I am and always will be an invisible child. Longing for constant attention and love. That's why I do what I do. The music business wasn't always inviting to me. I longed for nothing more than a normal life. The perk of possible stardom was incomparable to the feeling of being more than the oldest burden of the family....
I am pushed out of my thoughts by another wave of laughter at AJ's expense. He acts as though the picture we took of him was akin to a public stoning. I can't help but to laugh along.
It feels good to laugh if only for a moment. When I was younger I used to laugh all the time over the stupidest things. Now I find it difficult to chuckle feeling guilty that maybe I am having too much fun. I look over to Kevin who is still smiling and I want the moment to last forever. J is complaining in the back-seat but secretly I think he was happy to be the center of everyone's attention. Maybe things will go back to normal.
I feel myself getting antsy and I hope that Kevin's bladder makes him have to stop the car soon. The old me would have whined repeatedly by now for him to stop. Not the new me. The grown up Nick will just grin and bear whatever is thrown his way. The car settled back down to an eerie quiet except for the beep of my video game. I wish I was playing it now but at least it is keeping one of us busy.
My stomach growls and I try to find a stick of gum in my bag to help. I'm definitely ready for this car to stop so I can get something to eat and stretch my legs.
"Does anybody have any gum or anything?" I ask when my attempt at finding my own fails. No one answers me. Once again I am invisible. I always am. I rest my head against the back of the chair and the temporary feeling of happiness is once again replaced by emptiness. This brings me back to thoughts of home.
Mom always was and still is a big dreamer. A woman who wants nothing more than to see her children succeed. A stage Mom by every possible definition. I never wanted any of this. Neither did Aaron or Leslie. This was mom's dream. All I wanted was to be more than just a conversation piece. That's all I am though. That's what we all have become...
"I have some tic tacs will that be good enough for you." I wonder where that sentence fragment comes from only to realize it is an answer to the question I asked about five minutes ago. I turn to Kevin and say sure as he hands me the little candy mints. They feel so smooth going into my mouth that my brain almost tricks me into swallowing them whole.
Swallowing them whole, just like pills, will ease my pain and make me more noticeable. Now my hunger turns more to the drugs I had been taking then the food I was longing for. I miss them. Did the guys even know? I wonder as I continue to suck on the mints. the trip to the hospital, the near fatal overdose, the cover up. They are unaware of it all.
Mom wasn't unaware though, she was right there when they admitted me into treatment. Refusing to let me tell anyone. I had an image to uphold. She had an image to uphold...
"Hey Kev, you have any more of those things?" Brian asks from the back seat.
"Yup, Nick can you pass these to Rok please" I take the candy and throw it blindly behind me accidentally hitting J in the head.
"Dammit Nick what is wrong with you people are you all trying to kill me or something?" he says as more laughter echoes through the car.
I smile.
This is the way it should be. Five brothers laughing in the car. Not a care in the world.
I miss things like this. I turn my body around as much as my seat belt will allow to look at Brian. He is turned toward AJ laughing like a kid. He briefly looks over at me and our eyes lock for an instant. Then he looks down and continues to play my video game. I turn back around and stare out the front of the car.
"Kevin can we stop soon, I'm getting hungry" Howie says from the back and I secretly thank God it was him and not me.
"Sure thing, I could use the break and I have to pee" comes Kevin's reply. I look across at Kevin's wrist to see what time it is and am surprised to see that it's almost noon.
"Where are we going to stop to eat?" I ask as I shift in my seat once again. Silence is my only reply.
"Where are we going to eat?" J asks not less than one minute after my question. He however gets an immediate response.
"I don't know, somewhere quiet and not busy. We have no bodyguards around and if we are mobbed we're on our own." Brian answers.
Howie assigns me the job of looking for a perfect spot to eat. I don't mind because it allows me to keep my mind off things. I look out the window to see no signs of life for miles. I think to myself that we will not be eating anytime soon.
I keep it a secret. Just like everything else.
"I need some" I hear myself say out loud and quickly look around the car to see if anyone heard me. They didn't. I turn back to my thoughts...
I need something. Something to fill the emptiness. Food, drugs, alcohol, it doesn't matter it will all do the same. It will make me ... feel. That's all I want.
"Some what?" I hear Brian ask me from his spot in the car. I turn around to see if he was actually talking to me. I was met with his stare and a small smile.
I can't help but smile back.
"Well?" He says to me. "Finish your thought!" I want to do that more than he could ever know instead I play dumb. "Huh?" I ask and laughing from AJ is heard.
"Nick your such a dumbass sometimes!" J says as he grabs my Gameboy away from Brian.
"Just wanted you to know I was listening" Brian says after the laughter at my expense dies down.
I want to cry, but tear myself from that feeling suddenly realizing that maybe it wouldn't go unnoticed after all.
I smile and continue to look for a place to eat feeling much more full than I had a few minutes ago...
