He passed out. I overheard Howie telling someone on his cell phone. It was all a blur though. All I could think about was what I heard Nick saying on the stand. How could that have happened? How could I have let these people into our lives, right under our noses..How?
"Kevin?" I turned to look at my cousin. He seemed uncomfortable in his own skin. Scratching his neck as he looked around, trying to find an answer. I think we were all trying to find an answer.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay? You have barely said two words since we got here"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Is there any word on him yet?" I asked looking towards the examining room they had taken Nick to.
"No, but the doctor said he thinks it was just an anxiety attack. Nothing serious. They are going to run some more tests just in case"
"Good, better safe then sorry"
Safe.
Now there was a word that took on a whole new meaning these days. Safe is a word that I have always taken for granted. It was something I felt in the arms of my Mother. Under the watchful eye of my brothers and father. Safe...
"Why don't you come and sit down with us Kev" Brian kept trying to bring me out of my thoughts. I could tell by the look on his face, he felt the need to distract me.
"In a bit" I said before once again looking towards Nick's door. I should have been able to keep him safe. I should have...
"Come on Kevin, we all feel bad about today" I let out a heavy sigh.
"Let's just stay together right now okay?" I nodded and followed Brian back to the chairs we were told to wait in.
Because of our celebrity status, we were waiting in a room, just past the regular waiting area. All four of us were here, in addition to a whole slew of security guards and police. It's a wonder how we weren't all over CNN. Luckily though, Nick choose to pass out AFTER we had left the courtroom. Just like the professional he had become. The show must go on mentality.
When I reached the room, even though it was packed with people, not a sound was heard. Everyone, including me didn't feel much of an urgency to talk about things.
Wasn't it me that Joe was originally supposed to guard? Didn't I recommend that he become Nick's personal bodyguard? He was the biggest guard we had. I thought I was protecting him..
"Do you think Joe would've..." I looked passed a few guards to the other end of the room where AJ was asking what was on all our minds.
"It's over now. Doesn't matter" I said as calm as I could. Truth is I didn't want to think about what COULD have happened if Trish didn't call and calm that bastard down. My mind could not go there. I wouldn't allow it to.
"Poor kid" Brad, my bodyguard said. I leaned my head against the wall, hoping that the coolness of it against my skin would shock me out of the guilt I was feeling. It didn't work.
"How long do you think it will take the jury to deliberate?" Howie asked still thumbing through the magazine he was reading in the van right before we were certain our youngest member was having a heart attack. I was annoyed that Howie left the courtroom. Annoyed and angry that I hadn't done it first.
"Not sure"
"They better sentence that horrible bitch to death" Brian said. He didn't sound like himself when he spoke like that.
"They will" AJ answered.
I remember the first time I met Trish, I had a huge crush on her. She was strong and assertive. She seemed like everything I wanted in a woman, but she was a little too old for me. Just a little. I was jealous of Nick. I told him he was the luckiest kid in the world..
The door abruptly opening, made all of our heads turn. A doctor appeared. Looking like this was just any another case. No big deal.
"All of Mr. Carter's tests came back fine. It was an anxiety attack" A collective sigh of relief was heard in the room.
"We will be releasing him in a few hours. We just want to keep him here hooked up to the heart monitor, just in case"
"Thanks doctor" I said on behalf of everyone in the room, "Can we see him?"
"Yes of course, but only a few at a time" I nodded and immediately got up to go see him. Brian, AJ and Howie all followed.
When we got into the room, Nick was laying motionless with heart monitor right above his head. Just like how he looked when he came here after we rescued him from the fire. I thought we were going to lose him then. As I helped carry him out of that burning building.
I remember sitting right by his side, holding his hand and holding back tears of joy. I needed to look strong for the others and the press. But inside I couldn't hold it together. Inside I was ball of mush. This kid meant the world to me. He annoyed me, I wanted to hang him upside down from his toes sometimes but, I loved him. And when we had finally found him I thought this nightmare would finally be over. Finally...
"Hey buddy" AJ whispered to Nick, who looked very pale and very out of it. I moved to stand behind AJ who opted to take a seat on the chair right next to the bed. I could tell Nicky was on some major tranquilizers. I needed some of those right about now.
"You gave us a little scare. Are you okay?" AJ totally amazed me sometimes. He could be such a hardass. But at the center of the image he created for himself, there was this fluffy white center.
"I'm okay but..." Nick sat up for a minute. Both AJ and I were there pushing him back down.
"Relax kiddo"
"NO but you don't understand..Joe..He's"
"He's not going to hurt you anymore Nick" I said as I grabbed his hand in mine once again. Like I had the first time. I felt so helpless back then. It was even worse now.
"He's not?" He asked me, memories of him at thirteen flooded my mind. Back when I used to take that look of desperation on his face and grow tired of having to constantly console him.
Back then protecting all four of them was nothing more than a big burden I could have easily lived without. Back then I never felt the need to carry the world on my shoulders. He would look at me back then, with the same look as he was giving me right now. A look to say make everything better Kevin, it's your job.
And he is right, it was my job and I failed...
"No, he is dead Nicky, he will never bother you again" Howie said but Nick's eyes never left me. He had to hear it from me.
"Yes Nick...Remember Joe is dead. He died in the house" He started shaking his head.
"No... no... no Kevin you are wrong. He is alive I saw him. He was there Kevin... he was there" I moved past AJ to be front and center. The others watching the scene unfold like a soap opera.
"Where?"
"He was there, right outside the courtroom. I saw him" I think I stopped breathing all together. There were no words I could say.
"That's impossible Nick. Your brain is just playing tricks on you that's all" Brian said flashing me a look. A look saying you are dropping the ball, let me take over.
"No..please believe me. You have to.." Again his eyes searched for mine. I only smiled at him. What more could I do. I walked over and placed a loving hand on his head.
"Shhh, don't worry about anything. For now you are safe"
"I'm safe?" He asked me once again in a small and terrified voice. He had been through so much.
"Yes you are safe"
"You won't let him come in here then?"
"No Nick I won't" I said patting his head trying to calm him down.
It worked because he instantly calmed down and fell back to sleep. Once asleep Brian came over with an intense anger on his breath.
"Why the hell didn't you just tell him it was his imagination?"
"Because he didn't need to hear that right now"
"What? Of course he did. He needs to know he is safe" I looked at my sleeping brother, friend, in many ways son, and felt all the weight of his troubles once again on my shoulders.
"Is he safe?" I asked Brian.
"You don't actually think he really saw Joe...do you?" I really hoped not, but my gut told me, things were not over yet. So all I did was shrug.
Brain looked from me to Howie to AJ, not believing what I had just done.
"How?"
"Brian, let's not talk about it now okay?"
"But.." Brian's words were drowned out by my own thoughts once again. My mind turned back to the courtroom and listening to Nick, who had always been one to worry and shrink behind a crowd, having to tell everybody what Joe had done to him. I pat his head again. And closed my eyes to the sound of his heart monitor in the background. Still feeling the pangs of guilt tugging at my heart and slowly ripping me apart...
