Brian and Kevin approach us very slowly. I wonder what they were talking about. I wonder why they excluded us. They both come over and take a seat.
"Nick get off the table" Kevin says glaring at me. Father yelling at his son. I do what I am told. I sit next to Brian facing the car. We all sit there silent just waiting for someone to go first. I feel the need to look away.
So I do.
I turn my attention to the view and the lights glowing from houses in the distance. Do they realize that I am looking at them wondering if any one of those people, owners of the lights, are having as intense of a conversation as we are about to have? They are talking about school projects, homework, business trips. Normalcy...
I crave a normal life sometimes. I know within minutes of living it I would be bored to tears but I would like to see how it fits on me. Do kids really come home from a long day of school and find mothers anticipating their arrivals with hot cocoa in one hand and cookies in the other? do fathers really relax and read the newspaper before running out to their jobs?
"Nick turn around!" Howie whispers to me making sure no one hears. Mother helpfully reminding her son. I do what I am told. I turn myself around and see Brian's mouth moving. I really don't want to know what he is saying so I continue on with my thoughts...
End? if there was an end to this group, it would be the end of so much more for me. They don't understand. They couldn't possibly understand. I need them. It's not even a simple matter of wanting this to go on I need it to go on. The look on Howie's face tells me whatever is coming out of Brian's mouth is not good. I know my limitations. There is no way I can except it. So I don't. I look over at AJ as he shoots me a look. is it a dirty look or a comical one? Can't be sure. That would mean that I would have to focus on the conversation. I don't want to.
So I don't.
I start nervously shaking my legs. A habit that has always irked my band brothers. I can't help it's just something I need to do.
So I do it.
I feel a kick from under the table. I look over at AJ and he mouths "Stop it dumbass and say something" A friend wanting the other to speak first. I do what I am told.
"I almost died a few months ago" I return to my compulsive leg shaking.
I wonder how one develops nervous habits. When I was younger I used to eat crayons when I was nervous. I should have realized the first time I pooped purple that normalcy and Nick were to never me uttered in the same sentence.
"Excuse me, did you just say you almost died?" I look up from my shaking leg to see everyone staring at me. Brian still waiting for a response. I suddenly feel very uneasy that I let my mouth speak without first conferring with my brain. I feel AJ kick me. I must have goofed up again.
"Sorry" I say not really knowing why. They all continue to stare. I get up and walk towards the lookout point. I felt like jumping. maybe if I jump I could fly home, not to mine but to one of those. Those houses with the lights shining in a glow of anticipation. Maybe there is a teenage girl not yet home so dad sits and waits constantly looking at his watch. Maybe there is a boy about my age who is leaving home for the first time and stands on the porch telling his parents he will miss them. I want to float down to those people. Those lives.
I feel the warmth of another standing next to me. Just looking out into the night sky like me.
"Are you all right" Brian asks like a brother worried about his sibling.
"Come back over to the table and talk to us" He says. I do what I am told and make my way back to the table. I sit amongst my brothers, turned friends, turned coworkers, turned complete strangers and just for no reason start to cry. Just a tear here and there at first but soon enough they give way to sobs.
Kevin walks over to me and I feel the warmth of his touch as he rubs my back.
"Hey junior, hush everything will work out" Father consoling son.
"You're shivering are you cold? Do want your jacket I'll go get it?" Howie says as he runs to the car. Protective and loving as always.
"Tell us what happened we're listening" Says AJ my friend my confidant. I just pause not understanding my breakdown. Tears not subsiding.
I tell my tale about the drugs, the drinking, the overdose and the rehab. Strangers, turned coworkers, turned friends, turned brothers, never leaving my side. Kevin rubbing my back through the whole story. Howie trying to find anyway to make it easier on me. AJ nodding in total understanding and Brian. Being Brian.
My epic ends and once again we sit in total silence. I gulp back some tears and Howie hands me a tissue.
"You went through all of that by yourself?" Brian asks sounding unattached to his voice. I just nod.
"Nicky you know we love you. You should have told us what you were going through. We would have been there." Kevin says once again like a father talking to a son.
"We are a team Nick. One of us goes down we are all there to pick that person up." Brian says to me. I smile at him through my tear filled eyes. I see he believes his revelation.
Light bulbs go off. it's so obvious, staring us in the face. Brian looks at me again and laughs. Kevin tousles my hair, Howie hugs me and AJ just grins.
Now we know what needs to be done.
We sit there a little bit longer just staring at the night sky. Taking in it's beauty. Each one of us taking comfort in the knowledge that it could only get better from this point. I want this band to go on. I want it to happen.
So it will.
