come on please” Kate begged “Daddy’s the best at reading.” She beamed; she took his hand pulling him along to go with her.

“Kate no!” Ryan said pulling his hand away. Kate looked at him, her large blue eyes hurt. she waddled up the stairs holding onto the railing as she went up.

He watched as she went running to her parents’ room, the book dragging behind her “Daddy!” she said running to him.

“Honey I don’t think I’m going to be able to read you a story tonight, do you want Mom to put you to bed?” Ryan could hear him say.

“I want you to” she started to cry everyone was refusing her.

“Ok, ok” her dad gave in, picking her up; he walked across the hallway with her and the book in his hand towards her bedroom.

Ryan walked up the stairs and straight to his room, everything was clean, his bags were in the closet and his clothes were all hung and put away, but as he sat on his bed he could overhear Harold in kate’s room reading her a story.

…

“Papa bear took a taste of his porridge and said” Harold put his voice low “well Mamma Bear this porridge is too hottt” he said shaking his face a little “too hot, too hot” he repeated, Kate giggled, “Mamma bear took a taste of hers and looked at it” he put his voice up a little higher “mine is much too cold.” He continued in his own voice narrating the story “Then Baby bear, who refused to touch her porridge –“

“That’s not how it goes Daddy” Kate smiled.

“How do you know?” he asked looking at her.

“Because” Kate said assuredly back.

“So the three bears decided to go out and play in the park to wait for their porridge to be just right….”

Kate continued to listen, her gaze fell to her door as she saw Ryan standing in the doorway.

He had his eyes closed, listening to the voices and imagining what Harold was talking about.

Kate’s dad continued to read the story then after a few more minutes of monologue and narration he finished the book shutting it. “Read it again.” She smiled.

“One, is enough for tonight” he replied standing up and leaning over her to tuck her in.

“Please Daddy” she begged watching Ryan slip out of view.

Planting a kiss on her forehead and puckering up for a small peck on the lips he shook his head “no” he said quickly puckering his lips again, waiting for her to kiss him, he did “Get some sleep.”

“I love you” she whispered, her eyes closing.

“I love you more” he whispered back smiling kissing her cheek.

“I want bear” she said opening her eyes again.

“Alright” Harold pulled a small bear from the end of the bed tucking It in with his daughter “now go to sleep” he said kissing her head again, touching her cheek before he stood up and finally walked out of the room.

…

As he sat in his room in the dark he heard Harold walk past the door into the master bedroom, and shut the door. Ryan continued to sit on the bed. He felt so out of place, but there was nothing he could do. He was now in Fairfax, and his parents were in Annandale. He had neither the means nor the guts to try and run away. He laid down on the bed, all his clothes still on, he slid his hands under his pillow, burring his face in the pillow.

…


Harold undid his shirt, and pulled it off, throwing it in a hamper while he stepped out of his shoes. Jackie was sitting on the ottoman at the end of their bed, Harold walked up behind her sliding his leg behind her back so he could sit behind her.

“Brian, was talking to someone on the phone.” He said leaning his chin on her shoulder his voice was tired. His wife looked down, she could feel her husband’s hands along her stomach, rubbing it gently.

“I’m tired,” she murmured.

“Me too” he replied in a whisper, moving his hands up higher towards her breasts, he kissed her neck.

She moved her head away; pushing his hands down with hers “Not tonight” she said standing up.

“Didn’t see that one coming” he said tapping the ottoman.

“Our son is in the other room, and we’re in here –“ she growled turning around.

“Honey, what is wrong?” he asked before she could continue, “You can’t just expect me to read your mind.” He replied.

“I just want to sleep tonight.” She replied going for the bathroom to change.

“I do to, but –“

“No sex” she walked back in, pulling off her shirt, she walked back towards him sitting down, “will you unzip this” she asked softer.

Harold sighed, rubbing his forehead, he undid her zipper, and automatically went to undo her bra, simply out of habit. She pushed his hands away, and stood up walking to the bathroom.

“The door’s open.” He said watching her slip off her blouse, she didn’t respond. He walked over to it shutting it softly then walked to the bed sitting down dejectedly.

