"Are you sure that's the last thing you remember Nick?" I looked up from the courthouse floor and nodded at the lawyer.

"Thank you Mr. Carter you may step down" I once again nodded this time to the judge and walked out of the courtroom, past the waiting reporters and right into my car. And finally away from this whole mess.

I sat quiet in the back seat, thankful that I had spent the extra money for dark windows. I didn't want anyone to see me inside. Not now or ever again. "How you holding up kiddo?" I felt a reassuring hand on my knee and I looked over at Kevin and smiled. "I'm doing okay"

"It's finally over Nick" Brian whispered to me sitting on the other side of Kevin. I didn't answer him only nodded. Seemed like I only spoke these days when I found it necessary to do so. "You think they are going to find him guilty?" AJ asked from the passenger seat.

"I hope not. He has a son to think about" Howie said pulling out into traffic and heading back to my new apartment.

"NO, they won't find him guilty. He was forced to break her out of prison. I think between all of our testimony plus the other people Joe was blackmailing, they have to let him go"

"I hope so" I muttered under my breath. I didn't want Dave to have to spend any more time in jail for something he was forced to do. I'm lucky I wasn't on trial with him. Breaking a felon out of prison is a big deal. The thing is, I think everyone, including the police understood. When they arrested Dave, which I don't remember happening either, he said he was by himself in the car. The other guys all agreed. The two guards were HAZY on the details so no one questioned anything.

You know the guys have explained to me what happened between Trish killing Joe and me ending up in the hospital so many times, but it's all a fog to me. Like a nightmare I refuse to remember. The doctors said it's common for post traumatic stress syndrome to forget huge details about the events that caused the stress in the first place. Which is ironic because I remembered everything else in complete detail. Right down to me screaming NO! to Trish right before she supposedly blew her brains out.

Brian said they all panicked because they thought she was going to kill me but she smiled at me, stuck the gun in HER mouth and pulled the trigger. He said I was lucky I didn't remember because he wakes up in a cold sweat every night picturing it. Hearing the gun and watching her fall.

According to the guys after I yelled, "No!" I just stood with a blank stare on my face as she dropped to the ground. They said I didn't pass out or lose consciousness at all, but at the same time, I wasn't alert. Kevin slowly walked over and tried to hug me, but I wouldn't let him so he gingerly placed a blanket around me and called the police. That was the end of that. So anticlimactic.

I didn't speak for about a week. Not one solitary word. My family came and went, the guys visited me every day but I didn't respond. Finally one day, Kevin said I looked over at him and asked him if I could have a milk shake. He hugged me and cried. I had no idea why. All I knew was I didn't like him touching me. I didn't let anyone hug me anymore.

"What now guys?" AJ asked.

"Well, I say how about we go get a few pizzas and ice cream and hang out at my place" Howie suggested. They all agreed, I remained silent. "What about you kiddo you up for pizza?" I nodded.

I was in the hospital for a long time. Just like I was the first time around. Howie sold my house while I was gone. The guys and my family packed up my stuff and put most of it in storage for me. In my absence, Howie found me a great luxury apartment. Two bedrooms and a bathroom. Very small and cozy. Best part of it, there was no place for a maniac to hide. It had 24 hour around the clock guards on duty. And it was five minutes away from where Howie lived. I never went back to see my old place. I won't even drive in it's vicinity. My parents agreed to keep my dogs at their place for now. They also said I should maybe consider living in one of their huts in the back. I'll probably take them up on that. For now, I needed my own space, oddly enough.

Before, I never wanted to be alone, now that's all I ever want. When you are alone, no one can hurt you or stab you in the back. Or in a more literal sense, in the stomach. About a week after I was released from the hospital, the other's went back home. We didn't call each other for at least a month. Besides Howie that is, he checked up on me at least five times a day. I think we all needed time to process what had happened.

In fact, this was the first time we had been together all five of us, in 4 months. That's how long ago all this stuff happened. Four months, but feels like only yesterday. I remember driving in my car ready to see them for the first time after going solo and thinking how awkward things were going to be. But now as I sit in this car with all five of them we all seem just as awkward and out of place.

"You're stomach hurt Nick?" I shook my head at Kevin. I hadn't realized I was holding it but I found for some reason, that when I was in a car, my hands naturally found their way to my stab wound. The scar still visible when I take my shirt off. I was lucky, the doctor had told me after I came back to the land of the living. He said if it had gone in any deeper, it would have punctured my liver. I had lost a lot of blood, but I got out of it.

"Think they went to heaven?" The car got very quiet at my elementary question.

"No Nick, I don't believe they did" Kevin answered sitting back and taking out a piece of gum.

"Did anybody go to their funeral service?"

"They didn't have one kiddo"

"Oh" I felt bad for Trish and even Joe in my own way.

"It's not over Brian" I finally answered him. He bent over to look past Kevin, "What did you say Nick?"

"I said it's not over. It's never going to be over. Everytime I go to bed or hear a sound in the hallway. Everytime I get a piece of mail or the phone rings...they had their hands on everything you know?"

"I know"

The car remained quiet for the rest of the ride. Everyone silently mulling over what I had just said, each of them knowing that no matter how much they tried to convince themselves otherwise, we would never feel safe again.

All we could ever hope to do, is move on and learn how to live with it....