When are we going to be there? We have been riding for so long and I still feel like we have gotten nowhere. The roads all look similar and it's hard to tell if we are going in the right direction. No one else seems to care though. they seem to be enjoying the thought of NEVER reaching our destination. I just want to get there and get back to my wife, my family, my life. Things in this car seem so trivial, so small compared to the life I lead now. This is a business trip for me. Nothing more. I'm not sure when it happened but it did. For every silly joke or memory, I feel myself getting more eager to move on...
"Brian, you have been so quiet. Say something!" AJ demands of me. I would love to but that would detract from the reason we are here in the first place. I just nod my head.
"There isn't much to say"
"Oh Rok, I'm sure you can think of something! come on, you have barely said two words since this trip started."
"What do you want me to say AJ?" I am disappointed by the level of sarcasm I hear in my voice.
"I don't know man, just say something" He answers, sounding defensive.
"Okay than, I'm mad that we have been driving around for hours and are still not even close to this stupid place we are going!"
"Relax Brian, I'm sure we are almost there! But until we get there, just try and relax. Think of this as a vacation." Kevin grips my shoulder as he talks to me and for some reason it only raises my level of agitation.
"This is NO vacation people! This is work. Make no mistake about that!"
Silence.
"Brian, when did this start to be just a job to you?" Nick asked so hesitantly and quietly he sounded like the thirteen year old I met such a long time ago.
I wasn't sure how to answer his question. I really don't know when I started to find this anything but fun. Maybe the endless hours of practice. Maybe the endless magazine covers portraying us as pretty boys, maybe the endless lying and backstabbing that come with this business. Maybe having to spend my whole life with the same four people. Who knows. It wasn't fun anymore. Not in the least....
"I don't know Nick, things change." I felt him staring at me but I refused to look and see.
"Why? Why did they change? Are we so hard to be around that we make you miserable?"
"Oh don't start that Nick, not now. It's not the right time."
"It never is" He said barely a whisper.
I try to block them out at that point. If I could've closed my eyes I would have. I just stared at the open road hoping to find the exit we were looking for. No one spoke. I kind of liked it that way. I felt all eyes on me though. Stinging through the back of my chair and hitting my heart. I can't help the way I feel. I wish it were different for me. It's not...
"Maybe we should talk about this now, I mean why wait until we get there. I know we're all thinking about it so why not start now?" I decide to start our meeting early. What's the sense of putting it off?
"Okay, that's fine Brian. Why don't you go first? I have a feeling you already know what you want to say!" Howie hissed those words at me and I wanted to take back all the things I had just said.
"Let's wait"
"No, obviously you have things on your mind so go ahead. Get them out. We're listening." Kevin said sounding as angry as Howie.
"Okay..fine. Well, I just don't think we should do this anymore. We have been through so much together. Why bother continuing. I just think this has taken us as far as we could go. That's how I feel anyway."
Silence.
"Does anyone else feel this way?" Howie asked sounding almost afraid of the possible answer.
"Sometimes" I looked over at Kevin and felt a little relief that I wasn't the only one. Relief but also a sadness.
"Sometimes I feel like Brian. That we have done all we can do as the BSB. We have been together so long, it's been such a terrific ride. Maybe it's time to end it. Maybe"
Silence.
"What about the two of you?" He asked AJ and Nick. I still refused to make eye contact with anything but the road.
"I want to keep going" AJ said with a definite and sure tone to his voice. "I mean don't get me wrong, sometimes I just want this all to go away, but I am a Backstreet Boy. I don't know how to be anything else."
Silence.
"Brian?" Great another question from Nick.
"Yup?"
"Would you be happier in this group if I were to leave?" Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kevin look at Nick and then glare at me.
"Nick that wouldn't be the answer. I'm sure Brian doesn't want you to leave the group to make HIS life easier." How does Kevin know what would make my life easier?..
"Nick, do you want to leave the group? If you do please don't use me as an excuse," I sounded so insensitive. There was a time not too long ago, when a statement like that from Nick would have made me pull him into an embrace. What happened to us? I didn't have to ask it because he did.
"What happened to us?"
Silence.
"No, Brian I don't want to leave this group. See unlike you, I see this as my family. This isn't work. Being at home with my family is work. Being on the road solo is work. You guys aren't work. You are the ones I go to when I need to be lifted up."
"Why go solo then?" This time I did look at him. When he didn't answer I shifted my gaze back to the road.
"What about you Howie?" Kevin asked. I don't know why he bothered. We all knew what his answer was going to be.
"I want us to stay together. I have worked to hard to let you piss this group away." I laughed despite the situation. It was so rare for Howie to say anything remotely vulgar. Hearing him use the word piss just cracked me up. He looked up angry but luckily I wasn't the only one laughing. Nick had cracked up too.
"What is so funny?" He directed the question at Nick but I answered it anyway.
"Because you said piss!" Nick and I said at the EXACT same time. Using the exact same inflections in our voices. We laughed again this time having Kevin and AJ join in.
"Well, I'm glad you find my desperation so funny jerks!" I didn't have to turn around to know that he was smiling.
"Aw, poor Howie" AJ said in his mocking gay guy voice, " Let me kiss and make it better!"
"Shut up J you are gross!"
More laughter.
"So what now?" Kevin asked after the laughter finally died down.
No one answered the question because I think the answer vexed us.
"It's just not fun for me anymore. I don't know why but I feel trapped sometimes. Like if I don't get out soon, I never will." I said with a calmer demeanor.
"Would that be so bad?" D asked.
"I don't know" I confessed. It's true I don't know anymore. I didn't enjoy this but I still enjoyed them. All of them. We are connected.
"We are connected Brian" Nick said stretching over and putting his hand on my shoulder.
"I know" I said just looking forward. Then I saw it. The exit we are supposed to turn off of.
"There it is.... Finally!" I say as I turn down the road.
"Well, it shouldn't be too much longer now," Howie said as he slouched back down in his chair.
That made me sad.