A few minutes later his wife walked back into the room and sat on the bed beside him, he was reading a book, she slid under the covers lying on her back. Harold put down his book looking at her.

“Does this have anything to do with what happened today?” he asked. She didn’t respond. Harold shut his book putting it on his lap, he leaned over her pulling her hair from her face “Jackie?”

“Please Harold.” She whispered. He looked up at the ceiling again, then moved back to his side of the bed, sliding out, she turned around watching as he walked to the door “Where are you going?”

“To lock the house,” he said walking out of the room.

…

As the lights flipped off Ryan heard footsteps returning up the stairs, and the door to his room open.

“You awake?” he heard. Ryan sat up his leg was stiff and asleep.

“Yeah” he replied, trying to wipe away his tears.

“I’m turning on the light.” Harold said, doing what he had said. Ryan blinked as the room became bright. “You mind if we talk for a little while.”

Ryan sat on the bed, Harold came and sat down beside him “I just want to go home” he murmured looking at the floor.

“Brian, this is your home. We are your parents,”

“But –“

“There are no buts, that’s how it is” Harold replied “Now I know that Pamela and
Pete have been more than gracious taking you in, but Brian they are not your parents –“

“They are” Ryan said angrily.

“Brian they stole you,” Harold sighed “They took you from us.”

‘Why didn’t you come after me.”

“It’s complicated.” Harold replied.

“No it’s not, I was lost and you didn’t look.”

“Brian you were in the middle of a thunder storm. These storms aren’t petty, they throw hale, lightning, the rain usually creates mudslides. We searched for five weeks for you. The Bensons –“

“They’re my parents.”

“Brian” Harold said, trying to keep his cool, it had been a long day, that was getting longer by the moment “They are not your parents. I don’t want you calling them that anymore, understood.”

Ryan looked up at him, was this guy serious. Harold stared firmly back.

“They disregarded an investigation that was going on, and they took you. They never reported you missing to us, or to the police. They flew your to Maryland under false Identification, and then claimed you as their son. That is not a parent, no matter what their intentions were.”

Ryan felt the words hit him like rocks, he had never heard any of this “it’s not true.”

“Brian, it is true. I sat on a horse, I almost road to death, for two days searching for you, it was pouring the winds at one point were up to eighty, it’s a miracle you are
alive.”

Ryan sat on the bed, the lump in his throat growing larger and larger, he gulped, tears flowing through his eyes.

“These next few weeks are going to be tough. I can only imagine how confused you are right now” Harold sighed “But I don’t want you calling the Bensons again, you understand me.”

“Why” Ryan looked up hurt.

‘Because, they want to go to court over this but they are going to loose, If you want them to walk out graciously then don’t drag them through it.” Harold sighed, “Brian you are thirteen, and you are my responsibility, not there’s, they are not supposed to be able to contact you or this family.”

“Why?” Ryan didn’t like this guy.

“I asked that everything be kept in anonymity and that no contacts be made, because the only way you’re going to make it through this is to not have them pulling you back and forth.”

“What if I want to go with them, Can’t you just let me leave?”

“You are really trying to make me out to be the devil aren’t you” Harold said looking at him, “Brian, there’s no way in hell I would give you up, you might not understand this now, but there is now way legally you can go back to them, if Keller had his way they would both be behind bars.”

‘But”

“I think we’re through with this topic” Harold replied.

“But”

“We’re done. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve explained myself. I don’t want to hear about the Bensons anymore.”

“But” Ryan started to cry.

“Yes, I know I’m going to be mean about this, but this is the only way we’re going to get through this. They are not your family, not now not ever.” He said. Ryan started to cry “Understood?” Harold asked. Ryan’s shoulders shook “Brian.” Harold repeated.

“Yes” Ryan mumbled.

Harold felt anguish for his son, but there wasn’t going to be any healing happening with the constant back and forth pull “I love you” he said softly “You Mom and I love you so much. Maybe tomorrow she can show you some old pictures and video tapes.” He suggested, he kissed his son’s head before he stood up.

Ryan sat still he could feel the sting from the tears, the words rattling in his ears.

“Get some sleep” he heard Harold say before he shut the door, Ryan laid back down on the bed crying himself to sleep.