I am saddened by all of the things I have missed just because I never bothered to look.
I was too young when this group started and always took everything for granted. Every shriek of the gathering crowds, every picture taken from press, every interview, every award. I had taken it all for granted. Above everything else though, it was the other members of my group that I never fully appreciated.
They are each so important to me in so many ways.
Kevin's advice
Howie's patience
Brian's company
AJ's humor
All things that I had learned to take for granted over the years.
I see things differently now. When I look at something I really look. Afraid to miss anything. Photography of the mind I like to call it. I pay careful attention to every detail of every conversation so I can visually bring it back in my mind at the saddest of moments. The funny thing is, people seem to think I don't pay attention at all.
They're wrong.
When Howie started to pick on me I instantly knew why. He wanted to fix things. He always fixes things. It worked. Everyone seemed to be happy. I closed my eyes to take it all in. The smell of happiness, the sound of laughter, the looks on the faces of men who only seconds earlier where pouting and dejected. The sound of family. My family.
I look over at Howie who is engaged in quiet conversation with AJ and suddenly feel the need to start a conversation of my own.
"So, Brian, how's things?" I bend closer to the driver's seat where he is sitting and wrap my arms around the head rest. He turns around surprised by my question.
He has a look on his face as if my simplistic question is a little too vague for him to answer. I suddenly regret asking.
"Things are going well..and you?" I look at him to be met with a friendly wink. I smile.
"Everything is good." He nods satisfied with the answer. He turns back around, focused once again on driving. Not exactly the type of conversation we were used to having but it was a start.
I really do miss Brian's company. I miss the endless hours we could spend on the couch playing video games or talking. Time was never important. We never had a watch between the two of us. Hours of laughing, singing, and growing. All in Brian's company...
I pull out of my thoughts to hear the sound of laughter coming from my right. AJ is amusing the car with strange animal noises. I try to keep a straight face but I can't. I laugh along with everyone else. AJ's humor always has kept me laughing. Nights spent with just him and no one else in lonely hotel rooms in the middle of foreign countries. Two young kids with nowhere to go. I would cry and AJ would make me laugh. I decide to share one of my thoughts out loud.
"Hey, AJ do you remember the time we were in Germany and you sent the hotel staff all over the place looking for three juggling pins?" He looks over at me with the biggest smile across his face.
"Yeah, I remember that. They actually brought me four!" Kevin's curiosity is peaked.
"What are you talking about?" He asks.
AJ responds, "It's nothing, just a private joke between me and Nick." The gleam in his eyes is a quiet thank you to me. An acknowledgment of a time that I desperately needed to laugh. He saved me with silliness that night. I close my eyes and let the mental images take over...
"Aw, Nick tell me how I can help?"
"You can't help AJ, I want to go home. I miss them all so much."
"What can I do to get your mind off of things?"
"Can you juggle?"
"Pardon me?"
"I said can you juggle? That would be the only thing to take my mind off of things." So he tracked down some hotel staff and found some real pins to juggle. For me..
"Well, if it's a private joke, why bother bringing it up Nick?" I look over and shrug at Howie. "D, Thanks for always being there!" I say out of the blue. He seems surprised. I turn my head to gaze out the window. I feel Howie's arm tenderly grip my right shoulder and I turn my head his way.
"Wow, thanks Nicky" He says.
"What's gotten into you Nick?" Kevin asks. I laugh.
"You! all of you" They don't get it. I do. That's all that matters.
"Okay?" Kevin says slowly to prove the point that he thinks I'm a bit odd.
"While I'm at it, thanks for all the great advice you have given me over the years. I really appreciate it!"
The car is silent. Kevin actually turns around to look at me when he realizes that I am talking to him. He seems baffled. They all do.
I sit back and close my eyes. Drinking it all in, afraid that if I look away I will miss something.....
